Still uncomfortable?

[searock]

I think it's more a general thing than just the porn thing. It's about the OP's bf's attitude with regards to her expressing her feelings. He immediately assumes that she is trying to force him to be something he isn't, and he gets defensive without even trying to listen and understand how she feels. This blocks out all communication, so of course the OP is frustrated and constantly feels "on edge". He should really try to be more open to her perspective, saying "deal with it" is one of the worst things someone can say in a relationship (especially a romantic one). It's like saying "not only will I keep doing what I want to regardless of what you think" (which is ok in some cases, as in moderate porn watching) "but I also couldn't care less about how you feel. I won't even listen to you because I don't care".

OP, try to always talk using "I" statements, when discussing the issue. Try to let him understand how *you* feel, try to not make him feel like you are accusing him of anything (which you aren't). Unfortunately a lot of guys immediately get defensive and block out any type of dialogue, which is EXTREMELY frustrating and brings lots of problems in the long run.

[smackie9]

If you read through it, he did say he will consider her feelings on this subject, and communication is open and not shut out like you say. She's still on edge bc she is still getting her head around a man's perspective which can be difficult because men and women are wired differently. Plus she is fighting with emotions, not how she is treated. Their communication on this is still on going, but at least it's a start for someone who has no experience with relationships to begin with.

[searock]

Yes he does *say* that he will try to look at things from her perspective and that he will try to understand her feelings, but then he proceeds to repeat "deal with it", like it's the OP's problem, none of his business. The discrepancy between what he says and the way he behaves is all the more frustrating, IMO.

[GagaRoma]

Yes he does *say* that he will try to look at things from her perspective and that he will try to understand her feelings, but then he proceeds to repeat "deal with it", like it's the OP's problem, none of his business. The discrepancy between what he says and the way he behaves is all the more frustrating, IMO.

Exactly. Cause I'll feel like he'll genuinely care and attempt to see things my way, and see things from my perspective not to even change himself, but to at least understand possibly why I might feel the way I do sometimes. And he'll say "but I am seeing it, but I don't want you to get bothered." then it'll turn into, "well just let me like it. I don't know what to tell you. It's just how guys are. You're being extreme."... or "well umm I'm sorry, I'm like that and into that kind of stuff". Which I UNDERSTAND he is, but all I was attempting, and all I EVER attempt is to explain how I feel sometimes. And not just with porn, with other things.

[searock]

Yeah, unfortunately a lot of guys are like that. If they can't understand the immediate reasons for someone to feel a certain way, then they automatically assume that the feeling itself has no value at all. It's most frustrating.

How about you talk to him about this? Try to convince him that whenever you bring something that upsets you up it's NOT to try and "change him" or whatever, so there is really no need for him to get defensive. You are just sharing your feelings because you wish he'd empathize with you, as you do with him. Explain to him that you can talk about feelings themselves, without him necessarily having to understand or accept a certain cause as "legit".

I don't know if he'll understand what you mean, but I think it's worth a shot.

[smackie9]

Remember folks we are only getting her side of the story here. We don't know what exactly has transcibed between these two. We don't know what tone was being used, or if we are getting all the facts. It sounds to me they are both frustrated and defensive, and are having trouble communicating......If they can't meet in the middle on this, then this relationship is doomed, BUT she's trying real hard to emotionally detatch herself so she can get a better perspecive. Once she has done that she can then try a more productive approach to this. Hey it's a good learning experience for the both of them whether it fails or not.

[GagaRoma]

I explained the "I'm not trying to change you" thing to him, and he claims he wasn't defensive and got sort of frustrated because he wanted me to know how he cares and that "I do respect you though. I'm your boyfriend dammit, you should know I do. I want you to feel loved and cared and protected when we're together. I wanted it to be like that for us and I haven't if this is how you're looking at me not considering your feelings. I failed you if you think like that and I want to help you." which made me feel like such a bitch. But I tried explaining to him, just his tone or how he will say things can seem inconsiderate and how I just want to feel like he considers my feelings. Which he said "I always hope you feel like I do". Hmm..

I tried discussing the matter more from last night, and I asked him if he wanted to ask me anything about it so we could try to really just wrap it up cause we'll discuss things but sometimes I personally won't feel "better" about them. He asked if I was insecure. I explained that generally no, but people can have their moments. He replied with, "ok I was just wondering. I mean not like that was a bad thing, but it would be a problem if you were. but nothing we can't fix. as long as we work together". I asked if he wanted to say anything else about the subject and he said to me, "just don't feel awkward or unsexy when you find out I'm looking at porn because you still are sexy to me". Which my gosh I am trying so hard to just understand that, and how male brains are wired. The conversation ended with him telling me that he respects me and keeps promises. I'm still a little ehh about it all but I suppose at this point I move on about that instance, cause really what else could be said or done about it

[smackie9]

This is how people feel when they are in love. You get insecure, you get jealous, worry, start to have fears of losing them, trust issues arise etc....all this is quit normal. No worries, in a short time, when the honeymoon phase is over, things will settle down. Just remember what your BF is telling you......it is from the heart and I know men get very offended when their love is questioned.

[bcgirl]

how about you google search "9 inch c*cks" and have it displayed on your computer....lets see how your boyfriend reacts to that. I'm sure he'll feel a bit upset knowing he'll never ever have a 9 incher and that is something his own gf likes and fantacizes about. And if he asks....just say "i like big dicks so just get over it".

[GagaRoma]

I've thought about that, but then thought, "well how would that make me feel better?" cause I know how it feels. Though I'm sure he would feel bad despite saying he wouldn't care. He doesn't have a big penis so I am sure that'd make him uncomfortable to an extent. Once Mario Lopez was on the Ellen show. He has some underwear line and at the time the show was on I was at my boyfriend's. They started showing clips of Mario in his underwear for the photo shoot he did and I couldn't help but to notice Mario's body/abs/muscles. And I never intentionally would check another guy out like that in front of my boyfriend but I seriously couldn't help but notice/look and that's the only time that's so blatantly happened with him. I turn back around to see my boyfriend trying to "pose" and bulk out the muscles he has (he has been working out, has some muscles, but not that large). He said, "One day I'll look like that!" and continued flexing. See, he says he's not insecure, and that he doesn't care if I check out other men, He says how he'd be proud and happy if I did, how he'd be happy it'd mean I was straight and how I shouldn't focus all on him anyway and that maybe I should look up hot guys. (since he does the same with girls)... He says he wouldn't care if I'd have them saved on my computer or phone, but based on how he got a little jealous over Mario Lopez, he totally DOES/would care. It's rather hypocritical.

[IndiReloaded]

Why don't you just ask him to be more discreet? That you understand his need but would appreciate it not being so blatant, such as photos on his phone. You can use the example of large penises and ask how he would feel if you had photos of those on your phone?

Explain that you don't want to change him, but you also want to feel respected in your relationship. Its really not that different from asking your partner to please close the bathroom door when they are using the toilet. Its natural, yes, but that doesn't mean you need to see it up close.

[GagaRoma]

I explain that I don't want to change him, and that I understand how guys are, but how I still want to feel respected. and t's not so "out in the open" per say. I've come across things innocently and unintentionally while either us looking up funny videos and there being a purple previously clicked link/suggestion for things he's looked up like "partygirls getting spanked" and I haven't seen any other things he's potentially looked up, I try to avert my eyes from now on when he types things into the search bar, or a few times he's panned through stuff on his phone, trying to show me something unrelated to porn of course and I've seen thumbnails of pornographic images. Though on his phone he stopped since he respected how I felt about it. As far as anything else I ever brought up like the computer or magazines he'd say "well what do you want me to get rid of everything here?! I thought only the phone bothered you"... Though now he's also liking porn related stuff on facebook too, well it was one softcore porn site. Which he never has done before on facebook, which I asked "why now, you never liked that stuff on there before?" and he said "cause it was never on facebook before" which I said that fanpage always was. He told me it was just a "like" and that "omg just let me like it, like I don't know what else to tell you"... I didn't know how to handle the situation cause I know my bothered thoughts about a stupid fan page were irrational and silly, but I couldn't help how it felt a little awkward. He became sort of frustrated in the process of attempting to explain it all, but I didn't know how to truly resolve it other than having him respect my feelings, which he said he did/would.

Well, he says he's always looked at porn/other women. Which I can believe since men are typically like that regardless of in a relationship or not. Though some are definitely more respectful and "sensitive" about it with their girlfriends. If he's always looked at it, either online or magazines or whatever, it's like I am noticing it all now though. Before it never seemed like he did. He never always had magazines but says they were always there. Says he always has looked stuff up online too and before I never noticed weird suggestions or previously clicked purple links before when we'd look things up. It made me wonder if all the sudden he started looking at porn more or something, but if he says he's ALWAYS partook in this then I'd assume it really would have been always. I am noticing it all now though? Is it possible to be blinded by love at first that something like this went unnoticed for almost a year and a half? (that point I first found out was a few months ago).

[smackie9]

Tell him to use "private browser" This is usually used for a multi user computer, but is also handy for porn watchers. All you do is open your browser page. At the top click on tools to drop down a menu. Here you will find "start private browsing" just click on that. A window pops up and asks you if you want to start private browsing, click on that. Then you will see a masquerade mask symbol in the address bar, that's where you type in your search. Anything he looks at, cookies, pass words, uploads, and search history will not be kept on that computer. BUT in order to close off what you are looking at, you have to go back into tools and click on "Stop private browsing". Many who are new to this, usually just close off it the normal way but as soon as you open the browser again, that last website looked at will still be there.

[smackie9]

Well, he says he's always looked at porn/other women. Which I can believe since men are typically like that regardless of in a relationship or not. Though some are definitely more respectful and "sensitive" about it with their girlfriends. If he's always looked at it, either online or magazines or whatever, it's like I am noticing it all now though. Before it never seemed like he did. He never always had magazines but says they were always there. Says he always has looked stuff up online too and before I never noticed weird suggestions or previously clicked purple links before when we'd look things up. It made me wonder if all the sudden he started looking at porn more or something, but if he says he's ALWAYS partook in this then I'd assume it really would have been always. I am noticing it all now though? Is it possible to be blinded by love at first that something like this went unnoticed for almost a year and a half? (that point I first found out was a few months ago).

OK now you are over analyzing this to the point you are just going around in circles. OK so he looks at porn...he admits it. You don't want him to change or should I say you don't want to be the one to change him, that he should be more considerate to you and change on his own. Guess what it ain't going to happen.

Can't get your head around it? This keeps hitting you in the pit of your stomach? As they say if you can't stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen. Break up with him then because it's got you so bent out of shape there is no way to straighten you out.

[pisces25]

Couldn't agree more. Don't delude yourself Gaga. The situation ISN'T going to change. I was in your situation and decided to move on. Not wanting to influence you in any way but it is the best decision I ever made. You aren't happy in the relationship and you are trying to convince yourself that it is going to get better. It won't.