Is this toxic?

[basilandthyme]

I'm now curious as to the reason you didn't tell us the truth about this relationship when you first asked for advice

[Roses919191]

I'm now curious as to the reason you didn't tell us the truth about this relationship when you first asked for advice

So... I never felt we had great emotional chemistry, from the very beginning. Thought it was odd that he didn't care to really get to know me, ask any questions. Thought he seemed very closed off himself too. It was around the 9-month mark that I said "I love you," he said he "needed more time." But he hadn't said anything else emotional or positive about the relationship either unless I "prompted" it. He always seemed to just coast. And everything I said in first paragraph was true right from beginning.

So I started posting at 1-year mark wondering if we'd ever get engaged bc I had no clue how serious he could actually be, based on all that info. When I brought up this to HIM after over a year, and he said he loved me for first time and wants to marry me "eventually," but then immediately tried to sneak out w that single girl & continued to flirt with her for a while after... That's when I started getting suspicious. Last night my BF's take on that was "that should've told you it wasn't real love. Why did you stay?"

[Wakeup]

Do you actually know English or are you doing google translate to try and get your point across in English?

[Nicolelong]

Roses- you're getting some great insight here. If you never felt like you had emotional chemistry with him, why DID you stay? The way you describe your relationship almost sounds like a business arrangement with some sex thrown in.

I don't know how you were fantasizing about getting engaged when it's so painfully obvious that he doesn't love you or have any real interest in the relationship. You don't even sound like you're FRIENDS with him, let alone on the road to marriage. There's no warmth, no caring, there's nothing even positive you've said about him other than his career.

You should listen to your friend- it's not real love at all! He treats you like a placeholder until he finds someone else that suits him better. Wise up girl! The longer you stay, the worse you will feel.

[Roses919191]

I was fantasizing about getting engaged because whenever I brought it up he told me we'd get married "eventually" and he'd "let me know when he was ready." Just became hard to trust him when he didn't seem all that interested in me, and when after the FIRST time he said this stuff, he immediately tried to sneak out to bar w another girl behind my baxk

[basilandthyme]

I was fantasizing about getting engaged because whenever I brought it up he told me we'd get married "eventually" and he'd "let me know when he was ready."

His words are nothing more than lip service - designed to buy your silence for a bit.

But what I don't understand is why you'd fantasize about marrying a man who doesn't love you or care for you? Is a career match so important to you that you'd marry someone who doesn't care about you?

Or perhaps you are just obsessed with the idea of marriage rather than the actual life it would bring. Is it all about the "princess for a day" thing?

[Roses919191]

His words are nothing more than lip service - designed to buy your silence for a bit.

But what I don't understand is why you'd fantasize about marrying a man who doesn't love you or care for you? Is a career match so important to you that you'd marry someone who doesn't care about you?

Or perhaps you are just obsessed with the idea of marriage rather than the actual life it would bring. Is it all about the "princess for a day" thing?

No to the last paragraph- I left an abusive ex fiancée because I finally realized I deserved better even if he did put a ring on it. Though it took me some time and urging from family and friends- hence my ex BF calling me weak and pathetic that I "let someone beat the sh** out of you- and you're lucky I have more self control or I would've dove it too bc that's what you deserve."

The second part. Yes I was consciously aware I was accepting way less than what I wanted on account of his job title

[Roses919191]

Should I have just let it go? When he finally told me he loved me after a year and said he wanted to marry me, then immediately texted another girl and tried to meet up w her at a bar at midnight, then kept flirting w her for a while? And deleted her texts/saved them under a guys name... And he'd done the same thing once before when he delayed our date night to meet up w a single girl friend who asked him to come get a drink at work event and texted "was hoping you'd take me home after ". I was bothered then that he lied and said he'd come right from work, and that he deleted the texts - he felt they were something to hide?
Should I just have let those incidents go and trust him? It was just hard when he was never sweet or. Loving, never said anything nice about me or future on his own

[basilandthyme]

Unless you change the criteria you use for finding a good man, there's no point ending it with this man. You've currently got what you want: a man with the same qualifications as you who doesn't care about you. If you end it without changing your expectations, your next relationship will be the same as this.

Now, about this business of you finding it tough when he doesn't love you or care about you. You sought a man who acts this way, so don't complain when he is this way. This is all your own doing.

[Mindfun]

my theory is Rose is from India or similar and affected by the caste system there.that is why she thinks like she does .
she has a horrible attitude about that and a horrible relationship

[Wakeup]

my theory is Rose is from India or similar and affected by the caste system there.that is why she thinks like she does .
she has a horrible attitude about that and a horrible relationship

I was thinking the same thing, actually.

[Roses919191]

False, I've just always put a lot of my self esteem into my job and thinking I'm "special"

[basilandthyme]

False, I've just always put a lot of my self esteem into my job and thinking I'm "special"

Who suggested that you have low self esteem? All I can see is that you're making very poor choices.

[Roses919191]

I don't know how I ruined it and made him care so little about me. I just hated how after a year he couldn't say I love you or have any sort of convo about the future- and immediately after finally saying I love you back, he started flirting, trying to sneak out with that other girl behind my back. I know I bugged him to talk about the future and how serious he was and seemed insecure, but I feel like a guy who does that, and also never spends much time or effort or tells you much of anything positive, and makes up reasons you can't meet or talk to his family , and declares "work is my priority not you, so get that in your head," is always gonna leave the girl feeling insecure

[dontaskme]

I agree that your self esteem is low. If you are smart and holds a higher position as you claim, why do you need a man with similar job title to validate your happiness? Are you doing this to impress your family and friends? Or to prove that you aren't a failure when it comes to relationship?