Major Money Issues

[Cerby]

129K for a house!?!? Where do you live? Detroit?

I make much less than you (51K before taxes) and I paid 214K for my frikken condo. (Given than I live in the most expensive place in Canada to live, but shit, I would kill for a 129K house).

How have you not bought a house out of straight cash!?

I think there was a dating question, but once I saw the house stuff my mind went elsewhere.

[sookie6]

In all honesty, I think a man who is used to a highly-dramatic woman would find me boring. I like things simple. I am dating a man off-and-on who is like that - I suspect he KNOWS he "should" like me, as I am all the things he professes to want, but I think he misses the drama, and isn't even aware of it.

I think there should be a whole thread about this Vash as I feel the same...countless stories of nice guys being strung along by unstable gfriends with baggage and history...I've tried my best over the past few years to make myself the most eligible and I'm not unattractive...and still I keep seeing the nicest guys wasting time saving someone who can't be saved.

I truly think that our problems can only be resolved by ourselves...once can be financially supported, even emotionally for a while but at the end of the day the issues will always re-surface if they are not adressed directly by the person.

I think Amy always had a man as a 'helper'...when what she needs the most is to learn to stand up by herself...
Even with the best intentions Vince is gonna come to her with expectations (more pressure to her to be, to act according to someone else's needs)...

[Boisdevie]

I love your contribution to this forum Vincenzo and so many of your posts hit the nail on the head.

I worry that you're even considering taking back this woman who cheated on you. Why? Chances are she'll do it again and bleed you dry at the same time. I would not give her the time of day.

[VincenzoG91]

I took my BF back with the same attitude.. I thought I would regret not giving him another go. 5 weeks later things are a lot better and whilst it is taking time to build the trust again he is doing all the right things and there is a notable difference in our relationship. Not every relationship is perfect and when you love someone you need to be prepared to accept them for how they are, faults, debt and all.

This is what I am hoping for, and I have seen a real improvement in the way she has been dealing with me. Not just in recent months, but actually starting about a year ago. It would take time to rebuild the trust, but if she worked at it, I could eventually forgive everything.

[VincenzoG91]

In all honesty, I think a man who is used to a highly-dramatic woman would find me boring. I like things simple. I am dating a man off-and-on who is like that - I suspect he KNOWS he "should" like me, as I am all the things he professes to want, but I think he misses the drama, and isn't even aware of it.

I never liked the drama. I'm an accountant, so I'm okay with the idea of a safe, stable, boring life. I had enough excitement in my 20s and 30s to last the rest of my life without it. I'm sorry to hear that you're with somebody who doesn't appreciate you.

[VincenzoG91]

You seem to think very logically when it comes to money but your heart keeps getting in the way and thats why this keeps happening. You love her, but only if she can be the woman you want and really need her to be at this point in your life. She really needs to understand your point of view.
I would be extremely skepticle about her current living sitiation...with another guy the same one she left you for??? Trust your instincts but listen to your heart. Lay it all out on the table with her and maybe just give her an ultimatum. She must really convince you otherwise.That amount of debt without a difinitive plan is asking alot of anyone. If she really has clear goals set after school then nutriton can be pretty lucrative career option. Hospitals, nursing homes and even spas need them. Love is a very hard thing thats all i know. I told my ex who'd i'd been seeing against my better judgement that i couldnt take him and his bro to the airport, then i gave in because he seemed upset and was saying he would pay me, take me out to breakfast etc i said i guess so. Believe me we all make stupid mistakes for love. I wish you well and hope you get all your cards laid out tonite.

The current living situation has a reason: fear. You missed my two huge threads from last January and February where I covered all this. Long story short, she left him 5 years ago when she realized that he was a control freak. Then she learned that he is also a stalker who likes to makes serious threats. He threatened to tell everybody they knew that she was a cheater. He threatened to post naked pictures of her online. And he threatened to retaliate against me. It's sick that she didn't tell me that this guy even existed, but I do remember her always bugging me to take precautions when we first moved in together. Specifically, it always scared her when I didn't have the front door locked, even when I had a half dozen friends over hanging out.

When she moved in with him in February of 2010, he started abusing her. Lots of verbal and mental abuse, some sexual abuse, and even some light physical abuse. Grabbing her arm, pushing her, sometimes taking away her purse or keys or cell phone for a while. I don't doubt this. One thing I noticed back when we first moved in together was a change in her response to an argument. The first two times that we had an argument after moving in together, she ran and locked herself in the bathroom. That's fear, and she learned that behavior from dealing with that guy, because I don't hit women, period. Now that I know about this guy (he introduced himself to me in January), the abuse escalated for a while, and he has been stalking me intermittently. Sometimes when she is late coming home from work or school, he drives over to my place to see if her car is here.

So she knows that she can't just leave this guy, because he won't leave her alone. My solution is simple: get a restraining order and enforce it. But she wanted to try other things, like getting couples counseling so the counselor could tell him to stop abusing her and let her leave. He never agreed to the counseling. So now she is thinking of just pulling a vanishing act. She transferred to a different university without telling him (she has the mail sent to her mother's house) and can easily get her job transfered to a different location in our area. She also plans to live in the dormitory in the fall, so he won't be able to easily find her like he could if she just moved back in with me. After I buy a house, she can eventually move back in with me. Hypothetically speaking.

[VincenzoG91]

129K for a house!?!? Where do you live? Detroit?

I make much less than you (51K before taxes) and I paid 214K for my frikken condo. (Given than I live in the most expensive place in Canada to live, but shit, I would kill for a 129K house).

How have you not bought a house out of straight cash!?

I think there was a dating question, but once I saw the house stuff my mind went elsewhere.

I'm guessing that you live in Vancouver. Online friends have told me before how crazy the real estate market is there, ever since all those HK millionaires moved in back in '97. Detroit is a whole different kind of crazy. You can buy a house in some parts of Detroit for less than the cost of a new car. And due to a dramatic drop in population over the last few decades, they are seriously talking about bulldozing down entire blocks of abandoned housing there.

I live in the Twin Cities (Minnesota). Housing prices heated up here during the '90s and '00s, but have been dropping for more than two years now. Houses that were selling for $150K are now going for just over a $100K. The houses that I'm looking at tend to have 3 bedrooms, a 2-stall garage, an average of 1,500 square feet, plus a finished basement that isn't included in the square footage. At the high end of my search, I'm seeing really nice-looking houses like that going for $130K to $140K. At the low end of my search, I'm seeing older houses that could use a little fixing up, selling for $115K to $120K.

[VincenzoG91]

I love your contribution to this forum Vincenzo and so many of your posts hit the nail on the head.

I worry that you're even considering taking back this woman who cheated on you. Why? Chances are she'll do it again and bleed you dry at the same time. I would not give her the time of day.

I'm awake right now with some bad insomnia, for the third night in a row. It's like back in February, when I woke up every night around 4 or 5 AM, angry and worried and sad. But for most of the last six weeks, I was sleeping well, at peace for the moment. Tonight I woke up angry. Waiting an extra day to talk about this whole situation with Amy has made me irrationally angry, like I just want to yell mean things in her face and then banish her from life. It would be satisfying to do that, probably for about 5 minutes. In the long run, I would regret the chance to have a longer and more in-depth conversation with her about what kind of future we might have. I hope that I can calm down before tonight, because if this ends up being the last time that I ever talk to Amy, I want everything to be said that needs to be said.

[vashti]

I never liked the drama. I'm an accountant, so I'm okay with the idea of a safe, stable, boring life. I had enough excitement in my 20s and 30s to last the rest of my life without it. I'm sorry to hear that you're with somebody who doesn't appreciate you.

I'm not "with" him. He's a nice man though, so we just go out from time to time. And actually, I think he DOES appreciate my normalcy, and even believes that he wants it for himself. I just think he doesn't know what his role would be in a normal relationship..

[VincenzoG91]

I think there should be a whole thread about this Vash as I feel the same...countless stories of nice guys being strung along by unstable gfriends with baggage and history...I've tried my best over the past few years to make myself the most eligible and I'm not unattractive...and still I keep seeing the nicest guys wasting time saving someone who can't be saved.

Opposites attract, like hammer and anvil.

[sookie6]

Opposites attract, like hammer and anvil.

Opposites attract yes until it ruins your life literally...but what about the bit where I say Amy should learn to stand by herself...should you not let her at least take sometime to grow as an adult...personally I would find you smothering with your fatherlike approach to a relationship...taking her in charge like she is either a child or an elderly...instead of helping her gropwing up you might very well delay her progress in being in charge of her life..

[Nicholas_V]

...should you not let her at least take sometime to grow as an adult...

I only know Amy from Vincenzo's descriptions, but my impression of her is that she is the type who needs to cling to someone to achieve her goals. If it was not Vincenzo, it would be someone else.

She also appears to be very manipulative - a dangerous combination.

At least this is how she comes through to me from all the related posts I have read about her. Vincenzo, think very seriously about this - so many people saying the same thing cannot be totally wrong.

[VincenzoG91]

Opposites attract yes until it ruins your life literally...but what about the bit where I say Amy should learn to stand by herself...should you not let her at least take sometime to grow as an adult...

She was self-sufficient when I first met her, up until that first surgery. Her life was a busy and precarious balance between work and school, and it fell apart during her recovery. I couldn't help her at first, I was in the process of leaving a bad job without the next one lined up. A few months later, I landed a very good job and then offered to help her when she was hitting rock bottom. In hindsight, that's when things became dysfunctional between us.

[VincenzoG91]

I only know Amy from Vincenzo's descriptions, but my impression of her is that she is the type who needs to cling to someone to achieve her goals. If it was not Vincenzo, it would be someone else.

She also appears to be very manipulative - a dangerous combination.

At least this is how she comes through to me from all the related posts I have read about her. Vincenzo, think very seriously about this - so many people saying the same thing cannot be totally wrong.

My previous ex was a much better manipulator. She was a smooth liar, and she used her kids effectively, as an excuse for her bad behavior and to directly manipulate me with hugs and tears.

Compared to that, Amy was pretty direct. She was more likely to directly argue with me than to try any manipulation. Instead of lying about things, she would just go silent and withhold information.

[sookie6]

This thread is getting bigger..it reminds me of a crowd gathering after a big crash or a train wreck...except this one is in the making and although we're sending serious loud warnings to Vince he does not seem to hear...