I'm getting fed up of this feeling...

[Desdemona]

Well it looks like the person I am currently interested in and is already taken and is very unlikely to return the feelings, but like an idiot, yet again, I got my hopes up when my friends seemed to observe he may have been interested in me, but I guess there's no point in causing hassle by confessing my feelings. Once again, a very familiar feeling prevails...I shouldn't take it personally, but again there is that anger and frustration, of trying to find someone, of not trying, of thinking about it, of not thinking about it, of 'plenty of fish in the sea', of 'you are young', of 'give it time', of people talking about relationships when I have never had one, of hoping, of not hoping, of being realistic, of having fantasies, I am really truly effing flipping fed up of it all, and I don't know what to do with having to deal with these feelings again and again and again...

[Desdemona]

This has turned into a conversation with myself... I guess there is nothing more to be said...

[Aeradalia]

I can be quite analytical at times as well... however in matters of love and attraction... I've learned that using the mind when needed is good... but only to keep the heart on track.

Perhaps you are over-analyzing the situation and not allowing your emotions and intent to show through clearly. Sometimes you just have to take a chance... regardless of what you brain says or fears will happen. The pain is temporary and the prize you wish to have is undoubtedly worth it...

Other things in life can be learned from watching the actions of others or reading a book... but in matters of love and attraction... these lessons can only be learned through personal experience.

[Desdemona]

I can be quite analytical at times as well... however in matters of love and attraction... I've learned that using the mind when needed is good... but only to keep the heart on track.

Perhaps you are over-analyzing the situation and not allowing your emotions and intent to show through clearly. Sometimes you just have to take a chance... regardless of what you brain says or fears will happen. The pain is temporary and the prize you wish to have is undoubtedly worth it...

Other things in life can be learned from watching the actions of others or reading a book... but in matters of love and attraction... these lessons can only be learned through personal experience.

In my current situation I'd really love to take a chance, but logic says that it'll make things worse (I guess that's the analytical side!). I have really fallen for someone (for the first time in 2 years, it doesn't happen often!) but typically, he's already taken. However my friends and I have observed possible signs of interest in me (although the key words being 'possible'), such as approaching me in particular in groups, or (apparently) seeming shyer around me, and not seeming to give much attention to his girlfriend, in public. Due to this it is not a 100% certainty that he would not be interested, but due to being in a relationship already, it is probably quite likely he is not. While I would love to take a chance to admit my feelings, and at least know for sure either way, it seems rather selfish for me to do so for my own ends while making things awkward, especially as I know his girlfriend too, so it's just a case of bottling up all my feelings, resulting in all this frustration. It just seems every time that if I ever have feelings for somebody, that what I feel is worth jack shit because they are never reciprocated or result in any kind of development of a relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

Oops. Well, this is a situation where I'd advise you listen to your head. If he does like you back, then he's cheating on his GF. And the old 'they will do it to you' would apply.

If he doesn't, and you admit to feelings, you'll just embarrass yourself.

Either way, you end up hurt. Let go your feelings for this one & move on to someone available.

[Desdemona]

Oops. Well, this is a situation where I'd advise you listen to your head. If he does like you back, then he's cheating on his GF. And the old 'they will do it to you' would apply.

If he doesn't, and you admit to feelings, you'll just embarrass yourself.

Either way, you end up hurt. Let go your feelings for this one & move on to someone available.

I guess that means waiting another couple of years or so until there's somebody I'll find again... I know I should be ok in time, but at the moment I just have all this familiar frustration and hurt with nowhere to offload it (I hardly want to burden people I know with such angst). I feel like I have UNDATEABLE stamped on my forehead. I'm not one of those girls who sits around waiting for the man to make the move, either - I don't believe in that so if I have had feelings for someone, I've eventually admitted it, but has never worked out - nobody to my knowledge has even showed interest in me, bar one person who asks everyone out, and random people much older than me who are just interested me because I am there, and not for much else. It would kind of make sense if I were a social outcast and had difficulty socialising, but as I have mentioned, I feel pretty confident when socialising normally, or when it comes to making friends, of any gender.

[IndiReloaded]

The fact that you aren't dating while in Japan might be a blessing in disguise. Or at least not dating seriously. Think about what will happen if you get caught up in an LTR and then have to go home. Either of you.

I know someone who is going thru this with a GF in Japan and I feel really bad for both of them. Either someone is going to have to make a huge sacrifice or they won't make it. Sucks.

So, its all a matter of perspective really. You are quite attractive, so I would just relax and make a conscious decision to keep things light. And who knows what might happen then?

[CompletePimp]

You could have just put up the pic and saved the big essay...

My advice? Tweeze a bit more and put on some makeup. (Being 100% honest, because theres no point being nice on a forum, I'm sure you are looking for something more constructive than 'oh it's all good someone will come along!')

Me and my ex of 2 years broke up in March of this year, 1.5 months later I found someone else. It's very easy. Look your best (which you do not, you can be much better [AGAIN, HONESTY]) and put yourself out there - clubs, bars etc. You will be surprised because I met my GF at a club, she is 3 years older, has a degree, stable high paying career and even owns her own house at the age of 25. So yes, you can meet GOOD, normal and nice people at places like clubs and bars. Its not just for trashy people.

[Desdemona]

You could have just put up the pic and saved the big essay...

My advice? Tweeze a bit more and put on some makeup. (Being 100% honest, because theres no point being nice on a forum, I'm sure you are looking for something more constructive than 'oh it's all good someone will come along!')

Me and my ex of 2 years broke up in March of this year, 1.5 months later I found someone else. It's very easy. Look your best (which you do not, you can be much better [AGAIN, HONESTY]) and put yourself out there - clubs, bars etc. You will be surprised because I met my GF at a club, she is 3 years older, has a degree, stable high paying career and even owns her own house at the age of 25. So yes, you can meet GOOD, normal and nice people at places like clubs and bars. Its not just for trashy people.

Actually, I am wearing makeup in that picture, it's just that it's subtle so it doesn't look like it's caked on. (I also actually did pluck my eyebrows fairly soon after that picture, ironically!)
I do go out and "put myself out there", I make an effort to approach people, and as I have mentioned before, have no problem making friends, and feel confident socialising in general, but I never get interest in 'that' way, beyond people finding me attractive on a superficial level. It's not 'easy' at all if nothing ever happens no matter how much I put myself out there, as I can't control what somebody else feels. To me, not being able to have has become almost an incontrovertible reality, and it's hard to shake off the belief that I can't be loved by anybody. I know logically that is nonsense and that I am perfectly capable of being in a relationship - they key word being I KNOW this, but I don't FEEL it. It's also as if my feelings are worth jack shit because they are never reciprocated, which just makes me feel like a lovesick idiot each time.
Sorry...I figured venting on forum is better than burdening people with it in real life...

[TheGreek]

I can understand where your coming from. But, maybe there's a way to get more involved. I know being in Japan makes it more complicated but maybe you can get more socially involved. Is there any kind of a club that you'd be interested in joining? Any interesting guys in class that you kind of have a thing for? If so, ask them to help you study for something. Don't be afraid of being assertive. An assertive girl who doesn't play games is a CATCH! Best of luck to you.

[Mish]

I didn`t say it was necessarily `not it` but merely how I feel I come across, and I initially described how I could possibly be perceived according to others.
I have tried putting myself out there and at least trying dates, but again, they do not `lead` anywhere, which is fair enough, but it means really that it is not a great help, and I feel that I don`t want to dwell too much on finding somebody, as all it has resulted in has been unreturned feelings in one form or another and general disappointment and/or despair if I have had feelings for somebody.

And? You just quit?

Think about it like, learning how to walk. You know, when you are little and you try to walk you stumble and you fall down. Then you get up again and you stumble again and fall down. Then you get up again, then you stumble and fall down. Sounds pretty useless doesn't it? Why continue getting up just to stumble and fall down again? It's so much easier just to crawl and forget everything. But nooooo, you stubornly continued getting up and stumbling until you learnt how to walk, which you demonstrate now by standing up on your two feet. Are you greatful now that you continued to stumble until you could walk and you don't have to crawl anymore?

Here you have a different, yet not too disimilar situation. You need to learn something new and acquire a new skill set. Noone is going to do it for you and until you find a way to justify it to yourself, how to learn this you are not going to get very far in the dating department. And the skill set is very easy. Dating is a road travelled over and over, it's like openning up a can of tuna once you know the ins and outs. But obviously like walking, you're not going to get very far if you don't know and especially if you quit trying one third of the way.

[Desdemona]

I can understand where your coming from. But, maybe there's a way to get more involved. I know being in Japan makes it more complicated but maybe you can get more socially involved. Is there any kind of a club that you'd be interested in joining? Any interesting guys in class that you kind of have a thing for? If so, ask them to help you study for something. Don't be afraid of being assertive. An assertive girl who doesn't play games is a CATCH! Best of luck to you.

I am a member of many societies and I am meeting many new people, so I have made many new friends, but people that I end up being interested in only come along rarely, maybe once every year or so, and it's not down to being picky, but who I happen to be attracted to. That said, I am open to knowing people more and that not everyone who could be my prospective partner would be necessarily somebody I am attracted to straight away. Oh yeah, and definitely, I wouldn't ever do all this messing around with playing catch or games and deliberately making somebody wait on me, to me, that is a childish way to massage ones ego and a weak way to grab onto some control. Of course some mysteriousness is good, but I'd like to think that if I liked somebody, I would just say, unless he already had a girlfriend, as it is in the current situation I am in.

And? You just quit?

Think about it like, learning how to walk. You know, when you are little and you try to walk you stumble and you fall down. Then you get up again and you stumble again and fall down. Then you get up again, then you stumble and fall down. Sounds pretty useless doesn't it? Why continue getting up just to stumble and fall down again? It's so much easier just to crawl and forget everything. But nooooo, you stubornly continued getting up and stumbling until you learnt how to walk, which you demonstrate now by standing up on your two feet. Are you greatful now that you continued to stumble until you could walk and you don't have to crawl anymore?

Here you have a different, yet not too disimilar situation. You need to learn something new and acquire a new skill set. Noone is going to do it for you and until you find a way to justify it to yourself, how to learn this you are not going to get very far in the dating department. And the skill set is very easy. Dating is a road travelled over and over, it's like openning up a can of tuna once you know the ins and outs. But obviously like walking, you're not going to get very far if you don't know and especially if you quit trying one third of the way.

People often say it is a "skill set", but what exactly IS this 'skill set'? And if we take the "walking" metaphor, it's all well and good trying to walk, but if you are stuck somewhere and have nowhere to walk, how is even starting it possible?

[IndiReloaded]

If you aren't happy where you are headed, change direction. That's about all I can say. I find you vaguely defensive when ppl give you advice, you tend to justify how you are doing the things ppl suggest. The bottom line is you want a result and your current method(s) aren't working. So, do something different.

And if we take the "walking" metaphor, it's all well and good trying to walk, but if you are stuck somewhere and have nowhere to walk, how is even starting it possible?

This is a perfect example^. You are arguing about a concept that need not be argued.

[Desdemona]

If you aren't happy where you are headed, change direction. That's about all I can say. I find you vaguely defensive when ppl give you advice, you tend to justify how you are doing the things ppl suggest. The bottom line is you want a result and your current method(s) aren't working. So, do something different.



This is a perfect example^. You are arguing about a concept that need not be argued.

I guess I have found myself being defensive, and although I didn't want to come across as such, I know I have been because I truly feel that I am doing the things people have suggested, but of course I will take advice about things I may never have thought about, which I guess I was looking for.
I could do something different, the question is what to do...perhaps the answer lies in asking directly how I may come across from people who know me in real life.

[IndiReloaded]

Know what's really fun to do in Japan, Des? Find a taiko group that offers workshops. If you are close, I would suggest you take one of KODOs summer sessions. I've heard they are really awesome & you'll meet a ton of ppl. Oh, and taiko (drumming) doesn't require too much musical skill, should that be an issue. Give it a try.