60 day he-tox

[Wakeup]

He's unable to commit to either keeping me, or letting me go. I know he cares a great deal for me (and he also cares about my daughter), and he comes close to begging me not to cut him out of my life (with or without sex), but he needs too much attention from other women to boost his sagging ego. I have so many other serious things to worry about, that quite frankly, I don't usually have the energy to play the games one is expected to engage in when dating, and besides, I'm too old to play them, anyway. I think this may be somewhat of a cultural matter; he is Chilean, and the Chilean women I know have told me that this is the way those men are, especially the handsome ones (which he is).

It's always hard when they're so attentive and are showing you loving actions but, they're not going to settle for just one woman. Players are charming. Most woman never hate a true player because he's often very much like James Bond in his sophistication and his psychological knowledge of what women need on our primitive brain level. That kind of attention is hard to give up Vashti so you're not alone in what you're going through. Lots of woman have gone thrrough it, particularily woman who have had the fortune/misfortune to have met a celebrity or sports figure that is fed through his own sexual ego. Sorry to sound trite, but its all the truth.

You can get through this by doing the mental work you need to do to become indifferent to him. Yes, it's early and you're still at the stages of anger and (probably) denial right now and still hoping that you distancing yourself from him will make him give you what you want. (????) The thing to realize though is that even if he does give you what you want... commitment... he'll likely never change from the ego driven man that gets his worth through the attentions of many women unless he gets some unbrainwashing. Think Tiger Woods. Settled down with his Modonna only to keep on with his whores. Knowing that, should help you to come to the stage of acceptance... If any of what I say resonates. If it doesn't then pull an Indi on me and tell me to stfu .

Be well soon.

About the target shooting: it turns out I am a pretty decent shot. %

Well done, Annie Oakley :o)

[IndiReloaded]

He's definitely broken, he can't seem to get over his ex wife leaving him.

I'm starting to think this should be a red flag (for us women). Assuming the ex isn't crazy, a husband who is left by his wife probably has some serious issues. (hello!)

As for codependence, I think we all have it to some extent. Personally, '****itall' seems to be a good remedy:

[IndiReloaded]

Good post^, WU. I never tell anyone to stfu... directly.

[vashti]

Yes, it's early and you're still at the stages of anger and (probably) denial right now and still hoping that you distancing yourself from him will make him give you what you want. (????)

No, it's not really all that early. I've been wrestling with this for the past year, and I know what I have on my hands, though of course I wish it weren't true.

I'm starting to think this should be a red flag (for us women). Assuming the ex isn't crazy, a husband who is left by his wife probably has some serious issues. (hello!)

As for codependence, I think we all have it to some extent.

The ex actually isn't a great catch; she drank too much and couldn't control her spending, which was okay when they were making a lot of money during the real estate boom, but was a big problem when the market crashed. She ended up leaving him for another man she thought could support her extravagant lifestyle, but that guy wouldn't keep her, so she's been bouncing around from man to man ever since, and she's bankrupted herself.

But Ivan loved her. She was pretty in an artificial, dumb-blond sort of way, attracted a lot of attention (at least, she did when she was younger. She is an aging beauty now.) . I suppose she made him feel important. Sucks for me, though, to be compared unfavorably to a dumb-blond drunk.

Eh, they were probably made for each other.

[IndiReloaded]

So, to give you an objective interpretation of your post:

He married someone who was pretty, not terribly responsible and sounds shallow. No kids, I'm guessing. Men often marry these types for their own egos. Are you sure he loved her, and not how she *made him feel*? Or, I'm being charitable, perhaps he was young and dumb.

But now, when the shallow wife dumps him for someone new, he's upset. But not to have lost his 'love', I suspect. He's upset his ego has taken a hit and now he doesn't trust women. Duh. He *shouldn't* trust women like his ex. He chose a pretty, dumb, shallow, irresponsible woman as his wife. WTF does he expect? But now there is *you* and how is he behaving? Intelligent people learn from their bad choices. Now, instead of being giddy to find a lady who is beautiful, responsible and the complete opposite of shallow, he's too stupid to see the gift he's been given.

This guy isn't impressing me, Vash. He sounds like an idiot, and I don't care what he does for a living. You & I both know the most brilliant people can be blind idiots when it comes to relationships.

[vashti]

No question about it, he's an idiot. And I am doubly so for falling like a teenager.

I'm working on being less stupid... I HAVE to, or I will end up crying over him till I am an old lady, and will probably die alone anyway.

[Hotaru]

vashti, I had/have the same problem only I didn't get any real interest in return. At least you got that much. I'm reminded of Little Black Submarines by The Black Keys.

Oh can it be
The voices calling me
They get lost
And out of time
I should've seen it glow
But everybody knows
That a broken heart is blind
That a broken heart is blind


We can't help who we fall for, it doesn't mean you're dumb or smart, and sometimes we just hold on so hard because we can't help but hope.

[IndiReloaded]

No question about it, he's an idiot. And I am doubly so for falling like a teenager.

No, there was just something about him that triggered your buttons. Figure out which ones, say 'thank you' for the learning experience. You *need* to learn to let this kind of guy go, and you are already getting much faster.

I had a *huge* cry a couple weeks ago when I truly forgave myself for 'failing'. 20 years is a life sentence, Vash, and most murderers don't do the full time for their crime. I've paid my dues, so have you. **** him, you deserve better. Mwhah!

[haxan]

My response to this was the part that must have been deleted in error. Anyway, you are right that I need to stop allowing myself to be sucked in, but I don't think it would be accurate to say none of the attention is sincere. Many of his friends and family members have told me he talks about me all the time, and tells them he loves me. (He's told me this a few times, too.) My life is somewhat complicated due to medical issues, and I don't think someone who didn't really have SOME level of care would have held on this long. It would have been too easy to bow out a long time ago.

I probably won't explain it well because I'm tired. But, in general, a man's way of thinking when it comes to moving on/clinging/sucking back in (what is happening with you) has a lot to do with this:

The feelings, i.e. love feelings have faded (not that he doesn't truly care to some degree for you and your daughter) but he's not 'in love with you'. When this happens and neither person has really moved on to a serious relationship, we men tend to want to keep an ownership or possession of you to some degree (I guess you could replace 'you' with 'your pussy and attention').

It's a combination of ego, still caring to some degree and just good old fashioned male possessiveness of what we once considered our property. What ends it is either the guy becoming intimately involved with someone else and it's good, so he lets go and moves on, or he sees the female intimately involved with someone else and it's good and knows that her mind and pussy have moved on and a phone call or text doesn't do anything to get that attention back anymore.

It's kind of simple and basic, but so are men and women. I'm guessing he's still being kind of a 'playa' like you described and you're still single, coping and trying to move on. He's going to keep your pussy and your thoughts close enough to him until one of those 2 things happen (he or you falls for and becomes attached to another). The thing about not being sucked in, is that he doesn't care enough and doesn't love you to make the relationship loving and right and won't. Those feelings are gone, even though like I said, I'm sure he cares about you and your daughter.

Hope that makes sense, we men can get selfish about wanting your thoughts and your pussy to still belong to us to some degree even after the relationship isn't good anymore, the love has faded and we're apart. Breaking contact and moving on is the only way. Tough, but what in life is easy?

[haxan]

I had a *huge* cry a couple weeks ago when I truly forgave myself for 'failing'. 20 years is a life sentence, Vash, and most murderers don't do the full time for their crime.

You didn't fail if you gave 100% to make it work, Indi. It wasn't a solo endeavor.

Btw, NO, I'm not sending you my pic because you're single now. Sorry, little pay back there

Kind of think Russell Crowe'ish, Natalie, but with a much better body



Russell.jpg

[vashti]

Thank you Haxan; I believe you have nailed it. I've actually said as much to him, and of course, he vehemently denies it, but I know in my heart it must be true.

Indi - pity you don't live closer.

No, there was just something about him that triggered your buttons. Figure out which ones, say 'thank you' for the learning experience.

I'm pretty sure I started going over the deep end when my daughter had her surgery. I was really too numb with grief and fear about the surgery to care one way or the other about him before that, and even for a while afterwards. As you know, part of the reason I separated from my ex was that he was emotionally unavailable to lean on when serious things happened, and here was a man who wanted to help me. He was the only non-family person who maintained sustained interest, calling me several times a day, dropping things off to me, etc. After she recovered, I thought a lot about how he stood by me, and was grateful, but I wasn't in all the way yet. That happened when he nursed me after I broke my foot and ankle. I interpreted his involvement as strength and caring.

In retrospect, he probably hung around so much during my daughter's event out of morbid curiosity (not many people have that sort of surgery, especially pretty, young girls), and during my foot out out of guilt (I was making him a birthday dinner when I broke it). Plus, I think he gets off on getting to play the hero (yet another way to boost his ego).

I am a sucker for acts of strength and kindness at times when I am needy. I am sick of always having to be strong on my own.

[smackie9]

As I read through all this, I see that he does care for you, and he did give it his best shot to be strong for you BUT, it may have scared him off being there to see what you have to deal with on a daily basis would wear him and the relationship down. I feel he didn't want to admit how weak he really is, even though on the outside you saw strength and kindness. In reality he isn't the man you thought he was. He has run away like a coward, not even to be able to be honest with you about how he feels and given you a chance to work out a compromise/adjustment/or have some space. I know you will say things about how ungrateful he is, shallow, ego maniac, etc I truly think he feels a lot of guilt for bailing on you and how this has left you, he didn't want to further the damage by telling you straight up. He couldn't admit that he couldn't handle the stresses in this relationship.

People would rather hide, that just talk....talking is so easy, why do people have such a hard time with it?

Vashti you didn't get sucked in, and you didn't fail, he failed you.

[misombra]

vashhh you are so beautiful and awesome. you deserve a guy who will give you time and space for thinking and who will be there for you during really hard times and i know 100% that he is exists.

i don't believe that you are a pity fest at all. he is LUCKY to be hanging out with you.

i KNOW of at least one person in this forum alone who would be glad to sit by your side at a time of need. if he is your man, then he's going to do that be it thick or thin.



<3 vashti. i say a little prayyyyer for youuuuuuuu.

[IndiReloaded]

he is LUCKY to be hanging out with you.

i KNOW of at least one person in this forum alone who would be glad to sit by your side at a time of need. if he is your man, then he's going to do that be it thick or thin.

This^ 1000x.

[TheSaint]

vashhh you are so beautiful and awesome. You deserve a guy who will give you time and space for thinking and who will be there for you during really hard times and i know 100% that he is exists.

I don't believe that you are a pity fest at all. He is lucky to be hanging out with you.

I know of at least one person in this forum alone who would be glad to sit by your side at a time of need. If he is your man, then he's going to do that be it thick or thin.



<3 vashti. I say a little prayyyyer for youuuuuuuu.

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