Torn between money and love...

[carl1222]

Wait wait wait.

He didn't bother getting even his GED but he's making the same amount as you, and he owns his own construction company?

How much did you pay for your beloved education?

You're making him out to be such a loser, and yet this guy is in a great position in life.

You're f*cking weird.

Exactly, Frasbee ... you don't need a GED to build buildings or to make a decent, honest living from good hard work and native intelligence. If this guy owns a construction company, he is certainly no dummy nor is he uneducated, even if not in school. Where I worked years ago, we had a middle-aged mailroom supervisor on a small salary ... he had a PhD from Princeton! Would OP prefer a man like him to entrust with her financial security? It's not so much that OP is wierd ... OP is a snob.

Carl.

[IndiReloaded]

I am not sure why you would say I am insecure.. Is it because I felt pressured to get married? Maybe it's because of the lack of financial security.

I think your focus on financial security is a part of it, but its mostly your inability to actually get what you want from your husband in a reasonable way. Insecurity mixed with immaturity, I guess, is my read on you so far. To your credit, it does sound as if you are very self-motivated, which is an asset in this situation. If you choose to use it wisely.

Just to give you some ideas, in your situation I would probably have taken a different tack for getting my husband to complete his schooling. Pointed out the benefits for him and his business. How he would be better able to manage certain aspects (e.g. bookkeeping) with a degree. How, should times get tough, he might even be able to consider taking his experience and teaching at, say, a technical college. That kind of thing. I am just spewing ideas off here at the keyboard w/o much forethought. You, with years of experience thinking about this problem, should be able to come up with much better ideas.

In your case, tho, you seem to have set up a self-reinforcing scene for confrontation. I doubt very much your husband is as indifferent to your marriage as you say, I think he's just tired of being harped at about his 'deficiencies' and looking up at the insides of your nostrils. I'd bet most of his nasty behaviour is just an offshoot of resentment. You could help the team, instead of breaking it down. A good counsellor could help with this, btw, but you'd both have to want it.

Our Failing marriage is a collective issue. I know I am guilty of some things as well. But, I have tried. I have put my part in. I've tried to talk things through. I've tried to fix our issues. But, I can help the way I feel.

I'm not sure if you mistyped and meant "can't" help the way you feel? B/c you can. Absolutely. Change the behaviour and the thoughts WILL follow. There are stages of marriage and its normal for ppl to go (and GROW) through these types of issues. In fact, even if you divorce your husband you will just have to go through it again with someone else. Who may have a PhD from Princeton, lol, but will come with a different set of problems you'll have to work through.

Someone once told me, its generally easier to "trade up" than "trade out", meaning that if your spouse is a genuinely decent fellow, that you are way better off trying to work out these issues than to start all over with an entirely new partner and set of unknowns. I mean, this guy loves you enough to have married you. He sounds like he works hard and is responsible. A guy (or gal) with commitment is not a trivial thing these days.

I'd think VERY hard about this, and get some counselling for at least several months, before you make the decision to dissolve your relationship. Good luck.

[Lipp]

Now she wants to back out. No counselling, no *real* working out of issues, just looking for excuses to leave. Typical.

Exactly, this all sounds like posts and responses just to feel better about the move because other "people" support it.

[Babeejulss]

@Frasbee - I am not a SNOB. Far from it. I worked so hard to get my grad degree. I busted my F*ing @ss for 6 years after I got out of High school.

We moved to a different city. We both got jobs and then we were hit by two hurricanes in two weeks (Florida). My husbands job was destroyed, so instead of him finding another job he decided to take a YEAR off from working. I went to school full time, worked a full time and a part time job just to support us.

While he took all of this time off - he could have studied for his GED and I would have been glad to help him. But instead his excuse for not finding a job was because " I look like a piece of shit on paper, no one's going to hire a high school drop out."

Yeah, I am pissed about it. And I resent him for it. We couldn't afford to live off of MY 2 jobs so we paid for the difference on credits cards and student loans. This was 3 years ago and we are still paying them off.

Just to give you some ideas, in your situation I would probably have taken a different tack for getting my husband to complete his schooling. Pointed out the benefits for him and his business. How he would be better able to manage certain aspects (e.g. bookkeeping) with a degree. How, should times get tough, he might even be able to consider taking his experience and teaching at, say, a technical college. That kind of thing. I am just spewing ideas off here at the keyboard w/o much forethought. You, with years of experience thinking about this problem, should be able to come up with much better ideas.

@Indie - I have tried everything. I bought the GED book/CD study combo. Tried to sit down with him and help him study. I even went as far as telling him I would pleasure him every morning before I went to work.... NOTHING! It pisses me off because I worked so hard to better myself for US and it seems as though he just doesn't care.

[Junket]

I never called you a snob, I sad you're f*cking weird.

-shrug-

I would never consider marrying my girlfriend until she paid off her own debt. If I did? I still wouldn't drop a dime on her school loans.

My money is my money.

Her money is her money.

Married or not, when you start sharing money so freely it's only going to lead to trouble down the road.

[IndiReloaded]

Yeah, I am pissed about it. And I resent him for it. We couldn't afford to live off of MY 2 jobs so we paid for the difference on credits cards and student loans. This was 3 years ago and we are still paying them off.

@Indie - I have tried everything. I bought the GED book/CD study combo. Tried to sit down with him and help him study. I even went as far as telling him I would pleasure him every morning before I went to work.... NOTHING! It pisses me off because I worked so hard to better myself for US and it seems as though he just doesn't care.

Well, Jules, I can totally understand your frustration. Really, there is noone here who wouldn't agree you've been carrying the financial load.

The only comment I can make about your methods about getting him to finish school is that its still YOUR issue, not something that will make HIM see the benefit for himself. Offering him sex for studying is just silly.

You say you've tried everything. I've mentioned counselling several times, but you haven't explicitly said you have tried this? Re: school. He's got some fears about failing based on what you have written, this is something a few sessions with a counsellor might be able to have him see differently.

Or, if finances are an issue, why don't you ask him to post here? I think there are several folks here who might be willing to help him with this.

I don't think you hate your husband, I think you are just incredibly frustrated and feeling very alone in your marriage. You are looking for a partner, not a dependent, and I think you are afraid this is where you are going. This is something YOU should also think about, btw. Nothing in life is sure. Even the most successful couples might end up in a situation where one partner must sometimes carry the load. Imagine cases of illness or accident, for example. Decent ppl don't walk away from their partners in such cases.

So, why don't you view this as a growth opportunity for your marriage? If you can get your husband to admit there is a problem, then why don't you offer to HELP him do the things he wants to do? This is not the same as doing it for him, btw, or harping/guilting him into it, which seems to have been your past MO. Learning to motivate ppl to take action for themselves is a useful skill to have in your own personal toolbox. Not just for your marriage, but also for your own career and personal development.

I promise, if you can manage this, your marriage will become stronger than you can imagine and your husband will love your for it.

BUT!!!!!

He's got to want this also. You can't do this alone. You can be the stronger partner, at present, but if he's also given up on your marriage then you both need to move on. Go see a counsellor for a few sessions and find out where you both are and decide from there.

Hope this helps, Darling. Good luck.

[Babeejulss]

Thanks Inide. I actually Told my husband last night that I wasn't happy with our relationship. I told him all the reasons why I wasn't happy and I asked him if he would go to counseling.... No response. So I said do you want to go to counseling? He said Not really, but if it's what you want. I could tell he was sad about the issue but he didn't take it as hard as i thought he would.

He mentioned divorce a couple of times and said if I decided to leave him he could afford to live on his own and that I wouldn't have to worry about him. Not sure how to take this?

I guess I'll see what happens this week.

[Hollywood]

I take my wholeeeeeeeeeeee post back.

So he actually agrees with divorce?

[misombra]

i imagine you two are in the midst of discussion now. it'll be interesting what transpires.

updates please!

[IndiReloaded]

Thanks Inide. I actually Told my husband last night that I wasn't happy with our relationship. I told him all the reasons why I wasn't happy and I asked him if he would go to counseling.... No response. So I said do you want to go to counseling? He said Not really, but if it's what you want. I could tell he was sad about the issue but he didn't take it as hard as i thought he would.

He mentioned divorce a couple of times and said if I decided to leave him he could afford to live on his own and that I wouldn't have to worry about him. Not sure how to take this?

I guess I'll see what happens this week.

Its not uncommon for ppl to be reluctant to seek counselling, for all kinds of reasons. I wouldn't read too much into his lack of response at this time. Even if he is willing to go just to 'humour' you, I suggest you make an appointment.

In case you're not already aware, counselling isn't just to help repair relationships. It can also help couples to come to a mutual decision to divorce. In fact, a lot of ppl end of splitting b/c the counselling sessions often brings up deep issues that are often ignored in the day-to-day relationship. Especially when communication has broken down.

Basically, think of it as an opportunity to decide, with the help of a trained person who has seen LOTS of couples like you, whether you want sort out your respective life issues together or separately. You will both still get something out of going, whatever the outcome for your marriage.

Oh, and if you can find someone good, I would suggest a male counsellor. Just a stab here, but I think it will be more effective for your husband.