Why don't guys initiate contact first?

[sadie_genie]

I guess I partially disagree, because I think conscious thinking can override biological drives/instincts.

That happens as often as men who are willing to date ugly fat women. Or women who are attracted to men shorter than her.

[dj454]

I'll put my 2 cents worth in here.I have wanted to ask a girl out so bad but was so scared of rejection I never did. It depends on the person. I am older now and no doesn't bother me like it used to but some guys are scared of rejection. I had a crush in high school and I think by graduation if I had asked her out I would have had a chance but I thought so little of myself I couldn't do it. I ran into her a year or so after graduation and she gave me her address and phone number. Talk about a green light but I never picked up the phone out of fear. I wanted her so bad but I had never dated and was terrified. I still kick myself I came out of my shell now . I caught up with her on facebook about a year ago. She is happily married now but I still wish I could hqve another chance but I didn't see any need to tell her now since she is happy. So sometimes guys let fear overrle their heart. We are all different but I wonder if she had just asked me out what might have happened.

[smackie9]

dj454 I'm so glad you posted because I couldn't agree with you more.

HDbadger posted this :A lot of women don't like to hear this, because they have trouble dealing with the fact that they are undesirable to some/many people, but if a guy truly likes you, HE WILL ASK YOU OUT.

Period. End of. Are there some extraordinarily shy guys out there? Yes, but even my introvert friends ask out women who really excite them.

If a guy isn't acting, he's probably not particularly interested in what you have to offer.

He is pretty addimate that guys like you don't exist. You just proved my point that there are guys like you out there that fear rejection so much so, that no matter how much you are crazy about the girl, the fear over rides the desire.

Thanks again for posting.

[IndiReloaded]

Its a selection process. If one waits for men who will ask them out, those men will tend to be confident and initiative-takers. Some fraction of those will be men who like their women on the submissive side, but not all. Conversely if women take the initiative to ask a man out. Personally, I enjoy men who are intelligent enough to pick up my cues and who will then hustle a bit for my time. If they find me intimidating, then we won't get on. If they can't be bothered, same thing. But if they find me interesting enough, they will make the effort. Worked so far, so must be doing something right.

There is more than one way to dance this dance. Think I posted this before, but some people hip-hop and others waltz. Depends what you are looking for. But if you don't even know that much, then you are in trouble.

[dj454]

Smackie9 thats why I posted I know I'm not the only one. I have talked to other guys that have had similar priblems. I am better than I used to be but I have friends I've tried to coach so they don't end up regretting not asking.

[smackie9]

Its a selection process. If one waits for men who will ask them out, those men will tend to be confident and initiative-takers. Some fraction of those will be men who like their women on the submissive side, but not all. Conversely if women take the initiative to ask a man out. Personally, I enjoy men who are intelligent enough to pick up my cues and who will then hustle a bit for my time. If they find me intimidating, then we won't get on. If they can't be bothered, same thing. But if they find me interesting enough, they will make the effort. Worked so far, so must be doing something right.

There is more than one way to dance this dance. Think I posted this before, but some people hip-hop and others waltz. Depends what you are looking for. But if you don't even know that much, then you are in trouble.

That's why it did work for you because you do give strong signals. The thing is though you will never know of the ones that were too insecure about themselves to approach you...... they kept their silence.

[IndiReloaded]

The thing is though you will never know of the ones that were too insecure about themselves to approach you...... they kept their silence.

And that's perfectly fine, hence my point about it being a selection strategy. I knew early on I had a confident personality, so my partner needed to be likewise for it to be a good fit. Actually, in my husband's case, he was a very reserved person but decided to step up anyway. He did it in such an unusual and intriguing way that it worked. In exchange, he's become much more confident and assertive and so the dance goes.

But, if you don't know what you are looking for then you are unlikely to find it. Its so clear that many young people don't spend the time thinking about this. If they did, they would be a lot more effective in finding what they need.

[smackie9]

Young minds do work that way......they have so many choices at this stage in their life, it gets too confusing or stressful......that is what growing up is all about....learning from your experiences to become more mature about your choices.

[IndiReloaded]

Its not an 'old person' thing. Its a 'smart person' thing. I was in my early 20s doing this.

[miffy]

It totally comes down to the individual, whether that be a man or a woman. Statements such as "all guys" or "all girls" are simply stupid. There's no such thing. I've approached women and been approached. Each interaction was vastly different, and every time it is a GAME. That's important to note, the entire act of courting/being courted, taking initiative/letting yourself be conquered is all playful foreplay. The better two people can play this game, the better their chemistry together. It gets better with experience since you're able to interpret body language and signals as well as hints more easily, but it still comes down to you as a person and the person you're interested in. It can even depend on your mood. Sometimes I don't want to be approached by a woman and feel I'm "submitting", I want to "hunt" and "conquer"...this all sounds very silly, but it really comes down to these basic underlying playful aspects.

And yes, there are plenty of men, especially when they are younger, who feel too insecure or intimidated by a woman they're interested in to ask them out. It's a phase many guys go through in their teens, when women mature more quickly physically while most of us lag behind and feel inadequate. Most of us get over it later on, some of us don't. It's a highschool mentality.

[smackie9]

Its not an 'old person' thing. Its a 'smart person' thing. I was in my early 20s doing this.

Should I rephrase? The majority of young minds? Of course there is going to be a rare few not in this category like yourself.

[IndiReloaded]

It could be I'm misunderstanding your point. Mine is that I don't think 'young minds' are incapable of this. Beyond age 20+ I don't think its a developmental thing, its an educational issue--to be taught that its an efficient way to get what one wants. Have you read some of the young entrepreneurs projects out there? These are teenagers who understand very well this simple idea: Think hard about your situation, figure out what you want, then figure out how to get it.

[smackie9]

It could be I'm misunderstanding your point. Mine is that I don't think 'young minds' are incapable of this. Beyond age 20+ I don't think its a developmental thing, its an educational issue--to be taught that its an efficient way to get what one wants. Have you read some of the young entrepreneurs projects out there? These are teenagers who understand very well this simple idea: Think hard about your situation, figure out what you want, then figure out how to get it.

Most parents hope that their kids will have clear thinking, but most have to fall down a few dozen times before it sinks in, then only to hear mom and dad say "See! I told ya so!"." Listen to me next time...I'm trying to knock some sense into you" lol.

[IndiReloaded]

Smackie, I think we aren't on the same page here. What age are you calling 'kids'? Thinking is hard work, but worth it for the future problems it avoids. Like early investing. Parents must train children to it so its part of their adult nature (i.e. 'hope' has nothing to do with it). This really isn't rocket science, is it?

[Nice Lover Boy]

hey smackie well I did say "You owe me dinner j/k" as a joke and he said when and I told him, but he was busy last week, and he said he will let me know. Few days ago he asked me so you got school MW and work S/SU? Sometimes he works long hours Last time he said he owe me a date cuz something came up when we made plans and we went to dinner. yes I think he does sound cautious. But why can't he just initiate contact as a friend even when I first met him.

Now I am afraid to ask him to go on a date and I am being the one who is cautious of my actions and rejections...

Personally, I don't like it when it is ended with a "jk", it takes the whole thing away. I like it more as a command.