Whats his problem?

[Glyph]

Having babies changes relationship dynamics. It freaks people out.

I heard something interesting a while back. My daughter's principal told me that most divorces happen after two years or after 25 years. Two years is when the babies start to come and 25 years is when they finally all leave the nest. Fascinating, no?

Sounds just about right. Things started to come apart for my ex and I when my son was starting to toddle.

Better sooner than later.

[vashti]

Having babies changes relationship dynamics. It freaks people out.

The original poster is just a kid herself. If her B/F is her age, I am not the least bit surprised he is freaking out.

[youreit]

I agree with almost everything that everyone has said..harsh or not it's all been .. pretty much true.

You say that he locks the door now when he goes to the bathroom and whatnot...the more you complain about it, the more he's going to think you are doing the control thing and he's going to keep doing it. If you show it doesn't bother you, maybe he'll stop.

The smoking thing would most definitely piss me off, too. I mean if it's who he was when you met him and you got with him, that's different. But if you guys talked about it when you got together, about how you don't date smokers, and then he starts up...I just don't see that as okay. I mean, as said above, you love him for him ... but maybe there's a reason he picked up smoking? Is he stressed about something? Maybe that's what has turned him to smoking. Don't tell him he can't do something..just talk to him about it.

And..does he not like the fact that you've gotten rid of the weight after the baby? Not something someone who loves you should be pissed about, but it could very well be that.

And maybe there is a reason he's doing all of this...the emotional thing...he thinks youre settling. There's clearly something up, but you won't get anywhere without communication.

Don't nag him about the bathroom thing. It's not abnormal that he wants to do it in privacy, maybe he's always felt uncomfortable about it but loved you so didn't care to do it..but then the fact that you get mad about it makes him feel a little more uncomfortable..

Like I said, I wouldn't worry there's someone else...but if you don't talk about it, then there might be someone else later. Don't stress out about it.

My boyfriend told me in the past that it's a turn off for a girl to constantly be depressed...it doesn't give the guy a desire to have sex.

Don't stress out or worry too much more until you've spoken with him. I'm sure he can sense the stress and it's not helping the situation. Maybe he's just stressed out about something..maybe it's not even you. Don't jump to conclusions..guys hate that.

[Misslissa]

Ok I want to say first off, he doesnt care that i gained alittle bit of weight. He is chubby himself, always has been. I have about 15lbs to lose to get back to my prebaby weight. He is alwasy telling me that he doesnt mind that i gained a few lbs, but i have been to the gym many times, its just hard to have a steady babysitter to keep going. So I know its not weight that is the issue. Which is being solved anyways, I just bought an Ellipitcal this past saturday.

I never looked at it as i was nagging him like a mother. But i can see how i do. Especially about the cigars. And he does smoke in the house, all the way on the other side of the house, but in the house at that. So i think i have every right to be upset about that. When we first met I did discuss with him how i felt about smokers as did he, and we both didnt like smokers. One of things we had in common. Granted people change, but id rather him change in another way instead of a way that can kill him faster.

I know for a fact there isnt another woman. He never really goes anywhere to be with another woman, he is alwasy home with us. If he does go out its not for long. I always tell him to go out with his friends, but he perfers to stay home with us and have his friends come over. Whatever, i dont care. He knows he can go out as much as he wants, he chooses not to.

As for the bathroom issue. When we first met, it was him that told me "You know you love me when you can take a shit in front of me" I thought it was disgusting, but of course i fell in love with him and we jsut didnt care. He walks in on me all the time still, i dont care. I love him.

[Misslissa]

No, no, no. She said he thought she was settling for him, like she had given up on finding true passion and just was with him because he was the father of her child. He thinks she doesn't really want him.

This is exactly what he meant. That he thinks im just setteling for him becaue he is my sons father. He said he wants me to be happy and if I dont think im happy with him, then I shouldnt stay with him because life is to short.

But thats not how i feel.

[Misslissa]

The original poster is just a kid herself. If her B/F is her age, I am not the least bit surprised he is freaking out.

thank you but i am not a child, and he is 4 years older than me.

[The Great OV!!!]

This is exactly what he meant. That he thinks im just setteling for him becaue he is my sons father. He said he wants me to be happy and if I dont think im happy with him, then I shouldnt stay with him because life is to short.

But thats not how i feel.

Then you have to express yourself. Let him know that you are not there just because he is the father of the kid.

[Glyph]

This is exactly what he meant. That he thinks im just setteling for him becaue he is my sons father. He said he wants me to be happy and if I dont think im happy with him, then I shouldnt stay with him because life is to short.

But thats not how i feel.

He's projecting. Trust me, something is up. I think that being a father and close to marriage is freaking him out, and he's got a guilt complex about it, he doesn't want to be "the bad guy". He's trying to nudge you into doubting whether or not you're really happy with him when he's the one who probably has the majority of the doubts himself.

If nothing else, with this going on so soon before you're scheduled to be married, DON'T. Do not take a walk down that aisle, not yet and not for a while. Get some things worked out with him and give yourselves time to adjust IF you manage to work them out. You need to sit him down one day, if possible, and have a long talk. You need to ask him what put this idea in his head that you're just "settling" for him, and whether or not it might mean he actually feels that HE is the one settling for YOU. Get your feelings out in the open, and try to get his out, too.

[vashti]

thank you but i am not a child, and he is 4 years older than me.

Hmm. When you are as old as me, then 21 looks like a kid. So does 25 for a male. I meant no disrespect - I just know that it is a tough age to have so much responsibility since so many of your peers don't.

Anyway - cigars in the house? That would be a problem for me. Your baby shouldn't be breathing it. Tell him you will quit nagging him since he is old enough to make his own choices, but he MUST do it outside for the sake of the baby. If the weather is bad, he might be less inclined to do it.

[Misslissa]

He's projecting. Trust me, something is up. I think that being a father and close to marriage is freaking him out, and he's got a guilt complex about it, he doesn't want to be "the bad guy". He's trying to nudge you into doubting whether or not you're really happy with him when he's the one who probably has the majority of the doubts himself.

If nothing else, with this going on so soon before you're scheduled to be married, DON'T. Do not take a walk down that aisle, not yet and not for a while. Get some things worked out with him and give yourselves time to adjust IF you manage to work them out. You need to sit him down one day, if possible, and have a long talk. You need to ask him what put this idea in his head that you're just "settling" for him, and whether or not it might mean he actually feels that HE is the one settling for YOU. Get your feelings out in the open, and try to get his out, too.

thank you. thats really good advice

[Misslissa]

Hmm. When you are as old as me, then 21 looks like a kid. So does 25 for a male. I meant no disrespect - I just know that it is a tough age to have so much responsibility since so many of your peers don't.

Anyway - cigars in the house? That would be a problem for me. Your baby shouldn't be breathing it. Tell him you will quit nagging him since he is old enough to make his own choices, but he MUST do it outside for the sake of the baby. If the weather is bad, he might be less inclined to do it.

im sorry i see what you mean about the age then. I am still young, so i can see why you would say that. I apologize


I had told him before that he and smoke if he wants, but i dont want him smoking in the house affecting my health and our sons. He agreed, but still does it. He doesnt do it around our son. He said that when the weather gets better he will be doing it outside, and i trust he will because thast what he did last year. Ugh i see my self just finding more and more things to complain about him and i shouldnt.

[Gigabitch]

Ha. My ex tried to smoke in the house.


Once.

[Taranee]

I can’t give you any better advice. If you want better advice you will have to share more details.

I have been with my fiancee for over 3 years now. We have a 21 month old son also. Well lately for the past few months, nothing seems right. He has changed completely. He started up smoking these disgusting cigars. And everytime i ask him why he says "i dont know, why cant you love me for me" And i do. But i didnt fall in love with a smoker. Thats one of things i liked about him when i did first meet him.

I find it strange that he started smoking now. Everyone I know that smokes usually start at a fairly young age. Therefore I think there is more to this. For instance has he changed his friends recently? Is he hanging out with people who do drugs?

But lately now, hehas been locking the door to take a shower and do number 2. I asked him about it today and he said "i dont know, its a control issue" I said to him, "But you were never like that before, why the change, i love you, i dont care what you do in the bathroom."

Again this alerts me. The first thing that I thought while reading this is: he’s cheating on you. I have a feeling he’s trying to hide something from you. It could be that he cheated on you with a whore and possibly has an STD’s or something and THAT’S why he’s being secretive. That could also be a reason for him not wanting to be intimate. Also he could be locking it because he wants to masturbate? How do you know for sure that he was dropping his excessive wastes? I mean do you go in there afterwards to inspect the bathroom to make sure the droppings have landed? “aha, yes I smell it. I see it. You may now be excused…”

I can feel us drifting apart so much, and i dont want us to. We doesnt want to touch me anymore, he neevr kisses me anymore. He knows that i am extremely depressed lately about my image (i barely lost any baby weight in 2 years), and i am trying so hard to get bback to my prebaby stage. But he is just making it worse for me. I tell him all the time that i love him, but he tells me that he thinks i am just settleing for him, and that i just THINK i need to be with him because of our son. . Its not true.

He doesn’t want to touch you. In other words he’s acting as if you have an incurable disease. Which is of course BAD. You have to try and find out what the real reason is.

I dont know what to do make him see that i do love him. and that i do want to marry him still. We had a date planned for next year to go on a cruise and get married there, but im so scared none of this isnt goig to happen. He is my life, my best friend. I have lost 2 friends over him already. I love him.

BAD. BAD. BAD. Of course he’s saying you are settling. You’re showing that to him. You are way too available for him!! My advice:
#1: Take a deep breath and CALM DOWN!!! You’re stressing so much. It’s not good for your health and for your weight. If you continue like this you will ‘gain’ more weight instead of losing it! Also: you should work out because you want to feel good about yourself not because of any man! You are the one that has to walk around in that body 24/7. Therefore you’re the rightful owner. You can do as you please with it. Also he IS also just as responsible for the way you look now. Unless of course you made yourself pregnant.

#2: STOP complaining/nagging to him. Stop the “Do you love still love me? I love you. Why do you smoke? Stop it. Stop!” Guys don’t like that. Guys don’t want to hear that. Do you want him to like you more? Yes? Well then, stop it. Go to this forum if you feel the urge to complain/nag. Call a friend if you have to. But don’t under any circumstance whine or complain to him. It does not make you look attractive!

#3: He is an adult. You are not his mother. Therefore he can do whatever he wants. I know a woman who has been trying to force her husband to stop smoking for years. And he still smokes. Conclusion: Save your breath and just learn to deal with it.

#4: You are stressing way too much about getting him to love you, kiss you, marry you blablabla. Clearly you’re not happy about yourself. Soooo… work on that. You are basically focusing on the ‘wrong’ things. You have to focus on you instead of him. When was the last time you got to wear sexy lingerie? When was the last time you wore make-up? Work those appearances. Act as if you’re Marilyn Monroe (for example). Look like her. Dress like her. FEEEEEL like her. Ignore your man, stop groveling at his feet. Act like you’re out there looking for men. “You wanna be loved by them.”

Men all want a desirable woman. They want to be the only one who has sex with her. They want what they can’t have. In other words: a challenge. They will do everything they can to get it. And once you give it to them the game isn’t fun anymore. When you do anything for guys they don’t want to play anymore. In your case he locks the door and sticks a cigar in his mouth. Show him that you’re still a woman. Show him that you are desirable. And then he will run after you again. And when he finally does STAY desirable at all costs. Never ever show him you are insecure or unhappy. From now on you are happy! Act happy + confident! Repeat after me: I am a desirable confident woman. I am happy with myself and my life.

p.s. hide a camera in de bathroom. That way you can find out why he locks it and what he's doing in there. And don't forget to come back here so we can help you analyze his behavior in the bathroom.

[vashti]

hahaha!

(I hope that was a joke.)

[Glyph]

Had to be.

Since it's the 21st century, it HAD to be.