He has a girlfriend... is he into me or not?

[Wakeup]

This isn't how people operate, tho.

Well this is how they should operate and that's what this whole thread has been about. It's about her lack of integrity in pursuing (thanks for the spelling correction) that most of us have been replying to. No one said he wasn't at fault.

If she doesn't pursue (this is how its spelled) him, he will just do it with someone else.

That was my point If all the enablers stopped enabling cheaters to cheat then they wouldn't have anyone to be practicing infidelity with. If there was no one else then they couldn't. The scenerio is unlikely, but for the sake of this thread it makes sense. Had she not asked to meet him, then she would not be pining away for a man that she had no business even being with.

And there IS always someone else.

That doesn't make it right and it doesn't excuse or resolve from guilt the person who is aiding and abetting. Forget the reference as being religious.. It is about integrity more than about religion. It's source is just a religious figure.

So really, if you want to remove the problem of infidelity, you should be counselling her to deliberately lead him on and then bust his chops somehow so there is a lesson learned. Or contact his GF, or something like.

So if we want murderers to learn not to murder we should ask them to kill someone so that they are punished for it and learn a lesson? Over-the-top analogy, but I think you get my point?

But if the issue is not to eliminate infidelity, but to improve her own personal development, then I think she should be congratulated for recognizing the problem and stopping at this point where her thoughts and wishes are crashing hard against the reality of the situation and the likely consequences of her ACTIONS should she CHOOSE to take them.

I acknowledged that it looks like she has learned a lesson by stopping to contact this man... However: She certainly shouldn't be congratulated for asking us for advice on whether or not he liked her and asking us how she can improve her position with him.

We could go back and forth forever. I understand that you think a single person is not doing anything wrong by aiding and abetting a cheater to cheat. Somehow I don't think you'd be so understanding of this someone, if this someone was the one that was going after your SO.

Thank you. I guess we agree to disagree

[IndiReloaded]

Well this is how they should operate and that's what this whole thread has been about. It's about her lack of integrity in pursuing (thanks for the spelling correction) that most of us have been replying to. No one said he wasn't at fault.

That was my point If all the enablers stopped enabling cheaters to cheat then they wouldn't have anyone to be practicing infidelity with. If there was no one else then they couldn't. The scenerio is unlikely, but for the sake of this thread it makes sense. Had she not asked to meet him, then she would not be pining away for a man that she had no business even being with.

Yes, but that's a lot of IFs and is inconsistent with the reality of how humans operate, presently and historically. But I agree that one can only control oneself, which is what she seems to be struggling with. The fact that it IS a struggle in her case, and not in his, says potentially good things about her character. You tend to get what you expect from people, is my point.

So if we want murderers to learn not to murder we should ask them to kill someone so that they are punished for it and learn a lesson? Over-the-top analogy, but I think you get my point?

I get it, but its not really my point. The fact that we charge people for *attempted* murder might be more relevant.

I understand that you think a single person is not doing anything wrong by aiding and abetting a cheater to cheat. Somehow I don't think you'd be so understanding of this someone, if this someone was the one that was going after your SO.

Thank you. I guess we agree to disagree

No, I didn't say she wasn't wrong (sorry for the dbl neg). But I do admire her recognizing the problem and wanting to do something about it. As for my husband, actually I would be more concerned about his behaviour than the intruding woman in such a hypothetical situation. Of course, my attitude might be the reason I've never had to deal with this scenario.

I think, on average, I just tend to be more solution-focussed than blame-focussed and much more pragmatic about drivers of human behaviour.

We could go back and forth forever.

Agree. I simply want the OP to know that there is value in trying to be better (else as you say she wouldn't have posted) and not everyone will dump on her for her effort. The past is so damned useless except as a source of data for moving forward.

[scd]

After reading all your responses, yes I am convinced I was wrong for having the thoughts that I had (about pursuing him and continuing the situation/relationship? between us).

However I have to say that with all honesty I did not think by meeting up with him I was doing anything wrong (and still don't). I should reiterate in case nobody read my first message properly, it's been about 2.5 months since we met up in person. ie a lot as happened between then and now. The first time definitely I just wanted to meet up to put a name to a face, and the second time only because the first time we didn't have enough time to talk.

At that point I was not pursuing him but it was only because we had such a nice time together the second time that I realised I was starting to get feelings for him. And the things/feelings I wrote about in my first message only happened over the last few days because we hadn't actually had that much contact since March. If I was actively pursuing him wouldn't I have tried to do more? If what I did was wrong then yes, I realise now. But I can't help if it I was naive/totally confused. I honestly never meant to hurt anyone and I do realise now the only person to get hurt is me. His gf DID know about me, he was not going about this behind her back (at least not all the time). I'm not excusing his behaviour but I feel nothing but pain and sorrow. I guess I was just seeking a friend and it escalated out of control. It's not easy being in a foreign country where you don't know anyone, have no partner, no family or close friends... it's very isolating literally and figuratively. It's easy to judge me when you don't know everything.

[Petit Papillon]

So just turn off your computer and go out . Of course it's hard in a foreign country, but you have two legs, mouth ,ears and head AND you're a woman so it's already much easier for you to meet people . Internet is not the best place to look for real friends.

[scd]

I Have done that if you read my first post. Where did I say that I went on the internet to look for friends? It just so happened that I became attracted to him, yes, but that was not why I used that website. If I wanted to use the internet for meeting people or dating I would but that was not what I was doing.

[Petit Papillon]

You said you felt lonely in a different country and it made you want to meet a stranger from the internet .

[IndiReloaded]

Well, so what are you going to do now, scd? That's really the only thing that matters. Are you going to keep in contact with him? I (and the others here) would strongly recommend NOT.

[scd]

I'm always on invisible on Skype and he (also invisible) just sent me a couple of messages asking me how I am etc.. He said he's been thinking of me and took photos of his recent trip for me. It's been 6 days since we've had contact. I am ignoring him.

I suppose you are all happy now I did the right thing. It's killing me to do so and breaking my heart.

[Petit Papillon]

You do the right thing, trust us.

[lisa2011]

I'm sorry but I think you are a friend to him. Maybe he is interested in you but sounds like he doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend. Maybe what you have is like an emotional affair. Sounds like you really like him though. Maybe talk to him and find out if he's happy with his girlfriend or if the r/ship is rocky.

[hello1]

I'm always on invisible on Skype and he (also invisible) just sent me a couple of messages asking me how I am etc.. He said he's been thinking of me and took photos of his recent trip for me. It's been 6 days since we've had contact. I am ignoring him.

I suppose you are all happy now I did the right thing. It's killing me to do so and breaking my heart.

Oh poor little you! its breaking YOUR HEART. What about his poor girlfriend who has no idea what her boyfriend is saying too you and getting up too? she is the one I feel sorry for, she is the one being played like a fool.

As a woman I do not understand why you could even want date a man who would cheat on his girlfriend, what does that say about him? it says he is a loser. You were married, how would you have felt if the man you loved was playing around with a woman behind your back? saying he thinking of her etc. You would be devestated.

Simple fact is some women for some strange reason (bad childhood I think) like to chase men in relationships. What they don't realise in their empty heads is that the man willing to cheat hasn't got very strong morals so that should be a turn off!

That girl boyfriend is horrible too, yes and he is gearing up for a sexual relationship with you and that is his fault as his the one with the partner not you BUT as a woman I just wished we weren't all out to bitch at each other but helped and respected each other. You know be a lot less cheating in the world if that was the case.

[Bonfire]

I don't think the guy with the gf did anything wrong, at least there was not enough evidence to make that judgment. He was simply being a good friend. There was no flirtation as the poster has indicated. He even kept his distance when she tried to make physical advancement. I don't think the original poster is a bad person. She simply made a bad judgement. She allow her feelings to get the best of her. She has become aware of her mistake. Sometimes the lines between right and wrong can be blurred by emotions. We are bound to err, we are human after all.

[scd]

So do I just continue to ignore him?

What if after a while he asks me what is going on?

Do I owe him an explanation? I feel it's a bit rude to just suddenly disappear...

[Wakeup]

So do I just continue to ignore him?

What if after a while he asks me what is going on?

Do I owe him an explanation? I feel it's a bit rude to just suddenly disappear...

It is rude to just ignore him and not only that, by not ending it outright you are psychologically leaving a door open to re-establish things when you get weak about it.

So:

Email him and: Thank him for his kindness and tell him that you have decided to end your corespondence with one another while you concentrate on your self improvment and you think that due to him being married that your interaction with one another is inapporpriate to his wife and you no longer wish to continue down the path you were headed.

Do not let him talk you into any other meetings or back and forth corespondence that will keep you emotionally tied to him.

Close the door and keep it shut.

[Wakeup]

I'm sorry but I think you are a friend to him. Maybe he is interested in you but sounds like he doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend. Maybe what you have is like an emotional affair. Sounds like you really like him though. Maybe talk to him and find out if he's happy with his girlfriend or if the r/ship is rocky.

It doesn't matter if their relationship is rocky or not. People should stay out of other peoples personal business and let them work it our on their own or break it up on their own without the help of enablers who will aid and abet cheaters to cheat. The condition of his marriage is no one's biz but his and his wifes and it shouldn't make a difference. The very fact he is married should tell you and anyone else that they should stay away from dabling in emotions with him. 99.9999% of the time they will not leave their marriage for the person they cheated with. Why put yourself in that emotional run-away-train wreck?