Friendship element of a romantic relationship?

[Mish]

Hi Ellynn

I understand and completely agree with you It just, kinda makes you feel a little for all the guys out there who suddenly find themselves rejected and ignored for no real reason except for and accident such as experienced by Skavenlord here (Because now the lady partner suddenly feels scared to be with you or even talk to you - you have suddenly become the plague). So this whole sex thing turns into a kind of a trip wire I think "You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't". Damned if you don't because if you don't you suddenly find yourself described as not very affectionate and you find your partner looking for it somewhere else.

[Ellynn]

Yeah I see your point..... I have never just ignored a guy because of a pregnancy scare....and the only time I had one of those was when I wasn't with the guy.....but was just kinda friends with benefits....so ignoring him wasnt a problem. I just ended the arrangement. But if I were in a relationship I would let him know how scary it is and to just make sure precautions are taken so something like this won't happen again....

Seeing as this girl is in a relationship with him....she should at least talk to him and tell him whats going thru her head. SHes just clamming up and ignoring him. But also it doesn't sound like they have been together long at all.....and hes all talking marriage....where she sounds like she has alot of plans and stuff she wants to do before she even thinks about marriage.

They aren't on the same page....and I think since the newness is wearing off....they are beginning to see this.. I think she noticed it before he did......and now shes reacting to it.

Not saying shes going about it the right way......

[whaywardj]

All that's happened is the blush has faded. Nothing more. A finger of reality pulled back the illusions of romance you were each enjoying and peeked in on you, asking, "Does this train stop at 42nd Street?" Now you each have to decide for yourselves whether it does or doesn't...and when. In long-term relationships, those kinds of decisions are made over and over again, everyday. Everyday, you DECIDE whether or not to go with someone, however they -- and you -- do or don't change. Maybe not always consciously. To instinctively smile when you see someone is a decision to see them again. To become uncomfortable in their company is a decision to not see them again. Little decisions like those accumulate and give their weight to one kind of conclusion, or another. It's not about time. It's about moments.

[Mish]

Hi whaywardj

I agree with you as well. But i did notice that these pregnancy scares escalate the negative very considerably and very quickly. I have seen some very nasty 180 degree turns. Like yesterday the couple is over the moon, today its nothing. "What happened?" You see the guy standing out there scratching his head wandering where he went wrong... I agree all the other factors as well play a considerable role such as spending too much time together or smuthering, but no matter what the situation is this particular issue can be a very nasty relationship killer.

The worst part about all these is that these kind of situations leave a very lasting impression and some guys who go through them learn very quickly on how to treat women in general in a negative way (I think situations like this deal a serious blow to trust).

I wander is there an andidote to this? Does anyone know of the cure?

[whaywardj]

Well put, Mishanya. The only antidote I can think of to guys that exploit women so is to leave them the **** alone so that particular genetic strain eventually dies out altogether.

[Skavenlord]

There are other factors going on besides the pregnancy thing. The most prevalent of them being the fact that she's going to college on a scholarship, and she's failing one of her classes right now. I didn't know that until today. So that's been a large part of it, I think. She also plans on studying abroad in France in a year, and she didn't want to think about what would happen when we'd have to split up eventually, so the whole "future plans talk" (which she was all for in the beginning, of course) is looking less and less realistic to her.

I tried a different approach today that seemed to work. We usually get together on Tuesdays and Thursdays to have lunch together. Well, she was in her usual mood as of late, and I just smiled a lot and tried to be as upbeat as possible. I figured, with all of the other shit going on in her life, I want her to forget all of those problems when we're together. It seemed to work pretty well...she was laughing and smiling a lot. Even got a couple of hugs and kisses along the way. We're going to a concert together on Saturday as well.

But women are unpredictable...who knows what she'll feel like tomorrow?

Just kidding, ladies. ;-)

[Junsui]

Sounds like you've got it all figured out, good luck to you and her!

[Ellynn]

Yeah school can be a bummer.. She needs her space so she can excel in it.

[misombra]

she wants to have a good life for herself. she doesn't want to settle down yet. good for her.

[Skavenlord]

We came pretty close to breaking up last night.

We sat down and talked, and she told me that she's afraid to be intimate now, after this last pregnancy scare. She told me that with all of the other million stressful things going on in her life right now, that's one less thing she'd have to worry about if she wasn't in a relationship. We went over things for a couple of hours, and she went on to say that she felt bad about not being able to give me as much time as she felt should be given in a relationship, which was making things even more stressful for her.

Finally, I told her that I loved her enough to let her go if she felt that her life would be better without me in it. I truly want what's best for her, and if that means letting me go, then so be it. It's the hardest thing I think I've ever said.

After we had this talk, we laid down on her bed together and she clung to me for a good half an hour. Then things lightened up and we decided to go out and try to have fun, to forget about all of these problems, for at least a little while. It worked, and we had a good time; she even held my hand and looked at me the way she did before all of this other crap happened.

She's not sure what she wants to do yet. But I'm afraid she will let me go...I don't want that to happen, but I'll accept it if it's the decision she makes.

I don't think anybody can help me at this point, but I might be wrong. Anybody have any advice?

[blackiesharley]

Grr, okay:

This sounds, to me, normal of any relationship where the couple spends too much time together - you get sick of each other. It just happened to happen to her first.

You have only one real option here, and listen to me closely if you're serious about your only sure way to NOT lose her. You have to give her space. Now, I said this is your only sure way to NOT lose her, as in - if you do the alternative, which is to still contact her all the time and act like you normally do, she'll snap and you'll probably lose her forever. But if you just back off and give her space, you can do a couple of things: A.) Show her you respect/care for her so much that you put her needs (space) over your wants (her)... B.) Give her a chance to miss you, something that can't happen if you're calling her everyday and always there... C.) Finding yourself a life outside your g/f so you can be better prepared to move on, if, and this is possible, she doesn't come back to you. If that happens it happens man, there's NOTHING you can say or do to prevent it, there are no magical words that will change how she thinks, the best you can do is give her space and time away from you.

I think most people here that have the same experience as me will agree, that your best bet here is to give her space.

I couldn't agree more. I'm going through the same shit right now myself and SPACE is the only possible answer, as hard as it is.

Do I miss the phone ringing? Hell yes. Does SHE miss HER phone ringing? I'll bet yes. It's only been a few days but it has to be this way.

Give her space. Let her miss you. Let her worry. A game? Sadly yes but like the song says "You don't know what you've got till it's gone.'

S*P*A*C*E !

[Junsui]

What? I agree with having some space, but not so it hurts both of you. You should be enjoying your time and doing things you would normally do before you were with the other person. I don't understand wanting to play games.

[Skavenlord]

We broke up tonight. It was a mutual thing, but we're going to start all over again and work on building a strong friendship.

It's a bittersweet feeling...on one hand, I feel like a weight has been lifted, while on another, I know I'm going to miss being with her so intimately.

Such is life.

[clynn]

good for you. keep us posted. a strong friendship is invaluable. I think you're very lucky.

[Rosebud]

I totally agree with everyone's coments on here. By her saying she wants to keep things the way they are and just have fun together I think the whole pregnancy scare really freaked her out. It's obvious she has a lot of future plans and goals that she's determined to meet and I think with all that happening it made her realize that all that stuff could have been taken away from her. And since you guys have only been together for just 3 months that added to it all. I agree with tone that you need to give her some space on this one. There is no time factor on it you should just plan things with other people and go about your way so that you'll be prepared for anything that may come. And while she could have been talking about marriage before all this happened, I think she got a taste of reality and realized how she truly feels about all that stuff right now.

So like tone said, give her some space, and let her make the shots by calling you and talkign to you about this stuff because if you push this, it's very likely you'll lose her altogether.