I don't know if I've ever truly loved my wife (big long crisis story)

[michelle23]

It is ridiculous! How can you spend so long with a woman and question whether you ever loved her or not. That is just mental. You need to go for therapy and so what if her friend was hot! jeez! That should not make you depressed! In fact, you shouldnt even care about the fact that you cant have her because you are married and you are supposed to think "I have the best woman in the world-i dont need anyone else"

You are one of those people who always wants what you cant have and you never appreciate what you do have. Maybe you are a narcissist? You dont seem to feel any guilt or remorse for treating your wife badly all these years. For wasting so much of her time. You call her your best friend? I don't believe that. I mean best friends dont stab each other in the back and plan on cheating if they are given an opportunity". Id say you see her as a nuisance and wish you never met her but your too afraid to leave coz you think noone else will want you.

Well your probably right. I wouldn't want a man like you. Get some help

[michelle23]

You need to learn and understand that the number of women a guy has been with has got NOTHING to do with the worthiness of that man. If you were able to get any woman you wanted, it still wouldn't make you a better man or a more virile man or whatever.

I agree. some men dont need their ego stroked by other women-they have enough confidence in themselves to know they made the right choice being with their woman! Insecurity is like a disease. I will never ever go out with an insecure bloke. Made that mistake once and guess what? he cheated on me-and the girl he cheated with was not even pretty, nor did she have a nice personality.. She was more in his league though-i was too good for him!

[ycse]

Michelle, your quick to dig me out, your last sentence probably explains why, someone has done the dirty on you, seems like your struggling with that.

Let's not forget, in my 6 year relationship I've never cheated and my wife has. What ever my thoughts my be, I've never followed through with them, or actively pursued anyone else.

[Split_interests]

Difficult situation, mate. It is one of those, "well you really shouldn't have married her in the first place" kinda deals. Lesson learned though? Now you are married and do have a kid, and in all honest if you tell your wife all this she probably will end up hating you. But I get it, you're uncertain, and you don't want to show that uncertainty because that could break your relationship. In the end though I guess that's where the honesty aspect comes in. If your wife wouldn't want to be with you once she knew you were uncertain about her, it would seem best to let her do what is best. Then after you split up you will likely be greatly pained, regret it for months heavily, and then probably get mostly over it after a year or so, because your life isn't all about her, you have enough self centeredness (not necessarily in a bad way) that she isn't the center of your world and you'll get on without her.

You kind of need to put her first here, and that might mean telling her, so she isn't caught up in a relationship without love. That said, you know your situation better than I do, and this is going to cause a shit ton of misery and drama, and maybe you're just someone who is bad at feeling committed. But when you look at what you've done wrong, really all it is was you made her believe you loved her and you don't know if you do. There are really only two ways to deal with that 1) Love her (if you can figure out how) or 2) Tell her about your uncertainty.

For 1) I would recommend counseling as well. Actually I recommend this most, as it would be you putting in an actual effort in making your marriage work, which based on what you've been saying is probably hard for you and a good habit to start.

[michelle23]

Michelle, your quick to dig me out, your last sentence probably explains why, someone has done the dirty on you, seems like your struggling with that.

Let's not forget, in my 6 year relationship I've never cheated and my wife has. What ever my thoughts my be, I've never followed through with them, or actively pursued anyone else.

You said you would have but the opportunity didnt come up. I am not struggling with something that happened almost 7 years ago lol. I am over that. But I do understand that low self esteem will lead to a lot of problems. Sorry if you dont like hearing the truth. Ya Im blunt and harsh but it is necessary. You have pretended to love a woman for 6 years. Its living a complete lie and your marriage is a sham.

[michelle23]

Shes about to give birth. Telling her you dont love her will **** her up. It may even interfere with her bonding with her baby and cause post natal depression. She needs you to be strong right now and put her first for once in your life. Be a man and be there for your wife and your child. You can leave her in a year when she is out of the danger zone

[pcmaster]

So many woman ending up alone kill themself after child is born.

[michelle23]

Marital breakdown, divorce and separation is the most common reason for suicide in men. That says to me that some men love their wives so much they will not even consider living without her.

These men would do anything to keep their woman while the OP is throwing his away. Sad...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Marital breakdown, divorce and separation is the most common reason for suicide in men. That says to me that some men love their wives so much they will not even consider living without her.

These men would do anything to keep their woman while the OP is throwing his away. Sad...

You're a moron. People don't commit suicide out of love.

[searock]

Michelle, your quick to dig me out, your last sentence probably explains why, someone has done the dirty on you, seems like your struggling with that.

Let's not forget, in my 6 year relationship I've never cheated and my wife has. What ever my thoughts my be, I've never followed through with them, or actively pursued anyone else.

Did you even read my post? Are you at least considering telling her the truth?

[michelle23]

You're a moron. People don't commit suicide out of love.

I no its the most selfish thing a person can do and is wrong. I never said i condone it. I was just pointing out that is thee most common reason for suicide in men. Theyd rather die than be without her.

[IndiReloaded]

What an incredibly negative thread. You don't know if you've ever truly loved your wife??

If you had any self-respect, you'd leave her since it's clear you really don't care for her. Don't you think she deserves someone who really, really wants her?

But no, you'll stick around and make everyone miserable, including your child for another 10 years or so. Or until someone 'better' (equally selfish, no doubt) comes along who shows an interest in you. You probably won't actively make it happen, but you won't turn down the opportunity when it comes along. This is so classic textbook.

God, selfish people are so boring and predictable. Next!

[bcgirl]

I no its the most selfish thing a person can do and is wrong. I never said i condone it. I was just pointing out that is thee most common reason for suicide in men. Theyd rather die than be without her.

Men do not commit suicide out of not being able to live without a girl. People who commit suicide have much deeper rooted issues. Recently a guy of a friend committed suicide. His wife left him, took the kids due to years of an unhappy relationship and his cocaine and alcohol problem. His drug and alcohol problem didn't get any better. He was spending his money on hookers, blow and booze and couldn't even save any money to buy his kids he doesn't see any toys which made him feel even more pathetic about himself. He grew so depressed that he didn't show up to work and couldn't keep jobs. So although in the surface it may have seemed like he committed suicide because of his wife leaving him, but in fact he was such a depressed loser in life addicted to his nasty habits that that was the reason of his suicide.

[VincenzoG91]

The relationship was no good, so they got married. The marriage was no good, so they had a kid. I think that was Al Bundy's description of his marriage, more or less.

[ycse]

Difficult situation, mate. It is one of those, "well you really shouldn't have married her in the first place" kinda deals. Lesson learned though? Now you are married and do have a kid, and in all honest if you tell your wife all this she probably will end up hating you. But I get it, you're uncertain, and you don't want to show that uncertainty because that could break your relationship. In the end though I guess that's where the honesty aspect comes in. If your wife wouldn't want to be with you once she knew you were uncertain about her, it would seem best to let her do what is best. Then after you split up you will likely be greatly pained, regret it for months heavily, and then probably get mostly over it after a year or so, because your life isn't all about her, you have enough self centeredness (not necessarily in a bad way) that she isn't the center of your world and you'll get on without her.

You kind of need to put her first here, and that might mean telling her, so she isn't caught up in a relationship without love. That said, you know your situation better than I do, and this is going to cause a shit ton of misery and drama, and maybe you're just someone who is bad at feeling committed. But when you look at what you've done wrong, really all it is was you made her believe you loved her and you don't know if you do. There are really only two ways to deal with that 1) Love her (if you can figure out how) or 2) Tell her about your uncertainty.

For 1) I would recommend counseling as well. Actually I recommend this most, as it would be you putting in an actual effort in making your marriage work, which based on what you've been saying is probably hard for you and a good habit to start.

Excellent reply, thanks mate. Nice to have something that's not derogatory written on here.

I think the cat is out of the bag already, I let too much slip when she confronted me over the pictures of her mate i'd downloaded. Said sometimes I regret not leaving her when I found out she'd cheated, also said I'm not sure I really know what love is as this is my only real relationship and I also can't explain the reason I was depressed when her mate left on the weekend. She's not stupid, she's put it all together and basically knows the score, she's in floods of tears all the time. She may yet take any decision out of my hands, she does mention leaving me, going back to Brazil, etc. I can tell she really doesn't want to though so hopefully I can repair things, at least until the baby is born and i'm sure in mind how I feel.

The thing is, I really need to be sure. Like you say, I may just struggle with commitment. I will be going for counseling also.