does he deserve a 2nd chance?

[bluesummer]

if you love someone like this, would you stay and try to help?

I've done that Jasmin. My bf had alllll sorts of issues related to his childhood and blah blah blah. I thought with love and time, and support, I could help him. WRONG. I just kept getting burned again and again. He didn't learn enough for it to make a real difference in his life, or to our relationship.

It's not your job to play psychologist for him. You owe him nothing....and don't think just because you are dating it is your responsibility to put up with disrespect just because you love him and think 'no one else understands him'. These are things he can only learn on his own, and he won't unless he gets taught a hard lesson.

[yellowjasmin]

I've done that Jasmin. My bf had alllll sorts of issues related to his childhood and blah blah blah. I thought with love and time, and support, I could help him. WRONG. I just kept getting burned again and again. He didn't learn enough for it to make a real difference in his life, or to our relationship.

It's not your job to play psychologist for him. You owe him nothing....and don't think just because you are dating it is your responsibility to put up with disrespect just because you love him and think 'no one else understands him'. These are things he can only learn on his own, and he won't unless he gets taught a hard lesson.

I understand. I've had friends who are in the same situation. I know what I got myself into, but it's still so hard to get out.

[bluesummer]

Knowing is half the battle.

It took me two years to finally cut myself off from him, and I wish I'd had the guts to do it sooner. Do yourself a favor and don't be like me. You'll kick yourself for it.

[TAVS]

You're right. Ditch him. He doesn't deserve to be happy and have someone care about him.

[yellowjasmin]

You're right. Ditch him. He doesn't deserve to be happy and have someone care about him.

he is not a bad guy. he has his good sides and bad sides. Knowing how he is and who he is, I think he deserves to have someone cares for him. It's just hard for me right now either stay or leave.

[shh!]

I vote you leave him. If he doesn't realize by the age of 27 that he is supposed to act respectfully to the parents who gave life to the girl he loves, he will never get it. Anyway, I doubt this is really a "second" chance. I bet there have been many other instances of his behaving inappropriately. Your father must be devastated to know his beloved daughter is involved with such a knucklehead.

Do yourself a favor and don't settle for a fixer-up of a man. By you drawing clear boundaries, you will help him to realize there are consequences to his actions.

[TAVS]

You do this just to F' with us don't you Shh!

[shh!]

Hi TAVS! Your avatar is scary...

[bluesummer]

You're right. Ditch him. He doesn't deserve to be happy and have someone care about him.

That's right. He deserves to have someone care about him while he makes their life more difficult. Lord.

I'm not saying he doesn't deserved to be cared about.....feel anything you want towards him. Be a good FRIEND. But you don't have to date him.

I'm telling you Jasmin, from painful experience.....I love my ex still and want him to be happy. I tried for three years to be his girlfriend while dealing with his 'issues', and I never got back what I put into the relationship. So, I still care about him, but I care about myself too. That's the most important. Do you think his happiness is more important than yours?? It shouldn't be. Don't be a martyr.

[yellowjasmin]

That's right. He deserves to have someone care about him while he makes their life more difficult. Lord.

I'm not saying he doesn't deserved to be cared about.....feel anything you want towards him. Be a good FRIEND. But you don't have to date him.

I'm telling you Jasmin, from painful experience.....I love my ex still and want him to be happy. I tried for three years to be his girlfriend while dealing with his 'issues', and I never got back what I put into the relationship. So, I still care about him, but I care about myself too. That's the most important. Do you think his happiness is more important than yours?? It shouldn't be. Don't be a martyr.

You are absolutely right. And Shh! was right also. This isn't the 2nd chance. Gosh, I lost count to how many instances that I had put up with just because I was trying to "understand" his situation. But this one way past my limit. I've been burned for the last two years...but still had faith he'll change one day. Well, he has tried to be a little considerate toward me, but still not good enough to make me feel truly happy about this relationship. There were times I felt EXACTLy like you, bluesummer-the feeling your love is not appreciated and the more you try the more you get nothing out of it but pains. I totally understand how you feel. Life does go on. Maybe one day it's a different story. but for now, I totally see that I need to love myself more and let him learn a good lesson.
I truly appreciate all of you taking time to help me see things clearly.
Like bluesummer said, knowing is only half bottle. The other half is my strength to take a step forward and move on.
It's so sad to see two people do love each other, but one had to do something to mess it up. *sign*

[Kieran]

Sounds to me like you're either Indian or Asian.. or one of those mad countries that makes you stay married or marry donkeys and so on.

So I'm not surprised that he is having this reaction.. In your culture it is likely that a man that is not seen to mourn his lost partner to an adequate level is not to be respected. Did your dad cheat on your mum? It sounds like your BF is just acting the way in which your strict, unreasonable society has raised him.

Let me know if I'm way off the mark.

[yellowjasmin]

Sounds to me like you're either Indian or Asian.. or one of those mad countries that makes you stay married or marry donkeys and so on.

So I'm not surprised that he is having this reaction.. In your culture it is likely that a man that is not seen to mourn his lost partner to an adequate level is not to be respected. Did your dad cheat on your mum? It sounds like your BF is just acting the way in which your strict, unreasonable society has raised him.

Let me know if I'm way off the mark.

you are absolutely right. I'm Asian and my bf is Asian. But I consider myself very Americanized on the family aspects. My bf, on another hand, is somewhat still soak in the asian family culture and thinks that when a man neglect his wife it's a felony, just like murdering. My Dad left my Mom when I was 2 months old and was not in the picture until recently-25 yrs later, 7 yrs after my Mom past away. So yeah, to my bf my father does not deserve any respect and has no right to ask him about "future".
So, you see, I understand why things happened the way it did. But I don't think there should be any excuses for my bf to treat my dad like that infront of me. You get what I'm saying?

[shh!]

You know, this latest bit of info almost made me change my mind, but in the end, you said he has a problem treating even his own parents with respect, and ultimately, whether he approves of your father's past or not, your father was your guest, and he had no right to treat him so shamefully.

[yellowjasmin]

You know, this latest bit of info almost made me change my mind, but in the end, you said he has a problem treating even his own parents with respect, and ultimately, whether he approves of your father's past or not, your father was your guest, and he had no right to treat him so shamefully.

exactly, that's why it's a big deal for me, even when i know th inside story of why my bf acted the way he did.

[Kieran]

*Gives self gold star for perception*

Thought as much.

It's difficult for those of Western heritage to offer advice on such "foreign" issues. His logic will not work the same as ours as he has been raised on completely different value systems. I would say accept that he has difficulties with your father due to the apparent "lack of honour" as he sees it. Also try to be a bit more understanding of the fact that your BF's Religion/beliefs will be very important to him.

However. It does sound like your Boyfriend is playing on these beliefs a little bit. So.. my solution; Keep your Father and Boyfriend seperate. It may sound harsh but it is the best way to ensure you never receive such treatment again (regarding THIS issue) and to make sure that your Father does not feel unwelcome.

Best of Luck