Does it matter if I'm not in love?

[michelle23]

No, it's not. It isn't physical. Love is an emotion. Orgasm is not an emotion.

It is true that orgasms cause a surge of oxytocin and vasopressin as well as dopamine which helps to form the emotional bond in both men and women. Its the same hormone that helps us to bond with a baby.

Some people are lacking in those hormones though and therefore cannot truly love someone as much as someone who has a lot of the hormones can. They usually make bad partners and bad parents. They are more likely to sleep around and they dont see sex as love. They are also more likely to cheat.

[dem862]

I guess some people confuse love and orgasms. You can have an orgasm all by yourself - is there love involved? No, it is purely physical. It feels good all by itself. You can have an orgasm with someone you love. You can have an orgasm with someone you don't love. It is distinct and seperate from love. You can have orgasms with the same person for years and you may never love them. You can love someone and never have an orgasm with them. You see how that works. Seperate.

[dem862]

It is true that orgasms cause a surge of oxytocin and vasopressin as well as dopamine which helps to form the emotional bond in both men and women. Its the same hormone that helps us to bond with a baby.

Some people are lacking in those hormones though and therefore cannot truly love someone as much as someone who has a lot of the hormones can. They usually make bad partners and bad parents. They are more likely to sleep around and they dont see sex as love. They are also more likely to cheat.

Not at all. You are talking about fidelity. That is more of a moral and ethical concept. Love is an emotion. Orgasm is a feeling. It sounds like you have all three confused. They are different. That is why they have different names. If they were the same, we could use the same name for all of them interchangeably. We can't do that, see, different concepts.

[michelle23]

Im not saying its an excuse to cheat. Its not. But if your not capable of really loving someone then your not going to be very loyal..

I have done a lot of research on it and it makes sense to me.

And no you dont get the rush of these hormones through masturbating. It doesn't work that way. I never said an orgasm equals love. You read me wrong. Over time sex strengthens the emotional bond between two people.

[michelle23]

and a sexless relationship will not be half as strong as a couple who has regular sex.

[Wakeup]

OP: If you don't want this girl to leave you, if you want her in your life then think of something to say that will satisfy her that you love her in the only way you know how which apparently is with actions and not words. I think you do love her if you don't want to lose her have her gone from your life. Love is an action word, it's not just a feeling afterall.

An "I love you too" would not be a lie if she's the one you've given up all others for and you want to share your life with and who you would miss dearly if she were no longer with you.

[dem862]

I don't feel ready to settle down with my current girlfriend. So if she tells me she loves me, what should I say? Your advice isn't clear. It's a huge negative to say what? That you don't love her?

Also, there was a previous girlfriend who I did want to settle down with. We even discussed baby names and I told her I loved her, because I thought I did at the time. But within a matter of weeks it turned sour and all I wanted was to get out of it, so eventually I did. I didn't look back and I didn't miss her when she was gone (mostly because she had made life v difficult for me so I was glad to be free again). Was that love?

Love is an emotion of attachment. If you want to end the relationship, tell her you don't love her. If she says she loves you, she wants to hear it back. If you have a match, the relationship advances to the next stage. If you don't, then her love will wither on the vine and she will start becoming distant and eventually move on. I am not going to tell you what to say to your girlfriend because I don't know how you feel about her. Do you want to continue with her or not?

With your previous girlfriend, you might have been in love, but fell out of love rather quickly. Sometimes a person is so vile, you realize they don't deserve your love. If you continue to love such a person, that is usually co-dependence. That doesn't sound like your problem at all. Some people are better at controlling their emotions than others. In general, men are better at controlling emotions than women. The estrogen makes women get all emotional and they make poor decisions.

[dem862]

Im not saying its an excuse to cheat. Its not. But if your not capable of really loving someone then your not going to be very loyal..

I have done a lot of research on it and it makes sense to me.

And no you dont get the rush of these hormones through masturbating. It doesn't work that way. I never said an orgasm equals love. You read me wrong. Over time sex strengthens the emotional bond between two people.

Well, then using your logic, if people have sex for a long time the bond will strengthen and the relationship should become stronger and they will stay together. But in fact, relationships do end, even if the sex is good, sometimes after decades.

There are married couples in their 80's who have been married 50 years who don't have sex anymore, but they still love each other. How do you explain that?

You do realize that the effects of hormones are temporary, right? The effect lasts only as long as the hormone is present in the system. When the rush is over, the hormones dissapate.

[michelle23]

no good sex is not enough to keep two people together. I never said that either. Your twisting my words.

All I am saying is sex helps us to bond emotionally-there are all sorts of other factors to consider.

[Jamie2000]

Do you ever get butterflies, nervous or anxious in the beginning of a new relationship. Having obsessive thoughts about her, cant wait to see her, thinking about her all the time? Feel really happy around her? If yes that is infatuation and it is the first stage of love. Many people say the "L" word during this time. Infatuation can last anything from 6months-2years.

Once the infatuation wears off-you start to take a closer look at each other. You start noticing her flaws and a few little things you dont like about her. Youll learn whether you are really compatible or not. If you have the same morals, values and beliefs as well as long term goals (such as marriage and kids), if you mesh well together intellectually, sexually and emotionally-it means you are good together.

If you come to love the little flaws and they dont drive you insane or cause you to criticize or nag her or put her down then thats love.

Knowing all the good things and all the bad about her but still wanting to be with her and accepting her for who she is = real love.

The thing you need to ask yourself is: can you see a future with this girl? Does she make you happy? Does the thought of losing her upset you? If yes, then tell her you love her.

I am familiar with the feelings of "infatuation" but maybe the fact none of my relationships have gone beyond the 1 year mark I must be right when I say I've never been in love. I tend to notice flaws in people straight away and weigh them up before I even go out with someone. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that... I like my current girlfriend a lot but I don't envisage it lasting long-term. I see no reason to dump her though, it's only been four months.

[TablesandChairs]

I have a friend with Asperger's Syndrome and his love life sounds similar to yours. He can get infatuated, but it's never 'love' as such. I'm sure sure if that's because his emotional capacity is limited or because he hasn't met the right woman but I think the former plays a big role in it. Once he realizes that the object of his infatuation isn't 'perfect', he starts getting cold feet and eventually ends things. He also over-stresses certain things. For example, his ex (my good friend) once had a shitty day and yelled at him (he's really messy and it was driving her nuts). He saw this as 'abuse' and stated that he stopped feeling love for her on that day. Real love survives little things like that and most couples who love each other wouldn't contemplate breaking-up over a similar incident.
Anyway, that's one possibility. The other might be that you're afraid of commitment or just haven't found the right person.

[michelle23]

I am familiar with the feelings of "infatuation" but maybe the fact none of my relationships have gone beyond the 1 year mark I must be right when I say I've never been in love. I tend to notice flaws in people straight away and weigh them up before I even go out with someone. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that... I like my current girlfriend a lot but I don't envisage it lasting long-term. I see no reason to dump her though, it's only been four months.

Your probably just cautious and weary and that is why you look for the flaws. Its not necessarily a bad thing. I do that too as I need to be sure there are no red flags or warning signs that im over looking. It depends though what kind of flaws your looking for. For me I am just trying to ensure I can trust him. But if your looking her up and down and noticing a freckle or a spot or a wart whatever-that is bad. You should not be looking for complete perfection as it doesn't exist.

After 4 months-you should have an inkling by now if you can see a future. Most people day dream a little about marriage/kids in the infatuation stage and start hoping that this is "the one".

I don't think you get to the "true love" stage until you have been together maybe 3 or 4 or even 5 years. But infatuation is the first stage of love and attachment and most people do say it during that time as it just feels right.

[michelle23]

Maybe your standards are too high? You said you notice all her flaws. If there is a beautiful woman standing in front of you-do you notice that she has a spot on her chin or that her stomach isn't completely flat or that one of her teeth is slightly crooked instead of noticing all the great things?

I have a friend like that. He is very very insecure and therefore needs a perfect woman to make him feel better about himself. There could be a gorgeous girl standing there and hed call her "average". hes quite insulting and annoying. And he makes every girl in the room feel insecure by pointing out that the model over there has a bit of a gut on her.. even though she could be stick thin. I mean hes only attracted to girls that are almost anorexic coz he has a fat phobia lol.

[searock]

I have a friend like that. He is very very insecure and therefore needs a perfect woman to make him feel better about himself.

I've met guys like this^^... ugh, so annoying! And crazy insecure.