That's awesome that you've done that for yourself. Congratulations.
Why do you need his approval to feel good about yourself, though? If you're in a relationship where you're not getting what you need, address it or get out. It really is that simple. You don't owe him anything. You need to put yourself first, period. It seems you have a hard time with that concept.
Just like with kids, the second you tell him that he's not allowed to do the things he wants to do, he is calculating exactly what time he'll be scheduling these activities for when you're not around to yell at him. Regardless, as soon as you've trained him to stop watching porn, there'll be some other gawd-awful activity that he seems to enjoy that you'll want to stop as well.
Make him stop, break up with him, or live with it. Those are your three options.
Personally, I'm sick of people trying to condition me so that I'm "tolerable" to be around. That's why I'm single. I leave the toilet seat up. I fart ALL the time. I don't need to win arguments with logic because there's nobody around to argue with. I also watch porn... which doesn't fall asleep on me, tell me that I'm doing it wrong, or call me "sick" because I might happen to be curious what something might feel like. Women are an endless stream of negativity and limitations.
I still think the problem isn't porn here it is more the fact you and your body are not getting the attention you deserve from your partner. I empathise with that as I was in the same boat. I wasn't my partners ideal type and as a result he struggled to get excited over me. We tried to make things work but at the end of the day we couldn't and had to call it a day. So I think rather than talk to your BF about his porn watching how about telling him your concerns about the way he makes you feel. If he doesn't acknowledge this and work to make you feel the way you want then you really need to reconsider if you want to be in the relationship. Talk calmy and clearly, you won't even have to mention the porn to make your point as I think if he made you feel good about yourself and secure the porn watching would'nt bother you as much.
Some people are drains and some are radiators... Keep clear of the drains and hug the radiators!
I was abused everyway in my last relationship and think its messed me up. I feel like i have to be perfect or hell leave like he did or hurt me. My now bf has hit me once or twice and now i feel its me who needs to keep changing. My now bf has only ever hit me. What is wrong with me? That is why im scared to talk to him now . Last time i tried it was abiut how sad i was about the porn. He went mental and kicked and hit me. I wasnt even shouting.
Its all my fault.
It isnt as bad as it sounds.
Your codependency and insecurity and zero self worth needs to be addressed, Kat. Please call your mental health hotline in your area and ask them to refer you to a councelor in your durisdiction. Seriously. You'll be glad you did because the state you're in now is not healthy. Any woman who says "It's not that bad" when she has just admited that her spouse is physically abusing her needs the help of a good therapist to teach her that she is worth more than shitty treatment.Originally Posted by Katmeow85
I was abused everyway in my last relationship and think its messed me up. I feel like i have to be perfect or hell leave like he did or hurt me. My now bf has hit me once or twice and now i feel its me who needs to keep changing. My now bf has only ever hit me. What is wrong with me? That is why im scared to talk to him now . Last time i tried it was abiut how sad i was about the porn. He went mental and kicked and hit me. I wasnt even shouting.
Its all my fault.
I'll add: Since your latest revelation... "porn" and his lack of intimacy is not your biggest problem. Seriously, you can't come her and justify the way you have by telling us you'd be fine that "its not as bad as it sounds" as long as he was screwing you is just wrong on so many accounts.
Last edited by Wakeup; 15-07-11 at 03:22 AM.
“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.” ~Joan Didion
I've asked for a counsellor but it has taken about 3 weeks so far and havent heard anything yet. I'm so ad it is unbelieveable. He keeps asking me what has he done and I'm just too scared to say what it is because of arguments. He is a nice man. He has just made a couple of mistakes. The incidents of violence have been far apart like over a years difference.
At this point I feel like I've just given up. This is my life. I have to deal with his porn, deal with being so lonely I could cry (live over 60 miles from parents and over 12 miles to any other family and friends), just feeling like I'm a tag along and not worthy of anything remotely good. Anything I do try I fail at or something will happen and bring me down. I'm jut so fed up. The only thing keeping me going is my son.
No matter who I'm with I ruin it or they arent the person I thought.
Call them again and ask them the status of you being placed with a councelor. Call them everyday if you need to.
“The willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life is the source from which self-respect springs.” ~Joan Didion