Please help, just give me some input!!!

[syrup]

Were not in the line of work that you can just get another job just like that. And anyhow I have to tell her how I feel and see how she feels before I start thinking about that, One step at a time.

[syrup]

Okay, so she is driving a company vehicle and I am in the passenger seat, and I turn to her with a confident smile and say "I have something I need to tell you" she replies with "Oh no, this can't be good" I reply with "No, it's not bad at all, it could be bad for me but not for you, and you already know what it is, I have made it obvious but I just havent said it" she then became flustered and nervous and said "I'm very nervous and my chest hurts and no sentance can be good if it's started that way, it always ends up being, your dad died, I'm gay, etc." I replied "No its not like that, and again you know what I am going to say anyhow" she replied "No I really don't know" and a little more of that back and forth continued until we ended up in front of the building where she said "stop or I'm getting out and going in" and I replied "your awsome......." and she promptly got out and went inside. What the F@#K, I expected three things, I would wuss out, she would say yes I feel the same, or no I do not feel the same. Argh, I texted her after she got out asking if I could call (no response) and hour or so later I emailed her and told her that I was sorry for upsetting her and that I just needed to get "it" out so I can move on or figure everything out. I asked her to think about calling me the next day so we could talk. I further advised if not that I would drop it and not bring it up unless she wanted to and that our friendship was more important to me.

So what did I do wrong, what do you think is going on with her, why wouldn't she just let me say it, and why on Earth would acting in this way make sense. I just want to know if I need to move on or if there can be and us in the future, I just wanted to know if there could a chance for us at some point. I'm upset but I can move on if thats what I need to do, I'm just confused about her reaction to "I have something I need to tell you", why was she so emotiinal, was she scared?

[James Banes]

She's letting her past problems torture her, and she's self-sabotaging her relationship with you. It also might mean she doesn't want to commit to anything with you.

This is why I told you it's a bad idea to get with a woman at your job. Now she might avoid you at work and you'll be thinking about the messy entanglement of having your personal problems right there with you at work.

[syrup]

Guy, I really don't care what you think about the work thing, at least I tried. Now I don't have to think what we could have had, she can avoid me all she wants. I made the move and stepped up and if she can't even let me say what I feel and just tell me no, then I guess it's not meant to be. We don't have to work together as much as we do so I'm going to back off, I had feelings I needed to get out and it seems she feels whatever her feelings are more important. I still feel that same and I won't act the same but I won't act negatively to her. You really need to lay of the work thing, we both still did out jobs and will continue to do so. Also I'm just getting out of a marriage where my wife of nearly eight years screwed me, getting rejected is a cakewalk compared to that.

[James Banes]

You made several mistakes, syrup.

1. You told her you love her too early. Have you even had sex with her yet or kissed her? That creeps out a woman when you express devotion before intimacy. Only express love until your pretty damn positive she feels the same way.
2. You could have chosen a more romantic moment to express your feelings than in the company car on the way to work.
3. You didn't listen to her. She didn't want to hear big statements from you, either positive or negative. When you told her she knew what you were gonna say and she said she didn't, that was a bad sign. When she said she would run away if you told her your big statement, that was a worse sign. She simply wasn't ready to hear any big statements from you.
4. You're trying too hard to fall in love. You don't feel comfortable talking to this woman as you would a normal person.
5. You're unable to admit your own faults. You say you're wife screwed you over, but what did you do or not do to make her screw you over? A woman won't cheat on a man who satisfies her emotionally.

[syrup]

Um never told her I love her and didn't intend to, you couldn't be more wrong. And we talked last night, we share the same feelings. She's a bit apprehensive but I think she's afraid I'm going to hurt her so she's holding back. We WILL be getting together for a dinner or something so we can talk, and she is the one who keeps telling me that my wife screwed me over and that it wasn't my fault. If you're not going to fully read and understand this thread please stop leaving comments, so far you are no help and are just bothering me. And take your full name off James not a good idea to let everyone know your age, location, and full name, this shows how much you really don't think.

[James Banes]

My age and location is true. But...hmmm...my name could be a phony one I use on the internet. It's possible.

Also, you sort of did tell her you love her. You said, "You're awesome," which has the same syllables as "I love you." Women read into that kind of stuff.

Lastly, what kind of help do you want? It looks like you're proud of yourself. Why take it out on me, kid?

[syrup]

Um....been telling her she is awesome since she started, and before these feelings started, and it's not even close to "I love you" (please try not to presume). I just want people's opinions who have FULLY read my entries rather than gave them a quick look and a half hearted response to boost their own ego. And don't think you know the meaning behind what I say, I may send signals but they are clearer than that. And I'm not taking anything out on you, you're just consistently incorrect after misreading things and because you think you know what you're talking about. I'm just asking that you try to better understand and do not assume before you make you're comments, I want to know what you think only if there is thought behind what you are saying.

[searock]

we talked last night, we share the same feelings. She's a bit apprehensive but I think she's afraid I'm going to hurt her so she's holding back. We WILL be getting together for a dinner or something so we can talk, and she is the one who keeps telling me that my wife screwed me over and that it wasn't my fault.

I am so glad that you finally got to tell her how you feel - and that she reciprocates!
Keep us updated

[bulrush]

Okay, so she is driving a company vehicle and I am in the passenger seat, and I turn to her with a confident smile and say "I have something I need to tell you"

So what did I do wrong, what do you think is going on with her, why wouldn't she just let me say it, and why on Earth would acting in this way make sense. I just want to know if I need to move on or if there can be and us in the future, I just wanted to know if there could a chance for us at some point. I'm upset but I can move on if thats what I need to do, I'm just confused about her reaction to "I have something I need to tell you", why was she so emotiinal, was she scared?

Well you had this big buildup for an important message, and you kept dragging it out, even when she seemed agitated and wanted to know right away. Then all you said was "You're awesome." *insert Price Is Right fail music here* She said "stop" which means "Stop dragging this out any longer, and just say it."

You should be more clear when you say you like her and want to date her.

Also, she seems to have some insecurities, which she showed during this conversation in the company car. That's going to affect most parts of your relationship. Be careful.

[James Banes]

syrup, I apologize for not reading your posts as best as I could. You truly do need to work on your spelling and grammar. Since English is a subject I've always excelled in, bad grammar irks me. That's why I don't spent much time on messageboards. It seems like the majority of posters on each board have bad grammar.

Plus, you asked for input. But it looks like you should have said input that you like. I apologize if my input is not to your liking. I am not a mind-reader.

[syrup]

She is insecure, she shows it, and has admitted to it. She even advised once that she is "difficult to be with", she is difficult to just try to be with. But even when she gets me flustered and second guessing myself I still want to march on. At least I will always know I tried no matter the outcome, I'd hate to think that I would have looked back and wish I tried when I didn't. When we talked it was more of an argument because she was just going to pretend that the night before didn't happen. I didn't like this and I was a bit grouchy to say the least, I still did my job but I was not being sociable with her. She became pissy and we finally ended up more or less arguing about it, in a nut shell I think she is afraid to be a re-bound and getting hurt (she brought up me having a re-bound). She brought up dating while still working together and said if we didn't work together we could. She also said she knew and knew that I knew but didn't want it open because things would be weird. Again I think she is putting up walls believing she is protecting herself. I asked if this meant we couldn't hang out anymore and she advised that we could, I advised that I just wanted to talk about this outside of work and she was fine with that. So she's still going out with me even though I brought it out in the open so I believe she is just afraid. I just have to do my best and hopefully she can see that I am not interested in a re-bound type thing. I am still a bit frustrated though, I really wanted to get everything I felt and thought out, but due to a increased workload it was difficult to hold a conversation without interruption. I still have to really tell her my feelings and I want to do it at a good/comfortable, time/setting to ensure it shows I am being meaningful.

[James Banes]

Okay, at first I was feeling bad. Thinking I was giving negative advice and not reading it. Now I see I really was reading this whole thing right.

She has stated she's insecure and difficult. I pointed that out when I said she was letting her past problems sabotage her current relationship with you. She agrees with my opinion that it might be a bad idea to date at work. She is pretending that night never happened and thinks she's the rebound chick. I pointed this out when I said she might not want to commit to you.

She has proven me right and agreed with me when I said the negative things about banging a chick at work; her being insecure; and her not feeling this is a relationship worth committment. Yet you tried to act like I was wrong, syrup? What the crap, dude?

You know what you're problem is? You don't listen to people. If they say something you don't like, you immediately start passing negative judgments on them. This woman has problems and is unable to see this relationship as serious. However, you cannot acknowledge the verbal and nonverbal ways she's communicating with you. She's found a nonverbal way to say your desperation is making her uncomfortable. Think about that, will you?

[searock]

James Banes, I too think that you haven't been reading carefully all of syrup's posts. It's the impression I get when reading some of your replies, it seems like you're missing some of the main points and just want to be right, so you get upset when things turn out to be a bit different than you thought. JMO. Anyway, this thread is not about you, so I'll get back to the topic.

OP, it does seems like she's afraid that things might get weird. I think she needs some time to think this over. Maybe she wasn't ready for you to come out in the open yet. And, especially if you have still been talking about your wife lately (even if in a negative way), she obviously might be afraid of being some sort of a rebound - even if it's not your intention. After all this is quite a rough period for you, and you (maybe subconsciously) need someone to be close to you, who is there for you. She probably doesn't want to be that person, maybe she would like to be your romantic interest regardless of any other thing going on in your life. I know that you think that she would be "the one" even if you weren't going through the divorce (and it's very possible that you're right), but the fact remains that right now, you just can't know for sure - even less can she.

Try to give her some space now. I mean, be friendly as always, just don't push the romance part of your relationship. She probably needs time to think and reflect, so insisting might make her feel pressured. If you are unsure whether she has understood the way you feel, find the way to talk to her alone, calmly, without getting too emotional. Just state the facts, tell her that it's just to make sure she knows. As soon as she knows, it's really up to her to make the next move, one way or the other.

[James Banes]

searock, aren't you the limey who makes all those inappropriate posts? Or is that mwahaha?

No one is forced to take any advice here. But you overlook the fact that many, many people who post threads show hostility to advice they don't like. All the things I've posted his girlfriend has said. Yet he's mad at me for it. I don't post just to seem right. But when I am in this case right, why should I apologize?