what do I do,I cant just let it happen...

[vashti]

Sorry lightening, but I think you have way too much emotional investment in this psuedo-romance to be of any real help to this girl. You should contact a social worker.

[Cain]

You aren't her friend and stop acting like you are. There may not be an official relationship with the two of you yet but you both act as if you're dating. Do you think that's really a good thing? A mature person would hold off on the romantic aspects of the friendship until a relationship happens. A friendly hug is fine. But constantly telling her that you love her and want to be her bf is crossing that line.

And for the record, if you threaten this guy make sure you do it in person. The last thing you want is for him to have proof that you've sent him a message threatening him.

[Aeradalia]

To the OP... in regards to your feelings for her... it would be best to keep them toned down --- morality aside (that debate could go on forever) --- the main reason is because it would add another emotional drama to her already depleted emotions.

Yes, feeling loved and valued could help her in theory... but her warped understanding of men right now could just as easily cause her to fixate on something you do and misinterpret that as a bad thing. This in turn could throw her for a loop as she could suddenly associate you with 'bad things.' Her recovery could be stalled by this and your heart would be badly broken.

What she needs right now is to learn there is still goodness left in the world. She needs to be taught all over again about what constitutes good and what is truly bad --- starting with the basics.

First she'll need to learn that not all strangers are 'out to get her' and she can learn this by going to the rape shelters... etc.

Second she'll need to learn about friendship and how it can be beneficial... and above all, innocent. You can teach her that... you can teach her that men are not animals and do not have to be bound by their sexual desires. Teach her that the man that did this to her was 'sick' and 'out of control.' Show her that you can control how you genuinely feel and can be a friend with no need to have sex or romantic involvements from her. Make it known that you help from the goodness of your heart... not because you want her to 'owe you' or 'pay you back' at some point.

Years from now... as she learns these two concepts thoroughly... then she may be able to handle the complexities of love and relationships. But she won't be able to until she can regain her trust in humanity and men in general. If you truly love her... then you must accept the idea that you could very well help her through all of this and she falls in love with another man when she's older.

If you love her... then you cannot stand in her way of having a better life... in all aspects... especially if that means she will no longer need you.

Can you honestly say you are willing to do this?

[lesa]

Talking and threatening the bf/abuser on myspace?? WT...

Man, you are doing NOTHING until you get her a social worker. I am serious!

If you can remember nothing else and want to do one good thing for her you would contact a SOCIAL WORKER.


That is: S O C I A L space W O R K E R

Social workers are specialist trained to be sensitive and can give as her many resources as the girl desires. They are also good at counseling her so that she will get back to a healthy mentality.

If I wasn't very clear the people are called Social Workers. Call any battered women's shelter and the rape crisis center.

[Aeradalia]

SOCIAL WORKER

No shame and plenty to gain if you call one of them for her...

[carl1222]

Talking and threatening the bf/abuser on myspace?? WT...

Man, you are doing NOTHING until you get her a social worker. I am serious!

If you can remember nothing else and want to do one good thing for her you would contact a SOCIAL WORKER.


That is: S O C I A L space W O R K E R

Social workers are specialist trained to be sensitive and can give as her many resources as the girl desires. They are also good at counseling her so that she will get back to a healthy mentality.

If I wasn't very clear the people are called Social Workers. Call any battered women's shelter and the rape crisis center.

I agree, Lesa. I gave them the number of their local Rape Crisis Center ... I just hope they use it.

Carl.

[lightning88]

Sorry lightening, but I think you have way too much emotional investment in this psudo-romance to be of any real help to this girl. You should contact a social worker.

did you even rerad what I said yesterday?! Im not romanticly involved!!!! I will absolutly NOT involve a social worker,if I do they will put her in foster care again,where she will be abused and all kinds of other shit!

You aren't her friend and stop acting like you are. There may not be an official relationship with the two of you yet but you both act as if you're dating. Do you think that's really a good thing? A mature person would hold off on the romantic aspects of the friendship until a relationship happens. A friendly hug is fine. But constantly telling her that you love her and want to be her bf is crossing that line.

And for the record, if you threaten this guy make sure you do it in person. The last thing you want is for him to have proof that you've sent him a message threatening him.

I am her friend and have been since she was 13! And I said I wanted to be her bf SOMEDAY,to you ppl not her! I do NOT tell her that all the time,we had one conv a week ago when she was trying to get me to and I said no ask me when your 18 blah blah,read the other thread.......I am NOT telling her that shit all the time and its nothing to do with this!

I'm sending his texts/emails to police,in my mind thats the right thing to do because I do NOT want her going through more shit and if none of you get why I try to protect her then I'm done trying to explain it. Ive said ten times we are not in a relationship,not romantic in any way,and we havnt been talking like that. So freaking drop it!

To Aeradalia,I took her coming to me with this as a cry for help,she has known me longer than anyone else and trusts me. Thank you for your helpful advice,I am not trying to get a relationship out of her. I hug many other friends as well. If she needs space away from me I would absolutly do that. I don't want to cause her any issues myself. I'm trying to save her from abuse because I love her.



And to all of you,I would like to point out by law it is not wrong or illegall to love a 16 year old or try to help them. I am NOT dating her,I am NOT intimate with her,for the final time. I have said I am not even going to attempt that until she is 18,I told her the same,What more do tou want from me,seriously?! I am NOT going to turn my back on my best friend because some forum ppl say so.

Talking and threatening the bf/abuser on myspace?? WT...

Man, you are doing NOTHING until you get her a social worker. I am serious!

If you can remember nothing else and want to do one good thing for her you would contact a SOCIAL WORKER.


That is: S O C I A L space W O R K E R

Social workers are specialist trained to be sensitive and can give as her many resources as the girl desires. They are also good at counseling her so that she will get back to a healthy mentality.

If I wasn't very clear the people are called Social Workers. Call any battered women's shelter and the rape crisis center.

you think this is such wonderful advice do you?

A social worker ( I ****ing know its two words Im not a dog) Will Only take her from what little home she has and knows and put her in foster care,do you know what happens to kids in foster care?

As I said I'm turning the info over to police,he will go down and she will be safe.

I agree, Lesa. I gave them the number of their local Rape Crisis Center ... I just hope they use it.

Carl.

Again Thank you Carl,She HAS used it but I dont exactly know what shes said or what they are doing,I think shes talking to therpy ppl anonamously or something she hasnt told me.

And since all of you try to make me feel like shit and basicly try to tell me I'm helping her only to get a relationship I'm done updating you.

I came for help because i honestly didn't know what to do,I only want the best for her. I'm NOT trying to get a relationship,We are only best friends and that is the way it will stay until she is 18. (I dont keep saying it to her,Im saying it to you!)

I marked thanks to alot of you that have helped me out the most,and I give special thanks to Carl and Frasbee,And Aeradalia. And dispite the fact some of you don't understand me I would like to thank you all for your help Including Vash even tho your comment yesterday made me mad I know you are all trying to help and I really do apperciate it,Thank you all.

[Cain]

A social worker ( I ****ing know its two words Im not a dog) Will Only take her from what little home she has and knows and put her in foster care,do you know what happens to kids in foster care?

Is it really any safer than where she is right now? Where she was raped by her father, raped by her ex-bf multiple times, and is living with a meth addicted mother? Do you know what will happen if her mother gets indebted to a drug dealer? When he wants her mother to pay, they won't do anything to the mother. They wouldn't get their money. They'll go after the daughter.

I'm pretty sure that she'll be a little safer at a foster home.

[vashti]

I didn't read your entire response, lightening, but all I can tell you is that this girl has a history of nothing BUT inappropriate relationships, including the one she has with you. She doesn't know how to do anything else (though that certainly isn't her fault). Give her the chance to learn how to do things the right way. She is not going to be able to learn that from you - you need to get a professional involved.

[lesa]

You're full of...

Yeah, contact the police. That's a great idea! The police and social workers are partners especially in situations involving a 16 year old.

I shouldn't say that. Now, you won't contact the police.

[Aeradalia]

Lightning these links might help you to make a more informed decision. You may not fully realize the extent of her skewed psychology. RAINN will be the most helpful by far.

Just remember.. the absolute worse thing you can do right now is be uninformed. The steps you take with her now can either encourage her to seek help or perpetuate her feelings of unworthiness and abandonment. Please read these sites.


Rape Trauma Syndrome
[url]http://www.doctor-clinic.org/injuries/rape-trauma-syndrome.html[/url]

Definitions of Rape and Sexual Assault
[url]http://www.ibiblio.org/rcip/vocabofrape.html[/url]

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)
[url]http://www.rainn.org/[/url]

Types of Sexual Assault
[url]http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault[/url]

Effects of Sexual Assault
[url]http://www.rainn.org/get-information/effects-of-sexual-assault1[/url]

Recovery from Sexual Assault
[url]http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-recovery[/url]

Reporting
[url]http://www.rainn.org/get-information/legal-information[/url]

Ways to Reduce Your Risk of Sexual Assault
[url]http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-prevention[/url]

Help A Loved One
[url]http://www.rainn.org/get-help/help-a-loved-one[/url]

Find A Local Crisis Center
[url]http://centers.rainn.org/[/url]

Online Hotline
[url]http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline[/url]

National Sexual Assault Hotline
[url]http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline[/url]

[lightning88]

Is it really any safer than where she is right now? Where she was raped by her father, raped by her ex-bf multiple times, and is living with a meth addicted mother? Do you know what will happen if her mother gets indebted to a drug dealer? When he wants her mother to pay, they won't do anything to the mother. They wouldn't get their money. They'll go after the daughter.

I'm pretty sure that she'll be a little safer at a foster home.

As I told you the father is in jail,the mother is rarly there ,its gov housing and she is safe there,its a gated community,I have to have a password to go there,the bf raped her at school not there,last time in foster care she got beat up. and she has expressed to me how bad it was,I wont be responisble for putting her back there I'd never forgive myself if she got hurt.

Dont you think telling the police the texts and email printouts is a good idea?

vashti I didn't read your entire response, lightening, but all I can tell you is that this girl has a history of nothing BUT inappropriate relationships, including the one she has with you. She doesn't know how to do anything else (though that certainly isn't her fault). Give her the chance to learn how to do things the right way. She is not going to be able to learn that from you - you need to get a professional involved.

VAsh please understand the relationship I have with her is only as her best friend,and she has talked or is talking to the ppl at the number carl gave,If I'm not mistaken they will provide therepy for her and I will check on that and see that she does get that help having a pro to talk to. I just refuse to use a social worker because i dont want to take away the only home she knows. please understand that. Again I'm not so much as going to mention relationships to her until she 18.

lesa You're full of...

Yeah, contact the police. That's a great idea! The police and social workers are partners especially in situations involving a 16 year old.

I shouldn't say that. Now, you won't contact the police.

Although its not real nice to tell me I'm full of shit,I will still contact them and i wanted to know if you all thought it was a good idea so thank you.

Lightning these links might help you to make a more informed decision. You may not fully realize the extend of her skewed psychology. RAINN will be the most helpful by far.

Just remember.. the absolute worse thing you can do right now is be uninformed. The steps you take with her now can either encourage her to seek help or perpetuate her feelings of unworthiness and abandonment. Please read these sites.

Thank you very much for gathering those for me,I will read through them and forward the appropriate ones to her as well.

Again thank you ALL for helping me so much.

[lightning88]

sorry double post,comp is screwing up.

[lesa]

Withholding aid and resources when you are this close to her is not real nice.

Do you feel her life is better in her present situation than a foster home for less than two years? Imagine the counseling and other assistance that will help her overcome her troubling past.

If she doesn't get help for herself (nevermind the crime...that will be taken care of by the law) can you imagine the type of adult she may become? Don't you want her to reach her full potential?

[lightning88]

Lightning these links might help you to make a more informed decision. You may not fully realize the extent of her skewed psychology. RAINN will be the most helpful by far.

Just remember.. the absolute worse thing you can do right now is be uninformed. The steps you take with her now can either encourage her to seek help or perpetuate her feelings of unworthiness and abandonment. Please read these sites.

I'm forwarding the top one and the Rainn ones to her. She has all the symptoms other than pregnacy that are listed in the first link,the how to help a loved one,link is helpful to me as well,Again thank you for getting all those for me and her.

Withholding aid and resources when you are this close to her is not real nice.

Do you feel her life is better in her present situation than a foster home for less than two years? Imagine the counseling and other assistance that will help her overcome her troubling past.

If she doesn't get help for herself (nevermind the crime...that will be taken care of by the law) can you imagine the type of adult she may become? Don't you want her to reach her full potential?

I do feel she is better where shes at,shes safe there and you dont know what foster care Is like here,its way worse than where shes at now,I do want her to reach her full potential yes. but she has expressed to me how much shes afraid of foster care. As I said I do not want to have on my conchiance (however you spell that) that she is worse off and in more pain than now. she was in foster care for two years and it was a very tramatic experiance for her. please understand I'm trying to do whats best for her.

She is a great girl,she has all A's in school she even has a scholorship already. I am not going to tramatize her and screw up her plans. I do agree she needs help and therapy and I am going to follow that up with her and see she gets it from the number and center Carl provided.