how to lay him dwn nicely

[Rowen]

That can happen with some guys but I know it wouldn't happen with mine. He has too much going on his own life, he won't have the time to be fixated on a girl who isn't ready to be in a relationship. So, it really depends on what you know about the guy in question. Of course, one has to use their brain to come up with the excuses. As I said before, use whatever non-personal reason will work with your guy.

Again... Not every guy is like your guy. And you can only lie to people so long before the house of cards comes caving in and they figure it out. Then what? You have a bunch of sh*t drama with people you "didn't want to hurt" and ended up hurting them more. Face it. You're telling our OP that it's okay to lie to someone for the benefit of a clean break. That's manipulation.

Some people think honesty is the best policy to fulfill some kind of sense of righteousness. Indeed, honesty does work in some situations but not all. Sometimes, you need to tweak that a bit, sometimes you need to outright lie. I think its important not to get hang up on redtape rules like "never lie" or never this or that. Sometimes, its better to evaluate the effect of your actions in certain situations and circumstances rather than doing something because we are socialized to believe lying is a horrible thing to do.

You really remind me of Emily Dickinson in this case...and not in a good way. At all.

Honesty is not to make yourself look good. Honesty is for being MATURE about a situation and handling it in a way that BOTH PARTIES know for sure where they stand. By manipulating someone, you're making yourself feel good because you got off free without having to tell the person what you're really thinking. In turn, you're setting them up for direct failure in the future because you're denying them the opportunity to grow as human beings from the situation.

Life is all about trial and error- learning through pain. You date someone and you screw it up? If they're honest with you, then you know what you did wrong and can apply it to the next person to come along. If not, they're going to make the same mistake and get hurt more. So, while it may seem like the "right" thing to do to deceive someone into thinking it's not them, it's DEAD WRONG because you're not holding them accountable for what they did that pushed you to break up. In turn, you're denying them the chance to grow from the breakup. And as Ashley stated, you never know if the guy is going to hang around... Hell, look at me! I'm one of those hopeful guys who would wait for the person to sort themselves out. I waited on the man I love for 8 months... Granted, I talked to other men and went on dates to give other guys a chance, but when things didn't work with other guys, I still held onto hope that I could be the man I wanted to be with for so long. Yes, not everyone is like me, but not everyone is like your guy, either. You need to realize that and stop playing with people's hearts. Or else, you will seriously regret these games one day because you'll have nothing to show for it but a long line of lies and a shiton of guilt.

Saying the truth can damage people. Even the OP says that she is breaking up with her bf because he is too critical of her. What it seems to him to just being truthful and even helping her improve as a person, it damaged their relationship.

Have you ever heard of Asperger's?

By telling him the truth, yes, she'll hurt him, but next time, he'll definitely know what NOT to do in his next relationship. And if he doesn't learn, then he's just a jerk who will never change. Either way, if she doesn't give him a fighting chance to grow from this break up, she's automatically making his next relationship a failure.

But it seems in this situation, the OP will do well with telling him the truth because it may help him change into a better person, less critical possibly for any future gf he will have. So, truth works in this situation. But still, if the OP cares about this guy and indeed don't want to hurt him, she wouldn't tell him the full truth of how she feels. Because I bet the full truth include unleashing her anger at him for all those bottled up resentment for criticising her.

No, if she wants to hurt him more in the long run, she'll lie to him. People can calmly express their emotions in a state such as this. We all don't have to make Jerry Springer outbursts. As long as she's honest and tells him straight up how it is (without throwing a chair at him in other words), she'll be fine. You can't just think about now, fearoflove. You need to think about what this is going to do to him in the long run. That goes for any guy that you manipulate like this... No offense, but it's true...

[fearoflove]

Opps, almost responded using my other account. Rowen, I am sure you are a good person and just trying to do the right thing. But I don't think you read my post carefully. Stop being stuck in your head and reread my posts. Being told you're ugly, unsuccessful, a loser, have a small penis, or whatever else that a person can't change isn't going to help someone "grow".

It is difficult to have a genuine debate online when there are people who doesn't read your posts carefully and being so stuck in their own bubble.

[Wakeup]

Actually, saying you two are not compatible is a good way to make it non-personal and vague. Let's just hope he doesn't ask for elaboration on that if the real reasons is because you don't find him attractive enough or successful enough or interesting enough, whatever it may be.

You don't owe him anything more then "It's over, I don't see a connection, have a good life" Then if he's the type that can't accept, he'll come here and ask us "how to get closure" and we'll just tell him you make your own closlure and stop laying that on her.

Opps, almost responded using my other account.

lolzz

[ashley89]

Being told you're ugly, unsuccessful, a loser, have a small penis, or whatever else that a person can't change isn't going to help someone "grow".

nobody told her to say that to the guy, where'd you get that one from?

[fearoflove]

nobody told her to say that to the guy, where'd you get that one from?

I was giving hypothetical examples if one is to follow "honesty is the best policy".

If you think about it. If a person is really genuinely honest about the reasons they want to break up with someone AND there is nothing much the person can do to change it, it really is just cruel. Don't you agree?

Anyways, I have a feeling, we are not making progress with this discussion. Internet arguments rarely do. So, don't expect me to respond to this thread any further.

[Rowen]

Opps, almost responded using my other account. Rowen, I am sure you are a good person and just trying to do the right thing. But I don't think you read my post carefully. Stop being stuck in your head and reread my posts. Being told you're ugly, unsuccessful, a loser, have a small penis, or whatever else that a person can't change isn't going to help someone "grow".

It is difficult to have a genuine debate online when there are people who doesn't read your posts carefully and being so stuck in their own bubble.

Speak for yourself about reading posts carefully... When the hell did I ever suggest that "you're a loser" is a valid thing to say? That's your OPINION of the person. I'm talking about if the person cheated, made you feel used, smothered you with constant neediness, etc etc. "You're a loser is just a stupid, childish insult- not a REASON for a breakup. If you think the guy is a loser, the real reason you're breaking up with him is because he's not compatible with your image of what guy you should be dating. In turn, you're being honest by saying you're not compatible. But "you're a loser" is just a playground insult. It's not a reason. At all.

Next time, why don't you read my posts more carefully?

If you think about it. If a person is really genuinely honest about the reasons they want to break up with someone AND there is nothing much the person can do to change it, it really is just cruel. Don't you agree?

As long as people can change, the world can change. And last I checked, the world hasn't stopped changing.

[pinktulips]

no, this is not good advice. if you use excuses like that, it gives the guy false hope and they think "oh, ok well she's busy with studies now so there's a chance in the future when she's less busy she'll like me again!" then they might wait around or not take opportunities to date other girls because they're still hung up thinking this girl is gonna come back around. you have to be honest and upfront. it may hurt his feelings but it will hurt more to keep leading him on or lie to him.

I agree. I have a lot of male friends that I talk to about this stuff and they tell me that we women need to be straight forward with them so they understand, otherwise as said above, they will read more into it. Of course, straight forward can be done with tact and care and you sound like someone who would do it in a caring way. I agree that truth is the best way.

[romanticdate]

Regretfully the best way is usually the most direct. It's like a bandaid, best to rip it off rather than slowly unhinge it. Just tell him, first "we need to talk" red flag for guys, then say hey, I think you're an awesome person and a good friend, but I just see you as that. He will either fight it, or not. If not then you're done, if he argues then just say you have been thinking about it for a long time, and had to let him know so as not to lead him on. A real man will appreciate this, and will be sad but should get over it. If you think he might get violent or do something stupid, do this in a public area. If you think he might harm himself make sure he has support. That way all bases are covered and you can move on with your life.