My relationship is over

[indigosoul]

Your priority is your daughter, not some jealous ******* of a boyfriend who doesn't trust you as far as he can throw you. It's high time you realize that he isn't in this relationship for YOU, but because he is fulfilling his "obligation". This little setback has given him the perfect opportunity to escape!

Think about it...if he truly loved you and cared for you and trusted you, who would he be believing in this situation? His friends? Or the mother of his child? It seems like he has made up his mind. Now wake up and do what you have to do to get yourself back on track.

And the first step in doing that is ridding yourself of emotional attachment to this pig and moving on.

This is probably the best post I've seen on this. Totally agree with Cybog.

[Rosebud]

You know.. Cybog You guys only know what I tell you... And it's funny because I haven't told anyone all the shit he pulled in this relationship, why? Because I'm not a person that raggs on someone else to make myself look better. I don't care who sides with me or not or whether people agree with me or not. This is my life and this is what I have made for myself! ANd I come here becasue I need to figure things out and I do that by talking them out with people that listen. And no we have not been together becasue of an "obligation" as you put her which really hits a nerve on me Cybog. You don't have kids, you don't know what it's like being a parent and how parents truly feel about their kids! She never has been or never will be an Obligation, she is our child and she deserves the best in life whatever that is. I don't care if your a mod or not... I didn't like your post at all. and that's all I will say.

Nobody paid for me to go out. And I haven't been working becasue we didn't ahve money for child care and with his hours he would never see our daughter if I did. HIS CHOICE not mine!

Anyways, you guys can say what you want about me flirting with someone that I've known for a long time...I could care less. It was harmless and we both knew it. The funny thing is, there's a few people blaming me becasue someone decided they wanted to up theri own ego at someone else's expense! I don't care, think what you want. Yes it was wrong but i didn't lie abotu anything, I was honest and up front about it all.

I have looked back on our relationship several times and yes there has been trust issues on both ends from the start. But we weorked at it and became stronger. I tunred my head to a few things to avoid fights which was my own fault. But I ahve had people tell me that they directly slept with my BF while I was dating him, not to mention some of his friends told me as well. I was mad I talked to him about it he made something up we got past it.... but I flirt innocently whether it was right or wrong and I can't be believed or given a second chance.

Maybe he doesn't want to be with me and hasn't for awhile I don't know he never told me anything expect he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. MAybe he's looking for an excuse, I don't know. Right now, if he wants to believe his friends and think I cheated on him and not work all of our issues out together then I can't do a damn thing about it. It's in his court and whatever he choses..I'll deal with. I'm not perfect and everyone makes mistakes including him, but if you give up when things get rough you will never succeed at anything...but if he tells me after he has his space that he wants to work it out but then makes smart comments or puts blame all on me I'm done..

[Rosebud]

And there were parts of your post I agreed with Cybog or that make sense but why do I feel like I'm being attacked by you?

[Cybog]

You don't have kids, you don't know what it's like being a parent and how parents truly feel about their kids!

And how do you know this?

[indigosoul]

none of it matters now RoseB... what are you going to do NOW?

Everyone made some great points, even Cybog (tho I do think his delivery sucks), but as you say, noone really knows your relationship like you do. What you YOU want...for yourself and your daughter. THAT'S what matters now. Wish you all the best, RoseB.

[Late_vamp]

why is OV being an ass ? I think he's being honest , seriously if i had doubts on my woman and she would go flirting on top of that when im not around and she would know about me hating the whole flirting thing , then i would have to say either she is cheating on me or she's just a big idiot , either way she had it coming if she keept playing around like that .

Dont blame something you did on some other minor things , those are details . you knew he hated that and you knew he had doubts , then you still go around and keep doing the same thing , i know its better to learn from mistakes but some things are just obvious .

i dont mean to sound like an ass , im just being straight forward . I know you are a nice person roseb ... your intentions were not meant to be harmfull but you brought this on yourself , hopefully this will REALLY make you learn something and for all women here in LF who didnt know this also ... also Lying is bad , BAD ... it only causes problems and excuses also , why do so much shit and then regret . Your better off not doing anything "bad" and play it safe sometimes especially when you have a kid in play of your actions .

one advice for all women , never EVER lie to your lover/fiance especially father of son/daughter husband for something so stupid as this .

i hope that what you are saying is true and if it is that he calms down and listens to you and that he puts alot of thought into this , hopefully he will go back to you but i just hope you will be smart enough not to do something as foolish as this ever again .

it was so simple and clear , DO NOT MAKE ANYTHING to make him think you are cheating , and there you go after you already knew this , flirting with some guy . Wether you are much of a flirt or not is NOT an excuse .

i understand your bf/husband ...lover , completely and honestly , he has the right to act that way .

just my 2 cents .

[Cybog]

And there were parts of your post I agreed with Cybog or that make sense but why do I feel like I'm being attacked by you?

I told you why. There are a thousand threads that sound JUST LIKE this one every week about people who were skimming the surface and played Risk with their fragile relationships and lost.

Our relationships are what WE make of them - not by some mystical energy field or prayers that we whisper every night or candles that we light in a church building. WHO we are with and the relationships that we forge for OURSELVES are our OWN doings.

The situations that we face in life are presented before us for the most part because of OUR OWN ACTIONS, and unfortunately in the midst of everyone crying along with you, we haven't stopped to look at the very fabric of your relationship and what got us to THIS POINT to begin with.

This was a snowball that finally hit the bottom. Your boyfriend obviously has pent up emotions that for some reason he was never able to release or tell you. If 50 people came up to me right now and told me that my woman cheated on me, there isn't a smidgen of me that would believe it. Regardless of who said it. And you know WHY this is?

Because I TRUST the person I am with more than anyone. I actually am with someone who trusts me as well. Once that is lost, the relationship is doomed, as this snowball obviously was years ago - you have just been too preoccupied to see it.

[Lloyd95]

Rosie-You have to see it from our side of the computer screen; we don't know how everything works in your relationship, nor do we say we do. Ease up on Cybog. I thnk he made very valid points.

[indigosoul]

why is OV being an ass ?

B/c he was only pointing a finger. Fault finding after the fact. Useless, unless its helping towards a solution to the CURRENT situation. I'm sure RB knows what's what. I'm also sure that there are always two sides to any story, and I have no doubt that RB's SO has his own issues. NO woman (or man) cheats or whatever (I know you didn't, hun, just making a point) unless there is something wrong with the relationship. And for THAT to be true, takes two.

Again, tho I don't like Cybogs delivery, many of his points are valid and, most importantly, point towards a SOLUTION. Its SOOOOO trivial to find fault. So difficult to actually think enough to DO something about it.

OVs points were neither valid (I don't think she said she cheated) nor useful. This is why I think he was being an ass...

[Mish]

Rosie, you know what's interesting. Is how we sometimes subconsciously sabotage our relationships without even realizing it. I subconsciously sabotaged a relationship in the the past because I could not trust the person I was with and my contempt for her finally brought our relationship to an end. I did not trust her, however at the same time she was not worthy of my trust becuase of her actions, promiscuity and ways of thinking and thus she wasn't right for me, subconsciously i knew this without realizing it and thus subcosnciously I made moves that would effectively end our relationship. I know now that I did the right thing. The point is, sometimes our subconscious can be wiser than our rational thinking.

I Hope this makes any sense at all

[meh]

I couldn't agree with Late_vamp any more than I do.

I don't know you but from what you told me here about your relationship, then if you expect, in the case of staying together, that he doesn't annoy you with this thing in the future or blame it all on you, then you can't justify the current situation NOW using things he did in the past that you considered to have worked out. When you work something out you do it in such a way that it is a settled issue in both your minds, not something to eat at you. Either you didn't work out your problems right in the past or you are trying to find some sort of justification for your actios, or a way to make his reaction seem unfair.

From a guy's point of view, I'd have to say that, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, this is just my way of looking at things - that you made quite a few mistakes. Before I go into this, I'd just like to know how he ended up being the "pig". Perhaps the person who stated that can better explain it.

Either way, things I think you did wrong:

- flirting while you KNEW he didn't like that / approve of that
- giving him an ultimatum
- most importantly, saying that if he answer was no you would be packed up and gone

Now, the reason I am mentionning this is because maybe you can better understand his mindset and use it to make him understand the situation - mellow him out.
Think of it this way: he goes to work and works "day in day out" to provide for you and your daughter, you've had issues, he may have cheated on you (and let's face it, you yourself said you can't prove that - it's other people's words against his just like it is in this situation with your words) but that is in the past. He then finds out from other people that you slept around with some guy - instead of you being able to say "no baby I didn't do anything", he hears "yes I flirted with him".
You need to understand his reactions and not pressure him into a response.
You need to cut the email crap and talk to him in person.
You need to cut the ultimatum crap and tell him how much you love him and want him in your life and you wouldn't do anything to jeoperdize your relationship (only if this is how you feel, though - if it's not, then you shouldn't even be posting this).
You need to be humble at least until he turns around (yes I know how it sounds, and YOU know what really happened (or didn't happen, actually) but you need think of what he knows and sees)) - you can't be the one that's angry or upset or utterly frustrated - quite frankly, it's his turn.
You need to stop crying, give him some more time to think it through, if he mails you again (which I doubt he will other than to give you his final response, judging by your last email) just tell him you want to talk to him in person.

Anyway, I hope I didn't come across as being to much of an *******, it wasn't my intention, I just wanted to try to make you understand how he's probably feeling.

P.S.: Of course if he wants and has been wanting a break-up for a long time and has just now found a reason, there's not much you can do about it.

[Hugo Pickle]

I agree completely with Mish’s statement: “Rosie, you know what's interesting. Is how we sometimes subconsciously sabotage our relationships without even realizing it.”

Rosie, I know that I told you that I would not respond to your posts about your life, but this post is not your usual situation. Nor are my comments different from what has all ready been stated by others which is why I am posting them. You have said the following things that only reinforce to me what Cybog has said: “Sorry Rose, but if I read this in the Dating or Breakup section, myself and half a dozen other people would be telling you that it was doomed from the beginning.”

He says he sees how I am when I hang out with other people and we have been through this before

Really? And how do you see yourself Rosie when you hang out with other people? Read the statement that you have placed under your own sign on name, “If you can’t take the thorns, don’t crave the rose.” You have basically been telling this to him and everyone else that you meet for a long time. The real question is, why do you keep putting thorns in your relationships? You know full well that they make you bleed tears and pain just as much as everyone else may be.

But we both have been down this road about 3 years ago. I told him right off the bat I flirted and that's why he's so upset. But I wasn't trying to get down this guy's pants... both of us are flirts. Not that it's an excuse, but I would never jeopardize us ever

If you’ve been down this road before, then why travel it again? You told him right off the bat that you’re a flirt. Do you know what that is saying to your supposed significant other? That is saying screw you, I will do what I want, either put up with it or **** off, either way I don’t care. But now apparently you do care. I guess the only one that you were really hurting all this time was yourself. But there is hope for you.

See this is why I felt so bad you guys? I'm never drinking again, and I'm never going out with anyone ever again. Why does this always happen to me? I work so hard to make us so strong and I **** it up by being stupid once!

It wasn’t the alcohol. It wasn’t the other guy. It was you. Your now ex-boyfriend is trying to tell you this, but you are the one who isn’t listening to him. You say that he never listens to you, well he heard you this time. You told him that he and your relationship together is not important to you.

If I know him like I think I do it's going to go one of two ways. He's done with me for good and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say

Are you sure you’re not really getting what you really wanted all along? You knew what would happen. The alcohol, the other guy, the situation, it was all just enabling you to do what you wanted to do that’s all.

In our first 2 years we broke up a lot, I lied a few times to him, and he slept around (can't prove though).

I don’t have to say anything on this one…

See now this is how I look at it... I was stupid for flirting and here he is working day in and day out to provide for us and working his butt off so I can stay at home and take care of her... I'm horrible!

You’re not horrible, you’re just human. You’re not an ax murderer and you’re not raising children to be suicide terrorists for blood money, so, try not to be too hard on yourself. Yes you were stupid if you didn’t want to end this relationship, but I think you really did want to end it. I think that you just wanted to end it so badly that you never considered the repercussions of your desperate actions. Now that’s the foremost on your mind.

I know things happen for a reason and that's how I'm trying to think right now. The thing I'm crying over is how I could let myself be so dependent upon someone else. This is why I never did it before.

Really? I don’t think that’s why you’re crying. I think you’re crying because you wasted so much time and heart ache on wrong the person and you waited a long time to do something about it. Live and learn, that’s what we all have to do, things generally get better as we travel along.

so I replied to him in one last and final email basically saying I have forgiven a lot and more than I ever told him and he has never been perfect but I worked to make it work

That’s like saying, “I’m no saint, but neither are you” “If you can’t deal with this then good because I am tired of wasting my life with you anyway.” That’s what I think anyway.

but if he's done with us then I want him to tell me now and I will pack up our stuff tonight and find somewhere else to live this weekend and move on with myself and my daughter's life.

Really? Not wasting any more time huh. You cry and say you screwed up, but what do you do about it? You take the first opportunity that he gives you to pack up and get out. Do you really think that your statement gives the message across that you want to work things out? Of course not, I think that you two have been lying to each other from day one and the both of you are just tired of living a lie.

THIS SUCKS! I won't even know where to go, I know I always have family but whoever I live with I'm going to be a major burden. NEVER DEPEND ON ANYONE ELSE! Lesson learned!!!!!!!!!!!

Never depend on anyone ever again? Sorry sweet heart, we both know that’s not true. Life just is not like that, the key is to be honest with yourself and be careful who you trust. But most importantly, trust is give and take. You are the one who said from day one to your boyfriend, “I flirt with other men”. That’s no different than saying, “I am telling you right now that you cannot trust me, and if you do, then you’re the fool.”

Anyways, you guys can say what you want about me flirting with someone that I've known for a long time...I could care less. It was harmless and we both knew it I don't care, think what you want. Yes it was wrong but I didn't lie about anything, I was honest and up front about it all.

You said it sweetie, you don’t care. That is the whole point of what has happened to you. No, you didn’t lie. You told him from day one that he should never be serious about you because you will only hurt him because you don’t give a shit. Well fine, then why cry about getting what you wanted all along?

Take this moment in your life to reflect on who you really are and what you really want out of life. Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself and other people? Next time you date someone be honest with yourself as much as you say you’re honest with someone else. If you really want help in your situation than I can put you in touch with someone I know that is a single mom with 2 jobs trying to raise a son by herself.

[alice]

rose, i'm late again, but head up, sweetheart!
your 1 night out, even if you were drunk and flirted with that guy, could never have been a real threat to your relationship if it wasn't doomed already. stop blaming yourself, it's not your fault that this guy is a jealous, self-righteous son-of-a-*****. (i hate to call the father of your child that, but, sorry, that's how he's coming across through your posts, even though you do the best you can not to make him look too bad.)
judging by what you've told us, i would say: it ought to be you who dumps him, even if it means having to go through a very hard time for a while – once you're settled you'll find you'll be much better off without him.

[Hugo Pickle]

Now the good part, life is new for you now Rosebud or at least try to think of it that way. You learned something about yourself. Hopefully, if you work on you then things will get better. These are the lyrics to a u2 song called, "One Step Closer"

I'm 'round the corner from anything that's real
I'm across the road from hope
I'm under a bridge in a rip tide
That's taken everything I call my own

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing

I'm on an island at a busy intersection
I can't go forward, I can't turn back
Can't see the future
It's getting away from me
I just watch the tail lights glowing

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
Knowing, knowing

I'm hanging out to dry
With my old clothes
Finger still red with the prick of an old rose
Well the heart that hurts
Is a heart that beats
Can you hear the drummer slowing?

One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
One step closer to knowing
To knowing, to knowing, to knowing

In short, you’re one step closer to knowing yourself. Smell the roses. I think you should buy yourself a dozen of them and just squeeze them all together in your hand and smell them all right under your nose. This will do two things. First, you will have a greater understanding of what you’ve been telling others to do when it concerns you. Second, you will appreciate the fragrance so much more, but as your hands take days to heal, you will learn never to do that again. Then maybe you will not demand that others have to suffer through so many thorns in order to be with you. And you shouldn't think that you have to suffer through so many for someone else as well. Good luck, but luck has nothing to do with it.

[meh]

I find it unbelieavable how you all (not ALL) can make him out to be the son of a ***** pig who should be dumped. Except for late_vamp and hugo to some extent, you are all either too biased or too concerned with giving the OP a pat on the back instead of trying to help her fix things. Calling him the son of a ***** and the one who is guilty is NOT going to help the situation.

And as Hugo pointed out, neither is telling him that you aren't waiting around for him, you're packing up and you are gone - that sends a clear message across that your relationship isn't really all that important. If I were your boyfriend, that would piss me off more than the flirting or the rumors, to tell you the truth.