I feel like my boyfriend is too irresponsible.

[michelle23]

No ^^ he gets defensive coz he knows she is right. I wouldnt care how defensive someone gets. If I were you I would give him an ultimatim "get off your lazy ass, go to work everyday, take school seriously, grow a pair, man up and start planning for our future if you want a future with me. You are not a child, I am not your mother and in future I will try to wake you once, tell you to get out of bed and if you dont and you get fired or you fail school-that is your problem-not mine. If you dont man up and start taking your responsibilities seriously-our rent, bills, groceries, savings so we can have a future then I will leave you coz I will not settle for this crap.

then walk out-leave him for an hour to have a long, hard think about what you said-give him a month to man up and if he doesnt-you pack your things and leave. simple!

[anonymous_a]

You're not seeing what you do and how you try to control. I added to that post, maybe that will clear up what I'm trying to convey to you. People who try to control rarely see that they are trying to control btw it's called denial. Not trying to piss you off but the very fact that you try to wake him up is you trying to control. Sorry, I'm not trying to piss you off but what I'm saying is the truth. Look at who he is. You can't make him change but you can give him motivation to want to by stopping enabling him by stopping being his reason not to worry about his own growing up, that he still has to do.

Oh and another thing. You'll have a hard time crossing the boarder, getting on a plane that flys to or over American air space if he has a record and they pull it up. Happend to a friend of ours kid when he was going over to Las Vegas for his Bachelor party.. the whole wedding party flew out and they randomly searched the groom and they wouldn't let him on the plane. Something else for you to consider while you're figuring out if this guy is your LIFEmate or just a passing fancy.

Up until recently I had considered him my life mate, and yes, I've thought about his criminal record having an effect on us, but it never really bothered me that much. As far as the control thing goes, any thing like that, that I've ever done, I've done based on his requests. When we started dating, we were gunna wait a while before moving in together, instead he asked if I wanted to move in with him, because he thought I'd be a good motivation. Making him get out of bed every morning isn't controlling, it's slapping him in the face with his own responsibility. And please don't talk to me like I am some naive 19 year old girl. I'm not in denial, and I'm not controlling. I am VERY in touch with myself (brain and body) and I know what I am, and am not.

The problem is that he gets defensive when you want to talk about it. You have to talk to him in a way he doesn't get defensive. Let him know it's important for you, and let him know what you expect from him and your life. Of course, if talking doesn't work, you will have to take the hard option and dump him.

Talking to him in a way that doesn't get defensive, doesn't exist. He has a short fuse, and gets frustrated very easily. We've only been together a year and a half, but I've known him for 11 years. I know him pretty well. And "dumping him" is much easier said than done when you share a life, an apartment, families and pets. It's not some quick decision I can make rationally.

[Wakeup]

Up until recently I had considered him my life mate, and yes, I've thought about his criminal record having an effect on us, but it never really bothered me that much. As far as the control thing goes, any thing like that, that I've ever done, I've done based on his requests. When we started dating, we were gunna wait a while before moving in together, instead he asked if I wanted to move in with him, because he thought I'd be a good motivation. Making him get out of bed every morning isn't controlling, it's slapping him in the face with his own responsibility. And please don't talk to me like I am some naive 19 year old girl. I'm not in denial, and I'm not controlling. I am VERY in touch with myself (brain and body) and I know what I am, and am not.

This is how ALL people who are trying to control how someone else lives (and are failing at it) react to being told they are trying to control and failing at it. One thing I've learned is to stop trying to explain how a person is controlling when they don't understand the concept or refuse to believe that they are trying to change someone into who they want them to be. I like you anon. so I won't push it. You'll understand what I mean when you get fed up with trying and enabling or, you'll stick it out forever and just get in the habit of venting about the asshole that does nothing, but you love him and so you stay.

[anonymous_a]

Well my boyfriend seems to have noticed my attitude, and today asked if "we" were okay. I didn't know how to respond, so he hung up on me. I'm now unsure of where we stand. I'm at work, and couldn't tell him straight out that I feel he is irresponsible, because he just makes up excuses for everything, and I could feel the lump growing in my throat and the last thing I need is a break down at work. Ugh.

[Wakeup]

When someone asks you if "we're okay" and you're not, then you really do need to tell them "No" but I can't talk about it at work, can we book a date night where neither of us will be distracted and we will both be focused." Then tell him exactly what you told us and if he gets verbally abusive or angry then you can tell him that maybe he needs to add anger management classes to his attempts at graduating. (you can be nicer, of course)

Communication... give him a chance to remedy after discussing and if nothing changes, then this is the man for who he is. Then you decide if you can live with that man forever.

People come into our lives for A reason, A season or A lifetime. Which category does he fall into is what needs to be found out.

Good luck.

[anonymous_a]

When someone asks you if "we're okay" and you're not, then you really do need to tell them "No" but I can't talk about it at work, can we book a date night where neither of us will be distracted and we will both be focused." Then tell him exactly what you told us and if he gets verbally abusive or angry then you can tell him that maybe he needs to add anger management classes to his attempts at graduating. (you can be nicer, of course)

Communication... give him a chance to remedy after discussing and if nothing changes, then this is the man for who he is. Then you decide if you can live with that man forever.

People come into our lives for A reason, A season or A lifetime. Which category does he fall into is what needs to be found out.

Good luck.

Nothing serious has even happened yet, and I'm already in agony.

[Wakeup]

Nothing serious has even happened yet, and I'm already in agony.

I think thats fear of him not doing what you hope he will and then You'll have to make a life altering decision. It's fkd up being a grown up at times, no doubt.

He knows you love him, I pretty sure he knows he has a good thing in you. Hopefully he'll take the high road and get his shit together. Sometimes it takes someone to hit his rock bottom before he gets it, sadly.

Best to you, Anon.

[michelle23]

hun you have to grow a backbone and tell him the truth. Communication is key. No relationship you ever have will last if you dont learn to be assertive and face problems and conflict head on. This explains your emotional affair. You fear confrontation or you fear not being able to change him so you tried to distract yourself and escape. That is a catastrophic way to handle issues and you know that now. You need honest communication and a healthy way of tackling problems in every relationship or it WILL fail.

[anonymous_a]

I agree, I do need to communicate all my feelings with him. I work til 3, then going mini putting with my Godson, so hopefully tonight, we can sort things out.

[xrobotlove]

Motivation and ambition needs to come from within. Maybe there's something else blocking him from taking life seriously right now? A few common reasons for this behavior- 1. He doesn't actually see a future with you and therefore, consciously or not, is slacking off until his 'real life' begins. 2. He isn't passionate enough about what he's doing. I know it's hard to have your "dream job" in this economy, but there are still other jobs that he could be happy to go to everyday. I absolutely hate cashier work and I always end up late or calling out, but I don't as much mind waitressing and I'm never late or call out. 3. Emotional issues. The things you described are very common characteristics of a person with depression. Not situational depression or sadness, but a chemical imbalance due to a lack of serotonin. Serotonin gives you "life libido". Without it, it's hard to get out of bed, go to work, focus in school, be responsible, be motivated. Whenever I've been off of my anti-depressant, I can't do any of these things. Depression doesn't have to include moping or sadness, a lot of times it looks like laziness, apathy, or ADD. Adult ADD is actually treated using anti-depressants rather than stimulants.
You should make sure he knows you aren't just stressed about this for your own sake. It's also for his own well-being and for your mutual future.

[anonymous_a]

Motivation and ambition needs to come from within. Maybe there's something else blocking him from taking life seriously right now? A few common reasons for this behavior- 1. He doesn't actually see a future with you and therefore, consciously or not, is slacking off until his 'real life' begins. 2. He isn't passionate enough about what he's doing. I know it's hard to have your "dream job" in this economy, but there are still other jobs that he could be happy to go to everyday. I absolutely hate cashier work and I always end up late or calling out, but I don't as much mind waitressing and I'm never late or call out. 3. Emotional issues. The things you described are very common characteristics of a person with depression. Not situational depression or sadness, but a chemical imbalance due to a lack of serotonin. Serotonin gives you "life libido". Without it, it's hard to get out of bed, go to work, focus in school, be responsible, be motivated. Whenever I've been off of my anti-depressant, I can't do any of these things. Depression doesn't have to include moping or sadness, a lot of times it looks like laziness, apathy, or ADD. Adult ADD is actually treated using anti-depressants rather than stimulants.
You should make sure he knows you aren't just stressed about this for your own sake. It's also for his own well-being and for your mutual future.

He has come to me about being depressed, but I have a lot of clinically depressed people in my family, including bipolar, and it doesn't seem to be that. The depression, due to lack of serotonin could be a possibility as well. He really seems to have no motivation when it comes to school or work.

I just spoke with him about everything, and told him how I was feeling, and he understands. We agreed to take things day by day, and hopefully he will find another job soon. If I don't see a change though, I will have to walk out the door, and I think our conversation has prepared him for that.

[michelle23]

its good you have come to an avgreement and a decision.

depression affects different people in ifferent ways. he has told you he feels depressed. dont question it-just ask him to go to the doctor.go with him if he wants support

its scary admitting something is wrong but hell feel better if he talks to someone

[anonymous_a]

Mods, can I have this thread deleted please?

[devilish]

Mods, can I have this thread deleted please?

PM a moderator

[anonymous_a]

PM a moderator

How? How do I find their profiles? How do I know who is a mod?