Am I jealous, crazy, or do I have a point?

[TheEvilJester]

I'm glad you had that talk, and I am glad you stuck to your guns on it. Honestly.... if I were you I'd have already been gone at this point, but even more so after that conversation. The immature way he handled that would have been the straw that broke this camel's back.... if that hadn't already happened about a dozen straws ago. To me, what I think makes this about a million times worse is that this all seems so ridiculously obviously inappropriate on the part of these neighbor girls and on the part of your boyfriend. Again, if he were single as were they, whole different story. But, with him being with you... I don't know if it is just me, but their actions seem so OBVIOUSLY inappropriate that I can't see how he has any NERVE to be so defensive about it like YOU are the one with the problem.

It would be one thing if he initially just didn't think anything of it or realize there was anything weird/wrong about it..... but the you pointed it out, he got it, and he took steps to correct it. But, you point it out to him and he basically couldn't give a $h*t to do anything to make the situation better. So, like I said before, he's either about the world's biggest moron to not see how that would only make you feel even MORE so like you doesn't value you.... or he's a complete prick and just doesn't care. I dunno, again, maybe I'm being too cynical. But, I just can't even fathom ANY reasonable explanation for him to be that way.

This isn't like they are 100% just friends, they do nothing that crosses the line at all, and you are just being needlessly jealous because he has female friends. Then I could at least understand him being upset with you. But, this is him and these women BLATANTLY crossing over the line of what is appropriate under the circumstances and then him acting like YOU are the one with the problem for not being okay with that.

You're a better person than I am. I'd have hit my breaking point already. I hope he can finally grow the Hell up.... but if not then I hope you care enough about yourself to move on and find somebody who really deserves you. Good luck.

[NinaDreams]

I'm glad you had that talk, and I am glad you stuck to your guns on it. Honestly.... if I were you I'd have already been gone at this point, but even more so after that conversation. The immature way he handled that would have been the straw that broke this camel's back.... if that hadn't already happened about a dozen straws ago. To me, what I think makes this about a million times worse is that this all seems so ridiculously obviously inappropriate on the part of these neighbor girls and on the part of your boyfriend. Again, if he were single as were they, whole different story. But, with him being with you... I don't know if it is just me, but their actions seem so OBVIOUSLY inappropriate that I can't see how he has any NERVE to be so defensive about it like YOU are the one with the problem.

It would be one thing if he initially just didn't think anything of it or realize there was anything weird/wrong about it..... but the you pointed it out, he got it, and he took steps to correct it. But, you point it out to him and he basically couldn't give a $h*t to do anything to make the situation better. So, like I said before, he's either about the world's biggest moron to not see how that would only make you feel even MORE so like you doesn't value you.... or he's a complete prick and just doesn't care. I dunno, again, maybe I'm being too cynical. But, I just can't even fathom ANY reasonable explanation for him to be that way.

This isn't like they are 100% just friends, they do nothing that crosses the line at all, and you are just being needlessly jealous because he has female friends. Then I could at least understand him being upset with you. But, this is him and these women BLATANTLY crossing over the line of what is appropriate under the circumstances and then him acting like YOU are the one with the problem for not being okay with that.

You're a better person than I am. I'd have hit my breaking point already. I hope he can finally grow the Hell up.... but if not then I hope you care enough about yourself to move on and find somebody who really deserves you. Good luck.

The next few weeks will certainly tell the tale. As much as I love him, it is a VERY big turn off to see the type of relationship he has formed with these 2 women. I cannot explain it: it is NOT SEXUAL but it's almost like he wants to pretend he's 'young' again. THAT is the turnoff.

Like you said, it's not as though they are JUST female friends and I'm being an overly jealous and needy girlfriend about them. It's about their interactions having absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. Again, he doesn't NEED to meet the one's parents. That's just one of 1000 examples of crap they don't need to be doing.

What the hell purpose does that serve other than cross another boundary that doesn't need to be crossed? What complicates the entire thing is that they are neighbors. None of them are going anywhere. And while I fully understand that the proximity creates a situation where he automatically will see them frequently, lines need to be drawn.

I hate to toot my own horn but I've been very loyal and devoted to him and all I want is an adult relationship.

I will say, at the end of our last conversation, he apologized to me and said the problem would be fixed.

Sunday, he asked me to help him with his garden. While I was out helping him, the neighbors came out. They were all discussing what crops to plant for the current year and while they were discussing it, my boyfriend came over to me and put his arm around my waist lovingly. The girls mentioned to us that they bought kabobs to grill out, and wanted us to join them for a cook out and bonfire later in the evening. I politely declined, as I head home on Sundays. My boyfriend offered to go buy their community garden vegetables, but then also declined to join for a cookout and bonfire.

When we got back to his house, I left, and I think the 3 of them planted their vegetables. I know that he went inside not long after because we spoke on the phone and he was getting some things done for work.

This is the kind of boundary I want and I'm trying not to be too hopeful: it is fine and acceptable that they are working on their community garden all together. I don't need to be there for that. And if he wanted to enjoy a glass of wine with them after the work was done, fine.

I'm glad he implemented some limits. I hope he has realized that I'm out the door if the previous crap continues.

[TheEvilJester]

TLike you said, it's not as though they are JUST female friends and I'm being an overly jealous and needy girlfriend about them. It's about their interactions having absolutely no boundaries whatsoever.

As others have said, and I think I remember even you agreed.... I'm sure it IS slightly escalated because they are women..... but frankly I would venture to guess you'd be just as annoyed if it were two male neighbors, but the story was otherwise 100% the same. As you've said, you don't suspect anything untoward would ever happen between them, it's more the fact that they intrude on what is supposed to be your one on one time with him. That and the fact that he doesn't seem to see any problem with that. I would imagine if it were his male buddies doing the same thing you'd be just as annoyed.

I can understand just how you feel on that. Like I said earlier in this thread, that sort of thing would annoy me if I were in your boyfriend's position... and I don't have a girlfriend. I wouldn't mind having friends, even female friends, but I wouldn't want them THAT up in my business all the time. So, yeah, I get it is more a matter of boundaries and more so of your boyfriend showing some respect for you and proving you are a priority.

Sounds like he's at least made an effort recently. Personally, I'm still slightly annoyed FOR YOU based on the lengths you had to go to get him to this point in the first place.... but, Hell, I suppose if he actually makes an effort to be better about it that is all that matters. I hope he continues to improve and is able to settle into an arrangement that keeps everybody happy. It would certainly be great if you could even all still remain friends, even you and those gals.... but just with the appropriate boundaries so he isn't basically treating them like they are his girlfriends and you are the one who is just a friend. Good luck! He's off to a good start. I hope that continues.

[Hooo!]

I don't know what you want

The situation gets better and u continue to whine about it

Do a reality check. And then ask yourself what is it that's still bothering you?
If you trust your man to be faithful and them not to be a romantic/sexual threat
Then they are his (stupid drama) buddies living next door. However they belong to him and that's how it is.
What do you want and what do you expect of your man?

[TheEvilJester]

I could be wrong, but I think the point is it WASN'T getting better. I got the impression she'd talked to him about this several times and he does nothing to prove he's heard/understood or even cares. I get the impression he has NOW, very recently started making some small efforts to improve the situation. I think, the point being, right now she's just not fully ready to trust it because of the level of effort it took with him to get her needs heard. That's understandable based on the story she's shared.

Though, yes, I do agree. At this point it seems like he is actually making an effort to improve the situation. So, at least give him the chance to do that. If he falls back into his old ways, worry about it them. For now, though, sounds like maybe he's at least started to try to make it work for everybody.

[richiro]

i would avoid talking to them as they are his friends, not yours. its his responsbility to manage, not yours. he LIVES there and thus lives with the repercussions of any discussions, NOT you. so it would be inapproppitae for you to try and manage and request behavioral changes of the tenants paying money to live there while you don't.. see?

This is REAL SIMPLE and it's getting overcomplicated and it's back to what i said originally.
1. You have every right to ask him to manage his friendships - and i would tell him he either manages it or he doesn't - that's his choice.
2. but you have every right to make a decision about whether you're willing to come over anymore or stay with him BASED on his choice on this.

So it's simple. "hey.. either you fix this, or i dont' feel like comign here or staying over anymore.. your choice.. you can just com and see me anytime you want to see me if you dont' fix it..'
or
"i don't feel comfy with those 2 and you and if you're not willing to handle it, then i don't feel comfy that you will be able to resist them or turn them away when things get to an inappropriate point at which poitn that DOES affect me an dour relationship.. im' not so sure i'm willing to keep investing in this if you're not willing to invest enough to protect this..."

you leave it up to him (b/c tha'ts where it should be)
but then you also then make decisions based on his decisions.

real simple.

[NinaDreams]

I don't know what you want

The situation gets better and u continue to whine about it

Do a reality check. And then ask yourself what is it that's still bothering you?
If you trust your man to be faithful and them not to be a romantic/sexual threat
Then they are his (stupid drama) buddies living next door. However they belong to him and that's how it is.
What do you want and what do you expect of your man?

I'm not whining. I feel that's a rude statement. I also never said it was getting better. I actually said it was getting worse.

- - - Updated - - -

I don't know what you want

The situation gets better and u continue to whine about it

Do a reality check. And then ask yourself what is it that's still bothering you?
If you trust your man to be faithful and them not to be a romantic/sexual threat
Then they are his (stupid drama) buddies living next door. However they belong to him and that's how it is.
What do you want and what do you expect of your man?

I also have never said that I feel they are a romantic threat, and never said I don't trust him. I feel they are rude and intrusive on our time together. Those are 2 different things.

- - - Updated - - -

As others have said, and I think I remember even you agreed.... I'm sure it IS slightly escalated because they are women..... but frankly I would venture to guess you'd be just as annoyed if it were two male neighbors, but the story was otherwise 100% the same. As you've said, you don't suspect anything untoward would ever happen between them, it's more the fact that they intrude on what is supposed to be your one on one time with him. That and the fact that he doesn't seem to see any problem with that. I would imagine if it were his male buddies doing the same thing you'd be just as annoyed.

I can understand just how you feel on that. Like I said earlier in this thread, that sort of thing would annoy me if I were in your boyfriend's position... and I don't have a girlfriend. I wouldn't mind having friends, even female friends, but I wouldn't want them THAT up in my business all the time. So, yeah, I get it is more a matter of boundaries and more so of your boyfriend showing some respect for you and proving you are a priority.

Sounds like he's at least made an effort recently. Personally, I'm still slightly annoyed FOR YOU based on the lengths you had to go to get him to this point in the first place.... but, Hell, I suppose if he actually makes an effort to be better about it that is all that matters. I hope he continues to improve and is able to settle into an arrangement that keeps everybody happy. It would certainly be great if you could even all still remain friends, even you and those gals.... but just with the appropriate boundaries so he isn't basically treating them like they are his girlfriends and you are the one who is just a friend. Good luck! He's off to a good start. I hope that continues.

Absolutely. I would definitely still be annoyed if the 2 were males, but it is a bit escalated because they are women. Last night came and went with no disturbance or word from them and it was quite nice, particularly considering that it was so nice outside and the windows were open. I hope he DOES continue to improve and I certainly am giving him the benefit of the doubt.

[Hooo!]

Give him the chance. He said he will make it better. You have had some positive experiences and boundaries.
Don't overly annoy him. They are his buddies. Go have fun together. And if you are annoyed by them then maybe tell them directly in the situation. But also share a beer with them.

To them you are the one taking away time from their best buddy. So be understanding also.


Juvenile reaction from him in the conversation is stupid.
He just got clueless and defensive. Still shitty and you reacted right.
Just make peace with them and stop annoyedness.
If you all get along and you encourage to spend time together it may even show them that you won't take away their best buddy. You just sometimes like a private hour with him ;-)