in love with my married best freind

[friendsonly]

searock- So by your description of love it would then not be love if it is one sided. Therefore no one would be in love unless its "reciprocal". Like I said before this has not made me feel guilty and miserable or obsessed for 5 years. Its only lately that all of this has come to light. I am a very Happy person. If you could ask any one that knows me they would tell you that I'm one of the happiest people they have ever met. I love interacting with people and making them feel the joy that I get out of life. And several years ago I accepted that my love for Brandi would not be part of that life. It didn't change my feelings for her I just came to accept that it could never be anything more than a feeling. I kept the friendship that we built because she and I were both happy and from what it all feels like our spouses are happy with us too. And that the feeling of love would stay in the background of my life till it either faded away or became nothing more than a blemish like a forgotten picture on a wall that no one ever looks at but has been hanging there forever.
And as far as it working, it has worked for all these years. Not until 3 months ago did all this change. And your right, maybe I've been blind thinking that its been working just fine because it fulfilled my, and in my eyes, the happiness of those around me.

I'm not trying to deny what you are saying searock, and even if I don't agree with your perspective I do realize that a change must be made, whatever that may be. This is not sustainable the way that it is right now, especially after these last three months. Situations like these cloud judgment and logic and make outcomes hard to see clearly. Feelings and emotions tend to guide the path instead of what is right. This is why I posted this. This is why I'm asking for opinions. I don't have the right answer and even if I don't agree with you, yours may be the correct answer if even partially.

My take on love is definitely different from yours(or at least from what yours appears to be). I believe love is a wonderful thing and that I love many people. I believe that if this world had more of it, we would live in a better place. I believe that one can love more than one person the same. I believe that no one is perfect but that we complicate life more than it is by putting titles on everything. I am a happy person and try and make every person I meet feel the same way that I do. I have a zest for life that I truly enjoy. I take every second of my life and think of it as beautiful and precious. I believe we make our own paths and everything we do has an effect. I do NOT believe in destiny or that our lives are already decided for us. I believe that everyone of us can choose how we look at things, and I choose to look at the optimistic side of things but I am also realistic and analytical. If that makes me naïve then so be it. If that makes this situation infatuation then so be it as well.
My love for my wife is neither fake or a lie, I do however know that she deserves everything and I do believe that even though its a small part, I am not giving her everything because a piece of my heart is elsewhere, and that is not fair to her.
My love for my Friend as a friend is also not fake or a lie, I truly value a friendship that we have built and want the best for her and her family. Has there been a line crossed, Yes there has, a long time ago. Should I have done something back then, yes I should have, and I thought I had. All of that does not change the facts now.

I take the responsibility for being in this position. I take the responsibility for making Brandi feel weird weather she does or does not feel the same, for not being there all the way for my wife even if she does not really suspect anything, for making Ron feel like someone he trusted is stepping on his turf. I don't blame anyone but myself.

So I will ask again the same question still stands: what would you do, not what would you have done, but what would you do, considering all that has been said, if you could make the call?

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you chinagirl. Pretty much how I feel.

[smackie9]

Here is my two cents, so we all agree Brani is putting space between you because now that the cat is out of the bag, it's no longer appropriate to have contact with each other, that's a no brainer.

lets look at the bigger picture. Your desire to keep her as a friend. You say she is your reason for happiness. It's time to face the reality, your wife has never really fulfilled you and you have ignored this for 5 years. You have already left your marriage, you are just in limbo. Your wife deserves your honesty, you owe it to her to let her know what is going on.

You are a coward. Don't give me that crap about "I love her, I don't want to hurt her." It's bull shit. You only care about this Brani. You just don't realize how addicted you are to this Brani. Yes you are addicted, because, like anyone who is addicted to drugs,etc you are still willing to risk your marriage and family to keep this "friendship". You ARE in denial. Your marriage is a sham, I feel sorry for your wife, I feel she deserves to know so she can find a man that is true to his love for her.

You are a selfish bastard...you are more concerned for messing things up with Brani, rather than what implications this will have on your wife. This is what this thread is all about right?

Don't worry about Brani, she sees what kind of a man you truly are. You are not someone she wants to associated with anymore.

[woody]

OH man, what a situation.
Friendsonly,
I have read what others are saying and you've much good insights going on here but I can't help but to begin to wonder, begin to start feeling for what your Rachel is going through.
I ask myself, "would I want to know if my husband was totally in love with another woman and I woman I know at that, that we spend time with?"
and it makes my head spin with with possible outcomes.
I would be furiously angry and desperately confused and demand details. I bet my heart would feel like it was going to explode. I would be so very upset...to say the least and imply much more.
BUT, at the end of the day, I would respect your honesty and be wounded by the fact that it took so very long, years, to tell me.
BUT THAT IS ME. Not your Rachel, your present wife. They do say 'ignorance is bliss' for a reason.

I can only say I wish for you and yours the best possible outcome

I know 'Sea' suggested this could be infatuation based and you claim it is not but I do find myself wondering if this is something similar to wanting what you cannot have.
I don 't know.
wish I had more advice.
Is RAchel happy with you?

[searock]

To those who say that infatuation is transient and that it goes away after at most a few months, this is not true. Infatuation can become obsession or limerence and it can last for years if you don't recognize it for what it is. OP is doing this to himself - no one is forcing him to continue to be in this situation. He's acting like an inexperienced 19 year old and is hurting everyone around him, including himself.

[friendsonly]

wow smackie9, started out nice but then a little blunt. Thanks for the honesty though.

first let me say that my wife and I have only been married for 1 year but have been together now for over 4.

So let me tell you a little bit about my wife. She just turned 30, she is amazingly beautiful, she used to be a model when she was younger. She has a degree in marketing and is incredibly smart. She is a very compassionate woman and is also very even tempered like myself. Like most women, she is much more emotional than I am and carries her emotions on her sleeve. She is a great mother and an even better spouse. She is a little messy and sometimes can let things go a little to long.

That's all the basic stuff, now some issues. In the past prior to us being together she suffered from depression and anxiety. She has also been diagnosed with endometriosis and had a back injury when she was younger. She is almost always in at least a moderate amount of pain. She had a relatively severe eating disorder in her teens and is very self-conscious about her body especially after having had a child. Prior to our relationship she was in an emotionally abusive relationship where she was constantly belittled and told how horrible of a person she was(her ex was her collage sweetheart). And yes, she certainly deserves "a man that can truly lover her for her" like you said. And don't get me wrong I'm not patting myself in the back here but I have supported her as much as I have known how to thru all of this, just like a responsible husband should for his loving wife. And no I'm not the hero in this as she still deserves better.

So now that you know my wife let me say I am also the sole bread winner in the family. Though she is more than capable of working she wanted to stay home and take car of our child instead of working, a feat all on its own, and I agreed.

So you say that I should just go ahead and tell her how I feel. That I should not sugar coat this at all. That I should stop being a coward by saying that I love her and let her move on with her life. I would have no problem doing that. If I knew that doing that would make her happy and give her a chance of finding someone else like you said I would do it in an instant. But what I think would happen is not that, what I see is that she would be devastated. It would more than likely trigger her depression again, her self esteem issues from the past would all come back and she would end up in a spiral of at least a few bad years. She would probably end up in some random relationship with the first person who shows her affection and end up in a relationship like she was before we met. Now I could be wrong in all of that but I don't know if that is a risk I'd be willing to let her go thru. I do love her!!

So who here agrees with smackie9, is this what I should do? is this the responsible and not cowardly way to handle this?

- - - Updated - - -

woody-you see my dilemma here.
I do want to comment on one thing that seems to be the focus here and I can see why but for whatever reason that is the least of my concerns:
Most people are focusing on the love that I feel for Brandi. (My fault, as I started this post the way I did.) But I 3 years ago realized that even if that never went away It would make no difference as I would never expect anything to come out of it.

So let me be more clear about what the major issue is here(though I might make this worse). I'm not looking to have Brandi leave her husband, I'm not looking to leave my wife(though again I think she deserves better). I'm trying to see if there is a median where someone in this world had been able to balance all of the issues listed above. I know that is unrealistic, Very unrealistic and idealist.

Do I love my wife, definitely(even if other people disagree). Would I like to keep being friends with Brandi, of course(though this is the least likely thing and the most responsible to stop so far and stopping the friendship alone still doesn't solve all the problems). Would I like to make this an orgy of friends who all love each other at different levels with physical relationships with the spouses and platonic relationships with everyone else and we all live happily ever after and have barbeques on the weekends, I would, but that doesn't even happen in the movies. Again this is unrealistic.

So this get down to one point, what do I want? If I could have it anyway I want and in the process of all of it, everyone would end up happy, what would I do? What would you do?

- - - Updated - - -

searock-you are also correct that I am doing this to myself and no one is forcing me. So again I present the question, if you had to offer a solution, what would it be?

Should I tell my wife my feelings? Should I Leave my job? Should I run away and leave everyone to deal with the fallout? Should I follow an irresponsible feeling and go with that? should I just leave it alone and give it time?

You tell me, all of it Step by Step on what you think I should do.

[chinagirl]

Once you admitted your feelings to Brandi, I don't think you will achieve the balance that you desire to maintain your friendship with her and remain married to Rachel as if nothing has changed. I think that you already know the answer to your question. Although it is possible to love two people at the same time, it's just not possible to have a relationship with both persons even if you want to keep the other one platonic.

As grown up people, again, we have to make sacrifices for the benefit of the ones we love. You need to stop overthinking this and just do what is right for everybody including what is best for your kids. At the end of the day, it is your family that matters most.

[searock]

searock-you are also correct that I am doing this to myself and no one is forcing me. So again I present the question, if you had to offer a solution, what would it be?

Should I tell my wife my feelings? Should I Leave my job? Should I run away and leave everyone to deal with the fallout? Should I follow an irresponsible feeling and go with that? should I just leave it alone and give it time?

You tell me, all of it Step by Step on what you think I should do.

I already told you. Recognize this obsession for what it is, recognize that it is not love, and detach yourself from Brandi. This means no more texting, no more intimate talking (keep conversations strictly related to work stuff), no more one-on-one dates (this includes working out together), no more chatting online, no more phone calls... you get the deal. As for your wife, of course I think you should be honest with her. Tell her you are struggling with these "feelings" for another woman, and - assuming you actually give a sh*t about it - try to figure out what's missing in your marriage for you to feel so unsatisfied as to look for emotional rushes elsewhere. You could see a marriage counselor together. I also advised you speak to an individual counselor to help you get through this obsession.

[fearoflove]

It is such a common case for a man to develop feelings for a woman in the friendship but not the other way around. Having such close opposite sex friendship while in a relationship/marriage is super dangerous and you should have realized it in the beginning. Brandi seems like a flirtatious women who is out there collecting male admirers. lol. And you fell for it. Men are so stupid when it comes to women.

Gain your control back by cutting all contact with her and refocus on your marriage.

[woody]

IF you want everyone to be happy, you have to let this go.
Give yourself a moral and cosmic slap of sorts and embrace what you do have.
Do you know how many men out there would kick ass to have what you have? Do you know how lucky you are?

YOU are a Father, a Husband, a friend. YOu have friends and family that love you no doubt. I'll ask again. Do you know how lucky you are.

and regarding Brandi; this is a female who has spent time with you like a close 'male' friend would. Now I understand we can't choose whom we get along with and it is alright, perfectly natural for a guy and gal to be chums and for their families to get together for BBQ's on weekends, husbands and wives all making happy happy. YAY. HOWEVER, the fact that you and her work together and go to the gym sometimes 3-4 times a week together, lunches, all that. WTF man. You don 't think that's a red F__ing flag (and I apologize for the language but i'm trying to get something across here).

I am a spoken for female. I would NEVER hang out so much with a male friend, be him married or not, no matter how much of a 'bro' he was to me. And if he was married, even more so. You know why? Because I'm not an asshole and I would never want to be a reason for his lady getting concerned or feeling weird about it because yes, If I hung out so much like you and brandi have, I would fully expect my wife to feel weird about it because heck, if the coin was reversed, so would I......(and I would never do that to my husband either)

So I have to wonder about this Brandi's state of mind because most women, would consider that bad form and would not do that to another lady, be her a friend or a stranger, we just don't do that. It is about respecting boundaries and comfort zones. Dealing with others how we wish to be dealt with.

So, long story short, if I were you, I'd go kiss my wife
then I would kiss my son and silently vow to do right by them

and in 6 months time if this feeling still hadn't faded for the brandi, I would accept that this may just be an obsession of sorts (with all the wonderful feelings and longings, how could this not be love, all that) and seek outside anonymous help.

Perspective man.
Its a beautiful thing.
Chalk it up

[goodmorning]

She doesnt want to talk to you because she has a husband and a child and doesnt want to mess that up. You need to do the same. Quit messing with other women. Get some guy friends.

But you were honest with her. Theres something to be said for that.

[friendsonly]

I want to thank everyone so far for their input. I wanted to give everyone an update on things so far.

Since all of this started I have been doing what most have said I should do which is keep contact to a minimum. I have not initiated any conversations or made any attempts to interact with Brandi. Its not going so well. In the last week she has called me 3 times and we have ended up exchanging 196 text messages including a picture of her two children and 2 videos of one of the kids dance recital. None of which I have initiated(But I did respond).

goodmorning- I am the one who is not talking to her as you can see above. I do have tons of guy friend as well, that has nothing to do with this.

woody- once again thank you. In Brandi's defense though this all started long before I was married or even dating and I'm the one who let it get worse. I also do realize how lucky I am and that is why this is such a struggle for me. I have so much to loose either way no matter how it all turns out.

fearoflove - We men are so stupid. When we have something great we open our bigmouths and mess it all up. Our little brains can't comprehend emotions and feelings and we are brut simple creatures that require only food and sex to fulfill our lives. And you are right, Brandi is a flirtatious individual and I'm the Shmuck who fell for it(even though she doesn't feed me or give me sex).

And as many of you have suggested I am seeing a counselor tomorrow morning to try and work some of this out. I'm really having a hard time deciding weather I should bring any of this up with either my wife and/or Brandi.

Thanks again.

[searock]

You don't get it. Do not talk or interact with Brandi anymore, if not for work related stuff.

See a counselor and talk to your wife about your struggles with your marriage. Discuss seeing a marriage counselor together.

[friendsonly]

searock-I don't think I made very clear what I said above. I'm trying not to interact with Brandi as much as possible. Again I didn't initiate any of the stuff above. However, its not just as simple as stopping. Brandi and her husband are not just my friends, My Wife even talked to Brandi in the last week. They were texting each other and talking about the kids. Id Love to say its as simple as your making it out to be. Hence what I said about bringing things up with Brandi and or My Wife. If I talk to Brandi should I just say sorry but I need you out of my life so our conversations can only be work related and our kids can no longer play together? They go to school together and our little girls love each other like sisters. We each have babies as well and we all get together for playdates with all the kids. Every birthday party is planned out by all of us together. Brandi and her husband come over to our house or we go to theirs not because of Brandi or I but because of our spouses and children. We all go out and have dinner regularly. This is much more complex than just a co-worker crush or obsession like you say.

And I am seeking a counselor. Tomorrow like I said above.

[michelle23]

196 messages is not you trying to cut contact. You need to get a new job away from her completely. Fresh start.

[friendsonly]

michelle23- ultimately that is what I think is the only solution. Our jobs are very demanding and require lots of interaction. We do not work in an office environment where we can keep our distance. Either I or her have to constantly get information from each other multiple times per day. The problem is that this is a very good and high paying job and I don't see being able to find another like it for some time or without at least starting from scratch somewhere and working my way up to it. I have been doing this for over 20 years and with the job market as limited as it is in our area it would not be easy on the family as I am the only one working.