How do I advance Friends with benefits to something serious?

[Wakeup]

I added a quote from you to that "laughing here" Maple. = Well said by you.

[smackie9]

How about this....you think by showing she can trust you and be more finacial secure is your ticket to winning her heart, but here she is pining for an excon with herpes with no job or a penny to his name.....

[Maple1714]

How about this....you think by showing she can trust you and be more finacial secure is your ticket to winning her heart, but here she is pining for an excon with herpes with no job or a penny to his name.....

Haha...this is very true! An excon w/herpes....she has good taste huh?

[Vandle]

To Maple1714: Thank you once more for poignant advice. As to her age, she is 23 now, having raised her child for the first 2 years with his father's "help", and this last one on her own. I am an august 28 years of age, and while book-smart have had little luck unraveling the mysteries of the human mind, less still the hypocrisies of society. I feel it's not a question of emotional immaturity, but rather a stunted quality. Honest love was never given to her. It was a veil for shackles of obligation, and this explains the fear and revulsion. Truth be told I see only a longing for her younger days and glazed-over eyes when I wonder what she sees in a fool arrested for dealing hard drugs. I'm hoping meeting the new fool will awaken the realization that he was always a fool, just one with a gun and a bad attitude. She longs for a protector. That man only ever got her in danger's immediate vicinity, and kept her on its' fringe. VERY different from protecting someone from it entirely. I must master my passions and bide my time. I admit, I do feel open minded now, but far from strong. If I felt truly strong, I would keep my own council alone, and need no others.
To paraphrase Elminster of Shadowdale: I must now confer with my generals, who are all Vandle. Let's hope we can agree on something.

To one good sir FAndrews: You are quite correct, and so try I MUST. An opportunity passed is the same as a failure, and this I WILL NOT TOLERATE. Thank you for understanding my plight, and adding your kind sentiment.

And to the ever-persistent Wakeup: I'm not a SuperUnicorn. I AM THE UNICORN-WIZARD!!! Copyright Ninja Sex Party. If you had any idea what you were talking about, I might take you seriously. MIGHT. Now Peace-Off.

Oh, and Smackie? CHECK YOUR GRAMMAR. IQ 79 at best. Have a nice night.

[Rowen]

In general, I think it best for you to start moving towards finding someone else. This situation is obviously taking a worrisome toll on you, and it's not the usual kind I see on this forum.. But let me delve a little deeper.

As I've learned from others, look at the facts-not the possibilities. You know this woman has a guy in her life who is not going to be good for her. But she's smitten, so there's a good chance that things will pan out that way. And you know her views on love, right?

So, what does it all come down to? You can't change her mindset. It's either she does or it doesn't happen. I know it's hard to believe, but it has to be the person's choice. I know this because I'm in therapy right now to work on some of my problems and might have just ****ed up the best relationship I've ever had all because I didn't ever make such a strong attempt at fixing myself. You can't fix her or make her do that. If she goes for this guy, it is her choice. She knows that she has problems, but it's her choice whether or not to improve them because it's her life.

But let's say she goes with you... If this guy has that much power over her, you and I both know all too well you're going to be second best in her heart. And that may leave her to cheat on you, leave you, or something of the sort... Then, what would you have? A broken heart.

Protect yourself, OP. Do what's best for you, and she'll do what's best for her. But if you don't think her choices are best for her, it's not your life. It's hers... I wish I could give you magically positive advice, but I don't think this will end well if you continue to be involved.

[Wakeup]

And to the ever-persistent Wakeup: I'm not a SuperUnicorn. I AM THE UNICORN-WIZARD!!! Copyright Ninja Sex Party. If you had any idea what you were talking about, I might take you seriously. MIGHT. Now Peace-Off.

You are sounding more and more like some WoW character that is fantasizing through life searching for people that will tell you what you want to hear. Surely you can step back and look at your story as if it wasn't you that was being used and abused by this emotionally damaged young woman? Yes? No?

Nice guys finish last. Even when the woman being pursued isn't emotionally damaged. You enable her to stay with the hood because you're always there for her no matter what mud she slings your way. You give her ZERO motivation to be yours and yours alone.. Zero!

Adding: Nice guys, in your instance, translates into enabling behaviour and over compensation. Hardly Nice when its done with end-goals in mind. Many woman (most?) don't find men who don't respect themselves enough to not want to be second choice, very attractive as LIFEmates.

Ponder that without reactivity.. as if I was speaking to someone else who is settling for sex with a partner who is doing many while he's wanting her to only want him.

Your question: How do I advance Friends with Benefits into something more? In this case, you stop seeing, hanging, talking to and having anything to do with the emotionally damaged woman you are hung up with so that you can get over her and find a decent chick who wants you the way you want her. That's how, sport.

[Valixy]

Some people get caught in ''incomplete relationships'' and year after year they think it makes sense to wait and hope for trying to complete those relationships in some way and ignore any of the advice given by friends, relatives, etc. A few years later when they realise that nothing happens and nothing changes or improves they begin to understand that 'the heart only feels the truth' might be just a saying or we wouldn't have so many broken hearts and wasted relationships in this world. So they finally start detaching and letting go, and decide to finally face the process of learning to build a life for themselves without the love that wasn't meant for them, and they discover that emotional independence is priceless and that they can be happier without that person than with her. This probably happens in 99% of the cases but unfortunately those who are invoved in this kind of relationships rarely start doing the right thing before a few years pass.

I don't know why a man would decide to stay with a woman when he can't even trust her that she won't sleep with her ex con crush that has STD and besides she has a few other men in her life! It might be because he still doesn't know how to take intelligent decisions about his love relationships. I think that you need more than the love feeling and a woman who looks like a Hollywood star in order to be happy in love, but to each his own. If you like gambling your emotional happiness, you're probably with the right person and you'll continue living with lots of uncertainties and stress in your life instead of enjoying a healthy mutual love relationship with a nice decent person who's got some basic principles to guide herself in her love life. Your choice.

[Starnique]

Damn near everyone has herpes - something on the order of 80% of the human race will test positive. Most people's immune system suppresses it and it's never or rarely expressed.

Yep and the Dr. can swab you for that mess and unless you have an outbreak it still will most likely come back negative. I know this girl that has herpes and she has a boyfriend and he doesn't have it as far as I know. They been together for years and he's hitting that raw. Smh...people hardly care about that these days. Trip to the clinic, trip to the pharmacy, back to the hotel. It's nothing cute about that though.

[Starnique]

To answer the question, which is the name of your thread, next time start the relationship right from the beginning and you don't have to worry about advancing.

[smackie9]

I know what her answer will be "I'm not looking for or I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship", then slips off to meet up with crush....

[Maple1714]

OP - the others here are right in their advice. As much as Wakeup might annoy you, she does know what she's talking about most of the time. However, I know that you are in the thick of your feelings right now and you wont give up. You should, but you probably wont until you've been slapped in the face by reality a few times...and yes, it might take a couple years. Like I said, I've been in a similar position before, although not as extreme. I kept making excuses for the other person. His troubled childhood...the look in his eyes...all that shit. Bottom line, it takes a hell of a lot for someone to change their views on love, relationships and most importantly their view of themselves. People rarely have the mental fortitude to take on such change. You will end up right where you are now and heart broken if you continue down this path. You already seem to be consumed by your passion...

[Vandle]

Well Maple, I am actually willing to listen to Wakeup now that the attitude has been dropped. That's all I needed. Smackie9 can still go sleep in a dumpster, but I digress. It probably would be easier to walk away. But she wanted me around, even after a serious falling out, before sex started. She wanted me around. She still does. And I honestly believe she feels more for me than she's willing to admit, and I just want to give her time to realize that, or prove me wrong. THAT'S ALL. If what I see coming happens (her expectations of this fool being a total let-down), and I'm there to support her emotionally, there's a chance, no matter how slim, that things will change. I know, I'm betting 0 on the roulette wheel. But every now and again, it ACTUALLY lands there, and the pay-out is HUGE. Maybe it's a fool's hope, but I've never had my gut agree with my head before. IT DOES THIS TIME. I have to try, even if I expect to fall.

Oh, Wakeup: CALL ME SPORT AGAIN... MAKE MY DAY.

[smackie9]

Carry on then....

[Maple1714]

Well Maple, I am actually willing to listen to Wakeup now that the attitude has been dropped. That's all I needed. Smackie9 can still go sleep in a dumpster, but I digress. It probably would be easier to walk away. But she wanted me around, even after a serious falling out, before sex started. She wanted me around. She still does. And I honestly believe she feels more for me than she's willing to admit, and I just want to give her time to realize that, or prove me wrong. THAT'S ALL. If what I see coming happens (her expectations of this fool being a total let-down), and I'm there to support her emotionally, there's a chance, no matter how slim, that things will change. I know, I'm betting 0 on the roulette wheel. But every now and again, it ACTUALLY lands there, and the pay-out is HUGE. Maybe it's a fool's hope, but I've never had my gut agree with my head before. IT DOES THIS TIME. I have to try, even if I expect to fall.

Oh, Wakeup: CALL ME SPORT AGAIN... MAKE MY DAY.

I hear ya...you will try. You wont give up. We have all been there at some point in our lives...chasing hope. Good luck!! She is lucky to have someone in her life who cares this much about her. Maybe she will realize it, but that doesn't mean she will love you back the way you love her. Ever read Great Expectations?

[Wakeup]

l'll ignore your challenge and just get to the point.
You are not giviing her any motivation to change her polyamorous ways when you accept your current place on her shelf,

Strange why u even bothered to ask anyone for advice when you had no inkling to jump down from that spot.

Your life, your heart. :Shrugs: