Should I tell her I love her?

[aalexan1]

I am a bit older (upper 20s), but without much "serious" relationship experience.

I have mostly done casual dating and flings. I didn't expect to fall for this girl.

We broke up because I thought she wanted marriage and babies ASAP. I'm afraid of commitment, and my friend was telling me if I dated her and wasn't 100% certain RIGHT NOW about babies, I'd leave her an old spinster. It was complete crap, and my friend was trying to sabotage it, because, surprise surprise, she was in love with me. Stupid drama.

I tried to get over her, but just wasn't happy doing it. I liked her, wanted her, missed her.

She's the best girl I've dated.

She doesn't seem to care as much about the other guy as me. Not sure if that's still true. The first time we met after the break-up, she kept asking me if I was snooping, and seeing if I was jealous.

Then when I told her I wanted her back a week later (a day before he was taking her on a camping trip, so REALLY poor timing), she rejected me, crying.

Then she agreed to meet with me a week after that, and I think she nearly took me back. I think she thinks I wasn't actually serious, and I was just needy/wanting her back because I couldn't have her. She even put on the movie the break up and made a comment about how, "Men always want what they can't have", but by the end of the night we were looking in each other's eyes, and she was telling me how much she missed them.

I actually really, without a shred of doubt in my mind, still like her.

I was pushy after that, she told me she "really liked the other guy", and then proceeded to give me examples of "We're going to do 4th of July together" and "I'm going on a trip to Chicago with him", which to me didn't seem like real reasons, but I can't tell. Maybe she does like him. She probably likes him even more now.

I just don't know what to do in this case - I've screwed it up royally. This was a marriage quality girl though.

[aalexan1]

Anyone see this? " So I stupidly broke up with a girl two months ago, for a stupid reason.
"She started dating someone else."

"I realized the reason was stupid".

The key factor here is she gets a new guy and THEN he realizes he made a mistake and loves her?...he just can't stand the fact she is with someone else that is all.

Not at all. Not at all.

I kept trying to make plans to see her and tell her I wanted her back, but we were both very busy people and we live sorta far-ish away (45 minutes) and I WAS trying to get over her too. I initially was supportive of her dating someone else, because I felt he could give her something I couldn't (very rapid marriage), but realized she didn't want that.

I absolutely did not want to break up with her. I should have communicated that better, but I really, really, really didn't want to. I was depressed immediately after. I literally felt me breaking up with her was the best solution to prevent her getting hurt later. Which was ridiculous, but I had a very close friend of mine constantly hammering at me about how I was such a horrible person for dating her. After this whole situation, I entirely cut that person out.

[aalexan1]

I agree with ^^^ that.

OP: If you actually loved her then you would have told her that without digging in your heals. She gave you another chance and sub consciously you didn't want it. Heed your gut man.

Let her go and consciously stop thinking about her and getting back with her and soon enough you'll become indifferent to her and whatever she's doing with anyone else.

She was NOT meant to be your LIFEmate. If she was, you'd still be with her so there is no need to regret so stop your OCD thinking on this so that you can get on with finding someone more suitable for you that saying "I love you" to comes easy.

Saying I love you doesn't ever come easily to me. With anyone. Ever.

[Wakeup]

Saying I love you doesn't ever come easily to me. With anyone. Ever.

Then you would have made it clear to her in your actions that you did. But ~ you didn't say it and you didn't show it. Means you're not comfortable letting yourself become vulnerable to her. When you meet the right one, you will allow yourself that vulnerability with her because you actually trust her with your heart.

BTW: Dont' you think its more natural and "meant to be" that you tell someone you love them to keep them, not to try and manipulate them back to you?

[aalexan1]

I was vulnerable and open with her.

I actually sorta broke down the night I thought we were going to get back together - which I don't think came off very well. I don't say I love you easily, I don't want to say I love you easily. The fact that I am willing to with her is a fairly big deal.

I'm not trying to manipulate her at all.

If I told her I loved her - and I'm leaning towards not saying anything right now - it would be entirely and thoroughly earnest - I would mean every damn word I said.

I don't think judging me for "not being with the right one" just because I'm terrified of emotional intimacy is fair.

I screwed up here - probably too far to recover the situation, and I'm probably going to have to just move on - it's been two months since we were dating, even if we were very intimate less than a month ago.

Trust me - I absolutely understand and admit I screwed up. I've been on an entire self improvement kick since that point - I've worked out at the gym every single day (literally, every single day since the last time I talked to her), I've got a new job lined up making 15k more per year, and I published a children's book and a website I've wanted to for years respectively - I realize I screwed up heavily, but I really, really cared about this girl.

She is literally the best girl I've dated.

Without any question in my mind.

She's smart, she's kind, she's motivated. She's grounded in ways I'm not, I'm ballsy and take initiative in ways she doesn't or won't. I broke her rules and she broke mine and that was ok. The sex was electric, I've never had someone where it felt like I was made for them. She wants to take care of herself long-term, she wants to get better, learn new skills, just like me. She cares about the environment and society.

She told me secrets she didn't tell anyone else. I met her best friend almost immediately - she didn't let her boyfriend of three years do that.

I've never had a girl look at me in the eyes like that. I don't think I've ever looked at a girl in the eyes like that. Even the last time I saw her, the chemistry was amazing - we even had a moment, something where she and I didn't even want to talk, we felt so strongly.

She's the only girl, in my entire life, that made me consider having kids.

[Wakeup]

I was vulnerable and open with her.

I actually sorta broke down the night I thought we were going to get back together

That does not mean you allowed yourself to be vulnerable to her. It simply meant that your emotional response was something that was stronger then what you could control at the time. If you had told her you loved her when she was looking to hear that, if you had trusted her with your heart then you would have been allowing yourself to become vulnerable to her.

- which I don't think came off very well.

It ususally doesn't when a chick isnt too sure of her own feelings for a guy. Seeing him cry at that point pershaps made her subconsciously lose attraction for you.

I don't say I love you easily, I don't want to say I love you easily. The fact that I am willing to with her is a fairly big deal.

that's your cross to bear. As I said, if you choke on that word then the least you could have done was show her in your actions that you loved her. Have you ever read The Five Love Languages? It's a good one that defines the different ways that people show how they feel loved.

I'm not trying to manipulate her at all.

Just because you say you are'nt doesn't make it so. However if you don't believe you are then why all of a sudden are you willing to let down your guard... I think it's because you think that telling her you love her will make her want you back.

If I told her I loved her - and I'm leaning towards not saying anything right now - it would be entirely and thoroughly earnest - I would mean every damn word I said.

Then that begs the question; why didn't you just say it when you were with her you had the perfect opportunity, before she went aND met up with her new guys parents, say?

I don't think judging me for "not being with the right one" just because I'm terrified of emotional intimacy is fair.

Tough, sport. If the shoe fits as I see it does, then I'll tell ya what I see.

She's the only girl, in my entire life, that made me consider having kids.

lol.. she'll hardly be the last... and it will likely be with the very girl you're not afraid to show or/and tell you love her.

I'll add that you're going to do what you perceive to be the best thing for you to do whether its prudent to do or not so just go about what you want to do. I'm just giving you some things to ponder before you go ahead and do what you were always going to do in the first place.

[aalexan1]

That does not mean you allowed yourself to be vulnerable to her. It simply meant that your emotional response was something that was stronger then what you could control at the time. If you had told her you loved her when she was looking to hear that, if you had trusted her with your heart then you would have been allowing yourself to become vulnerable to her.

Truth.

Just because you say you are'nt doesn't make it so. However if you don't believe you are then why all of a sudden are you willing to let down your guard... I think it's because you think that telling her you love her will make her want you back.

Even after this incident, I questioned, and thought on it for weeks. Several people were like, "You are obviously so in the closet about loving her" and I thought about it. And I eventually stopped fighting myself and realized it was true.

Tough, sport. If the shoe fits as I see it does, then I'll tell ya what I see.

As you should. I am fighting things you say somewhat, but I see truth in the words you speak.

I'll add that you're going to do what you perceive to be the best thing for you to do whether its prudent to do or not so just go about what you want to do. I'm just giving you some things to ponder before you go ahead and do what you were always going to do in the first place.

I'll probably just let it die and move on.

I've hurt her enough. Maybe we'll get together again. I have no idea how serious she is about this guy - to me it reads like she's trying to force a relationship to happen - a week before I admitted my feelings (in a poor way), she was talking about marrying me and seeing if I was jealous of him. Part of me thinks she doesn't know what SHE wants yet, but sees all of her friends as married now and feels like a failure. Also her parents are older, so there might be pressure there.

I don't think I should explode this drama and feelings barrage on her. I'm going to try my best to move on, keep casual contact with her, maybe put out feelers a couple of times. I'm busting my ass to improve, and she's sure to see that, too.

I love her, and I'm sure she loved me too, but there's no point in trying to force something.

[Wakeup]

A very wise and mature decision, me thinks, aalex.

Part of me thinks she doesn't know what SHE wants yet,

I don't think she knows what she wants either. She jumped from you to him awfully quickly for someone who a minute ago wanted your babies.

Cheers.

[aalexan1]

Also, the second to last time we hung out, I told her maybe she wasn't ready for babies, and she said, "Maybe you're right", and seemed to really believe it - possibly in an attempt to get me back. She was also excited when the waitress called her my girlfriend, and I didn't correct her. That was literally 5 days before I told her I wanted her back.

I really do think if I hadn't told her I wanted her back a day before she was scheduled to go on a trip with the guy, she probably would have come back.

She's had a poor relationship history, from what I could tell (which worked, as I have too - one reason I go for casual relationships - I think one reason we worked so well was that we mutually cared about each other). She mentioned an ex who was an alcoholic, an ex who found porn more attractive than her, an ex who admitted to her he done something MAJORLY illegal and immoral - even I was like, "And you stayed with him?!" and she made an excuse for the guy. She also mentioned staying with a guy for three years she didn't see as "serious potential".

She was SO EXCITED that I reciprocated sexually and I told her she was beautiful.

It seems like she's had a string of men who treated her pretty poorly and weren't all that amazing. The fact that I broke up with her probably made her think I was like that.

I think she feels like a failure because many of her friends are married with kids. Plus her parents are older (like mid-60s), so I think she's feeling pressured to have kids before they die.

And yeah, I pointed out that she jumped ship pretty quickly too. She wants a serious relationship. I don't think she necessarily knows what that means.

I think both me and her had a problem about maturity.

I'm not saying a relationship couldn't work between the two of us - I think it could have, but obviously we'd need some growing up/better communication.

I'm making her sound bad, but other than that, she seemed to have a great head on her shoulders - nice apartment, money in the bank, large circle of friends, went to a good school, good employment history.

She just wanted to know that a guy cared about her.

That was her biggest hurdle the night she gave me the final chance. I passed that test, until the neediness thing, which probably made her think none of it was real.

[Wakeup]

She's had a poor relationship history, from what I could tell (which worked, as I have too - one reason I go for casual relationships - I think one reason we worked so well was that we mutually cared about each other). She mentioned an ex who was an alcoholic, an ex who found porn more attractive than her, an ex who admitted to her he done something MAJORLY illegal and immoral - even I was like, "And you stayed with him?!" and she made an excuse for the guy. She also mentioned staying with a guy for three years she didn't see as "serious potential".

Schweety... me thinks you dodged a bullet.

Chillax about her and get on with your life. Try and find a chick who doesn't sound like she has boarderline personality disorder. Quit thinking you did something wrong or if you had only blah blah blah. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, it takes two people to want something and to be on the same page for it to be successful. By her history, I don't think she's capable of being in anything succesful to be honest.

[aalexan1]

I don't know that I agree with you - she didn't really exhibit any notably crazy signs, and seemed to be relatively well-adjusted. I think she gets attached easily, but is self aware of it. In fact, she's said as much, about coworkers and jobs and such.

That's not a problem if you've learned coping strategies - which at this point I think she more or less has. The guy she's dating now isn't bad per se. At least as far as I can tell. Doesn't seem particularly exciting, but then again, I'm not exactly inclined to like him, nor do I know very much about him.

Again, we'll see. If she becomes free, I will likely give her another chance. If she doesn't, it happens. Typically I go on a self improvement kick after a girl rejects me, and at the end of it, the girl wants me back and I don't want her back. Not sure if that'll happen in this case - this seems like a solid girl, just with a spotty relationship history.

[Wakeup]

You know her, I don't.

Good luck in any event.

[aalexan1]

Thanks! I'm typically pretty good with meeting women, just not as much with relationships. This has definitely been a lesson learned!

[aalexan1]

Ah, she went FB official with the other guy today, so that pretty much confirms my decision on this. Exactly two months after me and her broke up, and about a month after I told her I wanted her back.

[smackie9]

OK so you are done here...good. Now get out there and get busy with the ladies.