Is there a such thing as being "too" picky?

[michelle23]

I see people getting hurt over and over and over again, falling for the same type each time, there could be 100 warning signs and they will ignore them and then they scratch their head in bewilderment and wonder where it all went wrong. They never learn each time their heart is shattered.. I think that is just stupid..

Id prefer to be realistic. I want to see the real person and ill let them in slowly as they build my trust and I theirs. I think that is a healthy way to approach relationships.

[michelle23]

"probably at the same time she would make herself look like her life is perfect".

I wouldn't do that. Id be myself but I just wouldn't tell him anything important about me until I'm ready. I wouldnt feel comfortable telling him every last detail about me until Im ready for commitment..

[Skybird]

Thanks for the responses guys. I just think if I'm not feeling it right away or with little effort then it's not worth bothering trying to make that grow and form some type of relationship. Maybe this is the wrong approach. I just don't want to seem like I'm forcing an attraction.

hmmm....on second thoughts, I'm wondering if I misunderstood your post.

You say he's "doing nothing with his [career]". Do you mean that he's got a steady job in his chosen profession but is not seeking advancement - or do you mean that he has credentials but sits around home all day unemployed and not bothering to look for work?

If it's the former, then you're too picky. If it's the latter, then you're not.

By saying that I meant he doesn't even bother to go to college or show interest in what he might be doing in the next couple of years. He's staying in the same spot where as I'm getting more education and moving up in the job I already have.

Can you outline for us specifically what your standards are and what it takes for someone to be relationship material to you? I think we'll be able to answer your question more accurately if you give us this information.

Hmm, interesting. I never really took the time to actually think about what is relationship material and what is not. I suppose I put emphasis on the guy being a gentleman, kind, big heart and showing the want or desire to grow personally and professionally. The next thing would be how they feel about my life and hobbies, which take up a lot of my time and I enjoy them very much.

There's nothing wrong with passing time with "Mr. Right-Now" while waiting for "Mr. Right".

But yes, there is such a thing as being too picky.

I tried that. It ended in heartbreak. I am not the type of person to have a short term relationship. If I don't think that me and a guy could have a long, lasting relationship I won't even bother with him.

[basilandthyme]

By saying that I meant he doesn't even bother to go to college or show interest in what he might be doing in the next couple of years. He's staying in the same spot where as I'm getting more education and moving up in the job I already have.

Does he have a job? If so, does it pay the bills and have a bit left over? Is he happy and content with a good work/life balance?

And why do you compare him to yourself? If we were all the same, life would be very boring.

[kskts6115]

I think this is a hard question.. I usually am the same way too. If I don't feel it from the start I don't want to get involved. I always worry that I am being too picky too.. but I have felt that spark before and I don't want to settle for something I'm not thrilled about.

That being said, initially with my last boyfriend I was super unsure because I wasn't really feeling it while we were friends and he was pursuing me. But something kept me sticking around and eventually I did fall for him.. Unfortunately he broke up with me recently. So then that makes me wonder if I should have listened to my initial instincts about not being crazy about him. I did grow to love him but obviously he wasn't the right guy so if I listened to myself I wouldn't be heart broken. I hope this makes sense lol I just think you have natural instincts and know if you feel a connection with someone whether it's a friendship or a relationship.

And as far as the job thing goes it is a turn off is someone lacks ambition.. I totally get that!

[dickriculous]

Hmm, interesting. I never really took the time to actually think about what is relationship material and what is not. I suppose I put emphasis on the guy being a gentleman, kind, big heart and showing the want or desire to grow personally and professionally. The next thing would be how they feel about my life and hobbies, which take up a lot of my time and I enjoy them very much.

Well, those don't sound like such terrible standards. Why would you worry about being too picky if that's all you're looking for?

If I don't think that me and a guy could have a long, lasting relationship I won't even bother with him.

How can you know if you can have a long term relationship with a man if you don't bother with him? You might be making these decisions before you've given a realistic chance to men who are interested in you, and chances are some of them have potential.

[Skybird]

Does he have a job? If so, does it pay the bills and have a bit left over? Is he happy and content with a good work/life balance?

And why do you compare him to yourself? If we were all the same, life would be very boring.

Well, I compare him with myself and I am concerned with his job (yes he has one, but it's retail and he doesn't seem to want to go to college) because he wants to be in a relationship with me. And I don't find "settling" at that particular level to be a good quality in a partner, personally. It's a turn off. It's the type of job you expect someone to have in high school.

Otherwise I wouldn't care so much.

How can you know if you can have a long term relationship with a man if you don't bother with him? You might be making these decisions before you've given a realistic chance to men who are interested in you, and chances are some of them have potential.

This is true, and perhaps a result of me being picky. I do need to give some people a chance. But if there is no "spark" to start off with, I'm wary of going much further. sometimes love is from first sight and sometimes it grows I suppose.

[basilandthyme]

Well, I compare him with myself and I am concerned with his job (yes he has one, but it's retail and he doesn't seem to want to go to college) because he wants to be in a relationship with me. And I don't find "settling" at that particular level to be a good quality in a partner, personally. It's a turn off. It's the type of job you expect someone to have in high school..

So, you're a job snob?

[AnnaMarie99]

As long as you realize that no one is perfect and that even with "Mr. Perfect" you will have to learn to accept his downsides along with his upsides, you will probably be fine. Just don't be nitpicky, because that can actually RUIN a relationship. I know that from experience. As long as you can find someone who fits your needs, who is compatible with you, it will work... BUT if your qualifications are very unrealistic, you may never find the type of guy you are looking for. So just really ask yourself, "what is important for me" and what is worth waiting for?

[michelle23]

Retail has potential-he could work his way up to management level or even own his own store one day. How do you know hes not ambitious if you havnt given him a chance?

My bf has no interest in school/college but he is quite ambitious and intelligent. He works very hard and is now managing a tyre depot and has plans to run his own business one day.

I could have taken one look at his job four years ago and turned my nose up but i didnt. Hes such a good man and would make a wonderful husband/father. There is a lot more to someone than their job title.

Im highly intelligent, ambitious, focused-i would do anything to get my dream job and work my ass off but beggers cant be choosers in this huge ecknomic downturn. I work full time as a store manager in quite a boring job and i know i could be doing so much more-but like i said beggars cant be choosers and it pays the bills.

[QuantumUniverse]

It is literally natural to be picky. We look for the best match possible, we want the best genes possible to pass on to our offspring. An easy example of this is the " beer goggle" example.

Anyway enough of the biology lecture. I myself tend to be quite picky in fact a few months ago I told my friends i'd only settle for a girl who was at university, is cute, funny, more outgoing than me, has an interest in astronomy, likes the same interests as me and so on. All in all it depends how picky you are, if you are too picky then you will never find the person your looking for if your not picky enough then you could regret who you are with it's all about finding the right balance.

About your worries over your career etc. If you want to concentrate soley on that then find someone else who is in the same line of work or study. I should also mention just because this guy seems like he isn't doing anything with his life right now doesn't mean he's a bad choice, I have friends who are intelligent and have some of the best school grades but they don't see higher education such as college or university appealing and they still have ambitions to become buisnessmen etc. Having a fancy degree doesn't mean your smarter than someone who hasn't.

Leonard Susskind was born into a poor family and became a plumber. He is one of the smartest people in the world. (He did eventually study at university but you get my point).