Sorry guys, I broke all the rules and really messed up!

[C1d6OC]

Tonia, it is EXTREMELY hard. But the more you are able to handle it, it gets that much easier and you start to feel better about yourself as you can plainly see. Change your phone number if you have to...lol. Anyway, if it gets you frustrated enough, just ask him what he wants and why he keeps contacting you. You deserve to know. I hate to say it, but he needs to stop playing this game, because it's not working for you.

However, I do think that you will soon realize what he wants and it is up to you to decide what you want as well at that point. I just think that he seems to be hanging on and trying to keep his options open. Keep doing what you're doing, because I think it's best for you. As I said, you are doing well.

Cdoc

[Tonia2]

I am just reluctant to do anything too formulaic, you know? Especially when I feel OK about things for a while, like now. That is probably me trying to keep my options open too!

What I mean by that, is that sadly he has my curiosity piqued... I am reluctant to let the trail go dead here, you know? As long as I feel strong, I don't think it is doing too much harm.

[C1d6OC]

Believe it or not, things like this do make people curious. He is non-stop trying to get a hold of you and touching you (he has to learn). Where you stay strong is to continue avoiding him. I know it's hard, because he is still somewhat part of your life.

Tonia, despite all these feelings of curiousity you're having, at least you seem to be in control and more clear about your thoughts. That is the most important thing. Stay true to yourself. Remember that you went from 'mopey, upset, a bit weak' to 'fun, happy, strong' and most importantly being YOU. It's a huge accomplishment and as your therapist said. To continue this, you must think about yourself and everything else will fall into place.

Cdoc

[Tonia2]

Thanks Cdoc - I do need to be reminded every now and again... anyway, its always all about me... hows your situ - I don't think you have posted about it for a while.

[C1d6OC]

Funny you mention it. I just finished posting one. Check it out

Cdoc

[Tonia2]

Guys... I feel like a right b*tch ignoring his text telling me that he is in Bracknell. On the surface, he seems to be trying to be reliable - I would hate for him to start playing games with me and not keeping me posted. If I had sent an email today I would be fretting about why he hadn't replied, but he pre-empted me to tell me he was out of the office.

Am I really doing the right thing by ignoring him>?

[cycletease]

Am I really doing the right thing by ignoring him>?

Am I missing something here? Did he not tell you he didn't want to commit, dump you, move out of your apartment and tell you he has had no change in his feelings? Where exactly is this feeling of obligation coming from? What, is everything normal except that you broke up? How can he have it both ways? He either wants you as his girlfriend or he doesn't. By allowing him to continue to have this daily contact you are telling him that this is ok and business as usual.

Well it's not ok! You are not ok with any of this. You want to be his girlfriend, not some limbo land friend that he can hook up with when he feels like then run off and say he is feeling pressured.

You owe him nothing, he chose this path. Now he needs to walk it.

[Tonia2]

Ohh... I wish I could be that harsh... I am ignoring him anyway and have no intention of getting back to him at the moment. Thanks for the pep talk though! I feel he may be wavering and I don't want to do anything to jepordise that. There was definitely a lot of emotional and sexual chemistry last night and we left it on a good note for sure.

[cycletease]

Ohh... I wish I could be that harsh...

That's what I am here for! You are doing great! Keep thinking about what you need from him and not the other way around. I know it is hard for you, but you cannot have a successful relationship with him until you learn to do that.

[Tonia2]

you are so right as usual. trouble is, the same old thing. I want his strong, loving self to make me feel better - it is so hard adjusting to seeing him as the enemy - particularly after an evening like last night.

How are you by the way?

[cycletease]

you are so right as usual. trouble is, the same old thing. I want his strong, loving self to make me feel better - it is so hard adjusting to seeing him as the enemy - particularly after an evening like last night.

How are you by the way?

So let's think of this in a constructive way...He really isn't the enemy, this is just a training exercise. You are both training to make this relationship better...the only way to do that is if you are able to stick to your guns with him and insist on having your needs be a priority.

If you look at the situation as a whole, the breakup is really only a symptom of the larger problem. Your relationship was out of balance...as such it was not sustrainable. There were problems from both sides.

With this breakup you have the opportunity to make the needed changes in your relationship. It is actually much easier to do it this way than staying in the relationship. You get to call out new terms and fix the problems.

If you choose to revert to the same old behavior how is there ever going to be a change in the relationship? What will be different if he takes you back right now? How can he comfort you at all when he is the source of the trouble?

You need to keep your eyes on the prize and keep doing what you are doing. The point of all of this is not to hate him, but to take better care of yourself.

[Tonia2]

Thank you, that is much more positive than I am being. I get myself into a negative cycle of thought where I get lonely and then want him - the source of my loneliness to make me feel not so alone. I just don't want to blow it. Do you think I have a chance of getting this back on my terms?

[cycletease]

Thank you, that is much more positive than I am being. I get myself into a negative cycle of thought where I get lonely and then want him - the source of my loneliness to make me feel not so alone. I just don't want to blow it. Do you think I have a chance of getting this back on my terms?

I think you don't have a chance if you do it any other way. His terms are not sustainable. You really need to get your relationship to a point where it is equitable. He needs to be putting in just as much as you are. If not then it can't work.

I think that by the nature of the situation your guy would actually be happier and more interested in the relationship if were more balanced. That is a good position to be in on your part since the right thing to do is the most likely thing to get the relationship back on track.

Say strong, not mean. You need to be self centered for a while. That doesn't come naturally so you are going to have to work hard at it. Once you can start looking out for youself you might be able to demand that he look out for you too.

[Tonia2]

Yeah - I am mainly motivated to call him because I am lonely. Even with lots of other people in the room, I am lonely, and it sucks. I am terrified of losing our intimacy from yesterday, but then he hasn't called me either, so he can't be that terrified of losing it.

The fact that we have no solid plans in the diary makes me panic too.

[C1d6OC]

Hi Tonia, let me just say that when I didn't have plans, it sucked at first. That's the perfect time to make yourself busy. Try a new hobbie. I forced myself to do stuff like read, make music, phoned up a friend just to talk. I seem to be cutting in on this convo, because I've been reading the posts and notice that things seem to be a bit rough. See he hasn't called you and you seem to be worrying. Why? Because you had that night of intimacy. Although it might have been great, it probably wasn't the best of decisions. Now you're lonely even with your friends. I look back at the days I was lonely even though my friends were there to pick me up and the one thing that kept going through my head was 'Why am I doing this to myself?' I look around and they have gone through the same crap, yet they're happier than ever. How? They kept saying it's not the end of the world. That's what I'm saying to you. Losing someone you love is not the end of the world although it may seem like it. This may not be my typical advice, but I'm just trying to slap some reality into this. I just ultimately want you to be happy and strong and worry about yourself. If none of this makes sense to you, I'm sorry.

Cdoc