Some passing thoughts on roles in relationship

[GrkScorp]

I actually don't see many men breaking up marriages for anything other than a new girlfriend. Women leave men for a variety of reasons (drug/alcohol abuse, financial problems, infidelity, etc.).

It's amazing what some women will tell themselves to sleep easy at night, feeling like the victims..

- My uncle here in NY is getting divorced because his wife has Bi-polar

- My uncle's friend is getting divorced because his wife is crazy, and charged tens of thousands of dollars in credit cards, shops to no end, don't have the smallest consideration for money or their finances as a couple, keeps asking him for money even though she works, spends nearly 1.5 times what she makes in a year

- My uncle in Greece got divorced because his wife stopped working and did nothing around the house after they got married, she demanded a woman come into the house to take care of the child, and to take care of the house, but I think the slightly stronger motivator was the fact that "SHE cheated on HIM, with multiple partners"

Why the hell would a guy break up a marriage because of a new girlfriend? Being married is the perfect excuse to never be exclusive to any new girl a guy meets.. "I'm sorry, but i'm married".. How the hell can you come back to that? (Break up with your wife and leave her?) "I'm sorry, but I love my wife, and my children, this isn't going to work out Desiree, if you don't want to understand.. don't call me again, we're over".. and then you find your next girlfriend.. She can never call you when you don't want her to because (you're married).. she can never ask you to do things because (you're married).. you don't have to talk to her for hours on end because (you're married).. after sex, things can never get too deep or serious because (you're married).. For any guy who wants to live the high school male fantasy.. being married allows him to do just that.. (sure, he's a bastard if he takes that route, but that route allows for just that)

[GrkScorp]

Quoted for truth.

Actually, I think those are ALL the reasons I left my ex husband lol. I still loved him. So I definitely didn't leave him for lack of feelings towards him. Just pure logic - he was f*cking up both our lives.

Good for you Blue!

Honestly, I wish more women would have the power and courage to do exactly that.. especially for guys which fcuk up their lives.. and mostly because those guys are so rare, so they're really unfortunate to be in that kind of relationship.. so they should know that if they get out, chances are, they can only do better..

[bluesummer]

Blue seems to be the most comfortable with herself.. It seems, from reading her other posts, that she's just been unlucky in her life in terms of guys.. But as a women, pretty much all a guy could ask for.. There are some women like that.. that any guy would be lucky to have.. but always end up bringing abusers/losers into their life..
..

Thanks, GS. I actually only ever had ONE such man in my life, though.....my ex husband. Everyone else has been pretty decent. And my current bf is simply beyond amazing, treats me like absolute gold. I definitely wasn't going to put up with the bs I took from the last one.

[GrkScorp]

I have yet to figure this out.

That would be like me handing out opinions about raising children. I have no frickin idea, I've never done it.

Ugh.. attempts to discredit..

Have you had parents? Have you talked to your parents? Have they vented onto you in a nice constructive way? Have you SEEN how your mom or dad look like, and how they "looked" like? Have you heard a bitter, fat, miserable, old, married women speak (besides on this forum, that doesn't count).. I mean in your family.. And you obviously can't relate until you've been in a relationship yourself.. but once you have.. over, and over, and over again.. and have seen those things once unfamiliar to you come out in the other person.. once you've seen the other person grow a little too comfortable and familiar with you, lose respect, abaondon and neglegt you.. you can avoid the same mistake those before you made.. that's the basis of history.. to learn from other's mistakes..

You don't want a situation..., where you're married to someone, and NOW you realize that you're not happy, and things are not going to work out.. it's too late, it's too complicated of a knot to untie.. So you want to prevent that from happening.. you want to be absolutely sure that this person is marrying you for you, for who you are, not for what you can provide.. you want to be sure that this marriage is going to stay together because of the love you have for eachother.. and then for the love you have for your children.. and not at all because of the force of law.. you want to be sure that this person your with will show the same level of attention, care, and respect towards you as you show to them, and take care of not just you, but themselves.. because you don't want it to be one-sided.. that's not your idea of marriage, that's not what you signed up for.. and personally, the way to handle that is through a pre-nupt & a strong qualification process which you'll do prior to the engagement..

I've never had to file for Bankruptcy, but I can tell you exactly what to do and what to avoid in case you have to.. I've never had to structure a Sec. 1031 exchange, but I can tell you what to do if you need to.. And up until I had to break off a 3 year relationship, I never did that either, but if I had to, I knew exactly how to go about it.. and that's exactly how I went about it.. and the break-up was very mild.. and we're still friends.. And all of that is because of example.. You learn from doing.. And you don't need to be a criminal to be a gread criminal defense lawyer.. but tangent understanding of an issue.. and a good framework of historical cases and examples from others.. is exactly what you need to deal with a situation..

And I would take a picture of some of the women in my family, but they wouldn't all fit into the same picture.. But you know quite well where the path you're taking is leading you.. and you know it better when you've been in several relationships, and have seen some patterns in the opposite sex.. what they look for, what their motives are, what their mentality is, etc.. It's a wealth of information, a wealth of cases.. and examples.. and above all, a wide and diverse range of experience.. And that kind of variety will give you a better understanding of the issue.. as i'm sure you, Blue, for instance, will now have an easier time filtering out the "wrong" guy, from the "right" guy.. because you're now +1 in terms of experience.. you've seen guys like him, and now you know what to look out for.. so it doesn't happen to you.. you have now increased your range, made your net much wider..

Who I would question are those with limited experience, and only "years" with the same person to act as underlying evidence on the topic.. instead of diversity.. And you can see for yourself now, Blue, how tragic such a fallacy is to make.. and where it can end up leading you.. But i'm sure you won't allow yourself to go down that road again.. and won't give an other abuser/loser the chance to strike up anything with you again..

[GrkScorp]

Thanks, GS. I actually only ever had ONE such man in my life, though.....my ex husband. Everyone else has been pretty decent. And my current bf is simply beyond amazing, treats me like absolute gold. I definitely wasn't going to put up with the bs I took from the last one.

When it comes to guys.. the two classic downfalls are "abusive" & "loser/lazy"

It's true guys, don't bother denying it..

But if you play the numbers, you'll always come out ahead.. always.. the numbers are in your favor.. There are great guys out there.. but they're not always so obvious..

As Tracey Cox puts it.. "ladies, don't just talk to his cute friend, talk to him too, you may find yourself on the more fortunate end, paying attention to the hidden gem that every other lady was overlooking"

My friend Maria has this same issue, although thankfully for you it was only an exception.. She goes for cute guys, constantly, who either turn out to be totally abusive.. or "losers & lazy"

Just stick to the regular qualifiers.. lol

- What do you do?
- Why did you get into that?
- Do you like it?
- What do you like about it?

- Everyone has something they like to do besides work, I love ___ blah blah.. do you have something like that, just totally not work-related? (If he says "sex" it's a deal-breaker)
- How did you get into it?
- Why do you like it?

- When I was 16, and still in school, I really liked ___, and wanted to be a ____ blah blah.. But well, obviously.. that's not how it played out.. blah blah.. what did you want to do when you were still in high school? If you don't remember, it's ok..
- Really? Why? How did you get from ____ to where you are today?
- That's a bit of a change.. but change isn't always bad, obviously.. you like where you are today right?
- Yeah, but.. do you ever see yourself in the future? Like did you ever think about where you want to be in terms of work, in the future (don't say "marriage" and don't imply it.. lol..).. what do you think it would be like? Can you even imagine what it would be like?

All of them testing for motives, passion, drive, and desire for success and personal growth..

Best & much love Blue,

GrkScorp

[IndiReloaded]

LOL. Logical fallacies (and windbags) still abound I see.

Certainly. If I wanted to get medical advice I would go see:

a) a car mechanic
b) a tax consultant w/a self declared <medical/psychology/relationship, etc, ad nauseum> degree
c) a physician (or nurse)

Likewise, if I wanted an opinion on how to have a good longterm relationship or marriage, or solve problems that occur in those situations, I would believe:

a) someone who's never been married & barely into his 20s
b) someone who has only ever seen examples of FAILED marriages
c) ppl who been successfully married/in LTRs for a very long time (almost as long as some posters are old)

I believe the word 'duh' would apply.

[Mish]

Okay, so skipping right above all of that I just wanted to say that the secret to a good long lasting relationship (At least how I'm starting to see it is) is:

1. Keep your woman happy

2. As above

The secret is to want to make her happy and look after her happiness, no devious intentions, nothing else just that one drive. Make sure she feels happy when she's around you and dates, sex, relationships they are all just logical destinations that will eventually stem from that. You don't need to spend a lot of money or go out of your way to do incredible things for her, just simple little random acts of kindness, jokes, fun, excitement. Do this and she's yours (I'd go as far as say regardless of who she is and who you are), she will always find you, that feelings will always pull her to you.

[IndiReloaded]

Mish, there is a very old, very simple saying that every married man knows:

"Happy wife, happy life."

Its a truism for good reason.

The other thing I will share is what our minister (a relative actually) told us at our wedding: try to treat each other as THEY (not you) want to be treated.

It seems like such a simple statement, but its actually quite deep when you think about what is required to understand what your partner (not you) truly wants/needs.

If you can find someone who believes this the same as you & you can communicate well with them & you share core values, you're most of the way there. The rest is just living the experience.

But this digresses from this thread & really belongs in your other one more, sorry. I have no idea how to help you find this in a club, except to say its not where I would be looking in your situation.

[Mish]

But this digresses from this thread & really belongs in your other one more, sorry. I have no idea how to help you find this in a club, except to say its not where I would be looking in your situation.

Not looking for that in clubs Indi. Clubs are just a simulation to try things out on and test new ideas on.

But, let's just say I have some certain "work in progress" here in Sydney at the moment where I can test out some of these ideas. I have a good chance at the moment to find out if making a woman happy will give me a good relationship in the future in return

[bluesummer]

I understand the concept of making a woman happy, but only if it is a GOOD woman who is worthy of it.

I have a pet peeve with these princessy women that demand stuff from their partners, and their partners give them everything they ask for just to keep them 'happy'. They won't even argue points that I KNOW they don't agree with. They figure it's easier just to shut their mouth and give in. Sad part is, they never seem to get as much in return. Angers me.

[Mish]

I understand the concept of making a woman happy, but only if it is a GOOD woman who is worthy of it.

I have a pet peeve with these princessy women that demand stuff from their partners, and their partners give them everything they ask for just to keep them 'happy'. They won't even argue points that I KNOW they don't agree with. They figure it's easier just to shut their mouth and give in. Sad part is, they never seem to get as much in return. Angers me.

Come on Blue. It's me who you're talking about. Would I be after a woman who wasn't a drop made in heaven?

One good thing that my biting retard ex taught me is all the main princess red flags to look out for in women. If I say I'm going to do my best to make a woman happy, that means that she really REALLY deserves it

...Will be a good way to put my theory to the test

[vashti]

It's amazing what some women will tell themselves to sleep easy at night, feeling like the victims..

I don't know many men who break up with girls, Mish. Unless it's to get with a hotter girl.

I wonder why Gribble should feel the need to tell himself this at night?

Grk, it sounds like the common denominator for the examples you listed is that they are all related to you or are friendly with the males in your family. Perhaps you should consider that the men you are related to or affiliate with are just crappy at picking out women, and aren't representative of all men everywhere. This would also explain your warped perceptions of women.

And please quit calling indi fat and old. We all know she isn't, and you are making yourself sound like an 11 year old.

[DoesntMatter]

huh? What's all this?

[GrkScorp]

If Indi feels that the post was referring to her, then that's just being insecure about the way she looks, if she has to PM you to tell you to post on her part, that's just being catty and a little childish.. In either case, looks don't matter that much, so chillax

The denominator, is understanding about people.. through getting to know a wide range of people, and in doing that, getting to see and get a good feel for patterns and commonalities among the numbers..

Some guys were unfortunate; and it was just a twist of fate against their favor.. nobody can really expect something like bipolar to take place..

Some guys were just not careful enough, and overlooked (rather, failed to investigate) because they were too dazed by a fine piece of @ss..

Oh.. if you think G was bad.. try this one:

- "It's ok, I don't feel bad for breaking things off.. why should I be stuck with someone who's average when I can be with someone who's hotter? Especially when that's all there really is"

(That was deep).. as Borat would say.. not!

[GrkScorp]

huh? What's all this?

Why sir! I say! I believe you're peeing upon my leg..