Is it really possible to be in love yet still be attracted to another

[nico88]

I don't think I elaborated enough on the issue. It wasn't just a 5 min conversation with a stranger. I met this girl about 3 months ago through our mutual friends. At first, like I said earlier, it was just this intense physical attraction. Which I have been attracted to other women before while in relationships but it was never as strong as this one. I just ignored it though. Since she's super close to one of my friends from high school we've been around each other a lot, I was finding myself even more into her. It was just this last time when I went camping for my friend's birthday and with her being there I kinda started noticing it was a lot more than just a little "crush", ya know?

Now, I don't think it's an ego thing. I'm pretty confident in who. I am use to getting attention but I'm not one of those guys who seeks it out or needs it from every girl in the room. I think smackie9 kinda nailed it on the head as far as the whole reason I even posted on here in the first place. It wasn't really because I was suddenly obsessed with a new person but the fact that this person made me start thinking that maybe I wasn't being fulfilled in my current relationship.

I know that I love her but I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore. If that makes sense. And then again it could be like Michelle said earlier about the stage we are in our relationship. Maybe I'm not use to these muted feelings? Maybe I just miss the butterflies and the excitement I use to get when we would be together. Idk man. I'm just confused as hell.

[michelle23]

Look up emotional affairs. Your infatuated. That is a typical thing all potential cheaters say "I love you but im not in love with you". It actually means "im infatuated by someone else so im gonna replace you".. .

Weve seen this before and it rarely ends well. Break up with your gf coz this has gone too far. Your too obsessed with the other girl now and your feelings have changed for your gf as a result. Just dont go running back to her when it doesnt work out. Let her find someone who is fully invested and committed to her.

It is possible to save your relationship but all I am hearing is excuses from you. If your looking for permission to dump her-you have mine.

[searock]

I don't think I elaborated enough on the issue. It wasn't just a 5 min conversation with a stranger. I met this girl about 3 months ago through our mutual friends. At first, like I said earlier, it was just this intense physical attraction.

So you don't know her, you just met her 3 months ago.

Since she's super close to one of my friends from high school we've been around each other a lot, I was finding myself even more into her. It was just this last time when I went camping for my friend's birthday and with her being there I kinda started noticing it was a lot more than just a little "crush", ya know?

The fact that you have been spending so much time with her is exactly the reason for which your crush has developed into a fully-formed infatuation. Try detaching yourself from her: stop seeing her, talking to her, being in contact with her in any way, for ever, all the while focusing on your relationship.

You should know better: if you're in a relationship, don't hang out with people you are strongly attracted to.

I know that I love her but I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore. If that makes sense.

It does make sense. However, are you sure you are not confusing "being in love" with "being infatuated"? Take this test: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201404/20-questions-will-tell-you-if-its-love
it can help you recognize the difference between being infatuated and being in love. Pay special attention to the explanation and statistics.

And then again it could be like Michelle said earlier about the stage we are in our relationship. Maybe I'm not use to these muted feelings? Maybe I just miss the butterflies and the excitement I use to get when we would be together.

I tend to agree with this explanation. Especially since you've only met this girl 3 months ago and there was an instant strong physical attraction... it's not an emotional bonding that has developed slowly, it's just lust.

[nico88]

Yeah, that makes sense. I wouldn't want to ruin a relationship over an infatuation.

And I'm honestly not trying to make excuses and I'm not looking for anyone's permission to dump my girlfriend. If this is just an infatuation and it's not that I've realized I'm not in love with her anymore then of course I'd wanna make it work. I'd never put her in a situation where I'd break her heart to explore my other options with this new girl, just to come running back to her in the end if it didn't work out. I'm not a heartless bastard. She deserves the best. And even if it doesn't currently seem like it, I do try to be that for her.

I guess the best thing to do then is to walk away from new girl and work on my relationship. This way I can really focus with no distractions and see if i was just being a hormonal dick or if it's really not working for me.

[michelle23]

Im not saying your heartless at all. I actually admire you and respect you for seeking advice before doing anything stupid. Most people who come here act first and think later so well done

Now that you have made your decision, stick with it. Make a big effort with your girl. Give her a kiss and cuddle when you get home, hug her for no reason, hold her hand while watching tv, kiss her goodnight and let her fall asleep in your arms. I once heard 5+ acts of daily affection are the key ingredients to keeping you close and helping you stay in love. It will help bring back any emotional disconnect you may be feeling too. Of course it wont work over night but it will in time.

Do something fun together that will make you both laugh like ice skating.

And of course spice up your sex life. Try something new. Give her a gspot orgasm-could take time and practice but so worth it and makes sex better for both of you

Most importantly appreciate her and dont take her for granted. This could just be a little bump in the road and its true the grass is greener where its watered.

Good luck and come back with an update. Remember though, no matter who your with-no relationship is perfect and they all take work.

[nico88]

Thanks. You're a smart lady.

Since I'm not working today I'm gunna surprise her by cleaning our whole apartment top to bottom and cooking her favorite meal. Not the most creative thing in the world but hey, it's a start right?

[searock]

It is . Also, stop being in contact in any way with the other girl... you'll see it will all fall back into place .

I'm curious, did you take the test I linked?

[nico88]

I did actually. I put it off at first because I didn't feel like doing math haha. But I took a little break and figured why the hell not. Definitely scored low on the infatuation levels for the girlfriend but the attachment level was in the high 60s...which I think they said was normal for relationships that were set up to endure.

Just because I wanted to, I took it with the other girl in mind and the infatuation levels were quite of bit higher. And by quite a bit I mean a lot haha. So based solely off this quiz I'd say you guys were most definitely right about the whole hormonal infatuation thing.

I'm glad I came on here and posted this question instead of listening to my buddies who all advised me to basically just bang new girl to get it out of my system. I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you. You all probably saved me from making a pretty big mistake.

[michelle23]

Your welcome and thanks for listening. A lot of people in your shoes just act on impulse and regret it all later. Your doing the right thing. Theres thousands of people you could be compatible with but why fix something that isnt broken. Love is about putting each other first through the good and bad times. Youve passed the first test-there will be many more (close family/friends will die, she could have a miscarriage, one of you could lose your job, someone else could try to come between you). Its all part of life, shit happens but pull each other closer, your a team.

Good luck

[searock]

Yep, you are doing the right thing. I'm glad the quiz helped put things into perspective, among other things. Now keep focusing on your awesome relationship and stop seeing the other girl, she was just an temporary distraction. There will be many others in the course of your long-term relationship, so be prepared to brush them off just like this one. Good luck .

[nico88]

Yeah, I haven't chilled with her since the camping trip. I did run into her at the grocery store last night though. I was gunna try to avoid her but she seen me and said hey and walked my way so we small talked a bit.

Which made me start thinking..since she is friends with my friends how should I handle situations where it's unavoidable to be around her? I mean we never exchanged numbers so she's not gunna be hittin up my phone. I never added her to any of my social networks so I don't have to worry about that either. It's just I know I can't avoid the face to face contacts. Just what..keep my distance?

[searock]

Yeah, basically when you really can't avoid her because she is with your friends and the alternative would be to stay at home or something, keep your distance and don't strike up conversations with her. It's ok to say hi and bye and to talk to her when you're all together and you're talking with the group as a whole, just don't find yourself in a corner talking only to her. Also, why isn't your girlfriend there, if she is? It's not like you're getting some "me-time" hanging out with your male buddies, if there are other girls there. Every time you think about how hot she is, remind yourself that it is just a silly crush and that it means nothing compared to the love you feel for your long-term girlfriend, your partner in life.

[nico88]

She's with me a lot of the time when I hang out with them. We have basically the same circle of friends. So she's actually met the other girl a few times, which was awkward for me ha.

There are just a few of my friends she doesnt like so when I'm kicking it with them she usually opts to stay home or go do girly things with her friends.

[michelle23]

You sound too old to have all this male/female friendship BS. I did that at 16 and learned then men and women cant ever be "jusf friends". I think you need to grow up a bit and get your priorities straight. Sorry but every guy who tried to be my friend ended up hitting on me.. now I just have female friends

[searock]

I think he means that his group of friends is made up of both males and females. It doesn't mean he has close female friends with whom he goes on dates alone or anything like that... he just hangs out with them when they are all together as a group. At least, that's how I see it, I may be wrong (in which case I agree with you in that it's best to not have close friends of the sex you are attracted to, unless they are your partner).