Heartbroken and lost - cannot get over my ex and want him back! help!

[searock]

If he contacts you again, tell him to never contact you again unless it's to tell you he wants to get back together.

Do what Vincenzo said:

Focus on your job search. Really throw yourself into it with enthusiasm.

Also, talk to your friends and family. Not necessarily about your breakup, but just talk to them because you will feel better afterwards. Google up some funny YouTube videos and watch them all. Read a book. Watch a movie. Get some exercise. Do whatever it takes to keep busy, so busy that you don't have time to think much about the recent past.

You don't need him. You can and will be happier than you've ever been with him, once you realize that all you really need is yourself. You are the only one who can make yourself happy.

[Guybrush]

I just cant believe how cold he was - how can he get over me in such a short space of time, i dont get it.

At the risk of sounding coldhearted, please use this as an eyeopener. You deserve better and should move on.

Could it be that your desire and need to be loved by *someone* is the dominating feeling and cause of grief here, and not so much your own love for you ex-bf? Try to reflect on this and be honest with yourself. You will soon be the target of someone's affection, and the next time it will be someone who deserves you. Try to focus on that, paying special attention to the *facts* here. You know very well that he has hurt you. I also think that deep inside you know you can do better.

[Guybrush]

If he contacts you again, tell him to never contact you again unless it's to tell you he wants to get back together.

I have to disagree. If he contacts you again, tell him to never contact you. Period. You guys won't get back together, and neither should you desire to.

[IndiReloaded]

It takes time. Most everyone here is speaking from experience of having been in your shoes. Guybrush is telling you straight. You deserve better. When you start believing it for true, you'll actually start getting it.

Meantime, you are coming out of a tough time. Be kind to yourself. Your feelings are normal, just control yourself enough not to act on them. Don't let anyone treat you like crap, that includes here in this forum.

[Wakeup]

Well Im afraid i gave in and text him, in fact a got very very drunk at home on my own one night because i just didnt want to feel anything anymore and text him several times And i didnt get anything nice in return, he said that he had no plans in getting back together with me and basically to leave him a lone. Now i feel like i am back at the beginning again and hurting more than ever. I just cant believe how cold he was - how can he get over me in such a short space of time, i dont get it.

I know its my fault and im ready to be told off

I think i need help in getting over him or at least controlling myself - i just cant stop thinking about him and i feel like im going a bit crazy! ive deleted his number and he isn't my friend on fb anymore but every now and again when he does text me then i go back to the start again. maybe i need to block his number but i dont want to risk it in case he does change his mind one day and want me back.

i really am a sad case.

Go to your doctor and get a referral to a therapist. I think you could use the help to get to the stage of acceptance.

[ruby_red]

I have started seeing a therapist, have had one session so far - it helps to talk about it. I am reaching acceptance. I still wake up every morning feeling really sad and think about my ex all the time but i don't feel so anxious anymore. i still cry but maybe every other day not all day everyday anymore! Ive started to chat to a few guys online but all i do is compare them to my ex so i dont think im ready to start dating yet!

The funny thing is, even though he has hurt me so much i still love him and think about the good times and secretly hope that one day he will come knocking at my door!

Any men reading my post, dont lie to women! If you dont want to be with someone talk to them about it, dont prolong their agony for months and months!

Thanks all for your replies, both understanding and harsh!

[ruby_red]

[QUOTE=Guybrush;863623Try to focus on that, paying special attention to the *facts* here. You know very well that he has hurt you. I also think that deep inside you know you can do better.[/QUOTE]

I actually don't think I can do better, deep down I don't think I was good enough for him and that he thought I wasn't good enough for him either. He was very good looking, successful, confident but also arrogant and sometimes not a very nice person and he was obsessed with money! I am attractive, I did have a good job but I lack self esteem/confidence and have a lot of trust issues so I think it was probably my fault that he did what he did - I think i probably drove him away.

[Guybrush]

he thought I wasn't good enough for him either. (....) but also arrogant and sometimes not a very nice person and he was obsessed with money! I am attractive(...)

I took the liberty of isolating the useful bits. Read what you wrote! Finally, I think we are getting somewhere Keep it up!

[ruby_red]

See i am trying !! he was so lovely in the first 6 months then turned horrible! i still love him but i am starting to accept it now!

[kskts6115]

I really do feel for you. I know how terrible those feelings are. And I guess I'm kind of in the same boat.. I just broke up with my boyfriend and have many of the same feelings you have. It is so hard when people tell you that you can do better and someone will love you for you when all you want is that person. It's the hardest thing in the world. And when you wake up in the morning and have that feeling of dread you just think how long does this go on and how long can I do it. I just want you to know you are not alone. And I think that helps with the process somewhat.. knowing you aren't alone and that other people feel this way and have felt this way.

People say it takes time but right now I think we are in the thick of the bad. I know it will get better but I worry I won't ever really get over it. And I also cannot imagine another guy it makes me sick as well. I think you have a lot of awesome people on here giving you great support. I know its hard believe me when I say this but I have been where you are. And I think talking to a therapist is great, I'm actually considering doing the same. I just think some people need that extra help and there's nothing wrong with that. Please feel free to talk to me about anything because I'd really like to help since I know how this feels. Probably one of the worst things a person can go through honestly.

[ruby_red]

Thank you it is good to know i'm not alone and that i'm not crazy. i fee like i'm going crazy most of the time, consumed with thoughts of him - I still think about him every minute of every day, what he is doing, who he is with, why he doesn't care about me anymore, how i could have changed things so he wouldn't have broken up with me and all sorts of other things.
I miss him so much and he has hurt me so much I actually feel pain. I still can't ever imagine myself with anyone else and in fact the thought of being with another man makes me feel sick. I know it takes time, and i do feel better than i did a month ago but i wish the recovery process would just hurry up now! I am fed up of feeling so sad and empty and alone. And i am fed up of never being able to get him out of my head, i think the problem is that i have so many unanswered questions but i did write him a long email asking him to be honest with me about 10 days ago and he never replied. I just can't understand how someone can move on so quickly, it shocks me.

Anyway enough of my ranting. Thank you for your message and I am sorry that you are also going through this. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.

[kskts6115]

haha I feel like I am crazy too a lot of the time. And I do have a lot of the same thoughts. It's not fun but the best thing is to distract yourself. As much as you don't want to and as much as it hurts when every little thing reminds you of that person you have to go out. Whether its drinks with friends or just a walk. It just helps with the process I think. And time does eventually heal but unfortunately for us I think we're the type that require a lot of time and mending. And there's nothing wrong with that. I definitely do not want to rush into a relationship with anyone either. Not for a long time until I learn to trust again. But it does suck that we all have to feel this pain at one point in our life.

And about the unanswered questions you mentioned I also have a lot of those! I wrote this letter to him explaining a lot of how I feel and what things meant to me. I want to give it to him just so I can get it off my chest and say that I put my heart into it. Do you know what I mean? Like so I can have no regrets about not ever trying. And I know it probably won't change his mind and as much as that sucks I guess it'd make me feel better at least expressing myself. What do you think? Do you think I'd regret that because I still at least want to be friends and I don't want to make it awkward. But it'd be nice if your ex just laid down everything for you. I mean why he broke up with you and how he feels. I think knowing that stuff would make getting over him easier. But unfortunately you can't make a person do that. And it sucks I know and if he doesn't respond then you really can't wait around for him. You seem like a really caring person and he doesn't deserve that part of you if he's going to be like that. Honestly you deserve better and someone should make you feel like a million dollars. I know you've heard it but its really true. And it sucks that I can't even take my own advice... But feel free to keep venting to me I know it really does help with those feelings to at least write them out.

[ruby_red]

That is exactly why I wrote to him because I had so much I wanted to say to him and had so many unanswered questions - I think that is why im struggling to move on because all i can think about are those questions and if he did actually meet someone else (I think he met someone whilst we were still together on a business trip because i found out that he flew back out to the same place on christmas day but he won't give me an answer and he has defriended me on facebook and changed all of his privacy settings so i can't even see the photots of us he had anymore - why would someone do that if they didn't want to hide something?). But he hasn't replied to my letter and because he didn't now i feel worse because now i know that he doesn't even care about me enough to even try and put my mind at east - and/or that he did meet someone and is too much of a coward to tell me. I also feel foolish and i do regret writing to him now.

So i would have a long think before you send it to him because even if he does reply he is not going to tell you anything that you want to hear and he may not reply at all which hurts even more. I understand that you want to get things off your chest and at least try however and i battled with myself for days before i sent mine, i sent it in the end because it literally consumed me and i couldn't concentrate on anything else. i am hurting even more now though and now all i can think about is why he didn't reply and the thought of him not caring about me anymore after only a few weeks or so is cutting.

I have been dumped before and lost family and pets but i have never felt pain like this ever, it has totally consumed me, my life is in tatters and i am trying to rebuild it slowly piece by piece. I am my ow worse enemy though because i keep trying to keep the lines of communication open with him because im so scared of letting go - a because im scared of never loving anyone ever again and b because i feel so rejected and hurt i am constantly trying to make sense of it all in my head - im one of those people that it takes a long time to break down my barriers but once you do then i fall deep for someone and give them everything so it hurts so much when we break up. Perhaps you are the same?

I would advise you to either send the letter but be prepared to have no reply and if you dont then you absolutely have to cut ties and move on - or dont send it, keep your dignity in tact, be strong and move on now.

Its your decision but think carefully about the consequences of your actions. i have made a right mess of my situation, dont do the same.

[Wakeup]

he has defriended me on facebook and changed all of his privacy settings so i can't even see the photots of us he had anymore - why would someone do that if they didn't want to hide something?).

Because an obsessive ex is stalking him, maybe and he doesn't care to have her see what's going on in his life?

[chrismay]

If you are really serious about getting him back then by all means you should give it a try. Atleast once. I am not saying go and plead to him. But there are ways to get your ex back. Its feels bad when people go into negative mindset and consider that its all over for their relationship. I can give you only this advice: Positive and Happy people are like magnets. Others get attracted to them. Lot of things can be achieved with a positive mindset. Be that magnet.