What is "love", really?

[pcmaster]

You have to arrange things into shelfs in your head to see things positive again. You became depressed there for a moment and didnt believed in your future after funding out about cancer. But now you see that its not the end.
I saw another guy on FB who had cancer diagnosis too late to hope for long happy life. He had left only months to live.
This is not your case. You have years. Probably healtiest years of your life since people ussualy live super healthy in your situation. Besides you can beat the cancer like many do. As I understand you have found out about it so early that you have real chance to get well.

[CleanCut]

You have to arrange things into shelfs in your head to see things positive again. You became depressed there for a moment and didnt believed in your future after funding out about cancer. But now you see that its not the end.
I saw another guy on FB who had cancer diagnosis too late to hope for long happy life. He had left only months to live.
This is not your case. You have years. Probably healtiest years of your life since people ussualy live super healthy in your situation. Besides you can beat the cancer like many do. As I understand you have found out about it so early that you have real chance to get well.

Yea I'm working on that and being able to talk about it with folks on this site has been helping make me feel better a lot especially since I don't have anyone I talk to on a daily basis since I live alone and also work from home at the moment.

My tumor/cancer type is treatable, but isn't curable as of yet, but who knows; maybe I'll live long enough for technology advances to find a way of curing it. Yea, at least I do have some sizable amount of time left, unlike a lot of other even less fortunate folks with more severe cases. There is one mid 50s lady I see often at the cancer center that started off with breast cancer then it spread through her blood and into several organs including her brain recently that has about 6 months left if she is lucky, so I guess it could be a lot worse I suppose.

Thanks

[pcmaster]

It sure hurts to break up even in short term relationship. I been there too. But I been thinking about those who been living together for years and had this love that matured over these years. Been imagining it must be painful to break up after that. Okay when you are in short relationship you can count on hand or two hands how many times you had sex. But over the years theres countless times. That really must get deep in the heart. Especially if person is Scorpio cause that sign loves the hardest.

Anyway man. Maybe with this bad luck you paid for your good luck in future.
Remember a pirates words before death - I rather live short but merely life.

[lovebroken]

I think what love means is very individual to those feeling it because every one thinks and feels differently about most things in life. I feel love is the desire to not ever be without that person in your life, thinking of a life without them, saddens you. They are a valuable part of your life and without them your life feels incomplete.

[TheEvilJester]

They are making advances in the medical world all the time. I sincerely hope that they are able to find a cure for your particular condition very soon. I would wish for you to live to see that day.... so you can live to see many more thereafter.

If nothing else, though, just focus as best you can on spending the days you do have as happy as you possibly can. Believe me, again, I of all people know how hard that can be to actually put into practice. But, it is definitely a pursuit worth making. I definitely understand what you mean about being able to feel happy on your own..... but feeling like you are even happier when in a relationship.

I can relate to that feeling. Hopefully you don't misunderstand my advice to mean I am implying you should just learn to be happy without. That is not my intended message at all. Mainly, I mean that it is best, if you can, to find happiness within yourself.... and yet still want to find love. A lot of times people seem to imply that you need you just find happiness without needing love. I can definitely understand and agree with what I believe is their intended message.... but I was never myself a fan of the implication that you shouldn't be upset to be alone.

We, as human beings, generally have this fundamental need for love. For companionship. For a partner in life. It's not like it is something you can just turn off voluntarily. Believe me, if you could I would have a LONG time ago. So, I can relate to that feeling like something is missing. Like, even at your happiest, without somebody special to share it with it still just feels like it isn't full. If you CAN find that sense of fullness without a relationship, then that is GREAT. Many people cannot. That doesn't mean they can't be happy without.... you can be happy and yet still feel something in your life is missing.

Blah blah blah.... What the Hell am I even going on and on about? LOL! Anyway.... I think the point of all that is that my greatest wish for you, in this regard anyway, would be for you to find happiness in and of yourself and not NEED love to be happy.... but to wind up finding love anyway. Good luck, friend.

[richiro]

the thign about love and feelings are - its very personal, specific. Love is different from "relationsihp".
for instance.. you are saying that you LOVE that girl or thought it was love, "but since she didn't love you back it wasn't love?" no.. that's incorrect.

what is correct is that you were IN LOVE with her. she was NOT in love with you. therefore there is no relationship. LOVE and RELATIONSHIP are separate beasts altogether.

LOVING somebody and being IN LOVE are also very separate concepts. I can be IN LOVE with Alicia silverstone but i dont' LOVE her b/c i dont' know anything about her and don't know that we are compatible b/c we've never met.

being IN LOVE is about what we want and feel.
LOVING somebody is about what we give to another human being.

so we have to first differentiate all thse terms instead of lumping them all together.

you were IN LOVE with her (but did not love her).
she was NOT in love with you.
Therefore there is no relationship here.

[CleanCut]

Hmm, guess the issue is then that I don't know how to make women love me. Maybe I'm just not attractive enough or interesting enough to be loved or something. Who knows?... I certainly don't.

[TheEvilJester]

If you ever figure that out (why women don't seem to love you), let me know. I'll do the same... though I doubt I ever will. As far as how to make them love you.... that's just it. You can't really MAKE anybody love you. Nobody can. So, honestly, don't focus so much on what you should do to make somebody love you and instead just focus on trying to be the best you. That is exactly what will help you to find somebody who will love you.

I mean, that isn't to say it is a bad idea to evaluate your dating history and determine if maybe there are some things you could do better. Maybe there are ways you contributed to your attempts at a relationship not working out, maybe you've just been unfortunate enough to pick a lot of the wrong people. It never hurts to take a good look at yourself and do some self-improvement..... but if you do that, do it FOR you, not because you think it is required for somebody to love you.

There is a saying that I don't 100% agree with, but I do in a case like this. "If you can't take me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best." I don't ALWAYS agree with that because I think A-holes use that as their excuse to think it is okay for them to be an A-hole and people should just accept it. However, I think in a case like yours it really does apply. Those people obviously didn't deserve you anyway. Again, that doesn't mean you can't work on some self-improvement if you want. I always encourage that. I'm just saying, don't get down on yourself like there is something wrong with you. Like you are unattractive or uninteresting or something like that.

There is somebody out there who will find you very attractive and very interesting. You just have to find her. Both of those things are very subjective. What is unattractive to some people may be the epitome of attractive to somebody else. What is boring to some may be enthralling to others. I can't say I know you personally, but from what I've seen of you here, you seem a decent enough fellow. You seem a relatively good dude who has just been dealt a bad hand. That doesn't have to be your lot in life.

Good luck to you.

[Hooo!]

what you think love is is the equivalent of having a crush on someone.
you love them. Poets describe it as "longing" "sexual tension" "Butterflies in the stomach"
its like loving a good computer game. You are loving it for a year or two or three. Even if its shit or frustrating or your no good at it.

And then there is the fairy tale love. Its when two people have a crush on each other instantly developed.


and then there is deep connecting love.
And here it gets very difficult to explain.
Maybe you have read the harry potter series. Snape loves lilly. Harry loves his friends (and has a crush on ginny).
The deep love is a basic need for the other person. Its a need for them to be happy.
I once described it as a "burning in the soul" and felt pretty dumb and wise at the same time afterwards (thats a strange feeling^^)
The deep connecting love is not a feeling that is as noticeable as having a crush on someone. For me it was burried beneath a many of feelings (boredome, the fading out of having a crush, my own insecurity)
but once you have got it you just want the world to be at peace for the once you love.
Its less noticeable, but even trying to describing it (and desperatly trying not to (and failing at it) make a fool out of myself) it feels so strong and real.
Its like when you walk on a cloudy day and you look at the ground and after a while you realise that the sun has indeed been shining upon you and you realise how vital that has been. It like that - just from the inside.

im not sure if that even makes sense to you or to anyone else

- - - Updated - - -

the thign about love and feelings are - its very personal, specific. Love is different from "relationsihp".
for instance.. you are saying that you LOVE that girl or thought it was love, "but since she didn't love you back it wasn't love?" no.. that's incorrect.

what is correct is that you were IN LOVE with her. she was NOT in love with you. therefore there is no relationship. LOVE and RELATIONSHIP are separate beasts altogether.

LOVING somebody and being IN LOVE are also very separate concepts. I can be IN LOVE with Alicia silverstone but i dont' LOVE her b/c i dont' know anything about her and don't know that we are compatible b/c we've never met.

being IN LOVE is about what we want and feel.
LOVING somebody is about what we give to another human being.

so we have to first differentiate all thse terms instead of lumping them all together.

you were IN LOVE with her (but did not love her).
she was NOT in love with you.
Therefore there is no relationship here.

haha nice
thats actually a good way to put it
being IN LOVE would be my equivalent as to having a crush on someone
and LOVING is not about you (solely) anymore
its about them

[TheEvilJester]

You know, I think also a good way to describe the difference is that having a crush is like thinking you love the person. You think they could be a great match for you... you think you two could really have something great... you think there is a lot about them that makes them really swell.... but you aren't in a relationship yet. You don't know them that well yet. So, you THINK they could be a great match for you.... but you don't really know. For all you know, everything you like about them could be a lie, a facade, a false face they put on to make them seem a good person. You don't know because you don't know them well enough. In a sense, you love the IDEA of who and what you think they MAY be... but you don't know how accurate that idea of them is, if even at all.

Love is when you actually DO know them well enough. When maybe they DO live up to what you thought you saw in them, maybe they don't, or maybe it falls somewhere in between..... but you still love them anyway. You want them in your life. You love them both in spite of and because of their flaws, but also because of all their strengths. You love them, as the saying goes, warts and all. Love is when the "honeymoon phase" has ended... but you still can't see being without them. It's no longer exciting and new.... but you realize that is okay. That is maybe even better, in fact, because even with the excitement and newness of it gone you still want to be with each other.

Again... It really is a hard thing to describe. It's not the same for everybody.

[CleanCut]

what you think love is is the equivalent of having a crush on someone.
you love them. Poets describe it as "longing" "sexual tension" "Butterflies in the stomach"
its like loving a good computer game. You are loving it for a year or two or three. Even if its shit or frustrating or your no good at it.

And then there is the fairy tale love. Its when two people have a crush on each other instantly developed.


and then there is deep connecting love.
And here it gets very difficult to explain.
Maybe you have read the harry potter series. Snape loves lilly. Harry loves his friends (and has a crush on ginny).
The deep love is a basic need for the other person. Its a need for them to be happy.
I once described it as a "burning in the soul" and felt pretty dumb and wise at the same time afterwards (thats a strange feeling^^)
The deep connecting love is not a feeling that is as noticeable as having a crush on someone. For me it was burried beneath a many of feelings (boredome, the fading out of having a crush, my own insecurity)
but once you have got it you just want the world to be at peace for the once you love.
Its less noticeable, but even trying to describing it (and desperatly trying not to (and failing at it) make a fool out of myself) it feels so strong and real.
Its like when you walk on a cloudy day and you look at the ground and after a while you realise that the sun has indeed been shining upon you and you realise how vital that has been. It like that - just from the inside.

im not sure if that even makes sense to you or to anyone else

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haha nice
thats actually a good way to put it
being IN LOVE would be my equivalent as to having a crush on someone
and LOVING is not about you (solely) anymore
its about them

Well, back in Middle School and all through High School there was a girl that I felt like that for and am pretty sure she felt the same way. It seemed like I ran into that girl everywhere and despite being in the same school, we didn't even live in the same town, but I always seemed to bump into her anywhere I went; even once in a large mall in a large town about 50 miles away from where we went to school. I have yet to have that strong of an attraction to anyone else in my adult life, but have come close a couple times. I just really wasn't ready for a relationship back then and I also really didn't want something to cause me getting stuck living in my home town/state so I ignored the feelings and got through High School and College without dating anyone and then left the state. As I suspected, that girl currently lives back in my home town and has a kid that attends my mother's day care center ironically.

At the time, I guess I didn't realize how rare it is to find those feelings in a person. I hope that wasn't my one and only chance at love, surely it can be found in someone else hopefully.

[Hooo!]

i doubt that that was love. You still dont really know the person. I think you were in love with the idea of her.

Maybe love doesnt take time, but mine did. Love is not a feeling thats there or develops as quickly as a crush on someone.
dont get me wrong: having a crush or being IN love is a reaaaaally nice feeling to have. Its a good place of mind.

but deeply loving someone for me it takes time. Like jester sais: You notice it after the exitement has gone.


I am also personally convinced that you can love more than 1 person at the same time (same goes for being in love)
and i am pretty sure that you can find love after you have loved
same as you find a new crush when the old didnt work out.

[TheEvilJester]

I think you were in love with the idea of her.

Yes. That is exactly what I would suggest. Similar to having a crush on somebody (which maybe actually is what you had for this gal) you don't really know if what you thought you saw in her was true or not. So, you were more in love with the idea of her, just as Hooo said, not the reality of her. Had you ever tried, maybe her reality would have lived up to that idea, maybe it would not. You don't know that, but it is a little late now, so there is no point in dwelling on it.

I hope that wasn't my one and only chance at love, surely it can be found in someone else hopefully.

No. No, it was not. Don't get me wrong. I do NOT mean to deny the magic of love, the idea that you can click in a special way with somebody and that it can feel just meant to be. I do believe in the idea of finding "THE One." ... However, despite that name ("THE One") I don't think there is only one person, one chance we all have to find that special somebody. I think there are numerous people who could very well turn out to be that one special somebody for all of us. Again, that isn't to say that any one relationship isn't special. I also don't mean that to suggest that you shouldn't feel satisfied if you find somebody who you feel is the one. If you DO find that, you shouldn't question it. Well, at least not based on thinking there is somebody else out there. At the same time, you shouldn't let yourself be duped into thinking you've found "the one" even if it is somebody so wrong for you... but just because you don't want to be alone.

God, I'm kind of talking in circles here. LOL! I just feel more confused. I think, again, though, it is just a hard thing to explain. Bottom line, though... NO, she was not your one and only shot at love. COULD she have maybe been somebody who could have been "the one?" Maybe.... but that doesn't mean she's the only one. I hope you find that special connection very soon, my friend.