Hubby doesn't tell me where he's going

[IndiReloaded]

He is treating you with extreme disrespect. Why are you still there? Take your child and *you* disappear for a few days. Take your cell phone, wait until he calls you in a panic for a day or so.

Then, when you finally feel like talking to him, answer. When he asks where you are, say "you first. you disappeared for two days. explain yourself"

Anything less than this and you are a doormat.

[dem862]

So who was watching the toddler while you were working double shifts with the flu and both your parents were in the hospital?

[bcgirl]

Fawlkes, I want to add a few comments regarding some of the other posts. Because I've seen a guy like this in action, I have some insight into why you aren't reacting like people expect.

I understand why you didn't call the police. He's done it before and you knew that this was a disappearing act and not an accident or kidnapping.

I understand why you can't just demand he tell you where he was. He will refuse to tell you and likely shut down if you push. Perhaps life gets worse if you push?

And no, it's not an affair. A regular person having an affair would most likely take the time to cover their trail. A business trip or weekend with mates would be his reasoning.

And the op just has to accept this behaviour? And how the hell do u know its not an affair? Your not helpful at all. Even if its a business trip, the fact that he disrespects her in this way should not be tolerated. Op, how would your husband react if u left for a couple days without a word?? Have u ever had suspicions about an affair?

[Wakeup]

I suspect that hubby is at his wits end and escaping when he disappears. Doesn't make it right, but I'm thinking he just can't cope with what he has to at the home front.

I've tried several times to get Op to answer some questions that would shed some light on this man's behaviour and most of the questions have been ignored.

OP: I think you should just call this relationship a day and either leave and go to your parents to live (if they'l have you and your child there) or get some sorely needed couples councelling if you want to stay with him. To bring your child up the way the two of you have given us a glimpse of is just not fair to him/her, it's not fair to you and it's apparently not fair to this man either.

You all deserve a better existence then the one you've painted for yourselves here.

[VincenzoG91]

Fawlkes, your story doesn't add up. It's crazy that your husband is disappearing for days without explanation, but it's even crazier that you just passively accept it. What was he like before you got married? Aside from the disappearances, how has he changed? What does he do for a living? Does he have any friends or family that you've met?

[basilandthyme]

And the op just has to accept this behaviour? And how the hell do u know its not an affair? Your not helpful at all. Even if its a business trip, the fact that he disrespects her in this way should not be tolerated. Op, how would your husband react if u left for a couple days without a word?? Have u ever had suspicions about an affair?

bcgirl, I most certainly did NOT suggest she accept the behaviour. All I did was offer understanding as to why she did the things which nobody else seems to understand.

I'll lay money that there's psychologial abuse happening here and walking away is easier said than done. Us telling her that she should have done X or Y is no help. She needs gentle support and understanding to come to terms with what's happening. She needs to come to the understanding that she's not over-reacting. Us hitting her with a proverbial sledgehammer or making her feel mis-understood is of no use.

Having seen this behaviour before, I still believe that this is not an affair. I don't believe it's a business trip either. I believe it's the actions of a man who's got some serious and unacceptable issues.

How would I react if my husband went AWOL? I'd be terrified for his safety and call the police. But that's because my husband does not have the history of this type of behaviour or any other type of strange attitudes.

No, I haven't had suspicions of an affair with my partner. And I wouldn't suspect an affair if a partner went AWOL. I'd suspect an affair if there were late night calls, texts, working back late etc. But not if he was AWOL.

[basilandthyme]

Fawlkes, your story doesn't add up. It's crazy that your husband is disappearing for days without explanation, but it's even crazier that you just passively accept it.

Actually, if she's emotionally abused, her actions make perfect sense. You're looking at this from the angle of a person who hasn't been brainwashed...and who has good self esteem.

If someone has low self esteem, emotional abusers can manipulate that person into accepting the unacceptable. They can manipulate so that a person thinks everything going wrong is their own fault. It's like a battered wife who believes it's her own behaviour which sees her take a beating.

Every heard of the term Gaslighting? Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. It may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. It's amazing what a manipulative person can do to another.

[Wakeup]

B&T... We've tried to ask questions to get clarification but Op does not answer what is asked. As Vincenzo says things don't add up. First we have to ascertain that she needs to walk away from what you are suggesting is happening to her. Your family members situation may not even be whats been happening with the op. She's not very forthcoming with answers to questions that would help clarify what exactly is the norm around her house so i'd not go jumping to conclusions that she's experiencing the same thing that has happened in your family's experience.

FWIW.. I don't think this guy is having an affair either. Personally I think he's just checking out because he can't cope with the current home situation but Op won't tell us what she's been up to and only tells us what (apparently) she wants us to know.

I'm seriously thinking troll right about now.

[basilandthyme]

I too am hoping the OP comes back with more info.

[Fawlkes]

Our child is at childcare most of the day. He was never like this before we got married. We just bought our first home together on a mortgage. He often goes fishing. But then at least I know where he's gone because he takes his boat. He has a regular job btw. I work 14 hours a day at the moment so I don't have time to do anything else. In fact I'm posting this on my cell during a break at work.

[bcgirl]

No, I haven't had suspicions of an affair with my partner. And I wouldn't suspect an affair if a partner went AWOL. I'd suspect an affair if there were late night calls, texts, working back late etc. But not if he was AWOL.

Well I've had many affairs in my day and let me tell you, going missing would be a red flag of an affair. Although cheaters are good liars, sometimes when they have already made plans it is easier to just go AWOL and deal with the aftermath (questioning and nagging) after you've been on your "vacation" so you can just enjoy your "vacation" with the hopes that your spouse did suspect an accident rather than an affair

[Lord Darkshire]

Follow him......

[smackie9]

OK first off you can keep track of the milage on his car..that will give you an idea of how far out of town he has travelled and any extra driving he may have done when he is suposed to be a work. Next, go buy an inexpensive GPS from a security store. You pay a small monthly monitoring fee to know where, and when he has been just by logging onto a website. Oh snap.

When using the net, use the private browser in the tools menu....this will prevent him from seeing you logging in or searching for info on buying a gps. This option doesn't keep track of any search history or downloading of cookies or video.

[IndiReloaded]

Who cares *where* he is? He's not communicating to her where he is going. That's more than enough for her to walk. Of course he's doing something shady, else he would inform her.

[smackie9]

She does obviously. You can see this is difficult for her to just walk away from because kid, marriage, and mortgage and no proof of what he is up to. The only thing he has done is not tell her where he has gone for those two days. If a cheater her would have made up a lie, but instead he just refuses to tell her.....who knows maybe he is visiting his bastard child he hasn't told her about.