After 3 years: GF less into me the past weeks

[LoneWolfie]

I hate this routine. This you can't fix, and don't even bother trying. This is another clear indication she has no idea what she wants. I hate it when my boyfriend does this sh*t.

On the bright side, she knows she does this and she has shown interest in changing this.
Infact about a month or two ago she suggested that i should pick a day every now and then where i tell her she has to choose what we will do together, and if she doesnt choose, then i would go off do my own thing until she stops being difficult.

[LoneWolfie]

For those interested i figured i would give a little update a week after this stuff started.

Ever since sunday things seemed back to normal and i havent given it much thought till today. We spend a tiny bit less time together than we would usually do as she has been more busy with her online friends playing World of Warcraft.
Nevertheless it's been a lovely week without insecurity or grumpiness. And a healthy amount of fun, affection, intimacy and doing stuff alone or with friends.

A few days ago we were watching a TV series and the subject of love was mentioned in a particular scene. I started idly talking about how our feelings of being "in love" and having butterflies in your stomach have faded, to which she agree that was pretty much the case.
When i added that we now have a more stable feeling of actually really loving each other she agreed and mentioned that this kind of love was better and more reliable.

Last night her World of Warcraft time was cut short and she was dissapointed, but she mentioned we could atleast get some decent 'together time' now, and so we did. She seemed quite cuddly and happy.

When i came home from work today she was at her own house (well her parents' house) and we chat on MSN about 5 minutes before she went to get ready to go out clubbing again tonight with her friends. I was a bit suprised and sad to see that she seems to be going clubbing on a weekly basis now. It's unlikely i'll be able to talk to her again today, which sucks but i'll go find something to do by myself, or with friends.

On a side note, i have a pretty strong dislike of clubs because of painful past experiences and i once promised myself never to date a clubbing girl again. Which is ironic since i am planning to marry a girl who is a huge fan of clubbing and has a very 'colourful' sexual past. Clubbing is pretty much the only thing we have done together that i dislike.
I am pretty sure that if i met my girlfriend in a club insted of online my prejudice would have made me disregard her as an unfaithful 'club slut'.

Fortunately it proved unfounded so far as aside from a single short drunken kiss she felt extremely guilty about and told me right away she has been behaving as a girl in a relationship should.
Her comments on the love subject earlier this week did actually made me feel a little more at ease about the possibility of her meeting someone fresh, exciting and her falling in love with and leaving me for him. Though that worry is still always present.

Thanks for listening/reading me rant. I got some hobbies to do.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're boring. She's bored. She likes going out to 'play' with fun guys. I wonder just how far the playing goes??

[LoneWolfie]

You're boring. She's bored. She likes going out to 'play' with fun guys. I wonder just how far the playing goes??

I am not sure if you are cynical and bitter or being a troll.

[lahnnabell]

No, he's being serious. He's basically telling you that you shouldn't turn a complete blind eye to this behavior. Though you say you feel like you're 21, you don't have the stereotypical mentality of a guy in his early 20s. You seem very much content to be at home and not getting wasted. There is nothing wrong with that. I think more men at your age need to realize the frat party is over.

However, SHE is 21. Like I said. Might be a couple more years before she really slows down.

[LoneWolfie]

No, he's being serious. He's basically telling you that you shouldn't turn a complete blind eye to this behavior. Though you say you feel like you're 21, you don't have the stereotypical mentality of a guy in his early 20s. You seem very much content to be at home and not getting wasted. There is nothing wrong with that. I think more men at your age need to realize the frat party is over.

However, SHE is 21. Like I said. Might be a couple more years before she really slows down.

Yes well his word play suggested she is doing inappropriate things with other guys. That went way too far. My girlfriend and i talked about flirting etc a few times and we both agreed not to flirt with other people and let people hitting on us know we're not interested. And i have no reason to believe she's lying to me or decieving me. The only things i hear from her friends when i ask about their nights out is that my GF tends to ramble to guys about me till they get bored and give up trying to hit on her.

So what are you two suggesting i do? Go clubbing with her every time? I love going out with her wherever she wants, pubs, bars, etc. But she prefers dancing in clubs and partying. I go with her clubbing about 1 out of 3-4 times.

Should i deny her the freedom to go clubbing? confront her about ...well what really? She hasnt done anything wrong as far as i know.

And id be happy to go out drinking etc. We did that earlier this week, went to a pub with friends, drank, got home and crashed in bed together. Went to work with a slight hangover, ouch hehe.

But seriously, i am doing my very best not to worry and trust her not to do something stupid. Comments like those of 'pullbackorgetstng' are not helpful at all. Basically suggesting i SHOULD be paranoid and worried etc... :S

[lahnnabell]

Yes well his word play suggested she is doing inappropriate things with other guys. That went way too far. My girlfriend and i talked about flirting etc a few times and we both agreed not to flirt with other people and let people hitting on us know we're not interested. And i have no reason to believe she's lying to me or decieving me. The only things i hear from her friends when i ask about their nights out is that my GF tends to ramble to guys about me till they get bored and give up trying to hit on her.

So what are you two suggesting i do? Go clubbing with her every time? I love going out with her wherever she wants, pubs, bars, etc. But she prefers dancing in clubs and partying.

Should i deny her the freedom to go clubbing? confront her about ...well what really? She hasnt done anything wrong as far as i know.

And id be happy to go out drinking etc. We did that earlier this week, went to a pub with friends, drank, got home and crashed in bed together. Went to work with a slight hangover, ouch hehe.

Of course you shouldn't deny her freedom. But please, don't think for a second that her girlfriends aren't gonna back her up. It's possible that they might be smart enough to realize that if they don't tell you what you want to hear, you'll forbid your girlfriend to go out. Which is ridiculous, because she can do what she wants anyway. And she will.

See... dancing with your girls is very different from going to a pub and then going home and crashing (sorry, it can get downright boring). Dancing you work up a sweat, you let go of your inhibitions and you enjoy the music. A lot more fun than just going to some bar only to pass out next to each other afterward. Unless it's a sexy bar In which case sexy times can ensue afterward!

[LoneWolfie]

Of course you shouldn't deny her freedom. But please, don't think for a second that her girlfriends aren't gonna back her up. It's possible that they might be smart enough to realize that if they don't tell you what you want to hear, you'll forbid your girlfriend to go out. Which is ridiculous, because she can do what she wants anyway. And she will.

See... dancing with your girls is very different from going to a pub and then going home and crashing (sorry, it can get downright boring). Dancing you work up a sweat, you let go of your inhibitions and you enjoy the music. A lot more fun than just going to some bar only to pass out next to each other afterward. Unless it's a sexy bar In which case sexy times can ensue afterward!

It was a regular bar, we went with friends, we almost pissed ourselves laughing a few times. ...and me and my girlfriend had sexy times between the coming home and crashing.

I know she loves dancing and that it might be more fun at times than doing things i like doing with her. But i am far from boring. Sadly, i am a terrible dancer and it makes me feel very very awkward if i try.

She used to have a job as dancer in clubs. Clothed of course, but although she was great at it and they wanted her to work more often she felt a bit uncomfortable with being on a stage and being 'put on display like a piece of meat' and quit after a few months.

I remember about a year ago she came home clubbing and asked me excitedly how many people she danced with. I figured she broke some record and gave her a random number, she grinned and told me it was zero. She danced the entire night by herself because she wanted to show she's mine even if im not around.

Now the past 2 weeks, and probably at this moment, she danced with guys, which is fine as long as it isnt grinding, which she doesnt do unless it's with me. She considers grinding a sexual act and a form of cheating so she doesnt want to do that with others. Same counts for foot massages, though that's not related to clubbing.

And yeah i get her friends might back her up.

I still do not understand what you two suggest i should do then.... other than not turning a blind eye to it. Which sounds to me like you are advicing me to be paranoid about her clubbing behaviour, which would make me feel crap and insecure.

[lahnnabell]

Dancing in clubs always incorporates grinding. I love to grind with my gay buddies.

[LoneWolfie]

In limited space she bumps into guys of course and the movement results in accidental rubbing, but she doesnt allow guys to grind up against her ass or boobs or grind into their crotch. That would be dryhumping and would make me upset and angry at her.


EDIT: Urgh, i cannot believe this. The past few posts have started to make me nervous, insecure and terrible. Now i feel like asking her if she still refuses grinding in clubs. Damnit!

[lahnnabell]

In limited space she bumps into guys of course and the movement results in accidental rubbing, but she doesnt allow guys to grind up against her ass or boobs or grind into their crotch. That would be dryhumping and would make me upset and angry at her.


EDIT: Urgh, i cannot believe this. The past few posts have started to make me nervous, insecure and terrible. Now i feel like asking her if she still refuses grinding in clubs. Damnit!

Look, we're not trying to make you crazy, but you come off as terribly naive in your posts.

[LoneWolfie]

Look, we're not trying to make you crazy, but you come off as terribly naive in your posts.

Ok, explain or give examples please.

[lahnnabell]

Fortunately it proved unfounded so far as aside from a single short drunken kiss she felt extremely guilty about and told me right away she has been behaving as a girl in a relationship should.
Her comments on the love subject earlier this week did actually made me feel a little more at ease about the possibility of her meeting someone fresh, exciting and her falling in love with and leaving me for him. Though that worry is still always present.

But she hasn't been behaving as you wish she would which is why I said your age gap seems to be showing you two are incompatible. No matter how you slice it, you really don't like her going out and drinking around a bunch of strange people. Why not at least try to accompany her every now and then? Would she be cool with you going?

And i have no reason to believe she's lying to me or decieving me. The only things i hear from her friends when i ask about their nights out is that my GF tends to ramble to guys about me till they get bored and give up trying to hit on her.

Well, she did already sort of cheat on you once. And that's probably what has set up this initial distrust. I'm sorry, but girls don't go to clubs to talk about their boyfriends. And if she does, well, lame.

I remember about a year ago she came home clubbing and asked me excitedly how many people she danced with. I figured she broke some record and gave her a random number, she grinned and told me it was zero. She danced the entire night by herself because she wanted to show she's mine even if im not around.

While this may be true, it sounds like something I would say to a boyfriend I was infatuated with. Now she doesn't seem so infatuated. This is why we keep saying that you need to develop your own agenda and stop waiting at the door for her to come home. Really dive into a new hobby and forget she even exists for a time. I can guarantee you she's not sitting at the bar daydreaming about you when she's clubbing. And if she is, well, lame again.

[LoneWolfie]

Thanks for the replies. I do know i can be very naive so i appreciate the input.

1: I do try to accompany her every now and then, i believe i mentioned i go with her about 1 out of 3-4 times she goes clubbing. She is cool with me coming along, and seems to like it when i make an effort to join her in her interests or attempt to dance and ignore my awkwardness. Though last week i was unable to come along and i asked her if she preferred if i was able to come along, she said "yeah, guess so." I found that a not so very enthousiastic reply but it was right in the middle of that "not feeling so into you the past 2 weeks" talk so it might have been different had i asked her today.

2: My insecurity and worries actually started before that time she kissed a guy. Appearantly she and her friends were goofing around with this shy guy in a club and trying to make blush, someone suggested kissing him and my GF was too wasted to think and she made the stupid mistake of kissing him and they all laughed their asses off. The next day she couldnt remember it until her friend, the same one who made the suggestion of kissing him, told her about it. She got physically sick and had a big panic attack when she heard it and she came strait to me to tell me. She stopped hanging out with the girl that made the suggestion.
She doesnt go to clubs to talk about me of course, but she can be chatty when tipsy and when guys hit on her she doesnt want to be mean she just mentions me a few times till they get the hint.

3: I am trying to develop my own agenda yes. Which should not have involved posting and talking about my relationship because it seemed to only make it worse, oops. What started out as a little update turned into this.
She still dances by herself sometimes btw. As for daydreaming at the bar, there have been a few times where she cried a little because she wished i was with her, but the last time that happened was about 5 months ago as far as i know. I agree she isnt doing that but insted laughing, drinking and chatting and dancing with girls and guys alike. And i am trying my best not to worry or be paranoid about guys seducing her, her cheating on me or dirty dancing with people. Even though she might be doing those things without me finding out, but i have no indication she might be doing that, or not doing that. I guess that's what trust is about? Dunno, i try not to think about it and just keep busy, she'll just enjoy and miss me more when she has been without me for a while.

And if it turns out she's unable to act like a girl in a relationship, well then she can be a single girl and ill find something better. Naive, insecure or not, i know i am a damn good boyfriend who can make a girl really happy.

[lahnnabell]

The less you stop letting your life revolve around this relationship, the less dependent you'll be on her at all. Ideally, you want it to be a choice. You don't want to get stuck with someone for the next 30+ years just because they were too lazy to uproot themselves. You want to know that they made the best choice they could've made, for themselves and your relationship.