Has Anyone Been Through This That Can Advise Me Please?

[vashti]

lol

why did you edit out all your posts? your opinion was every bit as valid as mine.

[xxazurexx]

For privacy reasons. The reply was for you anyway and in response to a post you sent and you have read it, so no need to keep it there and for all and sundry to read it.
And you never know who is reading I guess.

[LadyR]

Hi,

So sorry if I caused a disagreement between you guys: that was not my intention at all! Please don't fall out on my account!

Anyway, I guess what I wrote in my original post is kind of true in that my DH (means 'Darling Husband' - is that a UK thing?) is a bag of contradictions: I think, deep down, he is a good person - loves our daughter, works hard etc. - but he has a very difficult personality type and is often flaring up into the most terrible tempers with me and shouting at me. He has never hit me, but he can be mean with the things he says. This is often in front of our kid, which is what upsets her, I think. I am pretty much a phlegmatic (sp?) person, and I try to keep things calm and keep the peace, and I do try very hard to keep things under wraps for the sake of our daughter, but I'm not always the one in control of that, if you know what I mean.

In any case, it isn't really boredom driving me away from him and I have tried to instigate doing things together to make it better. That said, I know he doesn't want us to separate - partly cos his own parents divorced, and I think it had a big effect on him, and partly because of rather complex financial reasons (which I don't want to go into here), which would leave him a lot worse off. He does still tell me he loves me, so I guess he's just one of those guys who goes into extremes of emotion - good and bad. He wasn't like this (or didn't seem to be like this) when we met, of course. Ultimately, I think I'm just not the right person for him at all: I want everything to be calm and quiet. No necessarily a bed of roses, but just in a place that feels OK. That's the feeling 'work guy' gives me - calm, safe, kind. But, I know you're right that I should try - once again - to put him out of my head.

Incidentally, just to clarify, 'work guy' does not actually work with me. He works in the same industry as me and so we sometimes meet for business reasons - maybe three or four times a year - and sometimes we arrange to meet for a meal/drink together to talk. So, it is not someone I work alongside of and see every day. I've never been a fan of those kind of relationships (although I wouldn't judge others in them, of course), in case everything goes wrong and you're left working alongside someone - too awkward for me. DH knows that I see 'work guy', but thinks we meet up just as friends (which, effectively, we are.)

Anyway, thanks so much for all your advice. I think my mind is now set to try and get some counseling for myself and to work out what is best for me, and then I think I will be in a better position to know how/whether I should go about saving my present relationship. I am very busy with work and involved in my daughter's school activities, but I think it's probably a good idea for me to take up another hobby to just have something to focus on for myself - maybe yoga to calm the mind - so thanks for suggesting that.

I also know I have to put 'work guy' on his pedestal back in the box and forget all about him - or try my very best to do so ... any tips on how to forget about someone you've been in love with for so long gratefully received...

Thanks!

[IndiReloaded]

You need to read, and believe, the Stages of Marriage article.

As for the rest, I agree completely with Vash. She knows it, but just adding my two cents to hers for the forum.

[url=http://www.couplescompany.com/advice/Marriage/Marriage/5stagesMarriage.htm]Marriage Advice, The Five Stages of Marriage[/url]

[LadyR]

Hi IndieReloaded,

Thanks for the link: I've read the stages and, as many do no doubt, I identify with much of what is in there.

However, I wanted to ask whether, in your (or anyone else's) experience, is it possible to work through Stage 3 and come out with a 'positive result' even if you're always trying to be supportive/non-critical/praising etc (as I do) but your husband doesn't ever really reciprocate? I'm guessing your experience was a positive one?

I am happy to try even harder, but if he isn't able to, and if he won't got to counseling, is there anything else I can do? Or do I just have to keep myself sane by imagining myself with the other guy and putting up with the temper tantrums and mood swings?

Thanks!

[IndiReloaded]

Hi IndieReloaded,

Thanks for the link: I've read the stages and, as many do no doubt, I identify with much of what is in there.

However, I wanted to ask whether, in your (or anyone else's) experience, is it possible to work through Stage 3 and come out with a 'positive result' even if you're always trying to be supportive/non-critical/praising etc (as I do) but your husband doesn't ever really reciprocate? I'm guessing your experience was a positive one?

I am happy to try even harder, but if he isn't able to, and if he won't got to counseling, is there anything else I can do? Or do I just have to keep myself sane by imagining myself with the other guy and putting up with the temper tantrums and mood swings?

Thanks!

Oh, I've been with my husband for ages, same as Vash. Sure, we've gone through bad patches and yes, its possible to come out happy on the other side. I had a situation not too different from yours, where I got emotionally dependent on an old family friend who was helping me through a rough patch of marriage. He got a touch of White Knight Syndrome and we found ourselves in a bit of an emotional pickle for a while. The details of the story don't really matter, its how it got solved. And that was, basically, by my taking some very good "This too shall pass..." advice from those who had been there before me.

Your husband sounds like a good, if flawed, man. While some flaws are dealbreakers, his don't really sound like it. At this stage, I would say the trick isn't to try harder, its to ratchet down the intensity of the situation. Step back from things for a while and just wait. I think once your husband sees you aren't actively gnawing the relationship bone, you might be able to sit him down and have a conversation about some changes you would like. Ultimately, feelings are just a result of getting needs met. The more needs he can meet of yours, the more you will 'love him'. That's how it works.

Good luck. Post here to vent if it helps.

[lahnnabell]

but I'm not always the one in control of that, if you know what I mean.

Have you talked with your husband about how his behavior is negatively affecting your daughter and your relationships with her? If so, how does he respond?

And you can get control back, but it takes immense mental and emotional capacity. It finally dawned on me while I was with my ex last year. He sometimes became verbally and emotionally abusive when he came home from a bad day at work, or was generally in a bad mood. The moods would seemingly come out of nowhere and at first it felt like getting sucker punched in the face. He once even got under my skin so badly that I began to rant and rave and flail, and I hadn't exhibited such behaviors since I was a pre-teen. I felt so threatened by his manipulative abuse tactics that I nearly lost my mind over it.

One day, after reading an emotional self-help book, something clicked. I remembered how my father used to insight the same frustration in me by getting in my face and yelling and scaring me until I'd cry. For him, my tears were recognition that he had power over me. From that point on, I vowed to maintain control over MY response to his attacks. I told myself that when I felt that tingle of frustration in the pit of my stomach, or my face flush, it was time to walk away. I refused to get caught up in a power struggle with him anymore.

One night I got my first chance to put my plan into action. Ex comes home, clearly beat from work and begins to nit-pick about things I'm doing/not doing. Earlier that evening, I had been perfectly content to relax after work, and then go grocery shopping. The moment he began his tirade, I cut him off. I said, "I understand you want to talk about this now, but honestly I'm not ready. I have some errands to run before it gets too late, and I would be more than happy to talk about this when we're both ready." He stammered and tried to demand that we talk about it NOW. Again, I repeated what I said. "I just told you that I'm not in a place to talk about this effectively. I want us to be on the same page. I'm going out, but I'll be back soon. I love you." And I left so that I could do my errands and clear my head. Did part of me want to tell him to f*** off? Hell yes. But I knew it would have done nothing for our relationship in the long run. It would have just been an immediately gratifying one-up until I felt terrible about it later.

[SirWagginston]

I don't understand how people manage to keep hooking up with and even MARRYING abusive partners. I never shouted at any of my exes, and if they had shouted at me, I would have dumped them immediately. I think it should be considered a deal-breaker.

[Mish]

I think it's getting hard for me to distinguish whether the problem comes from being in love with this other guy, or whether the problem has already been in my relationship for a long time and this is just an outlet for it: does that make sense?

To make it easier, ask yourself if you would still be seeing these problems and questioning your relationship had you not met this other fellow? There will lie your answer.

[LadyR]

Thanks, guys, for all the heartfelt replies.

IndiReloaded: can I ask you how long it took you to get over the 'other guy'? Sometimes, I just think I might never be able to put him out of my mind altogether (obviously made harder by the fact I still need to see him for work three times a year).

Iahnnabell: yes, I've asked him not to lose it in front of her, and I think he does feel bad about it afterward, but it's like he's not really in control of his emotions at the time. I usually try to walk away or calm him down, but it doesn't always work.

SirWagginston: you sound like a great guy! Sometimes it's hard to tell how someone's going to turn out: he certainly wasn't like this ten years ago... Obviously, I just am really annoying to him now whereas all those years ago I wasn't. Some days, it's like every little thing I do irritates him. It's like treading on eggshells.

Mishanya: I think the problems were already there five years ago, but meeting this very different, kind-natured, gentle guy threw them into greater relief.

Anyway, thanks all, for trying to help me work through this. I have decided I will keep on trying to make this relationship work for another two years, and then, if things are still bad, I'll reassess. My daughter will be ten years old then, and I think I will have given it a really good shot.

Sad to kiss my dreams of having more kids goodbye, but I guess I'm getting pretty past it anyway ...

Thanks

[lahnnabell]

You are not responsible for calming him down. His desire to gain control of his reaction to what he's feeling is what will really help him. He has to want to change. He's a big boy and should understand that he needs to take responsibility for giving into his desire to maintain control of your relationship through scare tactics and verbal threats. This is abuse. He's not going to change on his own and will most likely need individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. He seems to believe that the emotions he feels come from outside of him, therefore leaving him helpless to control himself. This is not true.

[SirWagginston]

So he only shouts at annoying people? Did you see him shout at such people, before? Truth be told, I don't shout at anyone, ever, except in jest. It's just unnecessary and I think it reveals bad character. I don't even think I shouted when I got in fights as a kid. If I felt that the person couldn't be reasoned with, I just jumped straight to the final step and threw punches. You can actually fight better when you're calm, I've found.

[LadyR]

Thanks guys, for your supportive words. You're both right, of course. I can't make him change; he has to want it for himself. And I don't know how long this will take: maybe he'll never want it. I've tried everything I can think of and I'm out of ideas: I think he needs counseling, but I can't drag him there ...

I will try and stick it out for these two years for the sake of my daughter, and then I think I really need to re-consider: how much more or less damaging is it for her to be in a happy broken home than a stressful united one?

I must also try to let go of all thoughts of 'work guy' and the life we could have together, and just focus on where things stand at home right now.

Wish me luck - I'm going to need it...

[Mish]

I will try and stick it out for these two years for the sake of my daughter, and then I think I really need to re-consider: how much more or less damaging is it for her to be in a happy broken home than a stressful united one?

I must also try to let go of all thoughts of 'work guy' and the life we could have together, and just focus on where things stand at home right now.

Wish me luck - I'm going to need it...

Good luck Lady. I think it's the right choice, but maybe not the best approach. Are you really going to stick it out for two years? You may give up sooner than you think. Now that this problem has been thrown into a greater relief, why not dedicate more off yourself to it, take some creative approaches, delve in and really try to bring your relationship into at least a tolerable level? Have you assessed it well? Do you know all of the sticking points? Do you know what you can live with and what needs to be resolved yesterday? These two years can be a long drag or they can be mutually beneficial and healing,

[vashti]

.

I will try and stick it out for these two years for the sake of my daughter, and then I think I really need to re-consider: how much more or less damaging is it for her to be in a happy broken home than a stressful united one?

.

Why don't you try for a non-stressful environment? You have more control over this than you seem to be willing to assume. I know exactly what I can say/do that will have my husband yelling in 10 seconds flat... maybe you can figure out what role YOU play in your interactions, and alter your own behavior. Sure, there will be times that he may be unpredictable, but for the most part, people are kind of predictable. If you alter your OWN behavior, he will be forced to respond differently.

(Please note that I am not saying that it is YOUR fault that he yells... I am just trying to help you gain coping skills.)