Are there resonable limits to trust?

**Pete69** · 12-10-11, 06:07 AM

Sure... She's entitled to her opinion. That's fine. I just don't know why she needed so badly for me to be a liar. Oh well... At least that's over.

**bloodtippedrose** · 12-10-11, 06:33 AM

If her ex is a tenant in her old place then why is she sleeping there at all? To spend time away from you? Is it a few hours away is that why? I'm not understanding. There should be no reason shes sleeping there, and if she does there should be no reason you couldn't sleep there as well. I don't expect my landlord to come over and bunk up in my place!!!

Her huffiness and running away from the problem, and you "not understanding" such a complicated relationship is all just an excuse for her to not see that shes not over him or is not ready to let go of him. If it was strictly business she would not be spending the night in a house with another male, especially one she's had a sexual past with, period.

If I were her and didn't want to lose you, I would find a different tenant/business associate.

**IndiReloaded** · 12-10-11, 08:21 AM

The whole situation sounds bizarre. But, given the present arrangement, I don't think I'd be bringing my new BF over to sleep in my house if my ex was living there. Awkward, much? I can understand why she isn't staying there all the time.

Still, if there isn't some effort on her part to move him out I do think its odd. It could be financial, but then she wouldn't be terribly happy about it (I wouldn't be).

And, no, an ultimatum like 'move in w/me or breakup' isn't a choice. I'd dump someone for that. Maybe she's having second thoughts about her ex.

**Pete69** · 12-10-11, 08:32 PM

Bloodtippedrose: No, it's not a few hours away. It's 15 minutes down the road. I'm not sure why she was doing it... she handed me a lot of stuff that didn't make sense to me. And she does do what it takes to avoid loosing me... just barely, and after lots of stress.

IndiReloaded: yep - it's bizarre. I did give her an ultimatum... I said she had a choice: me and my place, or there and him. She chose me. If she had chosen to "dump" me, that would have been fine too. At least I would have known the truth of things. Oh - and I don't know how much of this you read, but I'm not her "new bf" - we're engaged. If it's still awkward for me to be there at this stage of things, something's really wrong.

And if she IS having second thoughts about her ex, well that's fine too. She just needs to SAY IT, and then act on it... not try to keep us all in this crazy situation for so long.

It doesn't matter anymore anyway. She's agreed not to sleep there anymore... so this is all a non-issue. How about my question? Where's YOUR limit after which it's unreasonable for someone to say "You just need to trust me"?

**bloodtippedrose** · 13-10-11, 03:10 AM

Originally Posted by Pete69

It doesn't matter anymore anyway. She's agreed not to sleep there anymore... so this is all a non-issue.

But it does matter if you're engaged to her. Just because she's reluctantly agreeing now to not sleep there (without even giving a REAL reason as to why she was in the first place!) does not mean everything will be okay later! There is a reason she is staying over there that shes not saying. If she still has feelings for him, if shes not ready to commit to you, if she thinks you're overbearing to be around.. these things don't just disappear and you don't want to get married when there's secrets or trust issues floating around. Her saying she won't sleep over there really doesn't solve much.

Also I hope I've already answered your original question in my first post.

**IndiReloaded** · 13-10-11, 03:42 AM

Originally Posted by Pete69

It doesn't matter anymore anyway. She's agreed not to sleep there anymore... so this is all a non-issue. How about my question? Where's YOUR limit after which it's unreasonable for someone to say "You just need to trust me"?

Well, I make a distinction b/t trust and trustworthy and decide based on the differential. Do you know the difference?

**Pete69** · 13-10-11, 03:45 AM

bloodtippedrose: Yes, you did answer the question for me. Thank you... and yeah, I know all that. Nothing's ok... I'm not confused about that.

If she feels that I'm overbearing for insisting that she accord me the same respect that anyone would want in a relationship, I'll have to live with that. If it ruins my relationship, I'll have to live with that also. I'm alcually willing to let that happen. I just can't allow myself to be dragged into something this crazy and unhealthy. If I insist on something like normalcy and it breaks us, then I guess I just wasn't supposed to be with this woman.

As for being engaged... we talked about that this weekend. At the very least, the wedding's going to be put off... if it happens at all... and I'm ok with that.

What I'm NOT ok with is possibly being the kind of guy who gives his girl his blessing to go and screw her ex boyfriend twice a week. If she wants to cheat on me, she's going to have to behave like she's cheating... not just take a walk down the hall at 1:00 am when the mood strikes her, or him.

Having said all this... I'm not sure I can marry someone who was ok with putting me through all this at all... who thinks it's just fine to go and sleep in a house with her ex twice a week, and that I should be ok with that. What other nasty surprises do I have in store for me? I guess we'll have to see how things go, and If I'm ever ok with what's happened here between us... I've decided to give it some time.

Wish me luck.

**IndiReloaded** · 13-10-11, 03:55 AM

Originally Posted by Pete69

IndiReloaded: yep - it's bizarre. I did give her an ultimatum... I said she had a choice: me and my place, or there and him. She chose me. If she had chosen to "dump" me, that would have been fine too. At least I would have known the truth of things. Oh - and I don't know how much of this you read, but I'm not her "new bf" - we're engaged. If it's still awkward for me to be there at this stage of things, something's really wrong.

1. I disagree about the outcome of your ultimatum. The only thing you know is that she will cave when pressure is put on her by her male partner. Concerning, given her past living arrangement. When I said I would dump someone for that kind of ultimatum, its not b/c of the cheating (or not) but b/c someone communicated their concerns so poorly. Your girl seems to have a floppy backbone.

2. I do agree with you this is entirely unreasonable for an engaged couple. Again, personally, I would never tolerate it. But I wouldn't give an ultimatum to get what I want. Because you never DO get what you want from those. I mean, do you actually trust her any more b/c of the fact she caved? I suspect not. The actual issue (her trustworthiness) has yet to be addressed, IMO.

I think you are confused and know in your gut there is something wrong with her. I think you suspect she was cheating on you w/her ex but you don't know for sure. Until you actually figure this out--which might include breaking up--I would definitely not be considering marriage with this girl.

**Pete69** · 13-10-11, 04:04 AM

IndiReloaded: So... you'd be just fine with your guy sleeping an a bed with his ex, as long as he told you nothing was going on, and you thought he was trustworthy... Ok...

**IndiReloaded** · 13-10-11, 04:18 AM

Trust comes from you. Trustworthy comes from your partner or, more correctly, is the outcome of a synthesis of traits about your partner.

The differential is your problem you need to deal with. I'm not advocating ignoring what seems reasonable or not. Quite the opposite.

**bloodtippedrose** · 13-10-11, 06:50 AM

Originally Posted by Pete69

I've decided to give it some time.

Best thing you could do. Good luck

Thread: Are there resonable limits to trust?

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