How to get out...?

[twisted]

problem is i let infatuation get the best of me. i really have some emotional "maturing" to do before i get into another relationship. it's unfair for the person i am with now, although he is immature in his own ways.

thanks everyone, i appreciate reading your opinions.

[lesa]

How do you guys view committment, intimacy, and passion in a 20 year long-term relationship and a 20 year marriage?

I do not mean ownership and the laws of marriage.

[IndiReloaded]

I don't know anyone in a 20-year relationship who isn't married or some legal equivalent.

[Mish]

Mish, its not the same. I've been in both. Its just...not the same. Marriage involves a commitment that even LTRs don't have (unless you have a commitment ceremony or a child or buy a house together or something similar). Okay?

I understand they are not the same. But I think an LTR has a lot more in common with marriage than an LTR has with dating. LTR and dating are two completely different entities orbiting entirely different stars, while LTR and marriage are at least in the same solar system. You can't say that an LTR that one or two partners thought was a preparation for marriage and having family together is the same as casual dating and therefore should be treated likewise. The are different rules, behaviours and perceptions.

Though, ultimately if it's not working out, it's not working out and relationship should end, be it casual dating, LTR or marriage with children. Though any relationship is not peachy, I was always of the impression that a person entering a relationship enters it with a realization that there will be issues and their commtiment towards resolving these issues will be requried.

[lesa]

problem is i let infatuation get the best of me. i really have some emotional "maturing" to do before i get into another relationship. it's unfair for the person i am with now, although he is immature in his own ways.

thanks everyone, i appreciate reading your opinions.

It shows maturity that you understand the difference between love and infatuation and that infatuation alone cannot maintain a relationship. It is okay to not have committed relationships. Just let your partner(s) know from the beginning.

[IndiReloaded]

Though, ultimately if it's not working out, it's not working out and relationship should end, be it casual dating, LTR or marriage with children.

I agree. However, the amount of work one is prepared to do to ensure that ending the relationship is the correct choice should be proportional to the investment in the relationship.

So, in that sense, a decision about a 4 year relationship should hold more weight than dropping someone you've only been seeing a few weeks or months. But its still less (to me) than a couple who has actively chosen to cement their relationship with a formal commitment, such as marriage (even if they were only married 6 months). I also think that, until that formal commitment is made, a break is always potentially 'on the table' even for LTRs.

dating<LTR<LTR w/children = marriage< marriage w/children. (the last two could w/kids could be argued)

FWIW.

[lesa]

I understand they are not the same. But I think an LTR has a lot more in common with marriage than an LTR has with dating. LTR and dating are two completely different entities orbiting entirely different stars, while LTR and marriage are at least in the same solar system. You can't say that an LTR that one or two partners thought was a preparation for marriage and having family together is the same as casual dating and therefore should be treated likewise. The are different rules, behaviours and perceptions.

Though, ultimately if it's not working out, it's not working out and relationship should end, be it casual dating, LTR or marriage with children. Though any relationship is not peachy, I was always of the impression that a person entering a relationship enters it with a realization that there will be issues and their commtiment towards resolving these issues will be requried.

I have nothing to add....just wanted to say I agree 100%

[Mish]

I agree. However, the amount of work one is prepared to do to ensure that ending the relationship is the correct choice should be proportional to the investment in the relationship.

I agree. Though the emphasis is on "there is an amount of work that one should be prepared to do when in a long term relationship". Imo realizations like "I want to leave because I want freedom" is not a proper demonstration of the amount of work a person should be committed to in an LTR. Thusly I see it as an issue that will re-occur if not addressed.

[lesa]

I agree. However, the amount of work one is prepared to do to ensure that ending the relationship is the correct choice should be proportional to the investment in the relationship.

So, in that sense, a decision about a 4 year relationship should hold more weight than dropping someone you've only been seeing a few weeks or months. But its still less (to me) than a couple who has actively chosen to cement their relationship with a formal commitment, such as marriage (even if they were only married 6 months).

dating<LTR<LTR w/children = marriage< marriage w/children. (the last two could w/kids could be argued)

FWIW.

What if I decide to be adventurous or spontaneous and marry a man I just met or I have a relationship with him for about six months or even two years and then we married versus a 5+ year long-term relationship?

[lesa]

I am curious, what if the OP stated that same things except that she is married?

[IndiReloaded]

I'm not defending the OP, just to be clear. But the fact that she cheated on her partner probably means that the relationship was 'over' long before it was over, if that makes any sense.

That seems to be often true for women, Mish, just for your mental file. The women I know who are divorced 'left' their husbands emotionally long before they left the relationship. The men are often devastated, claiming surprise at the relationship failure when the women leaves. Now, mbe these women didn't try, or mbe their spouses didn't try or ignored the warning signs (its not for me to judge) but that seems to be the pattern I've observed.

Be vigilant about your relationship health. Don't be paranoid, but do things to keep it actively loving & healthy. Complacency is the death of many (I think) otherwise perfectly decent relationships.

[IndiReloaded]

What if I decide to be adventurous or spontaneous and marry a man I just met or I have a relationship with him for about six months or even two years and then we married versus a 5+ year long-term relationship?

This is just my opinion, of course. But, if there was no stated agreement in the 5+ year relationship, then yes I would put it 'lower' than the marriage.

But I think anyone who would marry out of adventure or spontaneity is foolish beyond description. I wouldn't put any store by such a persons ability to hold any relationship, married or LTR. I don't know about anyone else's marriage ceremony, but I felt the seriousness of the vows come down on me like a crushing mental weight when I was married. It was no joke.

[Mish]

That seems to be often true for women, Mish, just for your mental file. The women I know who are divorced 'left' their husbands emotionally long before they left the relationship. The men are often devastated, claiming surprise at the relationship failure when the women leaves. Now, mbe these women didn't try, or mbe their spouses didn't try or ignored the warning signs (its not for me to judge) but that seems to be the pattern I've observed.

Be vigilant about your relationship health. Don't be paranoid, but do things to keep it actively loving & healthy. Complacency is the death of many (I think) otherwise perfectly decent relationships.

I agree again. Relationship is like a child it needs to be nurtured for it to grow. There is a work entitlement and responsibility on both partners to maintain the health of the relationship. The moment that work stops is the moment relationship starts to die a slow death.

Personally, I'm over the romantisized notion of relationships. Although it's great to be infatuated I'm not scared for the moment infatuation ends and I look forward to finding ways to just make it work (unless I've already exhausted all available options).

[vashti]

You're right I don't understand. If true love is what is left when infatuation dies down, then how will she ever be able to be attached if all she is after is infatuation?

You left out the most important part of my original statement. Love is what is left over after infatuation wears down if you are lucky. I already said this guy wasn't lucky. Not every relationship is meant to be.

Mish, consider this thread is restimulating certain events of your own.

Bingo.

And whats with the personal attacks?

Ooh, the sensitive sort, are ya?

This is just my opinion, of course. But, if there was no stated agreement in the 5+ year relationship, then yes I would put it 'lower' than the marriage.

Absolutely.

Funny, only people who have never been married think LTRs are somehow equivalent to marriage. If they were equivalent, there wouldn't be so many people balking at taking the plunge.

[lesa]

You left out the most important part of my original statement. Love is what is left over after infatuation wears down if you are lucky. I already said this guy wasn't lucky. Not every relationship is meant to be.

I like this comment. I believe it is very true and will keep it in mind.

Funny, only people who have never been married think LTRs are somehow equivalent to marriage. If they were equivalent, there wouldn't be so many people balking at taking the plunge.

Nope, I definitely do not take marriage lightly....not even a tiny bit. Marriage is very serious. That's why I thought long and hard. I told my partner that divorce is not in my vocabulary and hopefully never will. Marriage is NOT the same as a LTR. I am in fact very conservative on my views of marriage...I am merely stimulating my mind. I like to allow myself to see all side, if possible. But I have not change my mind about the seriousness that one should take marriage...nothing has change my mind yet.