Shit.

[ecojeanne]

so the grass is always greener, you may just realise in years to come how silly these thoughts are, but probably when it's too late

[IndiReloaded]

Didn't you say you and your husband dated on the side at some point?

We discussed the possibility, but never actually did it. It was when we were separated for a year due to school. Neither of us found anyone remotely interesting enough to actually do it. The deal was, that if either of us was considering it, we had to first discuss with the other person but that it would be okay.

We have the same arrangement re: physical cheating today, fyi. Possible, but needs discussion first. Its just never been an issue. I think the openness negates it somehow. Perhaps takes away the 'elicit excitement' of the verbotten?

[Junket]

so the grass is always greener, you may just realise in years to come how silly these thoughts are, but probably when it's too late

The grass is always greener.

Have you ever met a person that didn't want to make a little more money?

Crave more power?

Best their time?

Shoot more accurate?

Learn another recipe?

Improve their house or their car?

Score higher on a test?

Feed one more hungry mouth?

Touch up their work just a little more?

My life feels stagnant, and something needs to change my relationship with my girlfriend would probably be the first thing to suffer.

Which is not to say that I'm committed to making such a change, but if I don't do something soon things will only pick up speed.

But in the mean time, I will ride my bike out in the cold.

[ecojeanne]

We discussed the possibility, but never actually did it. It was when we were separated for a year due to school. Neither of us found anyone remotely interesting enough to actually do it. The deal was, that if either of us was considering it, we had to first discuss with the other person but that it would be okay.

We have the same arrangement re: physical cheating today, fyi. Possible, but needs discussion first. Its just never been an issue. I think the openness negates it somehow. Perhaps takes away the 'elicit excitement' of the verbotten?

really indi?? that sounds a bit mad imo, surely you're committed or you're not, i'm a bit of a germaphobe so i wouldn't be able to put up with the possibility of my partner sharing anything with anyone...condoms etc don't protect from everything

[lesa]

Your very posts prove that, Mish, lesa, Indie.

And the very sad part was that the bf told me about the other women who have experienced it. I thought I would never feel that way and felt really mature as a result.

It took about 5 years to begin to feel that way but I never did anything or felt the need to cheat (I wouldn't). I just wanted to wait a little longer for marrying (which was too long for him). That feeling lasted for a few more years but I knew it wasn't worth going for another relationship. He never knew I felt like that. Eventually and the good news is that feeling was no longer there.

However, it was too late. My relationship was ruin with resentment and unnecessary fights by the 7th year.

Now, I see it was unnecessary drama.

But you are right. This is one thing in life that you will have to experience yourself.

I say have a fling before getting into a serious relationship. But the old me would never have done that. Sooo, it's a lose-lose situation.

The good news is I no longer carry that feeling

Your gf sounds like a great person. It's a very sad situation.

[ecojeanne]

The grass is always greener.

Have you ever met a person that didn't want to make a little more money?

Crave more power?

Best their time?

Shoot more accurate?

Learn another recipe?

Improve their house or their car?

Score higher on a test?

Feed one more hungry mouth?

Touch up their work just a little more?

My life feels stagnant, and something needs to change my relationship with my girlfriend would probably be the first thing to suffer.

Which is not to say that I'm committed to making such a change, but if I don't do something soon things will only pick up speed.

But in the mean time, I will ride my bike out in the cold.

i have to honestly say i'm not like that, i like when things are good, it takes a lot for me to change good things even if it means more money (i suppose i might as well admit, i grew up with very little and then by the age of 10 grew up with a lot..so i don't value money etc the same way other people do...i value people a lot more) maybe that makes me a pussy but at the same time i've insisted on making my own way and i don't see the value of trying to prove anything to anyone, as long as my friends and family are happy..thats ALL i care about, **** the rest, i will always appreciate every day for being another great day...pathetic maybe..it's just me

[lesa]

If I'm not stimulated, or have no challenge, I look for the next thing I can chase after. Keeps me focused, and occupied. Like a dog chasing his tail. Critique it all you want, but it's not about logic, it's about my contentment, and I'm content with it.

Oh wait, I see your problem. You need her to not be available all the time. Yeah, that really can be an issue. That's an issue that some people do not know much about. Challenge and absence do stimulate and excite us. I agree 100%. She sounds so sweet. Someone needs to tell her.

But do you like drama? arguments, etc?

[Junket]

I just realized something as soon as I stepped outside.

It makes perfect sense...

But to answer your question lesa, yes, I get a charge out of arguments, and I know I crave drama every now and then. We still keep it minimal. I was raised in a household that thrived on fighting, but I've managed not to bring that to this relationship.

Yes, she is available too much. Which is why she went to the movies with some friends and I opted to stay here. The friends I almost made during the summer have faded off already now that we can't play frisbee.

But here's what I've come across.

At the beginning of this year, me and her made a list of things we wanted to do/accomplish.

We've virtually accomplished all but a few of them. For me, some of the unaccomplished was buying a new car, making new friends, buying a gun, camping more.

What I did accomplish:
-become completely financially independent of my father
-pay off my student loans in full
-move to New Orleans
-find an apartment
-find a job
-transfer my car registration and title and become a "resident" of New Orleans
-open a new bank account/close the old one
-buy a bicycle to save on gas
-volunteer
-meet new people
-explore downtown New Orleans
-visit home (Philly)
-get health insurance

Amongst other smaller goals that are related to the some above. So basically it's been a busy year. And she said it earlier last week "we need to come up with new goals". It's true, we do. I have nothing left, and it has me twiddling my thumbs. I don't even know what I'm working towards right now, thus why I cannot figure out what to do with the $1000 my dad gave me.

I've written some things down, and am in the middle of brainstorming. Amy and I will probably go for a walk and discuss once she gets back.

[Mish]

And that's just it. This will always be one of those things where everybody knows better, and will warn the naive, and the naive will go and do it anyway. And then the naive, will then be experienced and say "well they told me, and now I will warn the naive" and the naive will still go and do it anyway.

Your very posts prove that, Mish, lesa, Indie.

Well, I suppose if you really want you can do it so in the future you can say that yes you've done it even if just for the sake of it. It's just the way I see it, it's a waste of time. You don't really gain anything from it (apart from a short lived excitement that quickly gets forgotten).

But if it's going to bother you if you don't do it, then you probably should, but like you said you will have to let Amy ago.

[IndiReloaded]

really indi?? that sounds a bit mad imo, surely you're committed or you're not, i'm a bit of a germaphobe so i wouldn't be able to put up with the possibility of my partner sharing anything with anyone...condoms etc don't protect from everything

Shrug. I don't think you understood my post, Eco.

Anyway, I've been with my husband 20 years and no cheating. So, I suppose the proof of the pudding is in the eating?

[IndiReloaded]

And she said it earlier last week "we need to come up with new goals". It's true, we do. I have nothing left, and it has me twiddling my thumbs. I don't even know what I'm working towards right now, thus why I cannot figure out what to do with the $1000 my dad gave me.

I've written some things down, and am in the middle of brainstorming. Amy and I will probably go for a walk and discuss once she gets back.

As CB said, she sounds like a very good GF, actually a damn good partner. In my opinion also.

And yes, you got it. There are a lot of man-hoes out there who are very sad they haven't got what you have with A. There is always "one more" something, whether you are with 1 or 1000 girls.

[Junket]

i have to honestly say i'm not like that, i like when things are good, it takes a lot for me to change good things even if it means more money (i suppose i might as well admit, i grew up with very little and then by the age of 10 grew up with a lot..so i don't value money etc the same way other people do...i value people a lot more) maybe that makes me a pussy but at the same time i've insisted on making my own way and i don't see the value of trying to prove anything to anyone, as long as my friends and family are happy..thats ALL i care about, **** the rest, i will always appreciate every day for being another great day...pathetic maybe..it's just me

So what does that say?

I think that says you're not exactly the prime individual to be providing me advice in this situation because you're inherently different. I'm not about to tell you how to deal with menopause, it's simply an area I cannot relate to you own, nor will I ever.

You don't find the value of trying to prove anything, as long as your friends and family are happy?

Well that's all well and good and noble.

But where are my friends? They're hundreds of miles away playing world of warcraft. And despite my attempts to stay in contact with them, they've let that bridge rot. My family on the east coast? For reasons I will not disclose here I've spoken to my mother a total of two times within the past year, my sisters none, my stepfather could die for all I care, and my brother is busy raising 3 adoptive children in Oklahoma. On my dad's side I don't bother speaking with anyone besides him and my cousin. I could write a book on my family dynamics, or rather the deterioration of.

So as you can see what is important to you, differs from what is important to me. And you may see some of my feelings on things to be "typical" but humans are nothing but typical. There's nothing about you that entirely surprises me. I don't agree with it all, and don't relate to it, but I've seen it before, in other places.

I am very happy being ambitious and driven, it's gotten me very far very quickly so far. Things go sour once I become comfortable. Bored.

So what I've come up with?

Maybe I will buy that camera my dad wanted to get me. Or something like it. Pick up photography. Multiple times while at work I've wanted to take pictures of the fine (and not so fine) men that I work along side. I think it's something worth glorifying, something I feel like America has forgotten about. Honest, hard, skilled work.

Perhaps I will pick up a keyboard, or horn, or string instrument in lieu of a videogame controller.

Trade my cruiser/mountain hybrid bicycle for a more hardcore mountain bicycle to take on the trails.

Partake in some of the outdoors club that I found on meetup.com and hopefully find an adequate circle of friends.

[misombra]

when m and i get sick of each other we take a little trip just he and i and do something fun. it brings us closer together.

you guys should come visit this summer. we'll go backpacking. you'll love it!

[IndiReloaded]

Fras, all I can tell you is to trust that EVEN the boredom is a phase. Just like the sappy love, the freaky sex comes and goes.

The best advice on being married I was ever given was to wait, slow down, THINK.

Miso gives some practical advice also. We do the same. This holiday, for example is to sort out various things you know about.

Do you know that old buddhist story about the ring? If not, I'll post it. If so, just ignore it.

[IndiReloaded]

A rich old man died leaving two sons. They decided to separate dividing all the properties between themselves – fifty fifty. After all the matters related to property were settled the two brothers came across a small packet carefully hidden by the father. The packet contained two rings – one was an expensive diamond ring and the other was an ordinary silver ring costing only a few rupees.

Seeing the diamond ring the elder brother developed greed and desired the ring for himself. He explained to the younger brother – This packet is obviously a family heirloom and not part of the joint family property. Our father evidently desired the diamond ring to be passed on from generation to generation and stay within the family. Being the elder brother I will take the diamond ring. You had better take the silver one.

The younger brother smiled and agreed.

The younger brother was curious as to why the father had preserved the silver ring, which had very little value. He took out the ring and examined it. One the ring was written the words – "This too will pass". The younger brother said – "Oh this was the motto of my father – This too will pass. He replaced the ring on his finger.

Time passed. Both brothers went through the ups and downs of life. The elder brother used to get highly delighted when spring came and he was prosperous. He lost his balance and developed greed and attachment. When the good phase went away and winter approached he became highly anxious. He needed to medication and sleeping pills to be able to sleep. When that did not help he completely lost his balance. He needed visits to the psychiatrist and electric shock treatments. This was the brother with the diamond ring.

The younger brother when spring came, enjoyed it but remembered his father's motto – This too will change. He did not get attached to his circumstances but enjoyed them while they lasted. When spring passed he said to himself – It was inevitably going to pass and now it has done so. So what? Similarly when winter approached and circumstances became bad he did not become agitated but remembered - This too will pass. Thus he was able to preserve his sense of balance through all the ups and downs of life and lived his life happily.

The Buddha himself said once: -

When faced with all the ups and downs of life,
Still the mind remains unshaken,
Not lamenting, not generating defilements, always feeling secure,
This is the greatest happiness.