Men with kids

[vashti]

moonfairy - that guy who broke dates with you may not be a great boyfriend to a young girl like yourself, who understandably needs a lot of attention, but he IS acting like a responsible parent. You are NOT supposed to be a priority over his kids. They are - and always SHOULD be - a priority over a date.

That's exactly what I mean when I say that younger people without kids aren't prepared to interact with parents. The qualities you complain about are the exact ones you'd WANT if he were the father of YOUR children.

EDIT: I don't wish to imply that young people are selfish, at least not in a negative, judgemental way. Their demands for attention are appropriate for their age and developmental stage. It's just that those qualities aren't compatible with children.

[moonfairy_2002]

I think you need to know more about why he is divorced(?) with kids. That's a hell of a thing to do to your child. Unless there's a really good reason, that you can verify, it could be a sign of a selfish personality.

So, generally, speaking I would be wary of a man with kids, yes. Same goes for single moms. It might be okay, but warrants closer scrutiny.

Ok I asked him. He said that she left him while she was 2 months pregnant. I asked why and he said that she lost interest in him. I told him it could have just been the pregnancy hormones at the time. He then told me that she is dating someone else now.

They broke up nearly 2 years ago and he's been single since. He said that he has been dating but none of the relationships have worked out because all of the women couldnt handle the amount of time he spends with his child.


RED FLAG ALERT
If you've been dating for 2 years and every women is telling you the same thing, maybe the problem is you (well, him in this case, you know what I mean). I dont think he puts enough time and effort into his relationships, but I dont know him well enough to be positive. Also the whole breaking up while she is pregnant seems fishy to me. Most women are totally into their mate while their pregnant by them, not trying to dump them. Hmmmm.

[Moe]

No man ive dated since splitting with my sons father has met my son and they wont ever do until the relationship is serious..and by serious i mean serious not just after a few months.


This thread is quite patronising

I never brought a women around either because of fear of what might happen if they got close then a split. (Mother isn't in the picture) I was so very careful with the only one I ever did and it was 5 years after my divorce. And 2-3 months after I started to date her. And she royally screwed my kids and I after wanting her back so badly will now after seeing the consequences will never forgive her, she was the only mother my kids ever knew and she just left. Only giving selfish excuses that make no sense.

[qwertz]

Ok I asked him. He said that she left him while she was 2 months pregnant. I asked why and he said that she lost interest in him. I told him it could have just been the pregnancy hormones at the time. He then told me that she is dating someone else now.

They broke up nearly 2 years ago and he's been single since. He said that he has been dating but none of the relationships have worked out because all of the women couldnt handle the amount of time he spends with his child.


RED FLAG ALERT
If you've been dating for 2 years and every women is telling you the same thing, maybe the problem is you (well, him in this case, you know what I mean). I dont think he puts enough time and effort into his relationships, but I dont know him well enough to be positive. Also the whole breaking up while she is pregnant seems fishy to me. Most women are totally into their mate while their pregnant by them, not trying to dump them. Hmmmm.

been pregnant have you?
you would be surprised what pregnancy hormones do to you.

[misombra]

i don't know if it's hormones but being raised by a single mother has made me much less inclined to let my baby daddy go.

[bluesummer]

It's really sad that people look at me and label me a single parent, and never try to get to know me. Every woman wants to f**k me, nobody wants to love me. I guess most single parents feel this way.

Then why don't you try to meet other single women with children?

I'm just being honest here, as a single childless woman, there's nothing appealing to me about dating a man with children. If I wanted children in my life, I would've had them. I don't want to walk into a relationship with someone knowing I could potentially become insta-mommy.

It sounds harsh, but I think that realization does a lot of single-parent men a favour. There's too many women out there that will date men with kids and then expect the kids to be shoved aside for them. Either that, or they treat the kids like crap when the relationship progresses to marriage and other children come into the picture. This happened to my best friend. Step mom treated her like a best friend until she married her Dad and they had kids, and suddenly step mom despised her. Made her childhood hell.

You're not being labelled as something bad. There's just a lot of people that don't want that responsibility. You have to find someone that likes kids a LOT and aren't biased to the fact they're not theirs.

[IndiReloaded]

Look Moon, you sound rather high-maintenance. You want to be #1 in your relationships (don't bother denying it, its pretty obvious). This isn't a bad thing, btw, especially if you are young. But you are barking up the wrong trees. Decent guys with young kids from a previous relationship don't have the time or inclination to give that to you. Any guy that does is irresponsible and not worth it.

So, just avoid guys with kids at this stage in your dating life. Simple solution.

[lilly1185]

Look Moon, you sound rather high-maintenance. You want to be #1 in your relationships (don't bother denying it, its pretty obvious). Decent guys with young kids from a previous relationship don't have the time or inclination to give that to you. Any guy that does is irresponsible and not worth it.

So, just avoid guys with kids at this stage in your dating life. Simple solution.

This is what I've been screaming lol. Except everyone else seems to be more tactful about it.

@Qwerty; I see nothing wrong with my son and s/o hanging out as long as we aren't overtly physically intimate. When I lived in SC I had plenty of male friends, as well as female, that my son interacted with on a daily basis. He's a very social little boy lol.

I think he rather misses them, and I believe as long as he doesn't see us getting too intimate (I won't kiss or make out with), I think he just puts them in a line as "mum's friend".

[IndiReloaded]

Whats a good enough reason??!! I split with my sons father over a very good reason, but there is no way on earth i could actually 'verify' it..and i wouldnt even if asked to!

@ Q - Abuse, dependency or criminal behaviour would be my deal-breakers. But that's about it. Otherwise, I would tolerate much to keep my home together for the sake of my son until he is grown. I could tolerate my partner being a crappy husband if he was a terrific parent. This is my opinion on the subject. You don't have to agree with it. However, studies consistently show that children from broken homes grow up having more personality and relationship problems. You don't have to like it, but those are the stats. Rather than being defensive, it should alert you to the fact you, as a single parent, will have to work that much harder to ensure your child grows up healthy. Forewarned is forearmed.

[lilly1185]

@ Q - Abuse, dependency or criminal behaviour would be my deal-breakers. But that's about it. Otherwise, I would tolerate much to keep my home together for the sake of my son until he is grown. I could tolerate my partner being a crappy husband if he was a terrific parent. This is my opinion on the subject. You don't have to agree with it. However, studies consistently show that children from broken homes grow up having more personality and relationship problems. You don't have to like it, but those are the stats. Rather than being defensive, it should alert you to the fact you, as a single parent, will have to work that much harder to ensure your child grows up healthy. Forewarned is forearmed.

There are plenty of factors that can contribute to personality/relationship disorders in kids.
My parents have been with eachother for 24+ years.
I've been slapped with borderline personality disorder, co-dependency, and probably others that have yet to be uncovered.

A lot of this has to do with abuse (my dad did not like me for some reason...), and my mother's condoning of it. She still takes crap from my dad and I'll never understand why. Biologically, yes my father. But I freaking hate the man.
He's apparently a wonderful provider, though *snorts*

[Perryville]

Bluesummer, it's really amusing to hear someone justify personal issues by saying that they are really doing the other person a favor. I'm a single parent,and yes my kids come first, of necessity. But that would not preclude me being ready, willing and able to devote my love to a woman, on the contrary, it would make me more concerned of her feelings and needs. Parenting has given me great insight.

[qwertz]

@ Q - Abuse, dependency or criminal behaviour would be my deal-breakers. But that's about it. Otherwise, I would tolerate much to keep my home together for the sake of my son until he is grown. I could tolerate my partner being a crappy husband if he was a terrific parent. This is my opinion on the subject. You don't have to agree with it. However, studies consistently show that children from broken homes grow up having more personality and relationship problems. You don't have to like it, but those are the stats. Rather than being defensive, it should alert you to the fact you, as a single parent, will have to work that much harder to ensure your child grows up healthy. Forewarned is forearmed.

Well none of them was the reason i split from his dad. I wont go into the details of it on here but there was no way on earth i was going to stay with him after what he did..staying with him wouldve made my son suffer...I know this because my parents stayed together for the sake of me and my siblings. It was the worst feeling, i knew from the age of 8 that they were only together for us and i hated that.

I dont see me having to work much harder. My son see's his dad every weekend and though he isnt a nice person he is a good father. He has plenty of love and i really dont need warning that i need to work harder..i work harder due to his disability, not due to me being single.

@lily. That is what you choose to do, but i stand by my feelings that no man i am involved with will meet my son until it is serious.

[vashti]

Then why don't you try to meet other single women with children?.

Actually, in my experience, that is often worse. Instead of having one set of kids with adjustment issues, you have two.

Personally, if I were a single parent, I wouldn't bother trying to have meaningful relationships until they were nearly out the door. Date? Sure, on occassion, but I wouldn't be bringing anyone home to meet them.

[qwertz]

Actually, in my experience, that is often worse. Instead of having one set of kids with adjustment issues, you have two.

Personally, if I were a single parent, I wouldn't bother trying to have meaningful relationships until they were nearly out the door. Date? Sure, on occassion, but I wouldn't be bringing anyone home to meet them.

in that case i should stay single for the best part of twenty years..maybe more..that will make me over 40 before i seriolusly date again

[vashti]

in that case i should stay single for the best part of twenty years..maybe more..that will make me over 40 before i seriolusly date again

.......So?