In love with a girl who has a BF

[tooxshort]

As to my personal situation ... I was in between. I was engaged years ago but my relationship was ended by an act of God. That's all I'm going to say on that.

Carl.

Is it like one of those "May lightning strike me if ..." type of things? heh

[carl1222]

Is it like one of those "May lightning strike me if ..." type of things? heh

No ... more like one of those "Who dies at 24?" type of things.

Carl.

[vashti]

As to my personal situation ... I was in between. I was engaged years ago but my relationship was ended by an act of God. That's all I'm going to say on that.

Fair enough. Sounds like a sad story.

I think that marriage is a profoundly higher level of commitment but that decent people honor commitments or withdraw from them if they no longer can.

??

I'm not sure where we disagree then. I proposed she break off her commitment to the boyfriend (if she is so inclined) before the original poster dates her.

[CocoChanel]

He's probably already turned her off by teasing her. That's so elementary! You should move on Pal.

[carl1222]

I'm not sure where we disagree then. I proposed she break off her commitment to the boyfriend (if she is so inclined) before the original poster dates her.

Maybe I am overpushing a subtle point, vashti ... that maybe she should break off her commitment when she feels driven to explore other options. Grabbing the second monkey branch first is an easy way out even if the monkey doesn't put her full weight on it.

Carl.

[vashti]

Ahh, I see. You object to the competition. Okay... I just don't. I consider it part of the "weeding out" process.

[Mish]

Ahh, I see. You object to the competition. Okay... I just don't.

The same way you object to competition in marriage.

I think it comes down to the two 'c's those who are 'committed' should not be 'competing'

[vashti]

The same way you object to competition in marriage.

I think it comes down to the two 'c's those who are 'committed' should not be 'competing'

BF/GF is dating, not the same as a commitment in my book. Of course, if two people promise to abstain from having sex with other people, then they should honor that agreement or break up before they violate that agreement.

But I know you have deep-seated insecurities about competition, and I know I won't change anyone's mind.

[Aeradalia]

I'm not sure how to approach the idea of picking at the commitment between two people trying to decide if it's dead or not. Seems like a scavenger's approach to finding love --- let's harvest the 'meat' before it's been 'dead' for too long.

One has to wonder at the quality of such a possible relationship... she will have recent lingering feelings for her 'ex'... whereas if she had broken up with her ex and took the necessary time to 'get over them' she would have time to sort her feelings and be more self-reliant.

I just don't see building a relationship --- something that is incredibly difficult to maintain... perhaps one of the most difficult things in life to 'work --- under such impulsive conditions...

However, I know I can't dissuade you... love/infatuation has a way of overwhelming the more logical side... So my advice would be that once you do wrestle her from the arms of her boyfriend... that you take things very slowly from then on... give her time to sort her feelings...

[carl1222]

Ahh, I see. You object to the competition. Okay... I just don't.

Got it ... so here is where we can agree to disagree. In my opinion, when you decide to commit, there is no competition because it stops being about "who is the best man I can be with" and becomes "is the man I have decided to be with the right man for me?"

Carl.

[carl1222]

BF/GF is dating, not the same as a commitment in my book. Of course, if two people promise to abstain from having sex with other people, then they should honor that agreement or break up before they violate that agreement.

But I know you have deep-seated insecurities about competition, and I know I won't change anyone's mind.

Isn't that the difference (the bold part) between just dating ... playing the field ... and deciding to commit? What is that promise other than a commitment?

Carl.

[carl1222]

Ahh, I see. You object to the competition. Okay... I just don't. I consider it part of the "weeding out" process.

When do you think it should end, vashti? 30? 40? 80? never????? At some time you have to stop looking for Prince Charming ... or you will die in your vain pursuit! You shouldn't be with someone you consider a "weed." At some point, you decide he is a flower, and stop looking for a BETTER flower.

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

When do you think it should end, vashti? 30? 40? 80? never?????

Carl.

Give it a rest... some have the mentality of 'the grass is always greener' their whole lives...

I for one pity such people... it's an unending hunt...

[Mish]

BF/GF is dating, not the same as a commitment in my book.

Dating is not bf / gf though. It's two strangers seeing each other from time to time. When I was dating two girls at the same time I wasn't a bf of either one of them. There was no exclusivity, no agreement and no commitment.

Of course, if two people promise to abstain from having sex with other people, then they should honor that agreement or break up before they violate that agreement.

I agree^^^

But I know you have deep-seated insecurities about competition, and I know I won't change anyone's mind.

Vash, let's not go personal. You know where that will lead.

[carl1222]

Give it a rest... some have the mentality of 'the grass is always greener' their whole lives...

I for one pity such people... it's an unending hunt...

Not an unending hunt ... a wasted life.

Carl.