Knowing it's the right thing, but hurting - well just because it always does

[Junsui]

the puppy is totally great, found her in a rescue centre on 7th january three years ago, she'd been abandoned in the cold. I saw her, but cos you have to wait 7 days in case their owners show up, I told her she'd have to bark at anybody else that came to see her and that i'd be back in a week.

When the week was up and because I couldn't put my name on a list or anything, I was waiting outside the rescue centre at about 7:15 and it didn't open until 10:00. I had to almost wrestle this bug burly man who'd also come to get her, but i was there first.

She is a little treasure and loved by so many people. I walked her through town some time last year and a stranger offered to buy her off me, but she's not going anywhere other than in a little ball in her bed, or upside down in the garden.

Pooka, is a friends kitten, formally known as a girl because boy tortoise shell cats according to many are only a myth, even stumped the vet when we took her/him for first injections and the vet found his equipment.

He can totally be a little monster when he wants to, but most of the time he's great.

I've got a pic of molly in a conservatory, i'll dig it out and put it in the gallery tomorrow.

I'll give them both a 'pat' for you.

Awww how cute! I can't even imagine abandoning a cute puppy like that. I love kitties, I have a female. I'm surprised your friends is a male!

Yes, do give them a pat for me.

[guyxd19]

Just hang in there.The sun always comes out after the rain.

*sings to Ike*



I can see clearly now, the rain is gone


*/sing*

[ike]

*singing back* to guyxd19

... I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind...

... It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright

Sunshiny day

*/sing

... and with the thoughts of some great people on the LF, I know one day it will be.

[nigel]

Hi Ike,
I have just found your posting after checking out pages and pages on the internet. I couldn't believe how much the same your situation is to mine now, and I have been trying to find someone who can shed some light on my terrible loss. I will tell you what happened, and maybe you can tell me how you're feeling now.
I have been with my girlfriend for 5 years now, when we met we lived 170 miles apart, and the joy of seeing eachother every other week was fantastic. Our relationship grew stronger each day, and finally i quit my job and moved out of lodgings to be with her, this was 3 years ago to the day. We lived in her house for a year before buying a house of OUR own, I have been trying to run a business from home, but things have been tough, she assured me that she could cope with the bills unitl I was on my feet, everything seemed fine. But as time went on, we grew apart, there was so much stress for both of us, through work and family pressure. we got engaged 2 years ago, and the wedding IS booked for next september, but not for much longer.
It is now 2 weeks, 3 days, and 5 hours since she gave me a phrase that was going to change my life forever, and that was "I think we should split up" I have to say I was totally gobsmacked, never in my wildest nightmares did I ever think that i'd hear those dreadful words, but I did. I spent the whole of that weekend in tears, and really didn't know which way to turn.
She asked me to give her time to think about things, which I gladly did, it was unfortunate that I did have to keep popping back home as my business runs from there, she was ok with this, but there was never a way i could change her mind.
She says she loves me but is not in love with me anymore, and I don't know what to do. what's even more sad is that my love and desire for her is multiplied several times over, but it's no good, she doesn't want this life with me anymore. she hasn't asked me to move out and she has now moved into the spare room, my god I miss her so much, i know she's here in the house with me but the distance is too far between us, what do I do to win her back?
Everyday is painful, it's the only thing on my mind. I hate myself for letting this happen, but i don't know what it was that triggered it. She assures me there is no one else involved, and I believe her, but just the thought of her being in bed with another man tears me apart so so much, I can't let go.

Christmas is just around the corner, and i really don't want it to happen, I will not be with her. Please help me someone.

Nigel

[Junsui]

There isn't much you can do to win her back. Just give her space and see where it goes from there.

[nigel]

Thanks for your reply junsui,

I know that's so true, but I want to make amends, I love her with all my heart and it's tearing me apart.
I had problems with drink which I know didn't help, i have now stopped drinking completely now, but probably all too late.
I guess I just have to wait. We are still living in the same house which must be more difficult for any potential repair, but i have no where else to go.

Thanks anyway
Nigel

[Tone]

Yeah, well - at least you can learn something from this. All you can do is give her time and space, and hope she will give you another chance to show her you've changed.

Don't beg for another chance, don't use it as a tool to try to manipulate her to come back, just know what you did, chalk it up as another one of life's lessons learned the hard way, and if you do get lucky and she gives you another chance - use your new lifestyle as a way to ensure you don't lose her again.

Until then, be tough. You have to give her space and hope that while you're away she misses you - that's your ONLY chance of getting her back in my opinion.

Good luck, hope it works out for the best.

[nigel]

Thanks tone,
I'm really hoping i haven't screwed it up already, but like you say, I HAVe to give her time to decide.

Thanks for your help mate

Nigel

[ike]

I knew a nigel once, but it's not you - would indeed be a very small world if it was.

Talking of very small worlds, but then again there's the whole six degrees of separation thing, I had a huge number of coincidences and small world incidents at the weekend. It was very bizarre.

That said this thread's now about nigel, but in the last couple of hours, the hurt i've been feeling has gotten stronger than it has been for a couple of days and i feel like having the world swallow me up right now.

All i've got to stop myself from delusional despair is the ashamed selfishness that in the morning all i can do is feel even slightly better than the way i feel now.

Nigel, my thougts are with you.

[nigel]

HI Ike,
It's now wednesday morning, and again I awake without her beside me. This pain surely must go sometime, it's crazy.
She is acting like she has just discarded another hobby, that's what I was a 5 year hobby, but she got bored with it.

I'm trying so hard to not let it show that I care so much about her, I think I'm getting to the point of hatred for her for what she done to me.

At what point can I forget, and move on?

Cheers
Nigel

[whaywardj]

We all make choices that lead to what and who we find ourselves involved in. I don't know about anyone else, but remembering that I chose something that's led me to where I am has always helped me feel a little less despairing when where I am becomes an unhappy place to be.

[scallop]

when a girl says "I love you but am not IN love with you". I have often wondered what they really mean when they say that.

Does it mean "i dont love you really but dont want to make you feel bad" or is it "You dont give me butterflies anymore when i see you"??
Or something else??

If its the latter then i suspect the vast majority of women in relationships are not "in love" with their partners!!

[Junsui]

It means you care a lot about that person and want them to be happy and don't want to hurt them, but you don't want to be in a relationship with them anymore. The butterfly feeling won't last forever anyways, I see that as more infatuation than love. That's what I think, at least.

[Tone]

That said this thread's now about nigel, but in the last couple of hours, the hurt i've been feeling has gotten stronger than it has been for a couple of days and i feel like having the world swallow me up right now.

Some days WILL be harder than others - it's a process.

At what point can I forget, and move on?

Well you know what they say - the best way to move on is by findin someone else. But not everyone likes to go that route.. and if you're one of them then:

We all make choices that lead to what and who we find ourselves involved in. I don't know about anyone else, but remembering that I chose something that's led me to where I am has always helped me feel a little less despairing when where I am becomes an unhappy place to be.

Hayward always has such a great way with words - I can totally relate to this as well. You just have to realize, nigel, that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps you had to get out of this relationship to learn somethin so that you don't screw up your next relationship with someone EVEN BETTER than your last g/f. Someone who won't, after 5 years, tell you they are no longer IN love with you. You just have to realize that you just never really know what life is going to throw at you. Never know what the tide might roll in tomorrow.

[nigel]

I know you guys are right, and i think i'm finally understanding the Not in love with you bit, I think junsui is right, it means that they don't want to be in that relationship anymore. I just find it really hard to accept this, we've always had good times and bad, why has she suddenly decided that she wants out??

I think it would've been better if I could have gone, but as we're still living in the same house it's very difficult to avoid each other. And she still treats me like nothing's happened, only the other evening I said to her that I was going to get something to eat, she said "I can cook for you", I said "no it's ok", then she said "No really nigel it's no problem". What am I supposed to make of these things?

Before the break up she said to me "perhaps we shouldn't buy each other any christmas presents this year" I thought this to be fair enough as money has been tight, then out of the blue last night she said "Perhaps we should buy each other a small gift for christmas" again, what to make of it???

I know we have had a few rough times over the past year, and I will admit that neither of us has really paid much attention to each other, but it's been tough, and from talking to lots of people, most couples go through this at some stage in their lives, but they learn and build their relationship with this knowledge, but here it's a simple case of IT'S OVER?????

She's also coming up with caustic comments to me, I think this is to provoke a reaction, when I do react she says "Oh, I'm definately making the right desicion about us splitting" My head is just full of all sorts of things, I can't see what any of these things mean. All I know is that I DO love her.

Also we both smoke, but not in the house, and she constantly says, "are you coming out for a ciggy niggy" niggy is my pet name if you didn't guess, I thought she didn't want to be with me anymore, why on earth would she want me to join her for a cig??????

The last thing is what to do, do I act like nothing's happened, do I ask her again if we can try again, do I show my anger, or do I show my love?????

I hope my confusion is not too confusing, but I feel like a rubber ball being bounced against a wall

Nigel