In love with a girl who's in a relationship

[Abitapprehensiv]

Yeah, I read my message again just now and kinda cringed, I think 7 am was a little early for me to be thinking seriously about these things.

I'm slowly coming to realize just how long she's going to need, and that friends is as good as our relationship is going to be until then, but I'm also feeling better about that. On Wednesday I woke up to a text, it was a little bit along the lines of a pity party, but we chatted for a bit and after that the subject was all just talking about things and stuff, all day long. Then yesterday I wake up to a text continuing the convo, and it went on for most of that day too. In all, I think there were about 200 messages over those two days, according to how many minutes are left on my phone. So yeah, at least we have a good connection, and if/when the time comes I'll definitely feel more comfortable with expressing my feelings and testing her waters as well.

Thinking about the fact that I'm probably working on the foundation does help me out, and I'm pretty sure she knows how I feel already, judging by the facebook behavior of a mutual friend of ours (who was not a fan of her ex). I'll post things like pictures and articles that I feel would be interesting to her, and our friend will like every single one of them even if they're not in her own scope of interests, giving me a bit of a boost in confidence that somebody else IRL is on my side.

Thanks again

[smackie9]

You should check out this new show "Friends to Lovers" on Bravo.

[Abitapprehensiv]

Will do, seems rather relevant at the moment.

I'm scared, though, because if I realize that she sees me as only a friend, with no chance of improvement on that status, then I may have to say goodbye entirely, because it always hurts too much to watch them move on and meet new people while I'm stuck with an emotional attachment that can never be fulfilled. It's sucky, because our friendship is enjoyable, but that's only with the idea that things could improve, and losing that will make everything different.

Like, she mentioned having had a fling a little while back, and today that she's signed up for tinder, but I'm having trouble figuring out if that's her way of saying she's moved on and looking to date again, or if it's just casual conversation with someone she doesn't see as a possible partner. Is she trying to make me jealous, or just talking about her day? I'm having trouble figuring this out myself without face time, and also I'm kind of a dork. I think it's finally safe for me to come forward with my feelings in full and get a proper perspective on this whole situation, because I can tell she's not emotionally fragile anymore, and I'm also getting anxious that she might become available and fall for somebody all before I even know what's going on and have a chance to make a move.

[Wakeup]

Have you gone on any dates with a tangible girl you can touch and look at face to face and smell her fragrance and laugh with or have you just been sitting there pining away for an emotional vampire that is living away from where you live?

[smackie9]

The show that I mentioned actually shows the difficulties going into that transition from friend to dating and the differences of expectations. A lot of the first dates end up not being good, and some end tragically. It goes to show you dating changes everything, and how you viewed them before was with rose coloured glasses because you were too busy putting them up on a pedestal.

[Abitapprehensiv]

Shit, you're right, I guess, both of you. I can be pretty stubborn on emotional issues, as you may have noticed, and the realization has been there for a while but I just couldn't ignore what my imagination created.

Frankly, I think the absolute best thing for me to do is to slowly drift, go back to just checking in once or twice a week, and eventually stop reaching out altogether for a few months. Maybe around the end of spring I'll give her a call, see what she's been up to, and go from there. If we continue to talk almost every day, then I'll just cement the friendship, and if I never hear from her again beyond occasional texting, then I'll know for sure she didn't feel the same as I did.

And no, I have not had one date since all this, that's what I meant by not having any luck. I was transitioning from one insurance plan to another and had to pay a more than usual last month, and this month I miscalculated my new budget, so I haven't had the money for dating (I know good cheap/free dates, but the weather is shit and I'm that broke right now), haven't had the money to go out at all, and there's nobody else I already know that I'm even remotely attracted to and/or is available anyway. Plus, I'm pretty introverted, and don't open up to people that quickly or read their body language well until I've known them for a little while, so when strangers casually flirt with me I usually don't notice. Pretty much the inverse of my reading too much into what's not actually there with people I know.

Anyway, until I do get out there, I'm going to be a bit of a pathetic mess, and basically thinking about her in some way or another every day. My boss even noticed and pointed out that I looked a bit lost today, when I had a moment of reflection on the matter. But in a week or two I'll be able to get out more, there's even a party next month that'll be a good opportunity for me to meet people, but until then there's no one else for me to shift my attention towards, unless a spontaneous encounter should happen. Sorry in advance, should I mess everything up in a particularly cringe-worthy manner.

[Wakeup]

Why not join a meetmarketadventures.com site in your area and get out and do things that will introduce you to both male and female singles who are into the same things you are? I know the weather is a bastard here too so the motivation is a little low to be going out but think about it for further down the line when your budget improves.

[Abitapprehensiv]

I resolved Monday to just let her go, from what she's said over the past few weeks I actually don't see anything happening for years, at best, and if it even could, ever, there's a lot of chance to rely on. Plus, I noticed the effects of the crush was causing my behavior to swing on a manic depressive roller coaster of highs and lows. If we talked a bunch on one day, I'd be on top of the world. If it was sparse, or we didn't talk at all, I'd be quiet and depressed. I can't have my mood depend on whether or not someone five hundred miles away communicates with me or not. She's also only had a year of being single in the last eight or so, and really wants to discover herself and I don't blame her. I've been on my own for going on three years, for similar reasons, and I have a lot of who I am today to thank for it. She deserves that life experience as well. She probably won't move back to my area, I have no reason to move to hers, and she said that she has no interest in ever having another long-distance relationship (how she and her recent ex spent the first year+ of their relationship). That last fact was what made me see what the reality of the situation was, and your use of the phrase "emotional vampire" helped me make the decision to give up. I wasn't happy with the situation, so I have to try something else.

Unfortunately, I had to actually tell her as much, because the mood swings were kind of taking a toll on me, and I replied to her in a snappy way about something or other, and from there I had to come out with it and tell her. I said that I couldn't communicate anymore, because of feelings, and tried to be as frank as possible, but I must have messed it up somewhere because she got kind of upset. I must stress now that I did not suggest anything like wanting her to decide on a relationship between us or that she tell me how she feels. The first mention of feelings was when I said I had to cease contact for a while because of them, and that was it. We had a short volley of texts before I just shut my phone off, because despite saying that she understood my decision, she was getting a little mean about it, and I was pretty hurt by that. The turning point was when I said that I'd be glad to reach out and see how she's doing when I've gotten over her, and she just told me not to do her any favors, which upset me and I'm assuming affected my wording from there (can't be sure, I've deleted the conversations, along with her number, so that I'm not easily tempted to make contact any time soon), because a small argument followed. When I turned my phone back on the next day, her last messages basically said 'whatever, don't mean to be shitty, sucks to lose a friend, but do what you gotta do.' I sent a reply, apologizing for how it all started (shitty day or not, it was uncalled for, and I won't be sharing it here purely out of shame), and reiterating that I'll still think of her as a friend, but that I'm doing what I'm doing for my own sake. In the end, I'm glad I won't be talking to her for a while at least, because it'll make her that much easier to get over.

It sucks if that's the end of anything between us forever, platonic or not, but I'm already feeling better about life and everything. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, seriously, I can't even. I'm still sad, because should one or two things have been different, this all could have taken another direction, and adding another girl to my "what if?" list was specifically something I wanted to avoid with her. But that's life, I guess. Even though nothing happened I still learned a lot about what I'm looking for in a person, and how to be honest with myself when things aren't going to go as I wished. I can only hope that when I do get over this and decide to reach out that she's willing to restore the friendship. Whether or not the feelings will come back, I'll have to see, but I'll cross that bridge when/if I get there.

And I'll keep that in mind, I've signed up for a few dating sites already, just to see what's up (never done it before), and I've been noticing other women more recently too. There's even this one girl I see every now and then that may think I'm cute, kinda want to flirt a bit the next time I see her. Thanks for all your help in this, especially wakeup and smackie, the combination of tough love and positive encouragement kept me from devolving into a total dork much sooner than I did, while also preventing me from becoming a depressed ball of crap. I think my biggest takeaway is to just not let myself fall for girls that are unavailable, amazing chemistry or not.

[jenniferaniston]

It’s all about quality over quantity. It doesn’t matter how much time you and your partner spend together. The most important part is about the quality of this time. There’s a huge difference between having dinner at a table while talking about your day at work, versus having dinner while sitting on a couch watching the latest episode of The Voice. It’s fine to zone out together and enjoy distractions, but it’s crucial to make sure you two are still engaging and spending quality time together to maintain a deep connection.

[smackie9]

Old thread....OP long gone.