Shy and geeky guys, please help

[lindalinda]

Yah, Shpadoinklejoe,
You're absolutely right. He is really bold in emails. He says something like "Hey you", i would not expect him saying that in real person.
And the first time he asked me out he just send me one message in email "do you want to get together tomorrow at noon" and he sent it 8pm the day before and expecting me checking email that night and meet him next day at noon?
who would do that. haha, Weird. I declined. haha

I am a shy geeky guy, i have missed great opportunities with beautiful women interested in me because i am shy. I can be very brave in e-mails, and show interest with flowers, but in person i clam up.
In this situation you have to be the aggressor.

[Yet another guy]

And the first time he asked me out he just send me one message in email "do you want to get together tomorrow at noon" and he sent it 8pm the day before and expecting me checking email that night and meet him next day at noon?
who would do that. haha, Weird. I declined. haha

So, you don't check your email after 8pm? Maybe you should tell that to him. Or... you should if you were interested in dating him. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

[Gypsybell]

thanks. Evo1114. It is also interesting that he is young and a genius at his work and a great leader, a ton of people under his guidance. But personal life, no confidence?
Can guys be conflicted like this?

Boy genius, singular subject focus, lacking social skills, but with manners, leadership and integrity. You are describing someone with possible borderline autism. This does not mean the person is mentally unstable, far from it. What it often does mean is that they have the ability to focus at genius level and often to the exclusion of everything else. They often don't have a naturally frivolous aspect and may appear awkward in social settings. This is their cross, because they are sincere and care deeply about their surroundings and the people in them. Familiarity is the answer. Give it time. They need to feel relaxed enough to feel valued as part of a group or relationship and then they shine in often quite amazing ways. Problem solving is their forte, and reliability, honesty, to a fault, they cannot cope with duplicity in others and would consider subterfuge a pure waste of time. And trust me, if you have diverted his attention from his work, then you are special to him. If you are attracted to him and want to deepen your relationship, then just be upfront and tell him you would like to share phone numbers, Maybe ask him to call you at a specific time, better still if you have a specific reason. This removes social uncertainty on his part and gives clear purpose. If he does not want to, he will likely tell you outright. Once he says he will do something he will. If you want to be part of his world then you need to take an interest in his work and also find other mutual interests. Once you have history together, he'll be fine. He may be a clam at casual social affairs, but get him on familiar ground and he'll shine. It can be a bit of a roe to hoe, but infinitely rewarding. Be prepared, when all that focus levels on you, it is likely to be totally and for keeps. Don't play games with this man. I wish you well.

[Wakeup]

^^^ You got all that out of one discriptive line about him?

Linda. I think he'd do well not to bother with you anymore. You want him to jump through hoops. He asked you out and he gave you his phone number in the invite.. Had you called him to let him know that you accepted his invitation and confirmed when and where to meet none of this would have happened. IMO, you caused a lot of drama when none was/is needed.

Better luck next time in finding a guy that is more apt to cater to what you want when you've never told him what you expect... Autistic or not.

[lindalinda]

Hi Wakeup,
you clearly did not read my thread. When he invited me in email, I did write back with time and location in email and my phone number as well. And he did not confirm my response. So I did not know if he is still up to the date or not. This is the whole thread is about!
He did go out with me today to the zoo. We had a great time. And he apologized saying that the reason he did not respond is he does not want to make me feel like that he is pushing me into a relationship. I told him that not confirming a friend's appointment does not show respect to the person. and I then I told him that I have no desire to push into a relationship, I just want to be friends at the moment and start from there.
It is a big relief for both of us, I think. And he is able to start to talk a lot of things outside his work.
And we are having lunch next week.

Just let you know, this is not drama,
I think a great relationship starts with a good friendship, which requires mutual respect.
The world is a lot simpler if people can just be sincere and tell each other what we really want!

^^^ You got all that out of one discriptive line about him?

Linda. I think he'd do well not to bother with you anymore. You want him to jump through hoops. He asked you out and he gave you his phone number in the invite.. Had you called him to let him know that you accepted his invitation and confirmed when and where to meet none of this would have happened. IMO, you caused a lot of drama when none was/is needed.

Better luck next time in finding a guy that is more apt to cater to what you want when you've never told him what you expect... Autistic or not.

[smackie9]

I met this very nice guy through online dating. We had two dates and it seems that he is very shy and geeky. He kept talking about work and his coworkers. Most topics I brought up he can eventually brought back to his work.

And after two dates, we still did not exchange phone numbers. But he gives me flowers each time he saw me. Immediately after each date, he sent me nice emails say how nice the date was and asked me out again.
It is a little weird that he did not exchange phone number with me.

Any shy guys have some tips how to talk to them and make them more open to me?

The only reason you are on here is to ask why he hasn't ask you for your number??? With 3 pages of posts I thought it was something serious. Why not just offer the exchange yourself geeeeeez.

Tip: shy guys prefer out going confident women to direct the relationship. If you looking for a man that will take the initiative to offer suggestions or take the lead, then stop dating shy guys.

[lindalinda]

Smackie9,
thanks. I figured this out through the help here. As for the confirmation of a date, it happened after my initial post. Sorry about this, i should start a new thread.

The only reason you are on here is to ask why he hasn't ask you for your number??? With 3 pages of posts I thought it was something serious. Why not just offer the exchange yourself geeeeeez.

Tip: shy guys prefer out going confident women to direct the relationship. If you looking for a man that will take the initiative to offer suggestions or take the lead, then stop dating shy guys.

[Wakeup]

Hi Wakeup,
you clearly did not read my thread. When he invited me in email, I did write back with time and location in email and my phone number as well. And he did not confirm my response. So I did not know if he is still up to the date or not. This is the whole thread is about

I clearly did read your thread in post # 10 you said this:

he emailed me his phone number last time he emailed for lunch and zoo. I emailed back telling him I would love for lunch and zoo and included my phone number.
Very strange. We both used Gmail account. It is not very possible that he did not get the email.

Why didn't you phone him instead of emailing?

He did go out with me today to the zoo. We had a great time. And he apologized saying that the reason he did not respond is he does not want to make me feel like that he is pushing me into a relationship. I told him that not confirming a friend's appointment does not show respect to the person. and I then I told him that I have no desire to push into a relationship, I just want to be friends at the moment and start from there.
It is a big relief for both of us, I think. And he is able to start to talk a lot of things outside his work.
And we are having lunch next week.

This is all new information. I suggest you use the telephone to connect with one another. All this drama will then be avoided.

Just let you know, this is not drama,
I think a great relationship starts with a good friendship, which requires mutual respect.
The world is a lot simpler if people can just be sincere and tell each other what we really want!

I think a relationship starts and last the test of time after you've established you like each other and want it to progress. The friendship part comes after, not before you've become intimate IMO. No one wants to be platonic friend zoned. And wanting friendship first has nothing to do with the drama that I mention needn't had occurred had one of you picked up the phone. Since he invited you via email and included his phone number.. I would have called him. That's how I see it.

Good luck I hope you learn how to communicate with one another and it turns into something more than plantonic buddies.

[lindalinda]

Wakeup,
Thank you.
{I clearly did read your thread in post # 10 you said this:
{he emailed me his phone number last time he emailed for lunch and zoo. I emailed back telling him I would love for lunch and zoo and included my phone number.
Very strange. We both used Gmail account. It is not very possible that he did not get the email.}
Why didn't you phone him instead of emailing? }
how could I know at that moment that I am supposed to call him? He and I have been emailing since early August and no problem until then. ?

[Wakeup]

Then it should have been very clear to you if this particular email was the only one that actually included his phone number. Further: If he hadn't confirmed the date and it was fast approaching then common sense would have told me to use the phone number he left me, call and then ask: "Are we still on for Saturday." If he didn't answer and it went to voice mail and he didn't call me back, then it would have been a clear indication that he was flaking on you.

I suspect after you didn't call when he sent you his number that you were not keen and you put the ball back in his court. Afterall, he did say to you that he didn't want to push you in anything. If I had been only emailing with someone for a month and then he included his phone number in an email I would call him. Phone is much better than email, at least you get your answer and you can learn more about someone through voice reflection. It's also more intimate than an email or a text.

There was a huge lack of communication up until your date including you asking if he was still interested and when he said "Yes and looking forward to it" you shot him down when all you had to do was call him to confirm.. (See posts 27 and 28 where I previously mentioned my thoughts on that )Do you see what I'm getting at here? You both were in total mis-communication as far as I can see so if you want this friendship to bloom, I'll suggest that you make sure you let him know what you expect by calmly explaining (or questioning if need be) whats up, "I'll call you" or "Call me on Wednesday to confirm." (etc.)

Best wishes.

[lindalinda]

Wakeup, if you are a guy,

there are a million dating advices and books in the U.S. that tell "A woman should never initiate a call, never initiate a date never ...." I am learning from those books. If a guy has a keen interested in me, he knows whatever way to get me. That is what I recently learned from all those books. Plus, I have been very nice and sincere to guys in the past and they all took me for granted and treated me with no respect after a few months of dating. I am braking my own pattern from now on.
If there anything that you guys wonder, why girls behave like bitches. Well, we were trained to be like this by our previous relationships.
i am reading "why men marry bitches" now, a great book and learned a lot about male psychology.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, if you are a guy,

Nope.

there are a million dating advices and books in the U.S. that tell "A woman should never initiate a call, never initiate a date never ...." I am learning from those books. If a guy has a keen interested in me, he knows whatever way to get me.

he didn't know how to get you but he still got the date. He's a push over and I will be surprised if your relationship progresses. (I hope I'm wrong) Any other guy (maybe one not so "shy") would have dumped you after you asked if he was still interested and then when he said yes, you said you'd made other plans. I don't know too many that would give you another look after that.

That is what I recently learned from all those books.

Throw them away and buy ones that teach you how to communicate ..

*snipped*

[Yet another guy]

there are a million dating advices and books in the U.S. that tell "A woman should never initiate a call, never initiate a date never ...." I am learning from those books.

And every one of them is full of bullshit. Guys, especially the shy ones, dream of a woman initiating a date.

If a guy has a keen interested in me, he knows whatever way to get me.

If he hasn't got a lot of dating experience, no, he doesn't.

[Wakeup]

And every one of them is full of bullshit. Guys, especially the shy ones, dream of a woman initiating a date.

There is a difference between chasing a guy and initiating a date. I don't believe in woman chasing a guy, or her doing ALL the pursuing but I do believe that initiating a date (when you've already been on a couple like the Op and this 'shy' guy have) is part of the fine dance of dating and showing mutual interest. A gal can't expect the man to do ALL of the pursuing ALL of the time, which is where I think Op is reading wrong.

[Yet another guy]

In my opinion, in the optimal case, both parties are interested enough to do the chasing.