Does he really want marriage or am I being foolish?

[Love909]

Oh yah! I might be actually messaging you for advice- I'm afraid I'm not very good at avoiding talks of the future and injecting a happy and relaxed "wow" vibe when I'm frustrated. It will be a hard hard couple of months. Any advice as to what I should keep telling myself to control my tone and/or nagging would be greatly appreciated! but at the same time, I'm optimistic....

[lesa]

You may not want to hear this but here goes: Tell yourself that you don't need him but want him. Live your life as if it is not dependent on what he says or does.

I know you have a timeline but you can still have fun with him at this moment. Now that you have that 'set deadline' in the back of your mind, just enjoy yourself with him until the time runs out.

[Dasein]

I'm sorry but I don't agree with this nagging view point. I also don't think it is a dramatic approach. Just a realistic one.

I can't tell you the number of women I know who spend YEARS with men on an assumption that one day they will get married. The man on the other hand is just protracting the situation because he doesn't want to commit. Hell I wouldn't be with my partner if we weren't on the same page in regard to our future.

You have to talk about things. Maybe the OP is being a bit overwhelming in her approach I don't know.

Look I will be honest.. he sounds like he isn't that interested. Do you want to waste your time with someone who isn't interested? Even if you decide to let the issue drop for months or even years (to find this wow factor..wtf is that?) it will still be sitting there in the back of your head. Of course you don't want to badger the poor guy into submission but you seem quite certain with what you want. It is similar to a woman who really wants a child. Should she just stick around with a guy who doesn't want to have children or is she wasting her time?

Do you also think you can live without him? If the answer is no then you have no hand whatsoever.

[Only-virgins]

Ha! Dude, if he didn't want to marry me he could say so and I would move on. I'd be totally fine w/that. But he won't say it...hence the problem.

Yea but that would be limiting my options.

[misombra]

he won't say it because he still wants to get laid.

the nagging will definitely put that to a halt though, and he'll eventually dump you.

[lesa]

I'm sorry but I don't agree with this nagging view point. I also don't think it is a dramatic approach. Just a realistic one.

I can't tell you the number of women I know who spend YEARS with men on an assumption that one day they will get married. The man on the other hand is just protracting the situation because he doesn't want to commit. Hell I wouldn't be with my partner if we weren't on the same page in regard to our future.

You have to talk about things. Maybe the OP is being a bit overwhelming in her approach I don't know.

Look I will be honest.. he sounds like he isn't that interested. Do you want to waste your time with someone who isn't interested? Even if you decide to let the issue drop for months or even years (to find this wow factor..wtf is that?) it will still be sitting there in the back of your head. Of course you don't want to badger the poor guy into submission but you seem quite certain with what you want. It is similar to a woman who really wants a child. Should she just stick around with a guy who doesn't want to have children or is she wasting her time?

Do you also think you can live without him? If the answer is no then you have no hand whatsoever.

Awww, you can't imagine how to 'wow' your man. That's too bad. Maybe you don't have that 'wow factor'.

I don't do girly games and they have already talked about it...too much in fact. I was giving another perspective and IMO better approach. How stressful it is to be a man. If I were him I would turn the tables around and take advantage of this situation, until I cannot take it anymore.

The OP needs some male opinions.

EDIT: I think there may be something interesting in his background anyways. A dealbreaker perhaps?

[Love909]

What's IMO and OP? Pardon my ignorance...

First of all in response to everyone...

There MAY be something in his past but I can't find it...I know a lot of people that have known him, even a girl who has dated him, and they all say he's a nice guy...no warnings as such...so nothing weird about that.

Second, there's no sex so "getting laid" is not an issue.

Third, every time we talk about the future we ARE on the same page, he's all for us getting married. He just won't go into specifics. He does sound interested, just to a point. He even talks once in a while about how amazing his proposal is going to be! I mean, come on! I don't know what to think.

His parents are still happily married, his friends are married, his siblings are married. I don't know what could be psychologically giving him a fear of marriage. Maybe he likes being the only single guy, with not commitments? HA!

Maybe I'm not the one he wants to marry, and if that's so, I would think he wouldn't tell me I'm "the one." And he tells me that, very soberly. He just asks why do I worry about it so much. I say I have to make a decision where I want to be for the next 2 years and I think I know I wanna marry him.

It's just that all my life I've seen the MAN say he can't spend another day without his woman, not the other way around. It's always up to the man.

All I see in him is yes we will get married eventually, our life together has already started, etc. etc., while I'm here wondering if his words are true...when we're together I believe it- bc we're always spending time together and we don't even argue about anything else. But when I go home or he goes home, we both get used to being alone, and being together is more like a dream.

...and if I break up w/him he's the type of guy who will say "That's what she wants, I have to accept it" instead of fighting for what he wants. I just know it.

[misombra]

why do you want to marry somebody who wouldn't fight to keep you?

[Dasein]

Awww, you can't imagine how to 'wow' your man. That's too bad. Maybe you don't have that 'wow factor'.

Haha....Lesa my man is more than satisfied

I guess what I meant is that wow factor is something innate and not easily manufactured.

[lesa]

I guess what I meant is that wow factor is something innate and not easily manufactured.

Oh, I definitely agree. That's why I originally told the OP that it's not her fault. It's not much she can do for this situation. Whatever it is that gets a man to want to spend a lifetime with a woman will already be there in that woman. She can't be that person to him if she is not already. I was hoping that maybe she is that person but is running him away with increasing arguments. I say stop the nagging and give it a short time and then decide from there .

[lesa]

What's IMO and OP?

in my opinion and original post (original poster)

[l_girl]

hmm reading through this thread has made me wonder about my relationship. Well I haven't used the OP's nagging methods but ask casually sometimes where he sees us in like 5 years etc. Those type of questions. I haven't explicitily asked if he wanted to marry me though. Now that I think about it...geeeze wheeeze am I waiting too

OP I seriously have no advice other than to say try Lesa's advice out! Seems to be fairly good and see how it goes. Doesn't hurt to try it out.

Btw is he religious? I can't see a man in his 30's that don't want to have sex with you at all?!! Serious here! Btw ahhh is he gay? I still can't see how a long distance relationship is something he can be content with after 2 years already! Usually people get tired of it and one partner make the big move. Another thing about the whole living together bit before marriage. Man I can't agree more with that. I thought I knew my boyfriend but god he's freaking lazy (that's one of my issues )! A few weeks with them won't really show the true self. You might need to live with him for a few months for the ugly stuff to show up.

[IndiReloaded]

The guy doesn't sound at all interested in marrying you. If that's what you're looking for I wouldn't waste any more time with him, or you'll be in the same position in another two years (into your early thirties) and then in another two years etc

This sounds about right to me. If this guy was going to marry you, he would have made plans for it to happen. Either he's not that into you, or there is something else going on. Holding a torch for an ex?

Time to bail out, sweetie.