I made the biggest mistake of my life

[searock]

Actually.... by withdrawing consent the way she did, it is implied that consent was given initially.

WHAT?? *facepalm*

[HeartIsAching]

I have been with my boyfriend 5 and a half years, for about 3 of these years we have lived together. About a year ago we were having problems in our relationship. I have issues with my anger and have lashed out at times, something I am deeply regretful about and I am currently seeking help for this. At the time I was depressed as I was out of work and my mother is an alcoholic which at the time was effecting me quite badly. My boyfriend and I had had an argument as I was leaving for a night out with friends. He told me he didn't want to be with me and that I was not getting back in the house that night although he knew I didn't have anywhere else to go. I was deeply upset so set out on getting extremely drunk, and I succeeded. Whilst out I bumped into a male friend that both me and my boyfriend know. He invited me back to a house party and with me having nowhere to stop I thought why not and thought I was being asked as a friend. Later in the night when people had left this other guy made advances towards me and before I knew it we were having sex, it all happened so quick and once I realised what was happening I stopped it. I felt like I had been taken advantage of as I was vulnerable and extremely drunk but I would never say it was rape. I told the guy it was wrong as I love my boyfriend deeply, which I do. Now I panicked about this situation and didn't tell my boyfriend as I was scared. Stupid I know. A few days later me and my boyfriend sorted things out and we were getting on brilliantly. Then he found out. At first he was devastated but said he didn't want us to split up as he loved me. We went on holiday and had a great time. Then recently he has become quite nasty telling me he doesn't want to be with me and he has been pursuing other women. I still live with him as I don't have any other option but I do want to be with him more than anything. I have tried so hard to make things right but I don't know what else to do. Should I let him go because I don't deserve him anymore? All advice welcome. Thanks in advance

I hear a lot of minimizing, denying and blaming here.

If you trim away all the self-justification, it boils down to "I had a fight with my boyfriend, I got drunk, I ****ed some other dude". If you're really "seeking some help" with your anger issues, it'll help you with that, but frankly I have my doubts about the veracity of this.

Suggest to your BF that you two get some couples counseling. If he won't go for it, it's no use trying, as it takes both of you being willing to try to work at all.

[masticate]

WHAT?? *facepalm*

Yeah. Read it again. Consent may be withdrawn and if the man complies then it doesn't automatically make it a rape. In order for a "crime" to exist there must be a guilty mind (mens rea) ... if he thought she consented and proceeded with sex, it's not a rape.

The question is whether he had good reason to believe she consented or not... and considering what happened, I'd say he did. It's actually more important in this instance to establish whether he could have reasonably believed she consented than it is to establish whether or not she objectively did.

She WITHDREW consent which MEANS it was PRESENT at some point.

[michelle23]

How can she have cheated if she wasn't even aware of what was happening? She was intoxicated and in no position to consent.

Searock have you ever been drunk? It doesn't turn you into a zombie who doesn't know what they are doing. Ive been drunk so many times in the past 6years that ive been with my bf but ive never f**ked another man or gone home with one.. you cant use drunkness as an excuse to get away with crap and if you do-then dont drink

[dickriculous]

You cant. I dont see it as rape. Sorry girls but you were both drunk. You were angry at your bf. You went home with him and then you didnt say no until it happened. If theres a lesson to learn here-its to stay away from men when your drunk. We all know that if a drunk guy invites you to his place its only for one reason..

Anyway you cheated. Your bf has to make a decision. He can either try to forgive you and try to work on it or dump you. But telling you hes going to get revenge by pursuing other girls is abusive and you shouldnt tolerate that. You need to stand up to him and tell him its all or nothing and its his choice. If he continues to abuse and threaten-walk away coz its already over

I'm a little surprised that only one person has mentioned this so far, it's a pretty blatant offense. This relationship is in shambles every which way on both ends from what I can gather.

Sorry OP but I don't think the two of you have much of a chance.

[CrasherRob8]

Wow, I can't believe I see almost everyone throwing the rape allegation around like it's nothing. Just because she is drunk DOES NOT automatically mean it is rape. If she is so drunk that she cannot care for herself, black out drunk, or is forced to drink then that is considered rape.

Do I think she was taken advantage of by the guy? Most likely since I'm willing to bet that the guy saw she had been drinking and took a chance since alcohol relaxes your inhibitions.

[searock]

Searock have you ever been drunk? It doesn't turn you into a zombie who doesn't know what they are doing. Ive been drunk so many times in the past 6years that ive been with my bf but ive never f**ked another man or gone home with one.. you cant use drunkness as an excuse to get away with crap and if you do-then dont drink

Yeah I have been drunk to the point of totally losing awareness of my actions and waking up from that stupor and finding myself sitting with my legs open and skirt pulled up, nauseated and semi-paralyzed, in a room full of strangers I didn't know, while my friends were downstairs looking for me. Thankfully nothing happened, but I sure know it could have. I never got that drunk again.

I'm assuming this is what OP means by "severely drunk". If she means "very tipsy", then yeah I get what you mean and I agree that it wasn't rape.

[KingZ]

Yeah I have been drunk to the point of totally losing awareness of my actions and waking up from that stupor and finding myself sitting with my legs open and skirt pulled up, nauseated and semi-paralyzed, in a room full of strangers I didn't know, while my friends were downstairs looking for me.

I'm judging the shit out of you right now.

[searock]

I know, right? Such a slut!

[michelle23]

Yeah I have been drunk to the point of totally losing awareness of my actions and waking up from that stupor and finding myself sitting with my legs open and skirt pulled up, nauseated and semi-paralyzed, in a room full of strangers I didn't know, while my friends were downstairs looking for me. Thankfully nothing happened, but I sure know it could have. I never got that drunk again.

I'm assuming this is what OP means by "severely drunk". If she means "very tipsy", then yeah I get what you mean and I agree that it wasn't rape.

But your assuming based on a bad experience YOU had. Rape is a v serious allegation. It can destroy a man. You have to be sure before you throw s**t like that around. They were both drunk but she can remember everything that happened-she agreed to go home with him-she didn't say no to his advances and when she asked him to stop-he did. Thats not rape

Ya he prob is an asshole but that doesnt make him a rapist

And going back to our other debate: you just had a 7page debate saying that casual sex isn't immoral and then you defend a cheater and accuse a guy of rape..

[searock]

If she wasn't drunk to the point of losing awareness of her actions and surroundings, and if she never lost control over her actions, then yeah, she cheated (which is wrong, of course) and it wasn't rape. I genuinely thought she meant that she was VERY drunk, to the point of not being aware.

[michelle23]

Even if she was-some people black out when they are drunk but still seem competent. I cant remember 5hours of last weekend but I was dancing on the table in my parents kitchen.. and I look soberish in the pictures.. unless shes passed out or falling all over the place-getting sick etc there is no way he can tell how drunk she actually is.. which is one reason I am against casual sex in the first place

[searock]

Even if she was-some people black out when they are drunk but still seem competent. I cant remember 5hours of last weekend but I was dancing on the table in my parents kitchen.. and I look soberish in the pictures..

Lol this reminds me of one time at a birthday party of one of my girl friends, I was so drunk I literally lost all memory of what happened and I just saw the photos the next day and I was gorging on birthday cake, laughing my ass off and having a grand time XD... I was surrounded by friends as it was a private party at my girl friend's house so I was completely safe, so all in all I still laugh thinking about it.

unless shes passed out or falling all over the place-getting sick etc there is no way he can tell how drunk she actually is..

Which would make his intentions good, but his actions wrong... just playing here . When there is alcohol involved, it's always best to avoid casual sex.

[michelle23]

Haha its actually amazing the energy I have when im drunk. I couldnt dance like that sober if I tried without falling on my ass