Desperatly need marriage advice

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It's a lame message and you are going to get a swift kick to the gut by her reaction to it.

Please do send it and share her response with us. Whiny shit like this will not make a woman lust after you.

[Wakeup]

Yea.. no. Don't send that. Play it cool now and give her a chance to look forward to your getaway without pressure from in in any manner.

Stop trying so hard. Keep trying but don't over do it and make her feel obligated to respond. Sending that is manipulative, she will see the manipulation and she'll feel resentment towards you.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She won't see it as manipulation. She'll just see you as a nancy-pants faggot boy...again, not lust inducing.

[fernando]

Harsh but fair.Points taken and message deleted.

[Wakeup]

She won't see it as manipulation. She'll just see you as a nancy-pants faggot boy...again, not lust inducing.

I'll bet your nancy-pants and raise it with the feeling of being manipulated = "not lust inducing"

Harsh but fair.Points taken and message deleted.

well done.

[smackie9]

I will give a brief description of my situation and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I seperated from my wife last year after 10 years together. We have 2 young boys aged 2 and 4. My wife left due to me basically taking her for granted. I have had a hell of a lot of time to think and i desperatly want to make a go of my marriage with the woman i love. Ive told my wife i still love her and would like to give it another shot. She suggested a family holiday which we have just come back from. It went really well. I have fallen in love with her all over again. Problem is she says she doesnt feel the same at the moment but wants to go on dates to see if anything happens.

I would like to know from a womans point of view, am i wasting my time? I dont want to carry on if im going to end up upset all over again. She says she wants to be with me but still says she doesnt feel like she wants to rip my clothes off when she sees me, which is how she thinks she should feel. Ive argued that after 10 years together i doubt there are many couples that do feel like that. Instead there relationship is built on friendship and love.Or am i wrong.

I desperatly dont want to lose my family but im at my wits end with worry.

Help!!

No you are not wasting your time. Dating/romancing is an important part to sustane a marriage. When you can get so caught up in family responsabilities, raising kids, chores, motgage, bills,etc...you end up forgetting what it's like to be a couple in love. What has happened to you is normal. By seperating your responsabilities as adults from your romantic life will rebuild that emotional connection your wife is talking about. She needs to feel desired, needs to feel sexy, and wants to feel appreciated. Once you get those things going again then sex will start again which inturn will regain emotional connection. If you don't stimulate the woman emotionally she will lose her desire for you.

Your dates need to be spontanious, creative, no talk of kids or family problems, and upbeat. Start dumpin those kids off at the grandparents for a weekend and go away to a bed and breakfast near a twon where you can go hiking or shopping. Got to think more outside the box rather than the boring dinner and a movie.

In no time things will totally improve.

She just got frustrated and her only move to get your attention was to suggest ending the marriage. She just wants to feel like a desired women again, not a mother, house keeper, grocery getter.

[fernando]

Having had a bit of a heart to heart with the wife today she says that she finds it hard to put her barriers down and get close to me.She thinks she just needs time but isnt ready to get intimate with me yet(kiss). I feel more posistive having had a chat with her. I let her down many times in the past by not listening to her. I truly believe i will change this time as i wouldnt want to let her or my children down. I will keep you updated and im sure i will be back asking for more advice soon. Thanks to all those who contributed. Its nice to get things off my chest and have people that will listen.

[smackie9]

Sounds like that is what she is looking for.....for you to listen and communicate with her. Best of luck.

[michelle23]

As I say to you each time you tell me it isn't black and white, the point of my advice is to make it black and white and force a decision one way or the other, so that the person is not in constant limbo. It doesn't matter how long they've been together.

My old boss and his wife separated, and when he was sick of waiting for her to decide he filed for divorce. When served the papers she decided that she wanted him to move back in. This was after close 20 years of marriage.

Backup i comletely agree with your advice to take action, take control of the situation and make the decision for her. I would advise the same with leaving or divorce etc but not f**king other women. That is just causing unnessasary pain and anger and complicates the situation more.
If OPs plan doesnt work out-it would be wise to give her divorce papers but not to persue anyone else until he knows for sure its over for good

i do get where your coming from. I hate these games and mixed signals too and i wouldnt tolerate it either but i woudnt set out to cause more pain and ruin any chances of reconciliation

[Wakeup]

Having had a bit of a heart to heart with the wife today she says that she finds it hard to put her barriers down and get close to me.She thinks she just needs time but isnt ready to get intimate with me yet(kiss). I feel more posistive having had a chat with her. I let her down many times in the past by not listening to her. I truly believe i will change this time as i wouldnt want to let her or my children down. I will keep you updated and im sure i will be back asking for more advice soon. Thanks to all those who contributed. Its nice to get things off my chest and have people that will listen.

Baby steps, fernando.

Best of luck from me as well.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

For people like his wife, it isn't real until it hurts. That isn't why I said to do it though, I really had no consideration for her feelings at all. Neither should the OP, that was the point. They are separated and he should be looking out for himself and his kid, not for her, she already has that covered. He should treat it as over, serve her, and start moving on from her. Reassess if she changes her mind. Right now he's just helping her get to a point where she is completely comfortable leaving him for good.

[michelle23]

Yes but its not fully over until he says it is or she does. Most marriages hit a patch like this at some point. I believe they can get through it and make their way back to each other as long as they dont hurt each other by cheating. I just know if i was having doubts and needed some space and he did that-that would make my mind up for good and it would be 100% over.

Shes not doing this to hurt him. My guess is she "nagged" him for years. She wanted him to listen when she tried to communicate with him about whats wrong but he percieved it as nagging and ignored it and now she is trying to shock him into appreciating her more. She doesnt know what else to do. Shes gone off him sexually because she feels unappreciated and emotionally distant. He can fix it. Its make or break. Sleeping with someone else will break them

[BackUpOrGetStng]

There is no such thing as cheating when you're separated. Kicking him out of the house and withholding sex is pure manipulation. If she's that unhappy she should drop him. Guys in his shoes cling super hard when this happens because they think there is no one else. Once he realizes that he can get someone else, he'll stop acting like a spineless bitch, and I bet that lust will come back. Agree to disagree.

[HeartIsAching]

Counseling for both of you is the best idea. You will both learn better methods of communication, which will do wonders for your levels of intimacy. If you can't convince her to go with you, go alone, as you've suggested.

[michelle23]

There is no such thing as cheating when you're separated. Kicking him out of the house and withholding sex is pure manipulation. If she's that unhappy she should drop him. Guys in his shoes cling super hard when this happens because they think there is no one else. Once he realizes that he can get someone else, he'll stop acting like a spineless bitch, and I bet that lust will come back. Agree to disagree.

After 10 years of marriage and two kids it is an insult to everything you had to hop outa one bed and v easily hop into another. Separated or not, its wrong. Agree to disagree

i do agree though that its wrong to keep him on a string like a puppet.

If i was in OPs shoes, i think i would ask for counselling and if he said no, i would then start preparing the divorce. I bet id get my counselling then