Marry her? WARNING: LONG!

[indigosoul]

Well, I dated my husband for 5 years before we got married. Mostly b/c we felt we were too young. We were in our early 20s and still in school and were still "finding ourselves".

The REASON so many are telling you to wait is b/c it isn't until one is around 30 or so that one comes into "oneself". A strong sense of who you really are, your values, your "life plan", etc. And you want a partner who is compatible with most of that. The time in your 20s is still largely spent testing out new things and ideas. This doesn't mean that you WON'T stay together (i.e. grow together), but a lot of relationships don't survive this time b/c you simply grow apart. Nothing wrong with that, but it gets more messy if you are married, or have a child

About the friend thing, I agree w/Lloyd. It would've been best to ask her to choose and then wait it out (your impatience cost you both a valuable growth/learning experience). But you didn't, done is done. Life is full of these kinds of moments and there will be another, so :shrug:

[Tone]

I don't know... Maybe I was looking for advice?
Maybe some one else has been in my situation and was thinking about marrying early in life and would say "Hey, don't marry young, it didn't work out for me because..." or "Hey, I married young and it was amazing because..." I am lost and looking for answers... I may have asked the wrong question to the wrong people... but thank you to those who have offered me input that was helpful ie. Shh! and Rosebud and to a certin extent Lloyd

Even so, just because it did or didn't work out for us shouldn't influence you to or not to marry your girl. Situations are completely different.

I know you probably already know this, but just throwing it out there.

[Lloyd95]

but thank you to those who have offered me input that was helpful ie. Shh! and Rosebud and to a certin extent Lloyd

Ha!, that's funny! I thought I was nothing but helpful!

[Rosebud]

Alaska boy- only you know when your ready to get married. There are no signs or signals that say "it's time". you have to judge it for yourself. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?
2. Do you have doubts about you and her?
3. And if the role was reversed and she asked you to marry her what would you say?
4. Do you guys have similar life goals? and want the same things in life?

You don't have to reply to us on these, but at least think of each of these questions and answer them yourself.Weigh the pros and cons. At least to figure all this out in your head. Not so you know what to do as in whether to ask her to marry you or not but just for own peace of mind.

And when all is said and done, you really do know your ready to marry someone when you just know in your heart that's what you want, and you can't imagine them not your life.

[Ratfish256]

To take another side on the issue. His GF obviously wasnt happy in her situation. It wasnt like he took advantage of her in any way. From what I can tell, he told her how he felt, they kissed, she broke up with her boyfriend and that was that. It wasn't like they had gone behind his back and had sex multiple times. If the other guy was too stupid to realise what an ass he was to that girl than it is his fault for loosing her. Relationships are a two way street, but that isnt an excuse to take care of yourself first all the time. Its all about equality. That doesnt mean all the time is equal, but in the short term and long term you should both feel like you are getting as much out as you put in if not more. In essence she really didnt cheat on him. They kissed and she told him right away. If they had sex, she had already decided to end it by that point. I would not consider that cheating had it happened to me.

As for the other question. Thats really your choice. I know I wont get married until I have a house and a steady paying job. You already have that and to me at that point it is more feelings than anything else. Whatever you choose, good luck to you.

[AlaskaBoy]

RoseBud and Ratfish... your amazing, Thank you.

[shh!]

I think you should survey married people about what age is a good age to marry. I think you will find that most will argue for older than you.

[Lloyd95]

I think you should survey married people about what age is a good age to marry. I think you will find that most will argue for older than you.

Good idea! Shh!, let's start with your husband.....

[Rosebud]

I think you should survey married people about what age is a good age to marry. I think you will find that most will argue for older than you.

So even if your ready to get married, you shouldn't until your a certain age? I'm not trying to argue I just disagree with that. People get married young and stay together all the time, and there's lots of people that get married after they're 30 that get divorced as well. I just don't think you can say, Ok well even though I want to get married my chances of divorce are lower at age 30 so i'll wait till then to propose.

[vashti]

So even if your ready to get married, you shouldn't until your a certain age? I'm not trying to argue I just disagree with that. People get married young and stay together all the time, and there's lots of people that get married after they're 30 that get divorced as well.

Of course it DOES happen, it is just less likely to happen the closer to 30 one is. Of course, I know that pretty much everyone in their 20s think that they have something "special" and that it won't happen to them, but statistics prove them wrong for the most part.

I do know one couple that had a young marriage and which seems to be working out, so of course it COULD happen, but most of the people I know who got married in their 20s were divorced in their 30s, are not-so-happily married, or they have husbands that cheat while they choose to pretend not to know about it.

[Rosebud]

Granted people are more mature at the age of 30, depending on the person and their sex and so I can see why that would be a "good age". But for the most part now-a-days your a taking chance when you get married no matter what the age is.

And yes I agree I have seen a lot of both sides. I have a friend who got married at 20 and they have 3 kids now and are going into their 7th year of marriage. As, I know several people who got married in their 30's and 40's who ended in divorce only a few years later. So I know both things can happen, but why base your decision on what everyone else has done wrong?

[vashti]

Better to ask what makes one so special they should be exempt from the hardships the majority of people suffer.

And by the way, I don't consider 7 years all that long. We'll see what happens in another 7. I think most of the people I know who divorced did so around the 10 year mark.

[Rosebud]

Ok, but the majority of divorces are not caused by age, they are caused by poor communication, financial, lack of commitment, priorty changes, and obviously infidelity. These things happen at all ages not just because your young. Again, I say no matter what age you are your taking a risk when you get married.

When I say, "Why base your decision on everyone else and what they did wrong", is not saying your exempt from those situations, but since nothing is for sure when it comes down to what will happen to you in the future, why base your decision on everyone else instead of what you want. People beat odds all the time, and to not do something just because soemone else has failed is not a good decision factor.

[vashti]

People beat odds all the time, and to not do something just because soemone else has failed is not a good decision factor.

Not someONE, lots of someones. Most in fact But okay, whatever you say. It is rare to see people in love under the age of 30 who didn't feel they were going to beat the odds. I hope all LF posters will be amongst those who do.

[misombra]

vashti you're back!