Fiance cheated with prostitute in amsterdam

[Maple1714]

This is what I think -

You both have been together since you were 18 and are each others "firsts"...or at least you are his. You have been growing up together, side by side and in a relationship during some of the most transitional years in a persons life, typically speaking. The fact that you guys have made it this far and long is something to be proud about! It's hard!You are both still young and I am sure he has the urge to adventure or step outside your relationship sometimes. I think that is only natural for 20 somethings to feel that way. Amsterdam is known for legal marijuana use and legal prostitution...among other things. So shit, he went to Amsterdam and got a BJ from a prostitute. It was an experience. He was honest with you. Only you know if he is really a "cheater" or if he just had a wild drunken night in another country. Just b/c he did this, doesn't mean he has done it before or will again...maybe it was just a one time thing? Again, only you can really gauge this.

If he wants to have experiences like this and is feeling the urge to go out and have wild nights, then maybe you guys need a break?

[IndiReloaded]

Just playing devils advocate here but: I'm thinking all doing that ^^^ will do is teach him to not tell the truth. Sad way to look at things, but thats how too many people react to being punished for in their mind, telling the truth.

"The truth? You can't handle the truth." *said in my best Jack Nicholson voice*

Did you want *me* to answer that or is this a thought exercise for the OP. You know, I think, what I think that response means.

[Wakeup]

Maples has some pretty unbiased advice, I think.

Bottomline is we can't tell you what to do, Op it's your call. Only you know if you'll be able to get over this. People leave people they love everyday if what is making them leave is intolerable.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes I could forgive a drunken kiss. This is different because it's not just some girl he met when he was drunk its the fact that he's actually gone and paid for it.

Intentions count, don't they?

Here's my definition of an accident vs. mistake: when two different people, given the same situation, choose different outcomes. The key here is *choice*.

So. People do make mistakes. But what is your criteria for deciding if they have truly owned it (or not)? Keep in mind that if you try to *make* them own it, its not even close to the same thing. A coerced 'apology', isn't [an apology].

Keep thinking, 'ema.

[Wakeup]

Did you want *me* to answer that or is this a thought exercise for the OP. You know, I think, what I think that response means.

Just throwing it out there for Op to take into consideration, Indi.

He did wrong. Just because he told the truth doesn't mean he gets a pass... Just saying that many people think they should..

[IndiReloaded]

Okay. I was pretty sure you didn't need me to answer that.

What do you think of her question, 'ema? Its a good one.

[dilema]

This is what I think -

You both have been together since you were 18 and are each others "firsts"...or at least you are his. You have been growing up together, side by side and in a relationship during some of the most transitional years in a persons life, typically speaking. The fact that you guys have made it this far and long is something to be proud about! It's hard!You are both still young and I am sure he has the urge to adventure or step outside your relationship sometimes. I think that is only natural for 20 somethings to feel that way. Amsterdam is known for legal marijuana use and legal prostitution...among other things. So shit, he went to Amsterdam and got a BJ from a prostitute. It was an experience. He was honest with you. Only you know if he is really a "cheater" or if he just had a wild drunken night in another country. Just b/c he did this, doesn't mean he has done it before or will again...maybe it was just a one time thing? Again, only you can really gauge this.

If he wants to have experiences like this and is feeling the urge to go out and have wild nights, then maybe you guys need a break?

Yes I think a lot of what you're saying here is true. I honestly don't think he's cheated before, we spend most of our time together and he's rubbish at lying and deep down I don't think he'd do it again. I just don't know if I can forgive him and I can't get it out of my head.

[dilema]

Okay. I was pretty sure you didn't need me to answer that.

What do you think of her question, 'ema? Its a good one.

It is a good question and I get where you're both coming from but I don't think it would teach him to lie. He's the type of person who can't deal with guilt, he's even told his parents what he's done. They're fuming with him.

[asdfg789]

come on ladies !

bill went and got himself a blow-job and look where it got hillary today !!

[Wakeup]

^^^ lol.. There ya go, Op. Just one very public couple who've managed to put it all behind them. (At least for the camera's anyway)

[quote]

It is a good question and I get where you're both coming from but I don't think it would teach him to lie. He's the type of person who can't deal with guilt, he's even told his parents what he's done. They're fuming with him.

Well since he's not perfect, I do believe that he simply caved to temptation. By all accounts, it certainly doesn't look like he's done this before, nor will he be inclined to do it again.

Catholicism is based on confession and forgiveness of sins/transgressions. Easy for the "sinner" to be forgiven by someon who isn't directly involved, a little harder for those who have been tresspassed upon to forgive.

[HeartIsAching]

[QUOTE=Wakeup;849393]^^^ lol.. There ya go, Op. Just one very public couple who've managed to put it all behind them. (At least for the camera's anyway)

Well since he's not perfect, I do believe that he simply caved to temptation. By all accounts, it certainly doesn't look like he's done this before, nor will he be inclined to do it again.

Catholicism is based on confession and forgiveness of sins/transgressions. Easy for the "sinner" to be forgiven by someon who isn't directly involved, a little harder for those who have been tresspassed upon to forgive.

Uh... no. Catholicism is based on power and control, and the teachings of Paul - who never met Jesus and largely perverted Jesus' teachings to suit himself. But I take your meaning.

[Wakeup]

^^^ yes, there's all that and more.

[bcgirl]

He couldn't have been totally hammered or else he would probably not even be able to get his dick hard let alone orgasm. The fact that he was able to get horny, physically pay for the service etc. concludes that he was at a state that was still function able. He is using the tactic "but everyone else was doing it" to soften the blow a little bit. I betcha all the other husbands were using the same line if they were to confess. I'm sorry this happened to you. Do take time off away from him to register everything. It doesn't help that he is professing his love for u and apologizing because it will just make u miss him more and remember all the good times. If u do decide to get back with him, definitely go to some sort of counselling. I personally couldn't forgive a cheater so I would already have left and gone absolute no contact. I do suspect that it wasn't his first time cheating in life, this why he is so protective of u hanging out with friends. He knows how easy it is to cheat and can happen when u are out without him so he tries to monitor u to make sure u won't cheat. I know this because I used to be a cheater, I kept my ex on the tightest leash.

[CrazyAboutHer]

One time when I got drunk I threw my wallet in a random trashcan in my street. I don't remember anything of that night, nor why I did it.
It is possible he got so drunk he wasn't able to think, not even about you, just the direct stimuli surrounding him.

You need to talk to him about it, and somebody said it before: You need to forgive him or let him go but you can't keep him and keep torturing him.
Talk about your relationship, the positive memories and such in between; don't keep it all negative or you or him will get angry and irrational.

Dilema, it sure is a dilemma you've got here. I wish you all the best, inspiration and i hope it'll all be over soon.

[bcgirl]

Being drunk is never an excuse to cheat. There are those who are capable of such acts and then there are those that will never even consider it no matter how messed up they get