What is she doing?

**poweredbuyer** · 30-09-05, 10:19 AM

Mishanya,

Thanks so much for that advice. She is really trying hard to detach and maybe has someone else but doesn't feel secure enough yet. I was polite when she phoned last (she called about a cell phone bill I owe) and asked her "why she told my sister she wants to be with me" ... She said "I did but you wont belive it right" ... I said "Well it means exclusive to anyone else no other people for both of us" ... Just as I thought we were making progress she gets defensive with this guard and acts all rude. Once she dangles that carrot and I take a nibble she blows me down. Power Struggle? ... I find it sick that she can't be mature and say "I loved you but I need something different and so do you... Good Luck". I did however ask her that question Mishanya...

I asked 1. We make it work or 2. We cut eachother off

She vowed for number 2. Cut eachother off ... but then calls me back and says "Good Luck and I wish you well ... When are you leaving ... What date?" ... my reply "Why what difference does it make?" she just wanted to know and I said doesn't matter. But then she calls my sister to go work out to probe further.

She makes it seems she is so mature when speaking to everyone but destroys me mentally acts like a teenager ... She has to know I am still there for some sick twisted reason. She knows I am dating someone else and into them (but not in love yet) and it doesn't bother her ... she will make the occasional sarcastic remark. My grief is from why did it end this way and is this a sick game for her? ... Is this intentional ..or is she confused about what she wants... i tried to pull back but it angers her when i do ... what should I do now?

**Mish** · 30-09-05, 11:12 AM

You welcome poweredbuyer

Yes, wouldn't we like to know all the answers. I'll give some advice, just as long as you take it as my personal opinion, which is not perfect and maybe wrong. I'll go with the most basic one.

"why did it end this way"

Here is a list of potential reasons:

1. You were over protective and restrictive way too much (A big turn off for women that makes them want to run away)
2. You took her for granted
3. Her family who does not like you had some influence in her decision
4. She decided you have too many faults for compatibillity and you can not be changed and you can not improve.
5. She did not have a lot of experience with other people (After 5 years in a relationship that started at 19 she may have decided she wanted something different)

These are just some random, potential reasons i picked up from your post (There could be more). So don't think that her leaving you is all that bizarre. They sometimes leave even with no real reason...

Now, if you already spoke to her and she picked #2 then she has to understand what #2 means. Maybe you need to talk to her face to face to clarify that #2 means that you say farewell and both of you become invisible to each other. There can be no more calls, messages, emails etc... And if she does continue to comunicate you will simply ignore her. You can slip a question through here asking her if she is ready for that? If she isn't ready then she will have to pick #1. If she is not ready to go to #1 then you will have to stick with #2 until she is ready (You also will let her know here that the sticking time is not permanent and will eventually run out). Once again, my opinion but is probably the best way to deal with the situation.

I think there is an option #3 as well where both you and her can be friends, but in order to pursue that option both you and her have to be completely over each other to be able to pursue a friendship while dating other people.

Also, i think when you speak to her face to face it is a good opportunity for you to apologize for your wrongs (Which you did do) and to thank her for 5 years of relationship and good times which obviously meant a lot to you...

Anyways, hope above helps!

**Only-virgins** · 30-09-05, 02:47 PM

People make things way to complicated. If you love each other then shut the **** up and be with each other...if you dont then still shut the **** up and DONT be with each other. Freaking! Simple! Concept!.

**Mish** · 30-09-05, 03:16 PM

I agree OV. Spoken like a true Philosopher

Now what happnes if one loves the other and the other one does not? Or one is not sure about loving the other and the other loves one but has been hurt too many times to love again? I think around this mark the simple concept starts to get complicated

**poweredbuyer** · 30-09-05, 10:16 PM

I agree Mihanya. Ya see she tells me "Lets cut eachother off" but gives my family and everyone the impression she is being mature and still wants that connection. She called my sister on Monday to "Go to the gym and work out" but calls me in selfish acts because I owe money on a phone bill. She just wants to fish whether I am still into her and she has an effect on me. Then after all that ... she throws it away ... I often question if she loved me that she could do this? .... I have never and would never do this to her and wonder if this is intentional on her part like some game enjoyed by her friends? .... Since we agreed to cut off lets see what happens. She does not have my new cell # and hopefully will not call my home or my sister ...

If she does I told my sister to tell her politely ... "Enough is Enough with the games leave him and my family alone" ... she is being extremely selfish its only about HER HER HER .... she couldn't give a crap about me ... was she ever in love with me? ... does she still care?

**Junsui** · 30-09-05, 10:25 PM

Who knows? Some people's idea of what love is can be really distorted. You've done your part and stopped interacting with her and told your family to do the same. Stop worrying about her and if she ever loved you.

Just remember your mistakes from this relationship and try not to repeat them in your next.

**poweredbuyer** · 01-10-05, 01:27 AM

I agree but its funny how people become so selfish and worry about themselves. Why she still clings onto me with other men in her life. to know she has dominance and power? ... she is f-ed up and I need to kick her out of my mind and live life ...

Any suggestions ... does she sound confused or really know what she is doing I just wanna know if its intentional "getting played"...

**Junsui** · 01-10-05, 01:33 AM

I would have no clue what's actually going on in her head without talking to her. We can all be selfish at times, maybe she's having a hard time moving on? Maybe she knows she shouldn't be with you, but is drawn back for whatever messed up reason it is? What is it you are wanting to hear so that it will make you feel better about the situation? You're done with her, so I wouldn't worry about how messed up she might be or what intentions she had.

**poweredbuyer** · 01-10-05, 05:57 AM

Thank you all for the response. I agree this is a hard break up because we were more like a married couple as opposed to just dating. Well I am not completely over her and will always love her ... it hurts I suppose that she doesn't love me or is willing to fess up and say it straight or unless I am perhaps in denial. She did say "I need someone who will have a life outside me and not be controlling, but I also want someone who loved me as much as you". That I thought was pretty straight forward that she is looking hard and obviously isn't content with what she has at the moment at least.

What bothers me is calling me excuses to figure out what I am going through and the games towards the end the power struggle essentially. She doesn't want me to let go and wants to know she has an impact on me. All she does is tell me "I had to let you go to be a better person and I knew that once you did you wouldn't want me but another girl". Thats pathetic ... She blames me repeatidly but doesn't have it in her to say "I am leaving cause this relationship wasn't healthy". Yes I am dating someone else and having sex but it doesn't feel right. I constantly compare this other girl to her and I don't know why... the new one is far more attractive and much better personality. But on the bright side I dropped the control and learn't that I need space and so does she. I think I learned from this relationship but it would be nice to have a second chance I suppose.

She did mention we should cut each other off so we will leave it at that ... who knows whether she will stick to it or not ... I think the calls will start again after a few weeks or a month ... If so I am not sure how to act polite / distant? .. She did mention "I guess we will always wonder what it would have been like if we were together". She is letting go and says she has ... hopefully she does well ... I just want to know she wants happiness for me ...

**poweredbuyer** · 03-10-05, 12:46 AM

Mishanya,

Any more insight perhaps to this?
Or anyone

**whaywardj** · 03-10-05, 01:13 AM

Yes. Pay the phone bill.

**poweredbuyer** · 03-10-05, 07:54 AM

Why should I pay it ... maybe I should be selfish and tell her to deal with it.

**whaywardj** · 03-10-05, 08:39 AM

Didn't think you really intended to. They (her and her family), probably, gleaned the same.

**Only-virgins** · 03-10-05, 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by Mishanya

Now what happnes if one loves the other and the other one does not? Or one is not sure about loving the other and the other loves one but has been hurt too many times to love again? I think around this mark the simple concept starts to get complicated

It doesnt because love from only one perspective does not happen. When the chemical in the brain is released for infatuation(love) it is stimulated in both humans that feel it for each other. If you dis-agree I think it might be because you have some different(goofy) idea of what love is like some emotional spending time crap...and if so dont bother because I am open minded but not stupid.

**poweredbuyer** · 03-10-05, 09:27 PM

Was her call really about the frickin phone bill or an excuse? ... All she does is worry about herself ... what a biatch ...

Thread: What is she doing?

Thread Tools

Still Confused

Posting Permissions