Hardest Part About Breaking Up?

[lahnnabell]

Yes LB. The hardest part of breaking up is when you have a cat you can't get rid of.

Hahaha. Word.

[TimeToGrowUp]

Very funny that you mention it. My mom did the same thing, "if she was the right one, it would just happen, you would have treated her right." What a ridiculous mentality. I see now where I get that stubborness and jaded perspective on love.

Seeing as how she has had many abusive relationships, had me with a man that skipped town that I have never seen or met, and is now currently in a relationship with a guy that she cares about, but does not love, because she's getting too old to try again. It really says alot. I'm glad I'm figuring this out now, you should be too. Some people go through life not wanting to turn it around.

Yup. I see now where I get my stubbornness, but I've always been aware of it and wanting it to change. My mother and father are on the verge of divorce after almost 40 years. There's no affection there, just emptiness. My father is stuck in a cold, dark place right now ..... not letting people know what it is that's bothering him. We think he might be in the midst of a gambling addiction. Looking back over the last 4.5 years of my relationship, she was projecting all over my own. I would've just appreciated some support instead of feeding any kind of doubt. My mother was always comparing what she knew of my ex's background to that of mine. It wreaked of hypocrisy because my family is certainly no Brady Bunch.

Unfortunately for me, I let all the manic, hysteric phone calls from my mother over the last year really get me down. It was hard enough going thru career struggles and other personal challenges. At which point I couldn't snap out of it and appreciate the one great thing in my life - my relationship. I'm not gonna lie, it stung like a motherf-cker when my ex- flat out said she was sorry I was going thru all this, but she's been doing me for so long. Now it's time to do her. Hurt bad.

.........but my learned stubborn behavior played a major role in that.

[vashti]

I think one of the worst parts about a break in a relationship is the division of things like mutual friends and hang-out spots. Even if you don't mind cutting out your former sleep-mate, it can be rough giving up the other things you may have taken for granted.

[lahnnabell]

My parents divorced after 20 years together. A lot of truth came out about my father in that time. His addiction to porn and internet relationships, his frequent spending of money on such endeavors, his lying and emotional abuse... It goes ON, man.

My family spent a long time recovering from the damage that kicking him out caused. We are still not completely okay. My sister still deals with anxiety, but has gotten rid of her dependency on drugs and alcohol. My brother is an independent living situation due to his history of mental illness and an eye disorder that leaves him legally blind. My mother has been in and out of several crappy relationships and is finally now getting to know herself and her likes and dislikes.

It's taken me a long time to separate myself from my familial drama. I want to be there for them, but I cannot always pick up at 3AM. I had to set up boundaries to ensure that I was still taking care of myself and developing my own standards for myself.

[lahnnabell]

I think one of the worst parts about a break in a relationship is the division of things like mutual friends and hang-out spots. Even if you don't mind cutting out your former sleep-mate, it can be rough giving up the other things you may have taken for granted.

I had to give up one of my favorite San Diegan neighborhoods for a bit. The neighborhoods are so closely connected though that I wouldn't be surprised to run into him at my favorite dive bar in our old stomping ground. And if my current guy is with me... Man, I DO NOT want to even deal with that scenario.

[vashti]

lahnna - your parents divorced after a long-term marriage. You say your siblings suffered because of the break up, but I am wondering if they had "issues" before your parents split up. (It's a rather private question, and I understand if you'd rather not answer.)

[TimeToGrowUp]

It's taken me a long time to separate myself from my familial drama. I want to be there for them, but I cannot always pick up at 3AM. I had to set up boundaries to ensure that I was still taking care of myself and developing my own standards for myself.

I let it roll off of me for years .........but again this year it just really got to me. I was the only person my mother was calling. My sister wanted no part of it. As an adult, I should care, but not let it fester as I have my own life to lead. Unfortunately at the end I wasn't able to do that. Just served as another obstacle to my own relationship.

[lahnnabell]

Totally cool with answering. No worries. Yes, there were long-term issues prior to the divorce, but because of my dad's controlling nature, everyone had the illusion that things were happy and fine for a long time. It wasn't until I was doing homework on the family computer that I found out about my dad's internet relationships by accident (he'd left is MSN signed in). Now it looks like a desperate attempt at confessing, but he was such a pathological liar, we'll never know.

After this, I told my mom. She confronted my father and stood by me. We became each other's support systems after that and our family tried to heal from this little rift. What I didn't know was that she started a paper trail on him and 6 months later told me that she would be divorcing him. THEN the sh*t really hit the fan. My sister was the daddy's girl, and it destroyed her relationship with him. My brother almost never had my father's affections, and their physical separation only worsened it all.

After we kicked my father out and the divorce finally went through (LONG ASS TIME, thanks Massachusetts judicial system), he continued to squander his money and avoid his responsibilities as a father. My sister who had never had extensive problems with anxiety prior to the divorce was now riddled with angst and sadness all the time. My brother's problems began almost when he was born, but escalated thanks to the family stress.

It's been a long hard road. We've all pretty much resorted to cutting my father out of our lives now. He's just too poisonous.