I'm not sure if I'm being selfish and hurtful...but I feel very bad.

[bearz]

Bearz - Emotional connection - we have very much in common. I love her very much. We were in a safe secure situation that I didn't want to jeopardize. I also knew that I was her entire world. She told me that. she has since said she will never love another and never move on.....I feel horrible. Michelle - you aren't the "bad person". You speak the truth. It's nice to work through this with non bias parties.

Right, I understand all of that. But putting that aside, what is it that you personally are really getting out of all of this because quite frankly I'm just not seeing it. Yes, you screwed up, you feel horrible, you feel like you have to make it up to her now. But even before that all happened you weren't really happy with your relationship. And remember, we are just talking about you - which might sound selfish right now, but you are hurting and you need to take care of yourself.

[Confused7478]

Wow, I never saw it that way at all.
I was just trying to help her because it didn't seem like she knew how to cope with all of it. I mean i gave her time to, but nothing ever happened.
Thank you Heartisaching. I appreciate your input. A lot of smart people on this board...unfortunately I dont feel like one of them

[HeartIsAching]

Doesn't mean you're not smart - just not well-equipped for relationships. Most of us aren't, most of us are equipped with the same old stuff that our parents (and theirs, and so forth) had that are no longer relevant in today's society. I wasn't, until I had some training forced on me.

Which wouldn't hurt you at all - you might consider seeing a therapist.

[Confused7478]

Hey Bearz, I haven't really focused on my needs in our relationship because she was an emotionally supportive and loving girlfriend. There wasn't really much else I needed. Really other than mentioning to her that we lacked intimacy. There was also a long period of time (1yr maybe) where I was working from 5:45am to like 8 at night (after getting back from the gym) where I made all of my own meals, did my own laundry, etc. I was upset about it because she was home all day and not working - I thought maybe she should contribute. That led to a series of fights which eventually led to her contributions - but it was hard fought....come to think of it..I think just the companionship of someone who loves you, the hope she will get better and we can both be intimate again. A lot of hope I guess. Not many results? Sorry if I'm rambling - I'v been up for like 2 days...

[Confused7478]

Yah I think some therapy is in order. Before this relationship, I ended one of 8 years. She was abusive as hell and a high probability of cheating, so it was far from a situation like this. So honestly I feel a bit "untrained" I suppose - not a lot of successful long term relationships. I'v just never felt so awful. She told me to my face she wouldn't love again and I honestly think she is serious about never seeing anyone again. I overheard a bit of a phone conversation - I think with her Mom, and she said it's my kids and that's it - from now on. I could analyze that to death and plague my mind over it, but I can't help thinking I destroyed her. She is 38yrs old, a heart condition and mildly overweight. So I believe it may be a possibility that the previously mentioned plus her track record from her past relationships (she told me this - I'm not being judgy) may actually lead to her being alone. I just can't bare the thought of ruining her like that. I don't believe that is a reason to stay..I guess I just want to know she will be OK. No one will be able to tell me that I suppose. It's up to her - and maybe some help from me...

[IndiReloaded]

Guilt is overrated and rarely productive. What do you want? To extract yourself as gracefully as possible from your previously relationship and, perhaps, pursue this new one. Right?

So, whatever you did to get to this point is immaterial. Just take the steps you need to move forward, respecting yourself and your ex as much as possible. Don't sacrifice your own needs for hers. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for ourselves. If it makes you feel better to help, then do so. But remember that sometimes the best help you can give is to enable her to help herself.

Be thankful for the 6 years you had. Now, move on in hope for the future..

[basilandthyme]

My advice is to stop feeling guilty. What's done is done and the only way now is foward.

1. you've ended a relationship which needed ending. Good for you. Now, I know the ex would do anything to keep you and she together - but honestly, it sounds like she'd need to change sooo much. And which such a huge change required, I doubt she could maintain it. Keep your distance and allow yourself the space required to get over her.

Forgive me if I've missed it in this thread, but are you still supporting your ex? Because she doesn't work and won't do what's required take care of herself, I suspect you may be. Do you need assistance is trying to extricate yourself from her life? If so, what are the difficulties you face?

2. sounds like the new girl is fond of you and I wish you the best. It's not impossible for things to work, but keep an open mind that this woman may be a stepping stone while you move on. Try not to get too attached too quickly. Take time to see how things pan out.

good luck

[basilandthyme]

I honestly think she is serious about never seeing anyone again. I overheard a bit of a phone conversation - I think with her Mom, and she said it's my kids and that's it - from now on. I could analyze that to death and plague my mind over it, but I can't help thinking I destroyed her. She is 38yrs old, a heart condition and mildly overweight. So I believe it may be a possibility that the previously mentioned plus her track record from her past relationships (she told me this - I'm not being judgy) may actually lead to her being alone. I just can't bare the thought of ruining her like that. I don't believe that is a reason to stay..I guess I just want to know she will be OK. No one will be able to tell me that I suppose. It's up to her - and maybe some help from me...

You didn't ruin her. She's dysfunctional and you tolerated it for too long. If she doesn't date again in the future, it's not your fault. For what it's worth, I left my ex-h 20 odd years ago and as far as I know, he's never had a relationship since. Do you know what? That's his issue - not mine. I've moved on and have a lovely family - something which I wouldn't have achieved if I stuck around with him out of pity.

[HeartIsAching]

She told me to my face she wouldn't love again and I honestly think she is serious about never seeing anyone again.

She's trying to use guilt to force you to change your mind.

I overheard a bit of a phone conversation - I think with her Mom, and she said it's my kids and that's it - from now on.

She probably meant you to hear that.

I could analyze that to death and plague my mind over it, but I can't help thinking I destroyed her. She is 38yrs old, a heart condition and mildly overweight. So I believe it may be a possibility that the previously mentioned plus her track record from her past relationships (she told me this - I'm not being judgy) may actually lead to her being alone.

How is that your responsibility?

I just can't bare the thought of ruining her like that. I don't believe that is a reason to stay..I guess I just want to know she will be OK. No one will be able to tell me that I suppose. It's up to her - and maybe some help from me...

You didn't ruin her - she did.

[HeartIsAching]

You didn't ruin her. She's dysfunctional and you tolerated it for too long. If she doesn't date again in the future, it's not your fault. For what it's worth, I left my ex-h 20 odd years ago and as far as I know, he's never had a relationship since. Do you know what? That's his issue - not mine. I've moved on and have a lovely family - something which I wouldn't have achieved if I stuck around with him out of pity.

Heh... you beat me to it.

[Confused7478]

Indeed. My new girlfriend and I have discussed kids in the future - she wants them, so do I. You're right. It's not my fault if she doesn't move on. I treated her very well in my opinion and hers, but I can't change her even if it's for the better. Yes, I'm still supporting her Basilandthyme, she says she will need another 6 months to get things in order. Wow long time. Guess I'm in this weird situation for the next little while. Even though I pay all of the rent, she still co-signed the lease. So technically I guess she is entitled. Of course, I'll most likely have to check up on her all the time. She procrastinates like a mofo. So I know unless I'm all over her - it will be 6mos and she won't be ready.

[michelle23]

i recommend you slow down with the new woman. its still early days. go slow

[HeartIsAching]

Indeed. My new girlfriend and I have discussed kids in the future - she wants them, so do I. You're right. It's not my fault if she doesn't move on. I treated her very well in my opinion and hers, but I can't change her even if it's for the better. Yes, I'm still supporting her Basilandthyme, she says she will need another 6 months to get things in order. Wow long time. Guess I'm in this weird situation for the next little while. Even though I pay all of the rent, she still co-signed the lease. So technically I guess she is entitled. Of course, I'll most likely have to check up on her all the time. She procrastinates like a mofo. So I know unless I'm all over her - it will be 6mos and she won't be ready.

You're talking kids already?! Holy crap.

[Confused7478]

lol, maybe that was kind of quick to talk about kids - but we have some seriously in depth pillow talk
It's crazy and I don't plan on rushing things like that..just wanted to clarify!

[Confused7478]

You're talking kids already?! Holy crap.

HAHAHA! I was hoping I could reply in time to avoid any confusion! Ahhh, I need a smoke.