When it's great it's wonderful but what happens when it's not so great?

[tassy]

okay another males perspective here tassy... one many people would love to be in your situation where him watching and hiding porn from you is their only issue.. So he watches porn.. what is it that makes you so angry... are you jealous of the woman he looks at ? he's not cheating on you.. its purely for a release.. does he stop having sex with you.. so he does not want pg13 sex with you all the time.. and wants to have fun with you.. I do think you are happy with him, but he's not what you want him to be. Why don't you both watch it together and mimic what they do on it, or tell him to do it in private.. its his guilty pleasure.. and as for the pot.. unless its his priority and he spends rent money on it.. let it go, be happy he's not an alcoholic..

I think you should focus on what he has good then just what is not up to standard for you.

Thanks Rob for you time, unfortunately you seem to be another who has only read some of this whole situation, please read it ALL if you are going to comment, otherwise you assume you know it all and you clearly dont, and we all know what assuming does dont we? Again I will say it is not only about the porn or the pot, it's the lies, if you want to do something own it, stand up for it, why lie and hide it? Then act all sorry when you are found out? Have the balls to say what you are doing so at least the other person in the relationship has a choice whether they want to put up with it or find another way to deal with it, hiding it lying about it is disrespectful and immature. In my opinion!!!

[tassy]

Nah, I'm not angry at all.

For future reference though - your attempts at control of me will net you nothing as well. Have a nice life.

Sorry? "net you nothing at all" ???? I do not understand. Control issues?? I am sorry for you i hope you get the help you need. And the anger i was referring to is in your tag line geewizz how anyone could take anything you say seriously with that at the end of every poast i will never know. i am sorry if i have offended you and your 'activities' i am not knocking porn and as a single man (which i am assuming you are) you are fully entitled to watch and do whatever you like with no one to consider you are free to bat yourself blind enjoy!!!!

[bearz]

He is very loving and affectionate, i love that but so does he, he does make me feel special, he looks at me as if i am the most beautiful woman in the world no matter how i look, but no he doesnt really help me with the exercise thing or with quitting smoking, i beg and beg for him to take a dance class with me cos i love to dance and he is not comfortable with me going out dancing without him and he is not a fan, i have begged for him to come swimming with me, but that has not worked out either. But it is up to me, not to sit around sooking boo woo no one will come with me, i can do these things on my own (if i could just push past the anxiety) and i will. I have to think more for me, of me. Cos he is thinking of him and i am thinking of him who is thinking about me? I will make the changes needed!!! Thanks everyone, well almost everyone xx

But when does he act that way? Only when he wants to have sex with you? From reading your other posts it sounds like you are the only one who is really loving and affectionate. He doesn't seem to be doing his part in your relationship. At least that is the impression I have from reading all of this. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. You have plenty of things on your mind that you would like to do and he is just holding you back at this point.

[tassy]

Thanks Bearz i am sorry i am confusing you i know that, i feel like Dr jeckle and Mr Hyde atm part of me is done, cos im so hurt and mad, but then there is the idiot part of me that always tries to make sense and comes up with excuses and possible reasons for his disrespect and inconsideration. He doesnt even have to try to come up with crap himself i do it all by myself. But this time i am struggling. Maybe i should be thankful like ROB said at least he isnt a drunk or beat me up, he only lies through the same lips he kisses me so passionately with. No big deal really when compared to what other women go through. But then again I wonder if ROB'S partner cheated, lied disrespected him would he be able to consider all the homeless men, cos at least he has someone? Maybe who knows? i have to get myself together and focus on me, everyone in my life is concerned with them their wants and needs regardless of me and my needs it is time i do the same. And i will.

[rob1984]

tassy, I cheated on my wife once.. made out with a girl at a club i was trashed barely remember.. my wife recently did the same made out with a co-worker.. that used her, lied to her and she is going through therapy now cause of her upbringing.. we each forgave each other.. so yes you should be thankful.. he knows you hate porn.. so he hides to not hurt you with it. He just sucks at hiding it. Why make a big deal over something like this.. if you all else is good this is not a big deal.. you may leave him find someone new that may treat you worse, the grass is not always greener on the other side.. my wife found that out the hard way.. and ever since she has been a different woman.. someone I am proud of.

[HeartIsAching]

LOL, nope. Happily married. That sig is just there to screw with the forum hopeless one. I love yanking his chain.

[Wakeup]

Tassy, have you ever discussed with your therapist your codependecy issues? I don't say that with malice. I truly think it would do you well to work on what ails you first and worry about changing him later. If you work on the fact that you can't change anyone but yourself, and that you enable him to be who he is because all you do is nag while you stay, he gives you a line and it all settles down until next time as you temporarily get over it so he keeps the status quo. Why would he change when you give him zero reason to?

When you understand and accept that you are only in control of you and that you can only ask for what you want if it's not forthcoming, you won't feel fear in facing the facts about your relationship and whether or not you can ever be happy in it.

[tassy]

im a little confused, i am not trying to change anyone, i speak my mind on things i am not comfortable with as does he and everyone else, (in my life anyway) i respect others' feelings and dont wish to hurt anyone so i dont become disrespectful and lie and do it anyway, however if it something i feel VERY strongly about and my needs for whatever it is are stronger than those of whoever does not want me to do whatever it is I will be honest and tell them I am doing it anyway. Now i ask why is it an issue for me to expect that from others? I dont NAG, i dont do the same things over and over i try something different, i tried to accept he wants to do these things and i said that to him, even though it hurts me deeply, HE again says he doesnt want to hurt me and im more important than that stuff so he wont do it anymore, but he does. LIES!!!! Why should i treat him like a child and hand out conseqences? He knows right from wrong, a reason to change his behaviour, not hurting or lying to the one you claim to love over and over should be reason enough. It is for me. I have been told to go out and get that vibrator and F him, but why? does two disrespectful acts make anything better? I know i am the only one i can control and when i cant even do that i need to remove myself from the situation, i tell myself this often and i do it when i feel like i am going to yell and say something hurtful or nasty, im not perfect but at least i am trying. I do not agree that telling someone hwo you feel about something they are doing is controling them, it is up to them as to what they do with that information and if they are HONEST then there is a chance for one to work out how they are going to deal with the fact that it is going to continue. Lying takes that away from the one who was open and honest about their feelings on the matter, now to me thats taking control.

[Wakeup]

im a little confused, i am not trying to change anyone,

Yes, you are, you're trying change your boyfriend so that he doesn't watch porn anymore.

i speak my mind on things i am not comfortable with as does he and everyone else, (in my life anyway) i respect others' feelings and dont wish to hurt anyone so i dont become disrespectful and lie and do it anyway, however if it something i feel VERY strongly about and my needs for whatever it is are stronger than those of whoever does not want me to do whatever it is I will be honest and tell them I am doing it anyway. Now i ask why is it an issue for me to expect that from others? I dont NAG, i dont do the same things over and over i try something different, i tried to accept he wants to do these things and i said that to him, even though it hurts me deeply, HE again says he doesnt want to hurt me and im more important than that stuff so he wont do it anymore, but he does. LIES!!!!

That's because he wants to do it but he knows it bothers you (why you're insecure about it is your issue to deal with if you want to stay with him) He hides it and lies to you because he doesn't want to stop, so he tries to have his cake while he eats it to.
Asking for what you want (even if you believe it's just that he doesn't lie) and he doesn't give you the truth you want, then you need to change yourself to accept him or change your circumstances and leave him. Staying and complaining but still staying is enabling him to continue lying and masturbating to porn.

Why should i treat him like a child and hand out conseqences? He knows right from wrong, a reason to change his behaviour, not hurting or lying to the one you claim to love over and over should be reason enough.

It should be, but obviously it is not. Yet you keep trying to make him see so he can be the man you want him to be. You can change you, but you can't change him unless he wants to. Do you think he wants to? Have his actions shown you that he wants to? (for get any words that are just words if there is no actions to back them up)

It is for me. I have been told to go out and get that vibrator and F him, but why? does two disrespectful acts make anything better?

I ask you in response; does one being a martyr while complaining about it make anything betther?

I know i am the only one i can control and when i cant even do that i need to remove myself from the situation, i tell myself this often and i do it when i feel like i am going to yell and say something hurtful or nasty, im not perfect but at least i am trying.

your "trying" is doing nothing to help with your resentment, angst, feelings of loss of control. You would do well to address codependency with yoru councellor.

I do not agree that telling someone hwo you feel about something they are doing is controling them,

I didn't say that telling them that it bothers you is controlling them. I said you can ask for what you want but if it's not forthcoming from them, then you have to stop attempts at controlling and failing at it. He's decision is to keep doing what you hate while he lies to you about it. Now, you have to decide if you can live with that or leave him if you can't.

it is up to them as to what they do with that information and if they are HONEST then there is a chance for one to work out how they are going to deal with the fact that it is going to continue.

That's right, he's decided to keep doing it and lying to you. So quit being upset and either leave him or accept him as he is. Your choice.

Lying takes that away from the one who was open and honest about their feelings on the matter, now to me thats taking control.

The problem is that he keeps doing it and you keep trying to stop him from doing it when he's plainly told you in actions that he aint stopping nothing... so take control of YOURSELF and change how you feel about porn (so he won't lie to you) or leave him to his porn addiction. The choice is in your hands but only in what YOU can change in YOURSELF.

[tassy]

tassy, I cheated on my wife once.. made out with a girl at a club i was trashed barely remember.. my wife recently did the same made out with a co-worker.. that used her, lied to her and she is going through therapy now cause of her upbringing.. we each forgave each other.. so yes you should be thankful.. he knows you hate porn.. so he hides to not hurt you with it. He just sucks at hiding it. Why make a big deal over something like this.. if you all else is good this is not a big deal.. you may leave him find someone new that may treat you worse, the grass is not always greener on the other side.. my wife found that out the hard way.. and ever since she has been a different woman.. someone I am proud of.

I have said many times it is NOT just about the bloody porn, but most of you males only see that part and become very defensive, who are you to say what is acceptable in my relationship and what is not, there will be many on here who will think you are a fool for forgiving and doing cheating. I am not judging you i think it is wonderful that you both made it through. You say you were glad she was honest with you and it was only kissing, so they are things that helped you through along with other considerations but what if she lied and lied about it what if it was more than a kiss?
There is no mention from you about my partner expressing his disappointment on me wanting a vibrator brought into the bedroom so that was a dead issue, all the while he was doing something that he knew would disappoint me, it's the lies, the double standards, the sorrys that come with "its all in the past now" that bothers me the most. I am not looking for greener grass i am trying to stop mine from dying but im getting tired of being the only one watering it. So some helpful advice which includes all parts of the situation would be appreciated.

[Wakeup]

Whats with the vibrator? you chose to be a martyr about it instead of being assertive in what you want. YOUR choice to not get it so stop being resentful for something YOU chose to do for him.

[rob1984]

vibrators are fine.. my wife has 3.. and a butt plug.. and other crap lol.. whatever makes her feel good, im fine with it.. but you came here for our opinion and we give it to you.. not always what you want to hear.

I knew my wife was with her co worker.. she asked me first and I said yes.. she updated me every hour where she was and is okay.. but I never trusted the person, but trusted her.. but made sure she hung out with him that day when she was on her period.. so i though a head. Incase dude trued to rape her, She trusts to easily and i never did. she learnt that now.

but as for your bf. you seem to be defensive on most aspects of what is said.. if you are unhappy you know what to do. SO do it.

[tassy]

Wakeup firstly thank you for you opinions and the time you have put into trying to make me see things YOUR way! I thought this site was were one could come to voice their problems in love and find support and caring advice, my mistake. I am not a fool i know my options are to stay and accept all the crap or leave, i came here to hopefully find some other options, ways of dealing with these things myself, other ways of talking with my partner about our issues, help really. But if i am being seen as just a whinger and controling then this is not the site for me. My mistake. Although one thing you said did really make an impact on me, his words are just words but what are his actions really telling me? I was hoping to get some advice on how to deal with it as it is a problem for me, i really dont know how to just simply accept something i am very uncomfortable with, please for a minute think of something that would be very uncomfortable for you but your partner chose to do it anyway and continue to do so, all the while lying about it, how would you then come to make yourself accept that it is what it is? Cos i have no clue, i am trying but it is coming out in other ways, i cry constantly, i am distant, i dont want to be, i have tried having sex since and other things trying to be more and just get over it, but i end up feeling disgusted in myself, so HOW I am asking how does one learn to just accept something that they are really having trouble doing so? AND again its NOT just the porn the lies.

[tassy]

vibrators are fine.. my wife has 3.. and a butt plug.. and other crap lol.. whatever makes her feel good, im fine with it.. but you came here for our opinion and we give it to you.. not always what you want to hear.

I knew my wife was with her co worker.. she asked me first and I said yes.. she updated me every hour where she was and is okay.. but I never trusted the person, but trusted her.. but made sure she hung out with him that day when she was on her period.. so i though a head. Incase dude trued to rape her, She trusts to easily and i never did. she learnt that now.

but as for your bf. you seem to be defensive on most aspects of what is said.. if you are unhappy you know what to do. SO do it.

Wonderful advice thank you.

[rob1984]

lol i think that was sarcasm haha, but i'll take it