I live with husband damaged by war.

[pcmaster]

The problem is he cant forget past cause every scar on his body will remind of it. What I mean with open up heart is talk about felings thats deep, deep inside and dont let him live in the moment - be happy.

[Stranger1983]

The problem is he cant forget past cause every scar on his body will remind of it. What I mean with open up heart is talk about felings thats deep, deep inside and dont let him live in the moment - be happy.

I really try to make him open his heart and pour his pain out, but mostly it doesn't work. One i was so determent, we were in bed and i started subject about his past, he refused to talk about it. I climbed on his back and didn't let him to sleep for 2 hours and he finally gave in and talked about it, but only after i started to cry on his back and blamed him that he doesn't trust me. And when he started to speak about all his horrors he surivved and present horrors he struggles with all i could do is to cry again and hug him, and he told me "I told you not to talk about it and laughed a bit."

[Valixy]

I agree with the advice given that you and your husband should not give up on trying therapy within the existing possibilities.

Your husband's story reminded me a little bit of Sanford Clark's story, who was kidnapped by his uncle Gordon Stewart Northcott in 1926 when he was 13 years old and kept on a ranch surrounded by desert where he was raped, beaten and forced to kill or destroy bodies of other little boys that were kidnapped later for two years. When the police was alerted and went to the ranch in 1928, they found Sanford who later confessed about everything what happened there and was a key witness in his uncle's trial. Sanford was sent to a boarding school for 5 years but after only two years following the rehabilitation programme, he was sent back to Canada.

There's a book on Sanford's recovery story, called The Road Out of Hell, by Anthony Flacco. I haven't read it, so I can't personally recommend it to you, but you could maybe try to read it online if you find it available, or order it through Amazon. Here are a few lines from one of the resumes I found online: 'Forced by Northcott to take part in the murders, Sanford carried tremendous guilt all his life. Yet despite his youth and the trauma, he was the star witness at Northcott's trial, leading to his execution. Perhaps the most shocking part of all is the extraordinarily ordinary life Clark went on to live as a decorated WWII vet, a devoted husband of 55 years, a loving father, and a productive citizen. Flacco shows how Sanford was able to detoxify himself from the evil he'd encountered and emerge intact.'

There's a film too about this case, Changeling with Angelina Jolie, but it centres on Walter's story, a nine years old little boy who went missing and not on Sanford's recovery story.

Obviously every person and destiny is different and I don't know if this information will be of any use or interest to you, but in any case, you will for sure be very discreet about this and not share any horrific story with your husband even if it has a happy ending. Remembering this story, I realised that the very impressive thing about your husband is that in spite of everything he went through and still does, he has always been ready to sacrifice himself for his country and has remained a devoted husband and a productive citizen. So many people who have been through much less in life are uncapable of so much and of his daily effort to reconnect with life.

Here's a YouTube link to a short video about Sanford Clark, if you would like to watch it:

[pcmaster]

I really try to make him open his heart and pour his pain out, but mostly it doesn't work. One i was so determent, we were in bed and i started subject about his past, he refused to talk about it. I climbed on his back and didn't let him to sleep for 2 hours and he finally gave in and talked about it, but only after i started to cry on his back and blamed him that he doesn't trust me. And when he started to speak about all his horrors he surivved and present horrors he struggles with all i could do is to cry again and hug him, and he told me "I told you not to talk about it and laughed a bit."

Well talking about past can help but not in longterm cause it just brings back memories(and looks like when he shares that kind of pain with you you feel too much for him). What will be more usefull is to talk about present. What bothers guy at the moment what does he thinks about himself and what does he think others thinks about him. What guy needs to be confident and why he cant be happy right now what keeps him silent. Sometimes simple question like " Who are you?" is hard to answer.

[Stranger1983]

Well talking about past can help but not in longterm cause it just brings back memories(and looks like when he shares that kind of pain with you you feel too much for him). What will be more usefull is to talk about present. What bothers guy at the moment what does he thinks about himself and what does he think others thinks about him. What guy needs to be confident and why he cant be happy right now what keeps him silent. Sometimes simple question like " Who are you?" is hard to answer.

I do speak with him about present, and i discribed it a bit in the text i posted. Again he fell in to severe depression, he tries to hide it from others, only i know it. I already wrote that he got new problems, i think it has to do something with anxiety, his own hands freak him out, he avoids looking at them. For example when he sits he holds them under the table. He has that new problem in which he wonders why he exists and what the hell is he doing in his body in this world. Or when we watch TV for example, he holds his hands under blanket. His psycho is severely damaged. He is normal person, but he is being hunted by fears or "trips" such as this with his own body. He cant get rid of constant jitters and fear of death. At sun set they become worse, and in 1AM or 2AM those fears leave slowly. And many other things that happen to him. Doctors gave me tons of advices, most of them have no effect. One doctor even told me to full fill my husband's sexual fantasy, when i asked my husband for his sexual fantasy, he has none. Every man has sexual fantasy but not my husband. When he sleeps he starts to shake, to bag for mercy while sleeping and he starts to drip with cold sweat, so many times during winter he gets cold. So we move our bed to living room where we have fireplace all night. At least its romantic, haha. But not so romantic when he starts to moan during sleeping. Doctors told me to never lose patience with his fears, depressions and everything, because that could hurt his pride, he could feel as burden and who knows what could he do to himself after that. He never cried in front of me, he believes man should not cry in front of woman.

[Stranger1983]

I agree with the advice given that you and your husband should not give up on trying therapy within the existing possibilities.

Your husband's story reminded me a little bit of Sanford Clark's story, who was kidnapped by his uncle Gordon Stewart Northcott in 1926 when he was 13 years old and kept on a ranch surrounded by desert where he was raped, beaten and forced to kill or destroy bodies of other little boys that were kidnapped later for two years. When the police was alerted and went to the ranch in 1928, they found Sanford who later confessed about everything what happened there and was a key witness in his uncle's trial. Sanford was sent to a boarding school for 5 years but after only two years following the rehabilitation programme, he was sent back to Canada.

There's a book on Sanford's recovery story, called The Road Out of Hell, by Anthony Flacco. I haven't read it, so I can't personally recommend it to you, but you could maybe try to read it online if you find it available, or order it through Amazon. Here are a few lines from one of the resumes I found online: 'Forced by Northcott to take part in the murders, Sanford carried tremendous guilt all his life. Yet despite his youth and the trauma, he was the star witness at Northcott's trial, leading to his execution. Perhaps the most shocking part of all is the extraordinarily ordinary life Clark went on to live as a decorated WWII vet, a devoted husband of 55 years, a loving father, and a productive citizen. Flacco shows how Sanford was able to detoxify himself from the evil he'd encountered and emerge intact.'

There's a film too about this case, Changeling with Angelina Jolie, but it centres on Walter's story, a nine years old little boy who went missing and not on Sanford's recovery story.

Obviously every person and destiny is different and I don't know if this information will be of any use or interest to you, but in any case, you will for sure be very discreet about this and not share any horrific story with your husband even if it has a happy ending. Remembering this story, I realised that the very impressive thing about your husband is that in spite of everything he went through and still does, he has always been ready to sacrifice himself for his country and has remained a devoted husband and a productive citizen. So many people who have been through much less in life are uncapable of so much and of his daily effort to reconnect with life.

Here's a YouTube link to a short video about Sanford Clark, if you would like to watch it:

[[/video]

Thank you for the video. You are right, i am sure he shouldn't see this. He avoids war movies, or horror movies. He only watches comedies. From western comedies, he likes to watch that 70s show, he likes Red Forman most from all those characters. He speaks English as well. Everyone younger than 40 here speaks English more or less, haha.

[pcmaster]

Well only good advice I could give is counselling. Talk with someone who used to hear these kind of things, cause when you talk to someone who feels sorry for you it makes things only worse feeling that your problem is bigger than it actually is.

What about sexually fantasies if he dont have one then maybe you have. You could make him live by your passion. At least temporary.

[TablesandChairs]

It sounds like you've tried most things; some things are beyond your help as a wife. He's too young to live the rest of his life in this 'nothing' state. I suggested electro-convulsive therapy because I know it has had success in people where all other conventional therapies had failed, including medication, therapy, CBT and so forth. He needs to be engaged with a reputed psychiatrist on a regular basis...I understand your limitations but I don't see another way. Put it this way: is someone had a physical illness, you would seek professional help, you wouldn't try to fix it yourself. This is not something you can fix on your own; I think you've probably helped him tremendously so far so don't think I'm dismissing your efforts; without you, he would have been much, much worse.

[Stranger1983]

It sounds like you've tried most things; some things are beyond your help as a wife. He's too young to live the rest of his life in this 'nothing' state. I suggested electro-convulsive therapy because I know it has had success in people where all other conventional therapies had failed, including medication, therapy, CBT and so forth. He needs to be engaged with a reputed psychiatrist on a regular basis...I understand your limitations but I don't see another way. Put it this way: is someone had a physical illness, you would seek professional help, you wouldn't try to fix it yourself. This is not something you can fix on your own; I think you've probably helped him tremendously so far so don't think I'm dismissing your efforts; without you, he would have been much, much worse.

Me and my husband earn around 550 dollars per month together. And when i pay electricity, water bills and other stuff, and when i buy the needed food and stuff for house hold, i must ask my parents or my husband's parents sometimes for help. We all live in the same village work in the same farm so they always help, "lucky" us. Actually my parents are one mile away and they hold bee hives. But that doesn't matter. My point is, if i spend all the money on the household, how am i suppoused to pay fancy psychiatrist to help my husband. And even when i do sometimes during these last 14 years, it doesn't help much. Once we went to Belgrade, the state psychiatrist suggested my husband should go to madhouse and be drugged to the rest of his life. He said he would feel dizzy and nice. What an idiot! At least when Serbia was still socialist, my husband could get his therapy for free in very advanced VMA hospital, it was Military Hospital, huge building, only soldiers were taken care there, mostly. I had apartment in Belgrade, so i didn't waste money on traveling.

While my husband was in VMA for first 6 months with worldly doctors, he made biggest progress. He couldn't stop shaking for almost 4 months. He had worse nightmares, he didn't want to go to sleep because of them, so he would fall a sleep in while talking or even walking, and then wake up screaming. But they fixed him somehow. I was doing and still do what they told me to. I was told to never question his fears, because he could feel as burden, and that cause who knows what. To never rise my voice at him. To avoid watching war movies or horrors. To avoid talking about the war, about which everyone in Serbia talked which is normal, so before i come somewhere with my husband somewhere, i had to give instructions to People when they meet him. Doctors told me to never sneak up to my husband. Told me when we sleep to hug him and always keep my face turned towards his face. I am ashamed to write this down, but they even told me to fulfill my husband's sexual fantasies , which he never spoke about after the war. And tons of other instructions. It did work slowly, but too slowly, so i wonder sometimes is it time that helped him or me.

[Stranger1983]

Well only good advice I could give is counselling. Talk with someone who used to hear these kind of things, cause when you talk to someone who feels sorry for you it makes things only worse feeling that your problem is bigger than it actually is.

What about sexually fantasies if he dont have one then maybe you have. You could make him live by your passion. At least temporary.

I am too shy to ask him that. haha It wouldn't bother him, he even asked me sometimes to do it for me.

[pcmaster]

I am too shy to ask him that. haha It wouldn't bother him, he even asked me sometimes to do it for me.

So you told him that peeing in the bed theres nothing to be shy about but when its time to ask for a little favor you are shy? Is thats double standarts?

[Stranger1983]

So you told him that peeing in the bed theres nothing to be shy about but when its time to ask for a little favor you are shy? Is thats double standarts?

I don't think that is double standard. That "problem" was in me. He did ask me for my fantasy. You must understand that women in my country have limits in their liberties of behavior about things such as sex. It is unnatural for woman to insist on sexual fantasies.

[pcmaster]

Thats why women in your country dont get their pussies licked.

[Stranger1983]

Thats why women in your country dont get their pussies licked.

Well this is awkward moment on this thread.

[pcmaster]

Do war damaged women confidence too in your country? You said thats its unnatural to women to insist. But before you said that you dont have to insist - even more you said that "he even asked me sometimes to do it for me." Are you complicating things now?

You remind me one girl - she was like ten times better than me but was shy even to talk to me.

Now you wrote all those good things that you did for a man and how lost he would be without you. Basicaly you been like saint all your life. Yet you have problem to openly tell your fantazy to a guy who owns you his life.